THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "The All-Nighter"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
43 total reviews
Comment from boxergirl
Hi Jay,
Great scene, my friend. I could feel Doctrex's anxiousness as he awaits Axtilla's arrival. " My heart galloped in my palm and fingers," Awesome imagery!
And then the sexual tension was rising with Axtilla teasing him and us but now we got to wait. Well done! 8-)
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Hi Jay,
Great scene, my friend. I could feel Doctrex's anxiousness as he awaits Axtilla's arrival. " My heart galloped in my palm and fingers," Awesome imagery!
And then the sexual tension was rising with Axtilla teasing him and us but now we got to wait. Well done! 8-)
Comment Written 11-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Had an incredibly hard time describing her gown. Thanks for your kind comments and your generous rating. Wow!
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Jay,
This is written well with just a bit of wordiness and some questionable comma use. Description is excellent, as usual, and pace good. Characterization is solid. I like the way you give us small details as part of the larger picture, like Doctrex worrying over the arrangement of chairs at the table.
Well done and write on,
Lana
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Hi Jay,
This is written well with just a bit of wordiness and some questionable comma use. Description is excellent, as usual, and pace good. Characterization is solid. I like the way you give us small details as part of the larger picture, like Doctrex worrying over the arrangement of chairs at the table.
Well done and write on,
Lana
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Thanks so much, Lana. Commas, whoa, my nemesis! I appreciate your comments, Lana.
Comment from DonandVicki
You continued this story on seamlessly. I felt pulled back into the plot and your characters felt real to me. You also know when to ehd the story keeping the reader wanting more. Well done and write on.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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You continued this story on seamlessly. I felt pulled back into the plot and your characters felt real to me. You also know when to ehd the story keeping the reader wanting more. Well done and write on.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Good to have you back, Donald and Vicki. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this chapter.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
My heart galloped into my palm and fingers. - great line.
the laundryman came and (hung up) my pants, shirt and the gaudy, gold jacket for me to wear at the wedding. - suggestion.
There would be no napping through his pounding nails into the door - I was a bit confused because at the start of the chapter, it says the locksmith had already been?
and refreshened my face - refreshed ?
we didn't need a curtain of pretention - My spell-check highlighted this word. Do you mean 'pretense'?
A darker pink sash encircled her waist, and the ends of it cascaded down from where it
Turning her head my way, she smiled and then drifted away from me toward the bed. - and you end the post!!!
Next. LOL!
Great writing, Jay. Smooth, great scene-setting. Really enjoyed it.
Av
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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My heart galloped into my palm and fingers. - great line.
the laundryman came and (hung up) my pants, shirt and the gaudy, gold jacket for me to wear at the wedding. - suggestion.
There would be no napping through his pounding nails into the door - I was a bit confused because at the start of the chapter, it says the locksmith had already been?
and refreshened my face - refreshed ?
we didn't need a curtain of pretention - My spell-check highlighted this word. Do you mean 'pretense'?
A darker pink sash encircled her waist, and the ends of it cascaded down from where it
Turning her head my way, she smiled and then drifted away from me toward the bed. - and you end the post!!!
Next. LOL!
Great writing, Jay. Smooth, great scene-setting. Really enjoyed it.
Av
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Thanks for the complete reading and your suggestions. I'll look them over carefully.
There would be no napping through his pounding nails into the door - The first mention was just a quick note, this was a part of a lengthy flashback.
Refreshed is the better choice. I realized it but still found refreshened more to my liking. I'll check it again.
Dang European spell-check. But they are so "European" with their rejection. But, no, pretenTion is what I wanted, though it was misspelled. Should be PRETENSION.
Comment from Marvin Calloway
This leaves nothing to be desired save for its anticipated climax.
Items to consider:
as Axtilla, framed by the doorway, staring . . . (The mind automatically goes to the image of a doorway framing Axtilla, rather than the reverse.)
(Do we need 'standing in the doorway' in the next para.?)
. . . inclined slightly toward the door jamb. (Read it without 'slightly' and you'll get my point.)
A well written chapter.
As always, I hope this helps more than irritates.
Marv
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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This leaves nothing to be desired save for its anticipated climax.
Items to consider:
as Axtilla, framed by the doorway, staring . . . (The mind automatically goes to the image of a doorway framing Axtilla, rather than the reverse.)
(Do we need 'standing in the doorway' in the next para.?)
. . . inclined slightly toward the door jamb. (Read it without 'slightly' and you'll get my point.)
A well written chapter.
As always, I hope this helps more than irritates.
Marv
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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You could never irritate me, Marv. You might have something about the use of doorway in consecutive paragraphs. I'll look over "slightly," as well. I always appreciate sincere suggestions. What I hate is unrestrained praise and a three star rating.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I can't believe they are finally together, these two larger-than-life characters. You did a great job of the anticipation before her arrival, and her entrance. And who could stop reading the book at this critical stage of the encounter ... Alas, I have to wait. Giddy
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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I can't believe they are finally together, these two larger-than-life characters. You did a great job of the anticipation before her arrival, and her entrance. And who could stop reading the book at this critical stage of the encounter ... Alas, I have to wait. Giddy
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2016
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Who could wait? We all could, and did. I'm still not finished with the next scene. Have no idea what's going to happen. Giddy, thanks for the six stars. I appreciate it.
Comment from June Estep Fiorelli
Hi, Jay. I decided to take a break for a while. Also, company and other activities. Sorry I haven't kept up.
So, at last the lovers are alone, and once again I'm waiting for trouble.
