THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Pressure on a Bruise"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
37 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Rhuether confessed he had no one to trust. (I can't imagine not being able to trust anybody, how horrible of an existence.) I enjoyed reading this post. Good job of writing.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Rhuether confessed he had no one to trust. (I can't imagine not being able to trust anybody, how horrible of an existence.) I enjoyed reading this post. Good job of writing.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Thank you, Barbara. I think he trusts Pondria, though. Don't you? Pondria certainly hopes so, in a perverse sort of way.
Comment from royowen
Glno Reuther is greatly amused by the revelation of the battle between, Southern forces and the Northern after the wedding. What Battlie? The approaching battle and the thought that all the nuptials incur, such as, the mojo and the "Sacred rites of conjugality" and his ongoing conspiracy with Axtila, are a great twist and con, in the scheme of things, great yarn weaving Jay, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Glno Reuther is greatly amused by the revelation of the battle between, Southern forces and the Northern after the wedding. What Battlie? The approaching battle and the thought that all the nuptials incur, such as, the mojo and the "Sacred rites of conjugality" and his ongoing conspiracy with Axtila, are a great twist and con, in the scheme of things, great yarn weaving Jay, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Roy, it sounds like you're really getting into this. I never would have taken you for a Fantasy genre lover--or even liker. But don't change, my friend. Thanks for reading and for your kind rating.
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I once had the best collection of sci fi books ever, Asimov, Wyndham, Arthur C. Clark, CS Lewis, Tolkien,etc. well done,
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Well... okay! Funny, I love Lewis's christian work, but never read his fantasy. Yeah, I know, but The Trining was written without any Sci Fi or Fantasy background.
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CS Lewis was "Voyage to Venus" trilogy.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I kind of figured Glnot to be a little more savvy than given credit for. Or maybe I just sensed that all was not going quite to plan. I felt somewhat uncomfortable by the complacency and certainty displayed by Doctrex. Nice cliffhanger, Jay. Guess I'll have to wait.
Some wee things to consider:
I lay on my back, ankles crossed, hands behind my head on the pillow. I had poured myself a glass of water before lying down, and put it between the pitcher and the vase in case I wanted it later. The fragrance of cut flowers hung in the air.
Consider switching this first part about:
I () poured myself a glass of water and put it between the pitcher and the vase in case I wanted it later. The fragrance of cut flowers hung in the air. Then I lay on my back, ankles crossed, hands behind my head on the pillow.
For the time being, my job was done.
-I just think this last part (my job was done) flows better from '...head on the pillow' image, than from '...cut flowers hung in the air.' ???
last night's stimulation had swarmed my mind like a hive of bees - nice!
Look forward to the next.
Av
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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I kind of figured Glnot to be a little more savvy than given credit for. Or maybe I just sensed that all was not going quite to plan. I felt somewhat uncomfortable by the complacency and certainty displayed by Doctrex. Nice cliffhanger, Jay. Guess I'll have to wait.
Some wee things to consider:
I lay on my back, ankles crossed, hands behind my head on the pillow. I had poured myself a glass of water before lying down, and put it between the pitcher and the vase in case I wanted it later. The fragrance of cut flowers hung in the air.
Consider switching this first part about:
I () poured myself a glass of water and put it between the pitcher and the vase in case I wanted it later. The fragrance of cut flowers hung in the air. Then I lay on my back, ankles crossed, hands behind my head on the pillow.
For the time being, my job was done.
-I just think this last part (my job was done) flows better from '...head on the pillow' image, than from '...cut flowers hung in the air.' ???
last night's stimulation had swarmed my mind like a hive of bees - nice!
Look forward to the next.
Av
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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What a Wonderful suggestion, Av. I made the change just as you suggested. It reads much better that way. Thank you so much for taking the time to read at such depth.
Comment from Tessa Kay
Oh-oh. What is he up to? You sure know how to set the cliffhangers. I want to read on. I have a feeling, Glnot is not as simple or stupid as it first seemed.
