THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "The Grand Performance For Kyre?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
The emotions here had a touch of class. I couldn't help focusing on that fact. Nicely written with the emotional value a high 100%
The story is not a walk in the park and one has to hang with, for it seems I missed the last, but focus came easy. Always the sign of a good writer.
Good characterization in all departments.
Bravo.
RGstar
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2016
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The emotions here had a touch of class. I couldn't help focusing on that fact. Nicely written with the emotional value a high 100%
The story is not a walk in the park and one has to hang with, for it seems I missed the last, but focus came easy. Always the sign of a good writer.
Good characterization in all departments.
Bravo.
RGstar
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2016
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Bless you and thank you, RGstar. I'm so happy you enjoyed this and were able to get up-to-speed quickly enough. I SO do appreciate the 6 stars.
Comment from foxangie123
I sincerely miss your ways you write and I tell everyone you and Dean Kuch are the Kings and Masters of writing and I mean it. I've learned much from you.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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I sincerely miss your ways you write and I tell everyone you and Dean Kuch are the Kings and Masters of writing and I mean it. I've learned much from you.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Many thanks, Angie. You are too kind. I'm glad you find my writing helpful.
Comment from JTStone
This is an incredible investment to use a six star rating on.
Jay, you're a true genius in knowing where to start and stop these segments. As always a crisp, visual presence, accompanied by very well thought out, perfectly manicured dialog. Your stories are a pure pleasure to read.
I feel better informed now knowing just who, or what that bird was in the garden.
Axtilla has always seemed to be the constant, to Pondria's variable.
You have done an amazing job of building up this crescendo, incorporating the scenes from past texts, and misunderstood dreams with fresh information to fill in the gaps that need to be glued to put this broken character back together.
Pondria isn't just a single aspect of this character, he is all characters rolled into one. Axtilla just informed him, there is a fourth dimension to his mental make up, the general isn't necessarily Doctrex, but Doctrex is more of his sensitive make up. I would imagine that Doctrex is the mental character who is fondly surprised to find out Axtilla is a virgin.
Outstanding bit of literary art, my friend.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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This is an incredible investment to use a six star rating on.
Jay, you're a true genius in knowing where to start and stop these segments. As always a crisp, visual presence, accompanied by very well thought out, perfectly manicured dialog. Your stories are a pure pleasure to read.
I feel better informed now knowing just who, or what that bird was in the garden.
Axtilla has always seemed to be the constant, to Pondria's variable.
You have done an amazing job of building up this crescendo, incorporating the scenes from past texts, and misunderstood dreams with fresh information to fill in the gaps that need to be glued to put this broken character back together.
Pondria isn't just a single aspect of this character, he is all characters rolled into one. Axtilla just informed him, there is a fourth dimension to his mental make up, the general isn't necessarily Doctrex, but Doctrex is more of his sensitive make up. I would imagine that Doctrex is the mental character who is fondly surprised to find out Axtilla is a virgin.
Outstanding bit of literary art, my friend.
Jimmy
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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I tried to nominate you only to find I've already done it this month. You've nailed to a "T" (what does that mean?) the characters I've tried to depict at ever increasing levels. Thanks for the six. Was almost overkill. Beautiful review.
Comment from Dashjianta
I'd forgotten about the incident between Doctrex and the General. You handled the recap well, with Pondria struggling to accept it happened and Axtilla showing signs of frustration at his continued refusal to accept what she was telling him. The interplay between the two of them was strong throughout, from the hesitancy at the start to the the playfulness at the end.
I liked the reason for Kyre's coming between them, too, with his wanting to ensure Pondria was whole and of one mind, ready for the coming confrontation. One thing regarding that: I did wonder if it was too easy for Pondria to convince Kyre he was ready. Should there be some sort of soul searching, or self-testing first, before he insists he's himself? Nothing major--just a short para to show he's taking the need to be whole seriously. Or perhaps there could be a feeling to go with the words, a sense that his mind is clearer at that moment than it has been since he woke up on the beach not knowing who he was, an affirmation that, after all that time, he's finally found real him. Not sure you need it, but thought it was worth mentioning just in case.
Suggestions:
I('d) longed for this moment from that day on the Kyrean plains (when) I leaned my back against the log
--Also consider 'since' in place of 'from' as it seems a more natural fit for a prolonged wait.
whoooof-whoooof-whooo-whoooof,
--Should there be an 'f' on the third 'whooo'?
her slippers fairly skimming the surface of the floor with hardly a sound.
