THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Sunset of Doctrex, Dawn of Pondria?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from redrocklover
This storyline keeps getting better and better. Your pacing is excellent, as are your tension building skills. When I was reading, I felt like I was in the room with Pondria/Doctrex and his brother - holding my breath to see where the story was going to go. Great job.
Linda
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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This storyline keeps getting better and better. Your pacing is excellent, as are your tension building skills. When I was reading, I felt like I was in the room with Pondria/Doctrex and his brother - holding my breath to see where the story was going to go. Great job.
Linda
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Linda, bless you for your generous and kind words. It's got to be complicated getting in toward the end of the third novel of a Trilogy. If it helps, I'll paste here what I wrote for another reader: "When the twins were conjoined (IT IS A PART OF MYTH) each was given separate magic by the seer, that if used in cooperation, would cause their magic to rival he gods. Rhuether liked Pondria's magic because it was "physical" while his own was mental (causing bad dreams for others, bringing on pains, etc.); He killed Pondria by stabbing him with a knife, then used the knife to separate them. Then he used Pondria's powers to fly to the Far North Province, where he later deposed the ruler and became ruler himself. Any time Rhuether used Pondria's power he suffered physically from it, nearly dying a few times. Doctrex/Pondria is using this against Rhuether, and will use it more later. Hope this clears up a little of a very complicated plot.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Such a fascinating chapter, Jay.
The all powerful Ginot suddenly seems quite humble.
So Doctrex is Pondria? There's a twist. And he feels his days as Doctrex is coming to an end.
I know(,)brother.
but was I(,) Doctrex playing the
Or was I(,) Pondria playing the
Yet(,) Axtilla knew the name,
I forced a smile, leaned toward him(,) and
Most impressive, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Such a fascinating chapter, Jay.
The all powerful Ginot suddenly seems quite humble.
So Doctrex is Pondria? There's a twist. And he feels his days as Doctrex is coming to an end.
I know(,)brother.
but was I(,) Doctrex playing the
Or was I(,) Pondria playing the
Yet(,) Axtilla knew the name,
I forced a smile, leaned toward him(,) and
Most impressive, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thank you hugely, Margaret. I so appreciate your 6 stars and still you were able to help me. I took care of all the comma-unistic errors. Good eye.
Comment from LIJ Red
Did he run "I know brother" together breathless, or is a comma called for? You passed the point of no return, the dog is running out of the forest. Excellent storytelling.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Did he run "I know brother" together breathless, or is a comma called for? You passed the point of no return, the dog is running out of the forest. Excellent storytelling.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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No, you are correct. There was no excuse for poor grammar, even for The Almighty Master Glnot Rhuether. I definitely remember telling him to pause there. Thanks for your kindness, Red.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay
_ Interesting turn you've taken with Doctex.
- I would have never guessed this scenario.
_ You have us guessing. (*<*)
<> Comma with direct address
<> You might want to change the second -know- to -realize- so you aren't using the same word so close together.
"I know(,)brother." I didn't know where my words were taking me;
<> Missing comma
_ but was I(,) Doctrex playing the role of Pondria?
_ Or was I(,) Pondria playing the role of Doctrex?
_ Yet(,) Axtilla knew the name,
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*<*)
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Hi, Jay
_ Interesting turn you've taken with Doctex.
- I would have never guessed this scenario.
_ You have us guessing. (*<*)
<> Comma with direct address
<> You might want to change the second -know- to -realize- so you aren't using the same word so close together.
"I know(,)brother." I didn't know where my words were taking me;
<> Missing comma
_ but was I(,) Doctrex playing the role of Pondria?
_ Or was I(,) Pondria playing the role of Doctrex?
_ Yet(,) Axtilla knew the name,
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*<*)
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thanks, Jax, especially for the suggestion. I changed the second "I didn't know" to "I had no idea..." I took care of the commas, too. Good eye!
