THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 " Is the Alliance With Chiel Wise?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
45 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
It is known when something is good, when a true writer writes, for there are no fears in expecting bumps and bruises from the narrative.
Although not familiar with the characters, having missed earlier chapters, I was afraid I might get lost...on the contrary. I quickly began to enjoy the write. Being comfortable soon came to the fore, all the signs of a good book.
''There was nothing I could do--nothing he would let me do. It was obvious he'd been beaten soundly''
I might just swap places with ''beaten'' and ''soundly'' where the adverb Soundly) modifies the adjective ( beaten)
There was nothing I could do--nothing he would let me do. It was obvious he'd been soundly beaten.
Extremely well write, Jay. Interesting and well organized.
Bravo.
RG
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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It is known when something is good, when a true writer writes, for there are no fears in expecting bumps and bruises from the narrative.
Although not familiar with the characters, having missed earlier chapters, I was afraid I might get lost...on the contrary. I quickly began to enjoy the write. Being comfortable soon came to the fore, all the signs of a good book.
''There was nothing I could do--nothing he would let me do. It was obvious he'd been beaten soundly''
I might just swap places with ''beaten'' and ''soundly'' where the adverb Soundly) modifies the adjective ( beaten)
There was nothing I could do--nothing he would let me do. It was obvious he'd been soundly beaten.
Extremely well write, Jay. Interesting and well organized.
Bravo.
RG
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thanks for your generosity and kindness, RG. So pleased you mentioned the "beaten soundly" thing. I wasn't aware of a rule, but when I read it back to my ear it sounded much better your way. And as the old Frank Sinatra song say, "I did it YOUR way." I made the change. Again, thanks.
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Yeh, Jay, try not to dwell too much on rules, for if it sounds better, its usually right.
You are a star, my friend.
Best wishes.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay sorry being late reading this chapter (will forward you a PM telling you why)
Jay I didn't realize that CHIEL had so much compassion person of how he cared for his starving people.
Gert
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Hello Jay sorry being late reading this chapter (will forward you a PM telling you why)
Jay I didn't realize that CHIEL had so much compassion person of how he cared for his starving people.
Gert
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Gert, for the kindness and the generous rating. Yes, Chiel isn't too militarily savvy, but he's compassionate.
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You are welcome Jay.
Gert
Comment from Sasha
Sorry, I need to go to your portfolio and catch up on the chapters I have missed while off line for so long. I will be honest, until I do I won't read this one as I need to catch up first. Sorry...
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Sorry, I need to go to your portfolio and catch up on the chapters I have missed while off line for so long. I will be honest, until I do I won't read this one as I need to catch up first. Sorry...
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Sasha, don't feel you need to catch up. I fully understand. When you get around to it you might get me a written excuse from your doctor. That would do. LOL, you worry too much about this.
Comment from robyn corum
Looks like things are about to get veeerrryy interesting, Jay. I'm rather anxious to see what's up with the tailor (did I miss something?) and when all the shooting and killing starts! hehehe
(the evil side of me wins most of the time!)
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Looks like things are about to get veeerrryy interesting, Jay. I'm rather anxious to see what's up with the tailor (did I miss something?) and when all the shooting and killing starts! hehehe
(the evil side of me wins most of the time!)
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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No, Robyn, I don't believe you missed anything. Next chapter you'll get Rhuether's side explained.
Comment from Drew Delaney
Once again, you have touched a nerve. Corl has been beaten horribly and an attempt to please the Doctor with the gaudy garment is heartbreaking. Well done. Hope your writing time is enjoyed and that you are well. Drew
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Once again, you have touched a nerve. Corl has been beaten horribly and an attempt to please the Doctor with the gaudy garment is heartbreaking. Well done. Hope your writing time is enjoyed and that you are well. Drew
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Bless you, Drew! And thanks so much for the six stars. Yeah, Corl, is a tragic case. Glad you picked up on it.
Comment from Ginnygray
J it is a true testament to you as a writer! Fascinating chapter of Chiel and his preparation for war. Doctrix and Corl urge Chiel to form a pact to defeat Reuther and his forces. Poor Corl has taken such a horrific beating but managed to bring back the jacket. You have quite an imagination! Keep up the great writing, J!ð???
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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J it is a true testament to you as a writer! Fascinating chapter of Chiel and his preparation for war. Doctrix and Corl urge Chiel to form a pact to defeat Reuther and his forces. Poor Corl has taken such a horrific beating but managed to bring back the jacket. You have quite an imagination! Keep up the great writing, J!ð???
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Bless you, Ginny, for your kind and generous remarks. I'm so happy you are enjoying the story.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
As always, well written and enjoyable, Jay.
Poor Corl - why has he been beaten?
Of course,I've missed some of the chapters.
the bowls, plate(s)
"Thank you General Doctrex(.)" He turned[,] with difficulty - lose comma - add period
I rushed to button it, and then tugged the bottom [[of it]] down level on both sides. - suggestion - lose 2nd "of it" which is not really needed.
Margaret
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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As always, well written and enjoyable, Jay.
Poor Corl - why has he been beaten?
Of course,I've missed some of the chapters.
the bowls, plate(s)
"Thank you General Doctrex(.)" He turned[,] with difficulty - lose comma - add period
I rushed to button it, and then tugged the bottom [[of it]] down level on both sides. - suggestion - lose 2nd "of it" which is not really needed.
Margaret
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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First of all, thanks for your usual kindness, especially with the 6 stars. I took care of everything you suggested except pluralizing plate. As odd as it sounds there was only one plate (Doctrex'). In fact it was the previous chapter that Doctrex mentioned to Chiel that he should have brought a plate for himself, but he was worried how he could explain it if Rhuether happened to come in and see him eating.