--Suggest deleting 'fairly' to avoid having two adverbs in a single sentence.
I sunk back to the chair
--Might be worth adding a brief pause to the start of the sentence, both to show part of him's fighting the warning and to avoid starting two sentences in a row with 'I'.
she reached the bed, and lingered there
--Delete comma.
the fingers of both hands spread(,) and their tips settled on the surface of the blankets
--'their tips' is a new subject.
settled on the surface of the blankets, as softly as spider legs.
--Delete comma.
She directed her words to the blanket and in a voice just above a whisper.
--Delete 'and'. It doesn't change the meaning.
and she half-smiled at what must have been my stricken expression.
--I think you'd get away with deleting 'she' here to avoid repeating it.
I brought my eyes down from hers, and nodded with a slow(,) weighty movement.
--Delete comma after 'hers'.
For just an instant(,) her eyes narrowed.
she had yanked Doctrex through, earlier
--Delete comma.
I gripped the chair on either side of my thighs and leaned forward.
--I had the odd impression of the chair being stuck to his thighs when I first read this. Changing 'on' to 'to' should be enough to avoid it.
This was absurd(,) to have to raise our voices
I--Pondria want you!"
--Might be better to put 'Pondria' inside commas here, or it can be read as 'Pondria want you' which doesn't fit.
Tears sprang to my eyes(,) and I looked away.
So she did love me back then.
--Consider deleting 'then'. I don't think it adds anything.
let alone the the army.
--Delete one of the 'the's.
(H)her voice trailed off(,) and a smile spread over her teeth.
--Not sure about the image of the smile spreading over her teeth--it sort of sounds like her teeth are spreading. Perhaps 'spread/widened to reveal her teeth'.
Axtilla's head whipped to (face) the door.
--Otherwise it could be taken literally as her head moving to the door without her.
Tears rose over her amber irises(,) making them shimmer like gold coins in a brook
I felt their brief shudder(,) before she snugged me into her(,) and they locked behind my back.
and, to keep her from sagging to the floor(,) I angled my arm across her back
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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I'd forgotten about the incident between Doctrex and the General. You handled the recap well, with Pondria struggling to accept it happened and Axtilla showing signs of frustration at his continued refusal to accept what she was telling him. The interplay between the two of them was strong throughout, from the hesitancy at the start to the the playfulness at the end.
I liked the reason for Kyre's coming between them, too, with his wanting to ensure Pondria was whole and of one mind, ready for the coming confrontation. One thing regarding that: I did wonder if it was too easy for Pondria to convince Kyre he was ready. Should there be some sort of soul searching, or self-testing first, before he insists he's himself? Nothing major--just a short para to show he's taking the need to be whole seriously. Or perhaps there could be a feeling to go with the words, a sense that his mind is clearer at that moment than it has been since he woke up on the beach not knowing who he was, an affirmation that, after all that time, he's finally found real him. Not sure you need it, but thought it was worth mentioning just in case.
Suggestions:
I('d) longed for this moment from that day on the Kyrean plains (when) I leaned my back against the log
--Also consider 'since' in place of 'from' as it seems a more natural fit for a prolonged wait.
whoooof-whoooof-whooo-whoooof,
--Should there be an 'f' on the third 'whooo'?
her slippers fairly skimming the surface of the floor with hardly a sound.
--Suggest deleting 'fairly' to avoid having two adverbs in a single sentence.
I sunk back to the chair
--Might be worth adding a brief pause to the start of the sentence, both to show part of him's fighting the warning and to avoid starting two sentences in a row with 'I'.
she reached the bed, and lingered there
--Delete comma.
the fingers of both hands spread(,) and their tips settled on the surface of the blankets
--'their tips' is a new subject.
settled on the surface of the blankets, as softly as spider legs.
--Delete comma.
She directed her words to the blanket and in a voice just above a whisper.
--Delete 'and'. It doesn't change the meaning.
and she half-smiled at what must have been my stricken expression.
--I think you'd get away with deleting 'she' here to avoid repeating it.
I brought my eyes down from hers, and nodded with a slow(,) weighty movement.
--Delete comma after 'hers'.
For just an instant(,) her eyes narrowed.
she had yanked Doctrex through, earlier
--Delete comma.
I gripped the chair on either side of my thighs and leaned forward.
--I had the odd impression of the chair being stuck to his thighs when I first read this. Changing 'on' to 'to' should be enough to avoid it.