Comment from Dashjianta
Intriguing ending, Jay. How is Doctrex/Pondria going to use this to bring about a positive end? Even if he and Glnot unite to find peace, will the armies do the same? There's a lot of bad blood between them. And how will Axtilla and the wedding fit in? Or is this still leading towards fulfilling the prophesy, because a reunion would mean Pondria has delivered the troops to Glnot, but maybe it turns out the prophesied change of authority is a positive one? I can't see how it's going to play out. (That's a good thing.)
Suggestions:
"Yes, but how could he ..(.)?"
His truncated question seemed to flutter with his fingers down onto his lap.
--I like the way you compare his speech and movements in this line.
With the mere mention of magic
--'with' or 'at'? If you flip the sentence around so the above is last, 'at' seems to fit better.
I didn't want him to regress again to his feelings of injustice and inequality.
--Do you need 'again' here?
"And you, Pondria ... have you for--forgiven me?"
--I'm wondering if a ? would work as well in place of the ... . You have a quite a few ellipses in this scene already, so maybe worth eliminating this one just to cut their number?
I forced a smile, leaned toward him(,) and spoke softly.
it all points to the fact that he hadn't given up on you or Pondria
--'hasn't' rather than 'hadn't'? Plus kill the 'that'?
And how about the giant birds, one of them carrying a Kabeezan soldier in its talons.
--should this end with a ? because of the 'how about'?
I said, quickly--waited, and then repeated it
--delete the comma as it's describing 'said'? And possibly delete 'it' at the end, and sub the dashes for commas, so you have "I said quickly, waited, and then repeated,". Hmm. I'm not sure.
I think this was the seer's way of preparing you to experience AND access to Pondria's physical magic, to prepare you
--Do you need to repeat 'to prepare you' the second time? I can argue for or against here (For: to drill it into Glnot's head. Against: for lower word count.)
In its own way, Ziltinaur, and each of the giant birds, and even Morz returned to attack your body.
--delete the first 'and'. I stumbled over it, but can't see why.
What better way could the seer show you how pride and rebellion could destroy you?
--'for' instead of the first 'could'? And possibly 'can' rather than the second 'could' to keep the danger in the present?
his shoulders heaved, then collapsed in a stutter of jerks, and heaved again.
--maybe delete 'then'?
the woman without whose shared love I would rather be swallowed by death.
--something in this sentence is making it feel not quite right, but I can't see what. Maybe turn it on its head, so it's something like "the woman whose shared love gave me the strength to live on."? So it makes her love a positive thing?
It would be only through Axtilla's
--Probably a personal thing, but I think "It would ONLY BE through Axtilla's..." flows better.
they would destroy Glnot Rhuether, and they would avert The Trining.
--what about 'thus' in place of the second 'they would' to avoid the repeat? (Kill the comma if you change it.) (They, not we, so he's still not fully accepting of being Pondria?)
He turned to me all at once,
--I'm not sure about 'all at once'. It seems a slow way of describing something fast. I've always felt the same when people use 'All of a sudden.' Just a personal thing really.
Even the refined correctness of his moustache sagged with the corners of his mouth.
--I like this extra detail.
He brought his palm [across the surface of] his face.
--Delete the bit in square brackets? Because the surface is the only part he can touch. You could always try "the length of" if you're wanting to show the extent of the movement.
He sucked in a deep, noisy breath, and then released it
--No comma before 'and' as both parts use the same 'he' as the subject. Do you need the 'then'?
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Intriguing ending, Jay. How is Doctrex/Pondria going to use this to bring about a positive end? Even if he and Glnot unite to find peace, will the armies do the same? There's a lot of bad blood between them. And how will Axtilla and the wedding fit in? Or is this still leading towards fulfilling the prophesy, because a reunion would mean Pondria has delivered the troops to Glnot, but maybe it turns out the prophesied change of authority is a positive one? I can't see how it's going to play out. (That's a good thing.)
Suggestions:
"Yes, but how could he ..(.)?"
His truncated question seemed to flutter with his fingers down onto his lap.
