THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Sparks Kindled: Fire or Ash"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
31 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Before you object to my giving a six with a list of suggestions: I really enjoyed your descriptions of the way people acted, their tone of voice and manner of speaking, and the locations. Also enjoyed the way you wove it in and out of the dialogue and travel so it all flowed smoothly. You've brought the whole scene to life. Good ending, too, with Axtilla touching him under the table. (He'll be in for a shock if it turns out not to be her though.) So all of that is my reason for the six: the suggestions are minor niggles in comparison.
Suggestions:
Having slept myself out, I stretched, yawned...
--Most of this sentence covers a long period of time, but "when a knock" refers to a specific moment, so the two parts jar against each other. A possible fix would be to start a new sentence after "seep into my mind" and add details of a specific memory, which then gets interrupted. eg: "I was remembering XXX when a knock..."
It seemed I'd slept no more than ten minutes.
--To me, this contradicts the opening, where you say he 'slept myself out', because that gives the impression of a longer sleep, plus he had time to lie and think afterwards.
The door opened as I pulled one sock onto my foot, then wriggled my foot into the shoe.
--No comma here, as the seconds parts not independent ('then *I* wriggled my foot...' would require the comma).
I left him standing there by the bed
--Do you need 'there'? It does fit Doctrex's voice, but could be trimmed for tightness.
his arms behind his back, (and?)his feet spread about shoulder width apart.
--It feels like it would flow better with the 'and' for some reason.
He had a composed, almost amused(,) look on his face
--'almost amused' is the additional details, so needs to be enclosed in commas.
He walked ahead of me, with a relaxed, easy gait, (and) opened the door, (before) standing aside so I could pass through.
--take out the bit in commas and "He walked ahead of me...opened the door, standing aside so I could pass through." doesn't flow that well without the suggested additions. (One of the tests for seeing if the commas are right is to snip the bit between them and see it what's left makes sense.)
The carpet, a lavish gold and red brocade(,) cushioned our tread.
I counted our paces, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen(,) until he turned down a corridor to the left.
--Or maybe put the counting between em dashes?
the sound of it, (a) great deal of activity abounded,
some blended voices and clanking of something metallic.
--This part of the sentence feels disjointed from the rest for some reason. Maybe a good place for a semi-colon to separate it from the rest?
"What's down that hall,(?)" I asked.
He stopped,(;) made a half-pivot to his left before an oversized double door.
--Just a personal preference. I like to use a ; when I ditch an expected 'and'.
her eyes(,) which she made stern by tightening the tiny muscles around them,
I'd be walking through its(their?) chill
--Not sure on this, but he's describing her eyes, which are plural. The 'its' made me double check, as I thought I'd missed mention of her stare or gaze. Or maybe change 'its' to 'her stare' or similar?
My gaze and inward smile slipped down past the flare of her nostrils
--I'm not sure about the 'inward smile' part of this. I understand it slipping upon seeing her expression, but it reads like it's slipping down past her nostrils, which I'm assuming isn't what you'd intended.
between the rise and fall of her breasts.
--The 'rise and fall' part makes me think of the motion of her breathing, rather than the pendent's positioning. Maybe 'the valley of her breasts'? Or just 'the rise'?
I had an instant memory flash from the moment I first saw the beautiful Axtilla
--Can you shorten this at all? It seems a long description for something instant.
with her eyes at least twice their size now
--'current size' rather than 'size now'?
The fingers of her right hand plucked at her eating utensils, clinking them together and dropping them to her linen napkin.
--Good little detail to show her nerves. All the descriptions been good, but this is one of those small gestures which tells so much, that you're very good at.
"I think 'Axtilla' will be fine, do you agree, darling?"
--Make the question a separate sentence?
She cleared her throat as though to speak, but continued to lift and drop the utensils onto the napkin.
--No comma as the second part's not an independent clause?
Rhuether raised one corner of his mouth and moustache
--Being extra picky: technically the moustache's movement is a result of the lip moving, rather than a concious choice, which is how it reads.