This was absurd(,) to have to raise our voices
I--Pondria want you!"
--Might be better to put 'Pondria' inside commas here, or it can be read as 'Pondria want you' which doesn't fit.
Tears sprang to my eyes(,) and I looked away.
So she did love me back then.
--Consider deleting 'then'. I don't think it adds anything.
let alone the the army.
--Delete one of the 'the's.
(H)her voice trailed off(,) and a smile spread over her teeth.
--Not sure about the image of the smile spreading over her teeth--it sort of sounds like her teeth are spreading. Perhaps 'spread/widened to reveal her teeth'.
Axtilla's head whipped to (face) the door.
--Otherwise it could be taken literally as her head moving to the door without her.
Tears rose over her amber irises(,) making them shimmer like gold coins in a brook
I felt their brief shudder(,) before she snugged me into her(,) and they locked behind my back.
and, to keep her from sagging to the floor(,) I angled my arm across her back
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
I('d) longed for this moment from that day on the Kyrean plains (when) I leaned my back against the log
--Also consider 'since' in place of 'from' as it seems a more natural fit for a prolonged wait. [I made all these changes you suggested. Now it reads as I wanted it to read in my head. Isn't it odd how that goes. The changes so minimal, yet so important to the correct meaning.
whoooof-whoooof-whooo-whoooof,
--Should there be an 'f' on the third 'whooo'? [No that was intentional. I said it aloud with a lot of air attending each one and the "whooo" just before the "whoooof" TO ME embodied the sound of the wings reaching the low point, then quickly raising.]
her slippers fairly skimming the surface of the floor with hardly a sound.
--Suggest deleting 'fairly' to avoid having two adverbs in a single sentence. [Done: I wanted to have a feeling of the "magic of anticipation" in the word "fairly" but to be honest with you I'm not sure of the meaning "fairly". It just fit. Will remove it, though.
She directed her words to the blanket and in a voice just above a whisper. [Dang ... then why did I have it there. You're right.
gripped the chair on either side of my thighs and leaned forward.
--I had the odd impression of the chair being stuck to his thighs when I first read this. Changing 'on' to 'to' should be enough to avoid it. [I'll have to think on this a while. "To" doesn't do it for me, and I don't really get that feeling. I'll look at it later.]
See if this is better: I swallowed it back??I want you now, Axtilla. I want?Pondria wants you!? >> That bothered me when I wrote it.
So she did love me back then.
--Consider deleting 'then'. I don't think it adds anything. [If I delete "then" it will read, "So she did love me back." ? The reason I had "back then" was because of his earlier questioning (several chapters ago) whether she really loved him at that time (or whether he just wanted her to so bad.]
let alone the the army.
--Delete one of the 'the's. [WHAT? HOW? I couldn't have done that.]
For nearly all your comma concerns, I corrected without question.
Alex, I feel bad about my lack of understanding about comma use. I'm going to have to simply master their use (or non-use) so you won't have to spend so much of your valuable time helping me. I'm getting emotional ... excuse me. LOL, seriously, though.
I tried to nominate you for reviewer, but already have. Dang!
I('d) longed for this moment from that day on the Kyrean plains (when) I leaned my back against the log
--Also consider 'since' in place of 'from' as it seems a more natural fit for a prolonged wait. [I made all these changes you suggested. Now it reads as I wanted it to read in my head. Isn't it odd how that goes. The changes so minimal, yet so important to the correct meaning.
whoooof-whoooof-whooo-whoooof,
--Should there be an 'f' on the third 'whooo'? [No that was intentional. I said it aloud with a lot of air attending each one and the "whooo" just before the "whoooof" TO ME embodied the sound of the wings reaching the low point, then quickly raising.]
her slippers fairly skimming the surface of the floor with hardly a sound.
--Suggest deleting 'fairly' to avoid having two adverbs in a single sentence. [Done: I wanted to have a feeling of the "magic of anticipation" in the word "fairly" but to be honest with you I'm not sure of the meaning "fairly". It just fit. Will remove it, though.]
She directed her words to the blanket and in a voice just above a whisper. [Dang ... then why did I have it there. You're right.
gripped the chair on either side of my thighs and leaned forward.
--I had the odd impression of the chair being stuck to his thighs when I first read this. Changing 'on' to 'to' should be enough to avoid it. [I'll have to think on this a while. "To" doesn't do it for me, and I don't really get that feeling. I'll look at it later.]