--I like the way you compare his speech and movements in this line.
With the mere mention of magic
--'with' or 'at'? If you flip the sentence around so the above is last, 'at' seems to fit better.
I didn't want him to regress again to his feelings of injustice and inequality.
--Do you need 'again' here?
"And you, Pondria ... have you for--forgiven me?"
--I'm wondering if a ? would work as well in place of the ... . You have a quite a few ellipses in this scene already, so maybe worth eliminating this one just to cut their number?
I forced a smile, leaned toward him(,) and spoke softly.
it all points to the fact that he hadn't given up on you or Pondria
--'hasn't' rather than 'hadn't'? Plus kill the 'that'?
And how about the giant birds, one of them carrying a Kabeezan soldier in its talons.
--should this end with a ? because of the 'how about'?
I said, quickly--waited, and then repeated it
--delete the comma as it's describing 'said'? And possibly delete 'it' at the end, and sub the dashes for commas, so you have "I said quickly, waited, and then repeated,". Hmm. I'm not sure.
I think this was the seer's way of preparing you to experience AND access to Pondria's physical magic, to prepare you
--Do you need to repeat 'to prepare you' the second time? I can argue for or against here (For: to drill it into Glnot's head. Against: for lower word count.)
In its own way, Ziltinaur, and each of the giant birds, and even Morz returned to attack your body.
--delete the first 'and'. I stumbled over it, but can't see why.
What better way could the seer show you how pride and rebellion could destroy you?
--'for' instead of the first 'could'? And possibly 'can' rather than the second 'could' to keep the danger in the present?
his shoulders heaved, then collapsed in a stutter of jerks, and heaved again.
--maybe delete 'then'?
the woman without whose shared love I would rather be swallowed by death.
--something in this sentence is making it feel not quite right, but I can't see what. Maybe turn it on its head, so it's something like "the woman whose shared love gave me the strength to live on."? So it makes her love a positive thing?
It would be only through Axtilla's
--Probably a personal thing, but I think "It would ONLY BE through Axtilla's..." flows better.
they would destroy Glnot Rhuether, and they would avert The Trining.
--what about 'thus' in place of the second 'they would' to avoid the repeat? (Kill the comma if you change it.) (They, not we, so he's still not fully accepting of being Pondria?)
He turned to me all at once,
--I'm not sure about 'all at once'. It seems a slow way of describing something fast. I've always felt the same when people use 'All of a sudden.' Just a personal thing really.
Even the refined correctness of his moustache sagged with the corners of his mouth.
--I like this extra detail.
He brought his palm [across the surface of] his face.
--Delete the bit in square brackets? Because the surface is the only part he can touch. You could always try "the length of" if you're wanting to show the extent of the movement.
He sucked in a deep, noisy breath, and then released it
--No comma before 'and' as both parts use the same 'he' as the subject. Do you need the 'then'?
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Some really good catches, Alex. I mean great! I especially liked your "I said quickly, waited, and then repeated,". That gave it the perfect feel.
"Yes, but how could he [On this one, since it is an incomplete sentence and only uses 3 dots, wouldn't the question mark replace the third dot. If it was a full sentence, ended with 4 dots, you wouldn't have the question mark make it a 5th, would you? I'm not 100 percent on this. I'll have to look it up.
Nearly everything else I concurred with and changed. Thanks so much, Alex! You're the best!
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[On this one, since it is an incomplete sentence and only uses 3 dots, wouldn't the question mark replace the third dot.]
In the UK no, it would always be ...? (No fourth dot here.)
However, in a full sentence, the ? would always replace the normal full stop (Like this, yes? Not like this.?), not be used with it, so you'd end up with ...? either way.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent chapter. Full of tension which kept me moving through the story. You did a very good job and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Shirley
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Excellent chapter. Full of tension which kept me moving through the story. You did a very good job and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Shirley
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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I'm so happy you enjoyed this, Shirley. Hope you continue on!
Comment from gamay
Hi Sir.