"It seems he has more work to do on it
--should you name the 'he' as it's been a few scenes since the tailor was last mentioned? Also, I'm surprised Doctrex dropped the tailor in it like this, when he knows how Glnot is with his staff.
mid-aged
--Haven't seen this used before. Is it the US version of middle-aged, or am I just behind in modern usage?
and me, forward(,) and then he left.
--Delete the second 'and' to avoid the repeat?
plates at (on?) the end nearest to the door through
The glass's curvature distorted his features.
--Could you squeeze a wee humorous quip mocking his appearance here?
"You get them all."
--Should this be a question?
a little in front of, and just above(,) his head,
screwing (screw) up one eye, and peering (peer) at the wine...
--Otherwise it could be read that Doctrex is the one screwing his eye, rather than continuing to observe Glnot.
I tried it. "It is pretty," I ventured.
--Tried looking at it like Glnot, or tried tasting it? I
assumed tasted at first, but the 'pretty' comment made me doubt that's what you'd meant.
as the pressure travelled nearly to my knee(,) before it began its agonizingly slow descent.
--The 'it' makes it independent and in need of the comma, I think.
I hoped he didn't realize from my breathlessness, I enjoyed the fullness of its discovery a little more than he intended.
--I'd replace the comma with 'that' for better flow.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Before you object to my giving a six with a list of suggestions: I really enjoyed your descriptions of the way people acted, their tone of voice and manner of speaking, and the locations. Also enjoyed the way you wove it in and out of the dialogue and travel so it all flowed smoothly. You've brought the whole scene to life. Good ending, too, with Axtilla touching him under the table. (He'll be in for a shock if it turns out not to be her though.) So all of that is my reason for the six: the suggestions are minor niggles in comparison.
Suggestions:
Having slept myself out, I stretched, yawned...
--Most of this sentence covers a long period of time, but "when a knock" refers to a specific moment, so the two parts jar against each other. A possible fix would be to start a new sentence after "seep into my mind" and add details of a specific memory, which then gets interrupted. eg: "I was remembering XXX when a knock..."
It seemed I'd slept no more than ten minutes.
--To me, this contradicts the opening, where you say he 'slept myself out', because that gives the impression of a longer sleep, plus he had time to lie and think afterwards.
The door opened as I pulled one sock onto my foot, then wriggled my foot into the shoe.
--No comma here, as the seconds parts not independent ('then *I* wriggled my foot...' would require the comma).
I left him standing there by the bed
--Do you need 'there'? It does fit Doctrex's voice, but could be trimmed for tightness.
his arms behind his back, (and?)his feet spread about shoulder width apart.
--It feels like it would flow better with the 'and' for some reason.
He had a composed, almost amused(,) look on his face
--'almost amused' is the additional details, so needs to be enclosed in commas.
He walked ahead of me, with a relaxed, easy gait, (and) opened the door, (before) standing aside so I could pass through.
--take out the bit in commas and "He walked ahead of me...opened the door, standing aside so I could pass through." doesn't flow that well without the suggested additions. (One of the tests for seeing if the commas are right is to snip the bit between them and see it what's left makes sense.)
The carpet, a lavish gold and red brocade(,) cushioned our tread.
I counted our paces, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen(,) until he turned down a corridor to the left.
--Or maybe put the counting between em dashes?
the sound of it, (a) great deal of activity abounded,
some blended voices and clanking of something metallic.
--This part of the sentence feels disjointed from the rest for some reason. Maybe a good place for a semi-colon to separate it from the rest?
"What's down that hall,(?)" I asked.
He stopped,(;) made a half-pivot to his left before an oversized double door.
--Just a personal preference. I like to use a ; when I ditch an expected 'and'.
her eyes(,) which she made stern by tightening the tiny muscles around them,
I'd be walking through its(their?) chill
--Not sure on this, but he's describing her eyes, which are plural. The 'its' made me double check, as I thought I'd missed mention of her stare or gaze. Or maybe change 'its' to 'her stare' or similar?
My gaze and inward smile slipped down past the flare of her nostrils
--I'm not sure about the 'inward smile' part of this. I understand it slipping upon seeing her expression, but it reads like it's slipping down past her nostrils, which I'm assuming isn't what you'd intended.
between the rise and fall of her breasts.