See if this is better: I swallowed it back??I want you now, Axtilla. I want?Pondria wants you!? >> That bothered me when I wrote it.
So she did love me back then.
--Consider deleting 'then'. I don't think it adds anything. [If I delete "then" it will read, "So she did love me back." ? The reason I had "back then" was because of his earlier questioning (several chapters ago) whether she really loved him at that time (or whether he just wanted her to so bad.]
let alone the the army.
--Delete one of the 'the's. [WHAT? HOW? I couldn't have done that.]
For nearly all your comma concerns, I corrected without question.
Alex, I feel bad about my lack of understanding about comma use. I'm going to have to simply master their use (or non-use) so you won't have to spend so much of your valuable time helping me. I'm getting emotional ... excuse me. LOL, seriously, though.
I tried to nominate you for reviewer, but already have. Dang!
-
The duplication deserves explanation. When I sent my responses it showed it in all one jammed paragraph. So I went back and double spaced between paragraphs and resent it. It still showed one clunky paragraph. So I went back to explain and found the response showed both clicks. Oh ... forget it. Some things can't be explained.
-
Explanation understood. 'Twas a garbled display glitch thing-jiggy.
gripped the chair on either side of my thighs and leaned forward...."To" doesn't do it for me, and I don't really get that feeling. I'll look at it later.]
--Maybe it's just a local (or national) dialect thing then, and not something that needs fixed?
[If I delete "then" it will read, "So she did love me back." ? The reason I had "back then" was because of his earlier questioning (several chapters ago) whether she really loved him at that time (or whether he just wanted her to so bad.]
--Oh! That makes sense. You meant "back then" as in "at that time", and I read it as "She loves me too" with the 'then' as a reinforcement, but that would need a comma "She did love me back, then." My bad.
See if this is better: I swallowed it back??I want you now, Axtilla. I want?Pondria wants you!? >> That bothered me when I wrote it.
--Yes, much better.
I'm a bit obsessed with those commas. I need to learn to turn it off so I can read something without going "but there's a comma missing" as I go. lol.
Glad I could help.
Comment from Sis Cat
Jay, this is very well played and well written. I wish I had another six stars to give you but I already gave you one for your repost of your jogging geezer story.
I like how you set us the tension between Axtilla and Doctrex as they are thirty feet apart. I felt the intimacy and the connection between them, and also the power of Kyre over them. The conversation between Axtilla and Doctrex/Pondria provided explanation, tension, and desire. This is very cinematic, mystical writing.
I found one spag. Insert quotation marks: "He's only appeared to me in sleep images," she added. ["]Why would he manifest himself to you?"
Also, I would replace schizophrenia with another term of your own invention. I found this term jarring in the middle of a fantasy, because I associate the term to the "real" world. It was as if I was reading The Lord of the Rings and Gandalf said "Frodo suffers from post traumatic stress syndrome." The psychiatric term is out of place. Saying "two minds warred inside" conveys the same meaning.
Thank you for sharing your exception writing. I found this chapter most entertaining.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Jay, this is very well played and well written. I wish I had another six stars to give you but I already gave you one for your repost of your jogging geezer story.
I like how you set us the tension between Axtilla and Doctrex as they are thirty feet apart. I felt the intimacy and the connection between them, and also the power of Kyre over them. The conversation between Axtilla and Doctrex/Pondria provided explanation, tension, and desire. This is very cinematic, mystical writing.
I found one spag. Insert quotation marks: "He's only appeared to me in sleep images," she added. ["]Why would he manifest himself to you?"
Also, I would replace schizophrenia with another term of your own invention. I found this term jarring in the middle of a fantasy, because I associate the term to the "real" world. It was as if I was reading The Lord of the Rings and Gandalf said "Frodo suffers from post traumatic stress syndrome." The psychiatric term is out of place. Saying "two minds warred inside" conveys the same meaning.
Thank you for sharing your exception writing. I found this chapter most entertaining.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Maybe I need to stress more the fact that Pondria was Viktor in his Earth manifestation, and Viktor was a Psychologist. Who better to use terms like Schizophrenia? But I agree without that implicit connection, it would be a jarring situation. I'll take care of the missing quote mark. Thanks for calling it to my attention. And thanks, as always, for your trenchant renderings.
Comment from LIJ Red
Very well written, Jay. I wonder how many enrapt couples could talk business that much under the circumstances, yet it amplifies the feeling that big ugly things are moving in the shadows. Keep going...