- Love the way you describe what is happening in the other room through what he imagines. Very clever.
-I rolled to my side and propped myself onto my elbow to drink - a lot of 'my's in this short sentence. How about 'I rolled over and propped myself on my elbow'?
-especially in the parts the rational mind accepted as able to move in the real world, like wings and breath. - had to read this one a few times. Seemed very complicated to me. I think I know why. 'Move in the real world like wings and breath'. Consider 'Breathing'? To me, 'breath' doesn't move. Unless I'm getting it completele wrong, in which case a simplifications might be useful for all other simpletons like me...
-Who knew? Yet I needed to know. Perhaps Bips or Chiel? I would ask them. - seems to me the sequence is slightly off, which makes the 'Perhaps Bips or Chiel' sentence come across as incomplete. How about, 'Who knew? Perhaps Bips or Chiel? Yet, I needed to know. I would ask them.' - see what you think.
-had swarmed my mind like a hive of bees - I like that and can empathise...:)
-and didn't allow for much restful sleep. - hadn't allowed?
-I rolled to my side - again? (same paragraph start earlier)
-"Glnot. I took a little nap."- Would leave the name to stand on its own and put the rest after the action tag. More consistent with someone being woken from sleep I think.
-I looked up 'scooch' cause I like the word. Its meaning is 'crouch or squat, move in or pass through a tight or narrow space, move buttocks over'. None of that seems to fit with him reaching the foot of the bed. And if he got there feet first, why does he need to swing his legs around? Couldn't quite get this movement. Am I missing something? It would make sense to me without the scooching to the foot of the bed. Ah well.
-hopped off and stood there for a moment - the 'there' connects in my mind to the last location mentioned, i.e the table. Cut it?
-since your Council of Twelve had foolishly planned an all-out assault on us here." - has foolishly planned? Or is that over already? Could be from the part before I started reading this. Don;t know. If it's still ongoing, shd be 'has planned'
I could easily imagine this as a novel you read from start to finish with chocolate by your side and a lamp you flick on when it gets dark. Drew me in. Nice one. :)
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2016
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Oh-oh. What is he up to? You sure know how to set the cliffhangers. I want to read on. I have a feeling, Glnot is not as simple or stupid as it first seemed.
- Love the way you describe what is happening in the other room through what he imagines. Very clever.
-I rolled to my side and propped myself onto my elbow to drink - a lot of 'my's in this short sentence. How about 'I rolled over and propped myself on my elbow'?
-especially in the parts the rational mind accepted as able to move in the real world, like wings and breath. - had to read this one a few times. Seemed very complicated to me. I think I know why. 'Move in the real world like wings and breath'. Consider 'Breathing'? To me, 'breath' doesn't move. Unless I'm getting it completele wrong, in which case a simplifications might be useful for all other simpletons like me...
-Who knew? Yet I needed to know. Perhaps Bips or Chiel? I would ask them. - seems to me the sequence is slightly off, which makes the 'Perhaps Bips or Chiel' sentence come across as incomplete. How about, 'Who knew? Perhaps Bips or Chiel? Yet, I needed to know. I would ask them.' - see what you think.
-had swarmed my mind like a hive of bees - I like that and can empathise...:)
-and didn't allow for much restful sleep. - hadn't allowed?
-I rolled to my side - again? (same paragraph start earlier)
-"Glnot. I took a little nap."- Would leave the name to stand on its own and put the rest after the action tag. More consistent with someone being woken from sleep I think.
-I looked up 'scooch' cause I like the word. Its meaning is 'crouch or squat, move in or pass through a tight or narrow space, move buttocks over'. None of that seems to fit with him reaching the foot of the bed. And if he got there feet first, why does he need to swing his legs around? Couldn't quite get this movement. Am I missing something? It would make sense to me without the scooching to the foot of the bed. Ah well.
-hopped off and stood there for a moment - the 'there' connects in my mind to the last location mentioned, i.e the table. Cut it?
