THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "The Almighty Master Baits Doctrex"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
27 total reviews
Comment from JTStone
It's been a while since the last visit to this story. I'm happy it has returned, and right where I last saw it.
Excellent use of dialog and descriptive tags. This effectively moves the story along nicely. The mental and spoken word play between Doctrex and The Almighty give me a mental image of a mortal game of chess. Especially considering the stakes you have them playing for.
After reading so much about San Antonio lately, I had almost forgotten my favorite piece of yours...
JT
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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It's been a while since the last visit to this story. I'm happy it has returned, and right where I last saw it.
Excellent use of dialog and descriptive tags. This effectively moves the story along nicely. The mental and spoken word play between Doctrex and The Almighty give me a mental image of a mortal game of chess. Especially considering the stakes you have them playing for.
After reading so much about San Antonio lately, I had almost forgotten my favorite piece of yours...
JT
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Ahhhhh! It's good to have you back reading The Trining, JT. I try to mix the drama with the easy going, easy reading stuff. Hope to see you at both.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. You excel in dialogue in this chapter, my friend....just as you do in most of your writing.
"They apparently were allowed nothing more than Almighty Master since there was only one ... Almighty Master ... and that one was you."
And: "Doctrex?" I glanced up in time to see him pull his eyes away from the circles I made and turn his puzzled gaze on me. "I want you to know I have no reason to tell you anything about Zarbs."
Suggestions: "Living in fear, as they had to, yielded no quality to their lives." (leave out the word "to")
They apparently were allowed nothing more than Almighty Master since there was only one ... Almighty Master ... and that one was you." (and that was you)
Good job, Jay. Bob
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Hi, Jay. You excel in dialogue in this chapter, my friend....just as you do in most of your writing.
"They apparently were allowed nothing more than Almighty Master since there was only one ... Almighty Master ... and that one was you."
And: "Doctrex?" I glanced up in time to see him pull his eyes away from the circles I made and turn his puzzled gaze on me. "I want you to know I have no reason to tell you anything about Zarbs."
Suggestions: "Living in fear, as they had to, yielded no quality to their lives." (leave out the word "to")
They apparently were allowed nothing more than Almighty Master since there was only one ... Almighty Master ... and that one was you." (and that was you)
Good job, Jay. Bob
Comment Written 19-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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A compliment like that from you thrills me, Bob. I appreciate your suggestions. I changed the second one with no hesitation. The first one, though, had a little different meaning than you got from it. I meant "Living in fear, as they WERE FORCED TO," which is what I changed it to. Thank you so much, Bob. You are always so gracious and helpful.
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As are you, my friend. Bob :)
Comment from c_lucas
Obey your commander and be killed because you did. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Obey your commander and be killed because you did. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Charlie. Happy you enjoyed this. Out of the five reviews, no one mentioned the title. Hmmmm.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from robyn corum
good chapter. didn't notice any nits and I enjoyed the exchange between the two men. Liked the descriptions of the Almighty's teeth and lips. *smile*
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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good chapter. didn't notice any nits and I enjoyed the exchange between the two men. Liked the descriptions of the Almighty's teeth and lips. *smile*
Comment Written 19-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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You must be a teeth and lips girl. LOL, Why is no one mentioning the title? Thanks, Robyn, as usual for your kindness and generosity.
Comment from Dashjianta
Hey. Where's the rest? I was enjoying the verbal fencing and *snip* you cut me off.
Excellent chapter, Jay. I enjoyed the way you have Doctrex studying Glnot's face and expressions, and using that to drip feed the description of him rather than have it all in one chunk, and the way you have Doctrex trying to learn all he can whilst not giving away anything himself. That, plus Doctrex's wondering about the others behaviour and fear, does a good job of building the tension.
Nice detail with him not wanting to cross to the restroom, and feeling all the eyes watching him too.
Need more now...
Suggestions:
I prefer no titles, Glnot.(,) at any time.
--Or capital A on any.
Zarbs(') courier gave him your instructions
If one of my officers captured the Almighty Master, Glnot Rhuether(,) and turned him over to me
"My military decisions do not concern to you."
