THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "No Love Like Brother Love"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
29 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
I'm disappointed, Jay. I was really into the verbal jousting between Glnot and Doctrex, and wondering why Glnot was coughing--because of the talk of his magic or something else?--and then...to be continued. It's too short. I got so caught up in it I didn't notice any SPAG (coming back for a second read now, to double check). Now I have to wait another week for more. Sorry to mess with you with my opening line, but it was the best compliment I could think of. This was a really good chapter, and the timing for a refresher on the prophecy and Glnot's magical attacks is perfect.
I'm starting to get the impression Glnot is like a grown-up bully, who wants the power, control and respect, but thinks he needs to be micro-managing everyone to keep them in line (like with his checking on the tailor). He also seems to see them more as toys to be played with and tricked than people, and the war is like a game to him. (Don't think I'm explaining too well, but hopefully that ties up with how he's meant to be.)
Suggestions:
(")And yes, I was bandaged the same way."
--The only one I noticed on the first read.
"This was the same doctor who--(?)"
--I'm assuming it's a question from the 'This was'.
Axtilla was convinced I was Pondria, who, she claimed had been murdered by his brother
--Because this sentence has a lot of commas in it, I would suggest taking out the one before 'she claimed'. Otherwise I think there should be a matching one after 'she claimed' as well (because 'she claimed' becomes like the added info if the first comma's there) , which would be too much.
I listened to her. I was already falling in love with her.
--Do you need the second 'with her', or can you delete to avoid the repeat?
prophesied that Pondria would rise from the sea
--delete 'that'?
"Why would Pondria align with the brother who killed him.(?)"
--...I knew it was not inside me to help destroy her people.
--All of which has me thinking 'not on purpose, no, but you did use your words to get your position and win over the men, so have you, in fact, fulfilled the prophesy while intending to do the opposite.', and that's down to the way you've had him think it through, so well-worked recap.
how long was my silence
--Is the meant as a question? If so, should it still have a ? even thought it's in the middle of a sentence?
but when I looked back at Rhuether, he seemed (lost?) in his own world
if indeed the wounds matched, unless
--Consider making 'unless' the start of a new sentence. It just buys that seconds pause for the thought to occur to him.
I figured I'd test that theory.
--Perhaps 'my' or 'the' instead of 'that'? Lets you eliminate one more of them.
Clearly, he was unimpressed.
--Could you show his unimpressedness? You've done such a good job with his expressions and body language in the rest of the chapter it makes this line stick out.
We had the same five days to recover?"
--Should this be a statement rather than a question?
"Then why didn't the good doctor give your body the same--(?)"
He sucked in air so loudly, I stopped in mid-sentence.
"Because I wouldn't
--Make one para because it's the same person speaking and acting?
I needed to pursue the earlier truncated inquiry.
"You know, I ..."
--Same here? Although it would make for a longish paragraph...
His eruption of laughter that resounded off all the walls, swallowed
--delete 'that' and make 'swallowed' 'swallowing' to make it more active?
He was bluffing.
--Maybe 'He's/He is', or drop the italics?
Rhuether's voice reached for a falsetto note with the last two descriptives, and were accompanied
--'and was' because the subject is his voice?
"How'd you do that--Brother?
--'it' rather than 'that'? (I'm in a that-squashing frame of mind.)
and those that came to him, were in craggy gasps.
--Delete the comma?
--Next chapter please.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
  |
I'm disappointed, Jay. I was really into the verbal jousting between Glnot and Doctrex, and wondering why Glnot was coughing--because of the talk of his magic or something else?--and then...to be continued. It's too short. I got so caught up in it I didn't notice any SPAG (coming back for a second read now, to double check). Now I have to wait another week for more. Sorry to mess with you with my opening line, but it was the best compliment I could think of. This was a really good chapter, and the timing for a refresher on the prophecy and Glnot's magical attacks is perfect.
I'm starting to get the impression Glnot is like a grown-up bully, who wants the power, control and respect, but thinks he needs to be micro-managing everyone to keep them in line (like with his checking on the tailor). He also seems to see them more as toys to be played with and tricked than people, and the war is like a game to him. (Don't think I'm explaining too well, but hopefully that ties up with how he's meant to be.)
Suggestions:
(")And yes, I was bandaged the same way."
--The only one I noticed on the first read.
"This was the same doctor who--(?)"
--I'm assuming it's a question from the 'This was'.
Axtilla was convinced I was Pondria, who, she claimed had been murdered by his brother
--Because this sentence has a lot of commas in it, I would suggest taking out the one before 'she claimed'. Otherwise I think there should be a matching one after 'she claimed' as well (because 'she claimed' becomes like the added info if the first comma's there) , which would be too much.
I listened to her. I was already falling in love with her.
--Do you need the second 'with her', or can you delete to avoid the repeat?
prophesied that Pondria would rise from the sea
--delete 'that'?
"Why would Pondria align with the brother who killed him.(?)"
--...I knew it was not inside me to help destroy her people.