First Happy Halloween.
This very nice and interesting story.
Its always make good for the readers.
I really enjoyed it.
Well done.
gamay
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Hi Sir.
First Happy Halloween.
This very nice and interesting story.
Its always make good for the readers.
I really enjoyed it.
Well done.
gamay
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Hey, Gamay. Thanks for taking a chance on this. I'm happy to see you enjoyed it.
Comment from robyn corum
1.) And how about the giant birds, one of them carrying a Kabeezan soldier in its talons.
--> Is this what you meant to say?
I wish I'd read this from the beginning - because some of it leaves me so frustrated! hahahaha -- I get the WORDS, but not all of the CONTEXT.
Good chapter!
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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1.) And how about the giant birds, one of them carrying a Kabeezan soldier in its talons.
--> Is this what you meant to say?
I wish I'd read this from the beginning - because some of it leaves me so frustrated! hahahaha -- I get the WORDS, but not all of the CONTEXT.
Good chapter!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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I wish you'd read it from the beginning, too, Robyn, cause then I'd have about 200 more crits.
That sentence was pretty much what I intended. The question is ... what DID I say? LOL, are you going to make me go back and check. I can do it. I really can. Thanks so much for reading this, Robyn and for your wonderful compliment.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another interesting and comprehensive post that the author has created with this piece of work. I have to admit that this sort of story is not my usual fare, but you tell the story well.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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This is yet another interesting and comprehensive post that the author has created with this piece of work. I have to admit that this sort of story is not my usual fare, but you tell the story well.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Thanks, Tomes.
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My pleasure.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
Not having read what's come before, I'm interested in how the segment stands on it's own. Off the top, the angst in this segment reads like a minor scene in a story where the main story forces have not yet met.
I see that Doctrex is the central character, and his principle ally, with whom he shares a pact, is also his love interest.
While the characters around Doctrex are having dilemmas, Doctrex is having an uncertainty of identity, though he is not uncertain about his affection for Axtilla. His goal is to stop The Trining by destroying Glnot Rhuether, twin of Pondria, an identity inhabited by Doctrex.
The success of the pact between Doctrex and Axtilla is complicated in this segment by separation and resulting uncertainty. The main conflict in the segment is Doctrex' management of his own emotions.
Might be helpful if the motivation or goal of the protagonist was in some way restated at the start, providing more dramatic perspective from the top, at least for the uninitiated like me.
The writing is skilled and the author is adept at SHOWING us his story. Even with the absence of backstory, while reading this segment I experienced the vivid and constant dream induced by all good writing.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Not having read what's come before, I'm interested in how the segment stands on it's own. Off the top, the angst in this segment reads like a minor scene in a story where the main story forces have not yet met.
I see that Doctrex is the central character, and his principle ally, with whom he shares a pact, is also his love interest.
While the characters around Doctrex are having dilemmas, Doctrex is having an uncertainty of identity, though he is not uncertain about his affection for Axtilla. His goal is to stop The Trining by destroying Glnot Rhuether, twin of Pondria, an identity inhabited by Doctrex.
The success of the pact between Doctrex and Axtilla is complicated in this segment by separation and resulting uncertainty. The main conflict in the segment is Doctrex' management of his own emotions.
Might be helpful if the motivation or goal of the protagonist was in some way restated at the start, providing more dramatic perspective from the top, at least for the uninitiated like me.
The writing is skilled and the author is adept at SHOWING us his story. Even with the absence of backstory, while reading this segment I experienced the vivid and constant dream induced by all good writing.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Bob, for someone who's only read a couple of segments you've got a better handle on it than most. It's not an easy one to get into since it's the last book of a very long Trilogy. I will take your sterling advise and see if his goal can be restated in the beginning of the chapter without making it seem (to the ones who've been with it from the beginning) like I'm dumbing it down.
You are quite perceptive and intelligent, and I'd love to have you stick around. Thank you for taking so much time with my posts.
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You're welcome, Jay! Keep writing.