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Very well written, Jay. I wonder how many enrapt couples could talk business that much under the circumstances, yet it amplifies the feeling that big ugly things are moving in the shadows. Keep going...
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Red. I was just picturing your feelings in the Reader when I wrote it. Come on, get on with the steamy stuff. None of this business canoodling! LOL, thanks Red.
Comment from robyn corum
What fun! I'm so excited that Axtilla is not playing him! She's IS being brutally honest with him and great buildup at the beginning of the chapter, not making the foregone conclusion easy. Loved it!
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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What fun! I'm so excited that Axtilla is not playing him! She's IS being brutally honest with him and great buildup at the beginning of the chapter, not making the foregone conclusion easy. Loved it!
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this, Robyn. I'm trying to figure out the next scene. I don't know if I can remember that far back. May have to fake it. LOL, Just kidding. Some things we don't forget.
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remember.... that.... bicycle?
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Ohhhh, that conjures up images I don't think you intended. LOL, never mind.
Comment from krprice
Excellent post, if a bit longer than usual. However, there was no place to divide it up.
What a place to stop the chapter! Look forward to more.
Karlene
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Excellent post, if a bit longer than usual. However, there was no place to divide it up.
What a place to stop the chapter! Look forward to more.
Karlene
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Karlene. Glad you enjoyed this. Yeah it was long, but you can see why I had to break it off here. Her swooning in his arms was a devise I came up with to be able to slow the pace and allow for the next chapter without this one making people fall asleep in the actual sex scene. And that scene, by the way, is going to have to be more PG rated, since I want the entire book to be YA slotted.
Comment from royowen
A delicious episode Jay, these are beautifully presented words, at last Doctrex/ Pondria is finally becoming what he was supposed to be, the episode was great from beginning to end, quite riveting, the God Kyre is a mysterious figure in this brilliant episode. Pondria and Axtilla are settling and sealing their connection with each other, well done, my friend, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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A delicious episode Jay, these are beautifully presented words, at last Doctrex/ Pondria is finally becoming what he was supposed to be, the episode was great from beginning to end, quite riveting, the God Kyre is a mysterious figure in this brilliant episode. Pondria and Axtilla are settling and sealing their connection with each other, well done, my friend, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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I'm so gratified by your review, Roy. I'm glad it resonated. as I mentioned in a previous review, the next scene is going to have to be more PG rated, since I want the entire book to be YA slotted. That's not going to be an easy chapter to do since the readers (at least many of them) have been waiting (or read that wading) through three long books to finally have the couple get together. I hope they're not expecting a Henry Miller or D H Lawrence depiction. Again, thanks and be blessed.
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Me too Jay, that makes it hard,
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
That is quite a build-up and then you end there! You are a tease, Sir.
"Do--do you feel him here?" She asked. - she.
Why would he manifest himself to you?"
- need opening speech marks here.
Tears rose over her amber irises making them shimmer like gold coins in a brook - lovely bit of description.
G
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Hi Jay,
That is quite a build-up and then you end there! You are a tease, Sir.
"Do--do you feel him here?" She asked. - she.
Why would he manifest himself to you?"
- need opening speech marks here.
Tears rose over her amber irises making them shimmer like gold coins in a brook - lovely bit of description.
G
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2016
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Why you old pervert you! LOL, you think, "Do--do you feel him here?" ... should be followed by, -she asked, laying a hand on her crotch. (?) BTW, I took care of the missed open quote. Thanks. Your tease, though, does bring up a serious question in my mind: As I said to another reviewer, "The next scene is going to have to be more PG rated, since I want the entire book to be YA slotted. That's not going to be an easy chapter to do since the readers (at least many of them) have been waiting (or read that wading) through three long books to finally have the couple get together. I hope they're not expecting a Henry Miller or D H Lawrence depiction."
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Hi Jay,
Have you seen or read 'The Princess Bride'? Such an innocent (in many ways, in some not so much!) endeavour but it is a love story without the sex, yet manages to be extremely charged without it, and it's all over a kiss but very chaste. (much more chaste than you wrote in this chapter in fact)
I thought the handling here was excellent and had that similar feel to it - I should have included that in the review. Your skill as a writer won't let them down I am sure. it hasn't yet.
All the best
G
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Awwwww, thanks G. I wish I could have that confidence when I first sit in front of the blank screen.