--All of which has me thinking 'not on purpose, no, but you did use your words to get your position and win over the men, so have you, in fact, fulfilled the prophesy while intending to do the opposite.', and that's down to the way you've had him think it through, so well-worked recap.
how long was my silence
--Is the meant as a question? If so, should it still have a ? even thought it's in the middle of a sentence?
but when I looked back at Rhuether, he seemed (lost?) in his own world
if indeed the wounds matched, unless
--Consider making 'unless' the start of a new sentence. It just buys that seconds pause for the thought to occur to him.
I figured I'd test that theory.
--Perhaps 'my' or 'the' instead of 'that'? Lets you eliminate one more of them.
Clearly, he was unimpressed.
--Could you show his unimpressedness? You've done such a good job with his expressions and body language in the rest of the chapter it makes this line stick out.
We had the same five days to recover?"
--Should this be a statement rather than a question?
"Then why didn't the good doctor give your body the same--(?)"
He sucked in air so loudly, I stopped in mid-sentence.
"Because I wouldn't
--Make one para because it's the same person speaking and acting?
I needed to pursue the earlier truncated inquiry.
"You know, I ..."
--Same here? Although it would make for a longish paragraph...
His eruption of laughter that resounded off all the walls, swallowed
--delete 'that' and make 'swallowed' 'swallowing' to make it more active?
He was bluffing.
--Maybe 'He's/He is', or drop the italics?
Rhuether's voice reached for a falsetto note with the last two descriptives, and were accompanied
--'and was' because the subject is his voice?
"How'd you do that--Brother?
--'it' rather than 'that'? (I'm in a that-squashing frame of mind.)
and those that came to him, were in craggy gasps.
--Delete the comma?
--Next chapter please.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
-
Gold, Alex! All gold. See why I was amazed you asked for advise on commas? You astound me, you really do. I must say, though, (not telling you what to do, but) ... you shouldn't have given me a six on this. Really. You already give me so much. I made all but two of the suggested changes: "Clearly, he was unimpressed," was one I left for the time being. Ever since I got the emotions book you referred me to I've been showing the emotions far more. My problem is until I get used to seamlessly showing an emotion, they feel so stilted to me. Bob pointed out to me that I overused it in "I pulled down my brows" since it's a subjective response, not thought out. Also, in the instance you gave me, I wanted to convey the ironic mood in Doctrex's observation.
All in all, Alex, you have been so adept at finding things subject to change when so many others found no nits. And most of them passed me by. You are a valuable asset to me.
-
The 6 was deserved. It was for getting me so into it I didn't notice any SPAG on the first read and was disappointed when it ran out.
I didn't notice the "I pulled down my eyebrows" thing, but I know what you mean. I did the same thing myself when I got that book--I sometimes still hold back for fear of doing it. My tip on that would be to restrict yourself to external signs like facial expressions to the non POV characters, so the POV character is observing them (Unless it's something like a deliberate smile), the bodily physical reactions, like shakes and sweats can be either, and the internals, like feeling sick or panicked thoughts, are strictly POV. (Ask: Can he see himself doing it? And if answer is no, then ask: can he feel himself doing it? If yes, try to convey the feeling rather than the action, if no, leave it out.)
[ I wanted to convey the ironic mood in Doctrex's observation. ]
Ah. That makes sense. Maybe (and I'm probably overthinking this), a wee expansion on the irony would work, so rather than have Glnot speak right after, you have another Doctrex thought or have him say a bit dialogue, so it's clear the "Clearly, he was unimpressed," is Doctrex's observation. (to self: yes, and who else's observation would it be? Doh.) Yup: probably just me thinking too much on it.
Comment from justafan
Well now, this is a fine kettle of fish here! You do love to through curve balls...brothers!!! I like the twist, though. I have been wondering why he has kept Doctrex alive. Well done, Jay. Your talent never ceases to amaze!
Always,
Missy
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
|
Well now, this is a fine kettle of fish here! You do love to through curve balls...brothers!!! I like the twist, though. I have been wondering why he has kept Doctrex alive. Well done, Jay. Your talent never ceases to amaze!
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
-
Thanks, Missy. Yeah, he had his reasons for keeping Doctrex alive. Lots more curve balls though.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I like the way the speech is so informative, jogging the reader's memory.
Glnot doesn't seem at all well and I'm wondering if he's about to have a stroke or heart-attack. And he seems undecided what he's going to do with Doctrex.
(")And yes, I was bandaged the same way."
Rhuether's voice reached for a falsetto note with the last two descriptives, and were accompanied by a twisting movement of his thumb against his forefinger.
HERE - unless I'm reading it wrong ---- he's talking about his voice being accompanied by a twisting movement - so should it not be - and "was" accompanied????
Margaret
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
 |
I like the way the speech is so informative, jogging the reader's memory.
Glnot doesn't seem at all well and I'm wondering if he's about to have a stroke or heart-attack. And he seems undecided what he's going to do with Doctrex.
(")And yes, I was bandaged the same way."
Rhuether's voice reached for a falsetto note with the last two descriptives, and were accompanied by a twisting movement of his thumb against his forefinger.
HERE - unless I'm reading it wrong ---- he's talking about his voice being accompanied by a twisting movement - so should it not be - and "was" accompanied????