Meanwhile, as always, a couple of things:
First, I'd like more about how Pondria is feeling about all the interruptions. He wants to be in top shape; he wants a nap! I know he can't express his frustration externally, but inside I'd think he'd be steaming. I'd like some of that described.
Second, In paragraph 1 you have him testing the locks. The locksmith has already done his job. Then, in paragraph 8 the locksmith comes. You don't say "again" but I think Pondria would really be annoyed at that and think about why it's happening. Obviously, Reuther has sent him. Would he have suspicions?
Third: I feel when he sees Axtilla the language gets overly flowery; phrases like "drank in her image" and "the shadowed mysteries" seem more fitting for the "30s.
When you say the "gown probably hadn't been chosen for the wedding" is it because it's too revealing? I think we have to know why.
Now, are you sorry you heard from me? Hey, overall a good job, and we're moving along to some crisis. Do you have an idea of your final word count?
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Hi, Jay. I decided to take a break for a while. Also, company and other activities. Sorry I haven't kept up.
So, at last the lovers are alone, and once again I'm waiting for trouble.
Meanwhile, as always, a couple of things:
First, I'd like more about how Pondria is feeling about all the interruptions. He wants to be in top shape; he wants a nap! I know he can't express his frustration externally, but inside I'd think he'd be steaming. I'd like some of that described.
Second, In paragraph 1 you have him testing the locks. The locksmith has already done his job. Then, in paragraph 8 the locksmith comes. You don't say "again" but I think Pondria would really be annoyed at that and think about why it's happening. Obviously, Reuther has sent him. Would he have suspicions?
Third: I feel when he sees Axtilla the language gets overly flowery; phrases like "drank in her image" and "the shadowed mysteries" seem more fitting for the "30s.
When you say the "gown probably hadn't been chosen for the wedding" is it because it's too revealing? I think we have to know why.
Now, are you sorry you heard from me? Hey, overall a good job, and we're moving along to some crisis. Do you have an idea of your final word count?
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Hahaha! I missed you, June. I'll have to go back in the re-edit to make sure I transitioned well enough for the flashback to when the locksmith actually came in.
Don't want flowery in the language. He has wanted to get it on with Axtilla for about 750 pages, so ... but that doesn't excuse the overly ornate. I'll see about toning it down.
I really feel I told the reader enough, though about the inner frustration over not getting his nap. But, I'll check that, too.
You just keep doing your job here, June! I need reviews like that.
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Yep! I know what he's been waiting for, and I think the stirring in his gut (or wherever) would tell us more about that lust that has been long delayed than "drank in her image." You're a guy, so you must know how a man's body would react to the image. I just think that is more interesting to describe than details of her image. Also, I guess those good old guys, Strunk & White have brainwashed me: Read Style Rule #8 - Do not Overwrite, and #14, Avoid Fancy Words.
As to his frustration, You SAID it, but I didn't feel it from him...how he would struggle to act patient and calm in front of the workers, maybe turning away to hide his reaction (anger). He had to be near the edge at this point...so many things depended on each little part. Control was critical, and maintaining it called on every ounce of his being. I'd like to feel the intensity of that.
Just sharing my thoughts. Glad you responded, Jay.
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I love the way you share your thoughts. I could have said, "He sat in his chair, wanting her, but only part of him rose to the challenge. Hee-hee, is that what you mean? I have the idea. I'll look more closely at the next edit.
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You're getting close, you devil.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Well, I wonder what Axtilla has on her mind. LOL I have a feeling I already know. You did a great job writing anticipation and emotion with this post. Good job.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Well, I wonder what Axtilla has on her mind. LOL I have a feeling I already know. You did a great job writing anticipation and emotion with this post. Good job.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Barbara, thanks for your six stars. I know you're usually rather frugal with them, so this is a treat. It's going to be a challenge with the next chapter or two since I want to show their physical love for each other, but I want this to also be a YA Fantasy.
Comment from Sasha
I realize I have missed a couple of posts but your excellent style of writing made me feel I had not missed a thing. This is superbly written and I enjoyed it immensely. I found nothing to change or correct, but remember, I am the worst editor on this site. I am finally feeling better and thought I would get back into reading and reviewing after such a long absence.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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I realize I have missed a couple of posts but your excellent style of writing made me feel I had not missed a thing. This is superbly written and I enjoyed it immensely. I found nothing to change or correct, but remember, I am the worst editor on this site. I am finally feeling better and thought I would get back into reading and reviewing after such a long absence.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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It's so good to have you back, Sasha, but I meant it when I told you not to feel obligated to review my stuff. Just an "It's okay," with a six is all I need, LOL. Seriously get well!
Comment from JBCaine
Jay-
I believe this is the first bit of this I have read, and I see that I have missed something very tasty indeed.
You do a great job of showing, not telling, and your descriptive prose has a nice smooth flow.
I have no suggestions or corrections for you.
Possibly the least helpful review ever, but I truly enjoyed this.
JBCaine-
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Jay-
I believe this is the first bit of this I have read, and I see that I have missed something very tasty indeed.
You do a great job of showing, not telling, and your descriptive prose has a nice smooth flow.
I have no suggestions or corrections for you.
Possibly the least helpful review ever, but I truly enjoyed this.
JBCaine-
Comment Written 10-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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I love that you chose this one to read, JB. Although it makes me wonder about you morally, when you choose to read "The All-Nighter." LOL, thanks, REALLY, for the six, and please come back and watch them sleep.