--The 'rise and fall' part makes me think of the motion of her breathing, rather than the pendent's positioning. Maybe 'the valley of her breasts'? Or just 'the rise'?
I had an instant memory flash from the moment I first saw the beautiful Axtilla
--Can you shorten this at all? It seems a long description for something instant.
with her eyes at least twice their size now
--'current size' rather than 'size now'?
The fingers of her right hand plucked at her eating utensils, clinking them together and dropping them to her linen napkin.
--Good little detail to show her nerves. All the descriptions been good, but this is one of those small gestures which tells so much, that you're very good at.
"I think 'Axtilla' will be fine, do you agree, darling?"
--Make the question a separate sentence?
She cleared her throat as though to speak, but continued to lift and drop the utensils onto the napkin.
--No comma as the second part's not an independent clause?
Rhuether raised one corner of his mouth and moustache
--Being extra picky: technically the moustache's movement is a result of the lip moving, rather than a concious choice, which is how it reads.
"It seems he has more work to do on it
--should you name the 'he' as it's been a few scenes since the tailor was last mentioned? Also, I'm surprised Doctrex dropped the tailor in it like this, when he knows how Glnot is with his staff.
mid-aged
--Haven't seen this used before. Is it the US version of middle-aged, or am I just behind in modern usage?
and me, forward(,) and then he left.
--Delete the second 'and' to avoid the repeat?
plates at (on?) the end nearest to the door through
The glass's curvature distorted his features.
--Could you squeeze a wee humorous quip mocking his appearance here?
"You get them all."
--Should this be a question?
a little in front of, and just above(,) his head,
screwing (screw) up one eye, and peering (peer) at the wine...
--Otherwise it could be read that Doctrex is the one screwing his eye, rather than continuing to observe Glnot.
I tried it. "It is pretty," I ventured.
--Tried looking at it like Glnot, or tried tasting it? I
assumed tasted at first, but the 'pretty' comment made me doubt that's what you'd meant.
as the pressure travelled nearly to my knee(,) before it began its agonizingly slow descent.
--The 'it' makes it independent and in need of the comma, I think.
I hoped he didn't realize from my breathlessness, I enjoyed the fullness of its discovery a little more than he intended.
--I'd replace the comma with 'that' for better flow.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Alex, you are such a miracleworker. I've gone through and made most every change you suggested, especially the ones that impacted the sense of the sentence in question. I realize now, Ive been going ahead with these posts in order to do one Trining and one Down and out each week. And it's just too much. Quality is lacking.
I thank you for bringing all that to my attention. I'm adding your name to my thumbs up list. You'll get one when the new supply arrives.
-
Does that mean longer waits between my Doctrex fixes? :(
I understand though--been feeling a bit like with the Jared edits myself.
-
No, I know a good thing when I see it. As long as you're there with suggestions that are longer than the post, I'm a fool not to have you coauthor it with me. LOL, you are good at it, though. It has to take you a looooong time.
-
I don't suggest that much, (Err, most of the time, lol). And if you snipped out all the long-winded explanations it'd be much shorter. Takes an hour maybe--I don't really notice the time passing once I get into it, except sometimes when I get to the end and suddenly realise I'm late having lunch.
Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you have good day!
-
Thanks for the well-wishes. You as well.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent chapter, full of tension which kept me reading and wanting more at the end. You are very descriptive and can see Axtilla's anxiety by her constant dropping of her silverware. Great job. Have a blessed day. Shirley
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
 |
Excellent chapter, full of tension which kept me reading and wanting more at the end. You are very descriptive and can see Axtilla's anxiety by her constant dropping of her silverware. Great job. Have a blessed day. Shirley
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Shirley. I'm glad you got a kick out of this. That means a lot to me.
Comment from robyn corum
Well, I'll tell the truth, with your devious mind I was afraid that Axtilla would have succumbed to the doctor's wonderful bed-side personality. Even if she had been drugged or something. Glad to know all hope is not lost on that front! *smile*
Good chapter!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
|
Well, I'll tell the truth, with your devious mind I was afraid that Axtilla would have succumbed to the doctor's wonderful bed-side personality. Even if she had been drugged or something. Glad to know all hope is not lost on that front! *smile*
Good chapter!