Margaret
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
-
Truly, Margaret, it should be "was" with voice being the subject. thanks for pointing it out. You didn't have to look far to find the first nit, did you? I took care of the missing quote mark. Thank you so much for your review.
Comment from chasennov
Chapter 25 of the book THE TRINING Book Three What's a Brother To Do? "No Love Like Brother Love" This is a very good chapter you have again created here in this ongoing saga of yours, Jay. A well structured story. Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
|
Chapter 25 of the book THE TRINING Book Three What's a Brother To Do? "No Love Like Brother Love" This is a very good chapter you have again created here in this ongoing saga of yours, Jay. A well structured story. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
-
Thank you, CHas. Glad you enjoy it.
-
You are most welcome, Jay.
Comment from robyn corum
1.) Though I was a blank slate, with no memory of who I was, or how
--> oh COME ON! We alllll know who you are - though this chapter is a bit confusing, I'll admit -- you're the new lifeguard at the hotel - you KNOOOOWW...with the winking boss...?
-->heehee
2.) You mentioned Morz' unfortunate accident, Glnot.
--> but -- poor Lesn couldn't find a rope fast enough to toss over a limb.
--> sounds like Lesn is the one with the accident - or else you haven't disclosed Molrz's' yet...?
3.) If I didn't know better, I'd think our evil ruler/man/person is about to have a heart attack.
I always enjoy your writing, Jay - there are always delightful surprises dropped along the journey! *smile*
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
|
1.) Though I was a blank slate, with no memory of who I was, or how
--> oh COME ON! We alllll know who you are - though this chapter is a bit confusing, I'll admit -- you're the new lifeguard at the hotel - you KNOOOOWW...with the winking boss...?
-->heehee
2.) You mentioned Morz' unfortunate accident, Glnot.
--> but -- poor Lesn couldn't find a rope fast enough to toss over a limb.
--> sounds like Lesn is the one with the accident - or else you haven't disclosed Molrz's' yet...?
3.) If I didn't know better, I'd think our evil ruler/man/person is about to have a heart attack.
I always enjoy your writing, Jay - there are always delightful surprises dropped along the journey! *smile*
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2015
-
Thank you, Robyn. YOu're the second person to think he was having a heart attack. If he did and it was fatal, it would bring around the conclusion, though not a very satisfying one. I'm always happy to see you aboard.
Comment from LIJ Red
Surprise. Doctrex being the casually mentioned amputated siamese twin who got
deep-sixed. Lot going on in this chapter...not heading into the homestretch?
Remember Sledge Hammer who blew up the world at season's end-then got picked
up for another season? Excellent yarnspinning as always.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2015
|
Surprise. Doctrex being the casually mentioned amputated siamese twin who got
deep-sixed. Lot going on in this chapter...not heading into the homestretch?
Remember Sledge Hammer who blew up the world at season's end-then got picked
up for another season? Excellent yarnspinning as always.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2015
-
Actually, this is heading toward the home stretch. In a brick and mortar book there would be about 5 chapters left. On FS you're looking at probably 15. Thanks for being loyal to it.
Comment from c_lucas
It seems as if everything is falling into place. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read. There is very good imagery.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2015
|
It seems as if everything is falling into place. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read. There is very good imagery.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2015
-
Well, in spite of the fact that Doctrex and I are playing by the seat of our pants, it's going well. I never know what's going to happen until it does. If I don't like it I make some tweaks.
-
You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay
_ I keep going back and forth thinking sometimes that Glnot actually likes and respects Doctrex.
_ Seems like it is taking him awhile to decide what he's actually going to do with 'my man, Doctrex.'
_ Not that I mind, you know, I just do NOT want to see ANYMORE harm come to him--if you get my drift. (*<*)
_ Great dialogue in this chapter.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2015
|
Hi, Jay
_ I keep going back and forth thinking sometimes that Glnot actually likes and respects Doctrex.
_ Seems like it is taking him awhile to decide what he's actually going to do with 'my man, Doctrex.'
_ Not that I mind, you know, I just do NOT want to see ANYMORE harm come to him--if you get my drift. (*<*)
_ Great dialogue in this chapter.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2015
-
THank you Jax, so much for the SIx Star RAting. Your Doctex has a tough row to how but he's always been a good hoer. He'll do all right.
-
(*>*) I'm counting on an unscathed Doxtrex OR I will have to come to Bakersfield and do a Glnot on you. Just sayin'....
Comment from Curly Girly
I never followed this story from the beginning, so I'm trying to swim...
It seems to me that this is a case of mistaken identity: My brother ... Pondria ...
The poor guy is trying to fit in and figure things out from what people say to him about Pondria.
Well written.
Nicole
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2015
|
I never followed this story from the beginning, so I'm trying to swim...
It seems to me that this is a case of mistaken identity: My brother ... Pondria ...
The poor guy is trying to fit in and figure things out from what people say to him about Pondria.
Well written.
Nicole
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2015
-
Well, Nicole, it is tough to get into the middle of a very convoluted story, penned from this very simple mind. It's not a case of mistaken identity. The next few chapters should help clarify that.