--Delete 'to', or change to 'are of no concern to you.'
"Because you don't matter.(")
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Hey. Where's the rest? I was enjoying the verbal fencing and *snip* you cut me off.
Excellent chapter, Jay. I enjoyed the way you have Doctrex studying Glnot's face and expressions, and using that to drip feed the description of him rather than have it all in one chunk, and the way you have Doctrex trying to learn all he can whilst not giving away anything himself. That, plus Doctrex's wondering about the others behaviour and fear, does a good job of building the tension.
Nice detail with him not wanting to cross to the restroom, and feeling all the eyes watching him too.
Need more now...
Suggestions:
I prefer no titles, Glnot.(,) at any time.
--Or capital A on any.
Zarbs(') courier gave him your instructions
If one of my officers captured the Almighty Master, Glnot Rhuether(,) and turned him over to me
"My military decisions do not concern to you."
--Delete 'to', or change to 'are of no concern to you.'
"Because you don't matter.(")
Comment Written 19-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Many huge thanks, Alex. I made all the changes for the superb catches you made. This wasn't going to be posted yet. I went in and made some edits and next thing I knew I was getting crits on it. Go figure! You didn't mention the title? Hmmmm.
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The title? We're supposed to read them? ;) Um...*goes and checks the message*...ah. I didn't notice. Just saw The Trining part and dived in.
Comment from barkingdog
Well that was a surprising answer!
Did Doctrex faint? I swear I saw him sway in his chair. How could he keep a straight face after hearing Zarbs had been destroyed?
Is it true? Or was Glnot trying to get a reaction out of Doctrex. (See--I don't even want to believe it.)
Glnot makes me very uncomfortable. You write him well.
-brought it around (,) so I could sit facing him.
-"Zarbs(') courier gave him your instructions to treat me well."
- I'd be celebrating (,)and he'd likely be promoted
- He was going to tell me something(,) or he wouldn't have brought it up.
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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Well that was a surprising answer!
Did Doctrex faint? I swear I saw him sway in his chair. How could he keep a straight face after hearing Zarbs had been destroyed?
Is it true? Or was Glnot trying to get a reaction out of Doctrex. (See--I don't even want to believe it.)
Glnot makes me very uncomfortable. You write him well.
-brought it around (,) so I could sit facing him.
-"Zarbs(') courier gave him your instructions to treat me well."
- I'd be celebrating (,)and he'd likely be promoted
- He was going to tell me something(,) or he wouldn't have brought it up.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Ellen, This wasn't supposed to post yet. I must have pushed the wrong button. You didn't mention the title? Neither did Dashjianta. Strange, lol.
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Okay-the title answers my question.
I'm kind of glad that I didn't read the answer before I read the story. Why did you give it away in the title?
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I do think when it posted for the first three readers all it had was the temporary title just used to lock the post into FanStory. Then I planned on going back and changing the title. I don't think the title I have now gives anything away. It's just a play on the words Master + Baits. Sometimes the adolescent comes comes out in me.
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Okay. I'm totally dense.(I saw you nodding)
What is the play on the words Master+Baits. I don't get it.
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masturbate. Like I said, I was being invaded by my adolescence.
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Now ... how many people have gotten that? lol
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None so far. I used to have a good time telling a person about my fishing experiences. I'd watch them preying on every word as I told them when I was a young man I was paid to work on a fishing boat to bait the hooks of people who were too squeamish to do it themselves. They're still staring at me, imagining me on that boat, and I tell them I had to work up to it. The Captain started me out as an apprentice baiter, but when I got better I became a master baiter.
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I'm beginning to see the mind where Doctrex's visions on the ceiling came from.
Never-Never Land is real isn't it. lol
Comment from Shirley McLain
Nice chapter, it felt like there was an underlying current to the conversations. It held my interest to the end. I didn't locate any problems. Great job.
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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Nice chapter, it felt like there was an underlying current to the conversations. It held my interest to the end. I didn't locate any problems. Great job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Shirley. Glad you enjoyed it. I tried to make it tense through the conversation. Glad it came across.