-since your Council of Twelve had foolishly planned an all-out assault on us here." - has foolishly planned? Or is that over already? Could be from the part before I started reading this. Don;t know. If it's still ongoing, shd be 'has planned'
I could easily imagine this as a novel you read from start to finish with chocolate by your side and a lamp you flick on when it gets dark. Drew me in. Nice one. :)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2016
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Many thanks, Tessa Kay. I finally got to this meaty review. I changed the breath to breathing, as you suggested. Thanks.
Who knew? Yet I needed to know. Perhaps Bips or Chiel? I would ask them. [I didn't like this paragraph anyway. You were right though. I didn't even want the "Who knew". I wanted more the feeling of "who knows?" But I didn't want it in the present tense. I decided on: "It might be useful to know. Perhaps Bips or Chiel? I'd ask them."
Dang, I like scooch. But you are right. If it doesn't mean to slide down on your butt, I'll have to change it. Allow me to check out a couple of dozen more references. Perhaps the OED.
The council of twelve had planned the all-out assault on the palace months earlier and it was for that Doctrex was commissioned.
Made many of the suggested changes. What I didn't make, I'll mull over for the next edit.
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I'm happy if even just one of the points mentioned was helpful to you. A supermarket chain here in Ireland named Tesco have the slogan 'Every little helps'. At least in that, they are right. :)
Comment from GWHARGIS
Alrighty mister, you can't leave it like that. Good build up of Axtilla's reaction. I was waiting along with Doctrex for the outcome of that meeting. Now I still have to wait. Lol. I like the snippets of Doctrex as a man in love not just a thinking, military (presumed military) man. Very interesting chapter. Gretchen
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Alrighty mister, you can't leave it like that. Good build up of Axtilla's reaction. I was waiting along with Doctrex for the outcome of that meeting. Now I still have to wait. Lol. I like the snippets of Doctrex as a man in love not just a thinking, military (presumed military) man. Very interesting chapter. Gretchen
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Gretchen, you make me so proud. Thanks for your lovely six stars. You know how to make my evening shine.
Comment from Drew Delaney
A well written chapter, Jay. I did not notice any SPAG issues.
It's a good story with good characterization. So glad you are here and doing well.
Drew
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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A well written chapter, Jay. I did not notice any SPAG issues.
It's a good story with good characterization. So glad you are here and doing well.
Drew
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Oh, I'm here, Drew. I think I've submitted about 10 stories and poems, so I'm taking a little breather. Thanks SO MUCH for the six stars.
Comment from Dashjianta
An enjoyable chapter, Jay. Was good to see Doctrex have some time to think and reflect on what's happening. I also liked how he imagines Axtilla's reactions to Glnot's recap of the Mojo story.
Sounds like Glnot is about to spring his own surprise on Doctex now. By asking Doctrex to order the Kabeezan army to surrender? Or by demanding Doctrex, and the Kabeezan army, come over to his side, thereby fulfilling the prophecy?
Suggestions:
She'd listen to the nuance of every word Rhuether delivered. She'd know to keep her smiles hidden.
--Make into one sentence to avoid repeated 'she'd'.
When Rhuether would sketch the image of my poring over the tomes...
--replace 'would sketch' with 'sketched' for better flow.
When Rhuether would sketch the image of my poring over the tomes of Mojo magic in the sacred libraries(,) in order to understand Mojo's monumental role in the Variations to the Sacred Rites of Conjugality
--You don't need the suggested comma, but, because the sentence is so long, it may help to give the reader a mental breather.
in all their gruesome details, the examples of (how) Mojo's deadly justice dealt (with) every violator
--Sounds like there's a word(s) missing in the above as it is.
though I found it difficult to pour down the water through a smile.
--Delete 'down'.
able to move in the real world, like wings and breath.
--'breath' isn't a part of an animal you see moving though. 'chests' or 'sides' would be more accurate.
Of all the creatures on the ceiling(,) the frog seemed least deserving of the artist's skills in carving.
--Delete 'in carving'?
it was obvious he already had made himself vulnerable to her.