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Thanks, Robyn. No, all hope is not lost. I'm so happy you're enjoying this. It's not easy to jump into the middle of a looooong trilogy and find some value in what you read.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another comprehensive and interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of writing. I am thinking about going back to novels next year myself, but I will still write a few scripts.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
|
This is yet another comprehensive and interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of writing. I am thinking about going back to novels next year myself, but I will still write a few scripts.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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I'd like to take a crack at some of your novel material, Tomes. With dialogue being so important for the good novel, you are a at an advantage.
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I think my script writing will help all right.
Comment from LIJ Red
Got a real weakness for footsy. A girl I dated-well, never mind. The tension builds, so you'll need a rousing climactic scene(though not necessarily for the whole book)
before dessert. Excellent writing as ever.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
|
Got a real weakness for footsy. A girl I dated-well, never mind. The tension builds, so you'll need a rousing climactic scene(though not necessarily for the whole book)
before dessert. Excellent writing as ever.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Thank you, Red. Oh there's a lot more happening between the wine and dessert. Glad you enjoyed this.
Comment from c_lucas
The future queen still has feelings for Doctrex. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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The future queen still has feelings for Doctrex. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.There is good imagery.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Yes, Axtilla and Doctrex, BFF. Thanks for reading this. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from chasennov
The Wait Is Over. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Sparks Kindled: Fire or Ash.' Man, this is a very good chapter you have created here in the story The Trining, Jay. It reads as smooth as water. Very well done.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
|
The Wait Is Over. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Sparks Kindled: Fire or Ash.' Man, this is a very good chapter you have created here in the story The Trining, Jay. It reads as smooth as water. Very well done.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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THanks, Chas. Glad it resonated with you.
-
You are always welcome.
Comment from royowen
It seems to be the first connection to the lady Axtilla since the Kyrean sea, and even without set Scene in front of my eyes the imagery you've described is filled with the stiffness and discomfort of the Docrtex and Axtilla. Polite conversation and protocol ( which Doctrex is not aware of) is the order of the day for the moment. Some great projected tension and restraint is well done, as looking through Doctrex's eyes, good. Episode, Jay, skilful writing, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
|
It seems to be the first connection to the lady Axtilla since the Kyrean sea, and even without set Scene in front of my eyes the imagery you've described is filled with the stiffness and discomfort of the Docrtex and Axtilla. Polite conversation and protocol ( which Doctrex is not aware of) is the order of the day for the moment. Some great projected tension and restraint is well done, as looking through Doctrex's eyes, good. Episode, Jay, skilful writing, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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I love it when you dig into the real meat of a post, Roy. It means so much to me that you're not just reading for the ranking. You're a good man. I don't know whether you have Thanksgiving there, but if not, have a blessed Thursday.
-
No, we don't have Pilgrim fathers, but you enjoy it, but we should all have thanksgiving Jay
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay
_ Well, just a bit of tension, I'd say.
_ This should be one heck of a dinner before it's all over.
_ Doctrex and Axtilla once again, hmmmm.
_ And Glnot being the butthead he is will instigate something.
- Good stuff. (*>*)
* Happy Thanksgiving & Merry Christmas *
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jacqueline-Jackie-Jax (*:*)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
|
Hi, Jay
_ Well, just a bit of tension, I'd say.
_ This should be one heck of a dinner before it's all over.
_ Doctrex and Axtilla once again, hmmmm.
_ And Glnot being the butthead he is will instigate something.
- Good stuff. (*>*)
* Happy Thanksgiving & Merry Christmas *
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jacqueline-Jackie-Jax (*:*)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
-
I learn a lot about sexual tension from Jax's characters. Thanks for reading and I'm happy you enjoyed it.
Comment from Curly Girly
This was a very well written and well described chapter, Jay. You write with such attention to detail and create a vivid picture that enables the reader to understand everyone's reactions and feels at that point in time.
Nicole
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
|
This was a very well written and well described chapter, Jay. You write with such attention to detail and create a vivid picture that enables the reader to understand everyone's reactions and feels at that point in time.
Nicole
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Thanks, Nicole, for the six and for the humbling comment. I choose to write that way, but it makes for LOOOOOOONG novels. I appreciate you.