Everything else, spot on. I don't know how I missed forgetting the punctuation before the closed quote. I read through the chapter before I post it just for those kinds of things. Anyway, thanks for your keen eye!
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Great post - intricate, with all the planning etc. Well handled, Jay. I like Doctrex - great character, and really look forward to seeing how all of this plays out. I'm still not convinced, though, that these guys and their plans are watertight. Something about Rhuether bothers me. But maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there! Poor Corl! You described his sorry state very well.
I held up (an) index finger-- "will be defeated in one - removes the echo of 'one'.
He smiled over to me - I'm not sure you can smile 'to' someone. 'at' someone, I think?
Well done.
Av
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Great post - intricate, with all the planning etc. Well handled, Jay. I like Doctrex - great character, and really look forward to seeing how all of this plays out. I'm still not convinced, though, that these guys and their plans are watertight. Something about Rhuether bothers me. But maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there! Poor Corl! You described his sorry state very well.
I held up (an) index finger-- "will be defeated in one - removes the echo of 'one'.
He smiled over to me - I'm not sure you can smile 'to' someone. 'at' someone, I think?
Well done.
Av
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Did I say that? "over to me"? Also, the echo of "one". Both good points. I don't know why I'd have him holding up "one" index finger anyway. As opposed to what, two index fingers? I'll take care of it. Thanks you, Av. You are quite an asset to me.
Comment from Tessa Kay
Not much happening in this chapter. What it does show is the suffering around Doctrex which makes the reader root even more for his plan to work out.
-nostrils flared as he took in a breath through his nose. - cut 'through the nose'? His nostrils wouldn't flare otherwise. Next I'm thinking, ah, maybe leave it. And then I realise what bothers me. I'm so focused on his nose (2 x mentions) that I'm losing the overall feel. Nothing big, just a little too much detail for me.
-minds twisted up - cut 'up'?
-I get that Chiel is emotionally invested, but I found the crying a little over the top. Haven't they come together to think of a strategy? And the way Doctrex was talking, he had something up his sleeve. Why doesn't Chiel just ask him what he thought they should do instead of cry?
-He hoped his alliance was a wise one. - slight break of POV?
-Oh the blessings of modern plumbing ...Glad we don't have to go through such rigmarole in order to have a bath.
-came with two fresh pitchers of flavored water, one for the table and one for the bed stand, and the bowl of fruit. - the bowl of fruit sounds more like an add-on. How about mentioning it first or putting the previous sentece between emdashes? I think mentioning it first would work best. See what you think.
-He started to laugh, evidently thought better of it, but left the hint of a smirk on his lips for just a second before a mask of pain replaced it. - great description :)
-jacket in a timely fashion brought it about. - had brought it about?
Very enjoyable read, as always :)
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Not much happening in this chapter. What it does show is the suffering around Doctrex which makes the reader root even more for his plan to work out.
-nostrils flared as he took in a breath through his nose. - cut 'through the nose'? His nostrils wouldn't flare otherwise. Next I'm thinking, ah, maybe leave it. And then I realise what bothers me. I'm so focused on his nose (2 x mentions) that I'm losing the overall feel. Nothing big, just a little too much detail for me.
-minds twisted up - cut 'up'?
-I get that Chiel is emotionally invested, but I found the crying a little over the top. Haven't they come together to think of a strategy? And the way Doctrex was talking, he had something up his sleeve. Why doesn't Chiel just ask him what he thought they should do instead of cry?
-He hoped his alliance was a wise one. - slight break of POV?
-Oh the blessings of modern plumbing ...Glad we don't have to go through such rigmarole in order to have a bath.
-came with two fresh pitchers of flavored water, one for the table and one for the bed stand, and the bowl of fruit. - the bowl of fruit sounds more like an add-on. How about mentioning it first or putting the previous sentece between emdashes? I think mentioning it first would work best. See what you think.
-He started to laugh, evidently thought better of it, but left the hint of a smirk on his lips for just a second before a mask of pain replaced it. - great description :)
-jacket in a timely fashion brought it about. - had brought it about?
Very enjoyable read, as always :)
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Dang git, Tessa, I went through each one of your suggestions, taking over an hour to make changes and let you know why or why not, then gave you the Thumbs up award and forgot to back screen to my response to your review. It was all lost. And I'm too beat to redo it. A summary: Nose breathing ... I changed it per suggestion. Minds twisted UP. Nope, left it because I wanted the echo of the other two uses of "up". Said I will give some thought to Chiel's cry-baby tears. Slight break in POV? OMG, total break. I forgot I was in the first person so I changed it to "I hoped my alliance was a wise one." Loved your idea of putting the fruit bowl first before the water pitchers. Did it. Added "had" to "brought it about". Agreed with you it was a "Very enjoyable read, as always :)"
Again ... Thanks Tessa for all your help.
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Very welcome. I only mentioned the 'up' because that was my first wrist slap from Turtle. I used to use 'up' a lot, and do a search for them now before I post. Most can be happily deleted and the writing is tighter, but I understand what you mean with the echo of 'up's.
Glad I was of help with all the other things. :)
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Yes, especially the POV thing. No one else pointed it out and I was abashed to have made the mistake.
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Many eyes make writing work :)
Comment from F. Wehr3
Another great chapter, Jay. I am not sure what to think of Chiel based on your title. He seems to be a solid man, and he will do what he needs to do for his people. Intriguing, what will happen next?
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Another great chapter, Jay. I am not sure what to think of Chiel based on your title. He seems to be a solid man, and he will do what he needs to do for his people. Intriguing, what will happen next?
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Hey, Russell. I got one comment that I shouldn't have Chiel cry. I hate to say it, but I hate that title. I wish I didn't have to come up with a title for each chapter. Thanks, my friend, for reading.