--Swap 'had' and 'already' for better flow?
Rhuether had ordained the other's severed head to be affixed to the end of a stake
--delete the first 'to'.
He raised his eyebrows in somehow a comic way
--Can you be more specific than 'somehow'? It feels out of place, given the detail you go into in the rest of the chapter.
We had originally planned for the ceremony (to occur/take place?) after the battle(,) since your Council of Twelve had foolishly planned an all-out assault on us here."
You'll have the marriage ceremony before the battle.
--Should this be a question?
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2016
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An enjoyable chapter, Jay. Was good to see Doctrex have some time to think and reflect on what's happening. I also liked how he imagines Axtilla's reactions to Glnot's recap of the Mojo story.
Sounds like Glnot is about to spring his own surprise on Doctex now. By asking Doctrex to order the Kabeezan army to surrender? Or by demanding Doctrex, and the Kabeezan army, come over to his side, thereby fulfilling the prophecy?
Suggestions:
She'd listen to the nuance of every word Rhuether delivered. She'd know to keep her smiles hidden.
--Make into one sentence to avoid repeated 'she'd'.
When Rhuether would sketch the image of my poring over the tomes...
--replace 'would sketch' with 'sketched' for better flow.
When Rhuether would sketch the image of my poring over the tomes of Mojo magic in the sacred libraries(,) in order to understand Mojo's monumental role in the Variations to the Sacred Rites of Conjugality
--You don't need the suggested comma, but, because the sentence is so long, it may help to give the reader a mental breather.
in all their gruesome details, the examples of (how) Mojo's deadly justice dealt (with) every violator
--Sounds like there's a word(s) missing in the above as it is.
though I found it difficult to pour down the water through a smile.
--Delete 'down'.
able to move in the real world, like wings and breath.
--'breath' isn't a part of an animal you see moving though. 'chests' or 'sides' would be more accurate.
Of all the creatures on the ceiling(,) the frog seemed least deserving of the artist's skills in carving.
--Delete 'in carving'?
it was obvious he already had made himself vulnerable to her.
--Swap 'had' and 'already' for better flow?
Rhuether had ordained the other's severed head to be affixed to the end of a stake
--delete the first 'to'.
He raised his eyebrows in somehow a comic way
--Can you be more specific than 'somehow'? It feels out of place, given the detail you go into in the rest of the chapter.
We had originally planned for the ceremony (to occur/take place?) after the battle(,) since your Council of Twelve had foolishly planned an all-out assault on us here."
You'll have the marriage ceremony before the battle.
--Should this be a question?
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2016
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My goodness, Alex. I'm glad I waited to give this the due that was warranted. You made a lot of suggestions I implemented immediately. A few I'll mull over. What an eye you have, though. Thank you for being so complete.
Rhuether would provide, in all their gruesome details, the examples of how Mojo?s deadly justice dealt with every violator, [You were absolutely right with your suggested additions to this sentence. Done.]
"... pour the water through a smile" reads much better, thanks.
able to move in the real world, like wings and breath. [Changed "breath" to "breathing". I wanted the feeling of movement while being detached. Definitely not "breath" though, thanks.
For EVERYTHING thanks.
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You're welcome. Glad it was useful.
Comment from JTStone
I'm a little confused by Glnot's laughter as to the battle in the last few paragraphs, but finding clarity is the best reason to come back and find out why I was confused; now isn't it?
You have such a smooth way with words and turning them into imagery. The ceiling over Doctrex' head for example, it becomes clearer and more ornate with each passing visit. Adding to an already vivid snapshot of the room in my mind.
The vase, the flowers, the pitcher, the fruit bowl all bring color into the stark simile that the room is and add light to the thought or conversation in a very interesting way. It's like they are all subtly focal, but not pivotal to the interactions of the conversation or thought. I find your writing style quite fascinating.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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I'm a little confused by Glnot's laughter as to the battle in the last few paragraphs, but finding clarity is the best reason to come back and find out why I was confused; now isn't it?
You have such a smooth way with words and turning them into imagery. The ceiling over Doctrex' head for example, it becomes clearer and more ornate with each passing visit. Adding to an already vivid snapshot of the room in my mind.
The vase, the flowers, the pitcher, the fruit bowl all bring color into the stark simile that the room is and add light to the thought or conversation in a very interesting way. It's like they are all subtly focal, but not pivotal to the interactions of the conversation or thought. I find your writing style quite fascinating.
Jimmy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Jimmy (finally, I have a real name), I am thrilled by your response to my chapter. It is good to hear specifically how my chapter resonates with the reader. I keep coming back to the ceiling for a reason. It does play a part later. But if you knew, I'd have to send your computer a death virus. Please keep coming back.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent story that I'm continuing to enjoy. It is fast paced enough to hold my interest and opens up many questions in my mind. I didn't see a thing for you to change. You did a great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Excellent story that I'm continuing to enjoy. It is fast paced enough to hold my interest and opens up many questions in my mind. I didn't see a thing for you to change. You did a great job. Shirley
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Shirley, thank you again for your loyal follow. I appreciate you and it's good to know when my writing works.
Comment from ProSongwriter
Hi Jay ...
This is finely-tuned, exceptional piece of writing. Well worthy of a six!
As I glanced at the page before reading, I was thinking to myself ... "Damn, Jay rarely leaves the reader with a mass of info dump. What's he doing?" And then, when I began to read, I realized how terribly I wrong my initial assessment was. There's hardly a word of info dump/narrative drone here.
Every word fit right into him regaling in his own thoughts. Very crafty how you did that. And bringing in Glnot was a good move. It took the reader outside the immediate action, but yet kept it at close at hand and relevant.
As always, your images are a writer's and reader's delight ... vivid, colorful and leave an impact.
Conspiracies are often wrought with the proclivity of failure, mostly due to biased assumptions based on persona vendetta.
Nice ending with that self-serving laugh! excellent, Jay!
Best to you and have a great California Sunday!
Alan
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Hi Jay ...
This is finely-tuned, exceptional piece of writing. Well worthy of a six!
As I glanced at the page before reading, I was thinking to myself ... "Damn, Jay rarely leaves the reader with a mass of info dump. What's he doing?" And then, when I began to read, I realized how terribly I wrong my initial assessment was. There's hardly a word of info dump/narrative drone here.
Every word fit right into him regaling in his own thoughts. Very crafty how you did that. And bringing in Glnot was a good move. It took the reader outside the immediate action, but yet kept it at close at hand and relevant.
As always, your images are a writer's and reader's delight ... vivid, colorful and leave an impact.
Conspiracies are often wrought with the proclivity of failure, mostly due to biased assumptions based on persona vendetta.
Nice ending with that self-serving laugh! excellent, Jay!
Best to you and have a great California Sunday!
Alan
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Alan, you make me blush. But I likes it! When you wrote,"Conspiracies are often wrought with the proclivity of failure, mostly due to biased assumptions based on personal vendetta" I thought, "That's strange--I don't remember that line, but I'm glad I wrote it. It's magical. Positively Nietzschean. Then I had to face the disappointment. My good friend Alan dashed it off between songs, chemo, and his novel.
Thanks, my friend, for being here for me.
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Jay ... It's a pleasure to be reading you and your great art. You have an uncanny way with words that I admire and wish I possessed.
As far as being here for support ... that goes both ways, my friend. You have been a pillar of support for me. What little I can offer in return is done with a smile.
Yep .. tidying up another chapter to post soon, work on a freshly written song in a couple of hours and then off to chemo tomorrow morning. You got the pattern down!
But ya know, Jay ... I've been gifted with a few talents and given the opportunity to utilize them in the public forum. That's a treasure I hold near and dear and never take for granted. As far as the cancer, well, it's just another bump ion the road that puts a little wear & tear on the body. I have nothing to complain about. Life has been good.
Have a great week, my friend!
Alan