Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

Very nice piece. Great word choices and feeling. Very emotive. Nice terse phrases and sentences with a good poem incorporated well.

Two lovers hands - lover's

Crickets chirp, owls hoot in the background - I would maybe delete 'in the background'

GMG

 Comment Written 23-May-2015

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reply by the author on 24-May-2015

GMG... Thank so much for a great review. I always appreciate it. John

Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Hi, John. Wow! Talk about your whirlwind romances. LOL..They danced and theyfell in love and will now get married. That's how it happens alright, John...only just a tad slower, methinks. Good romantic stuff here. Blessings. Bob

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Bob, thank you, my friend. Always appreciated.. John

Comment from MelB

Excellent

Very nice and ending with a romantic proposal. I like the short sentences. Made it read fast and add to the tension between these two lovers. Great descriptive lines, which had the love oozing between the two.

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Melissa, thank you do much for this great review., I do appreciate it. John

reply by MelB on 24-May-2015

You're welcome John!

Comment from kriver

Excellent

Hi,
I didn't have any idea what a Haibun was.
So I Google it to find out.
I think you did fine based on what I read.
In the haiku you need to change the word
(then) to the word (than)
I think both the prose and the Haiku work together to enhance each other but could also stand alone. They interlock building and supporting each other in a positive way.
Over all I believe that this write fulfills all the requirements of the Haibun poetry style.

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 24-May-2015

K... Thank you for all of that. I certainly appreciate it. John

Comment from boxergirl

Excellent

Hey John...don't know much about the Haibun but I do know it has a prose/poem component. Your haibun has that so I say kudos to you. I like the title and the romantic tone of it as well.

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thank you so much BG. I always appreciate your stopping by.

John

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

It is an attempt you succeeded at. I like the short sentences. They were quick and darting like the dance your characters performed. And a perfect ending too.

note:


She wears a tight, red, open back dress.
- I think you mean her dress is red and black. It sounds strange like this.

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thank you for reading and corrections,

Appreciated. John

Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

Excellent work here. I was intrigued by the title and you did not disappoint with the story. It is so very romantic. I didn't expect that last sentence, but it certainly capped off the story nicely.

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Debi, thank you so much. I always appreciate your stopping by, Kohn

Comment from Mary H-W

Excellent

Beautiful. You're a master at short sentences for effect.

I want to point out one typo, as I hate for it to take away from the overall loveliness.
In the line:
I love you more then you know
'then' should read THAN

A spectacular writing. Well done.

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thank you, Mary. I appreciate your time. John

Comment from justafan

Excellent

I probably shouldn't give this review since I no not what a hilbun is..But, I love how it flowed and it took me on a lil trip. I am in and ready for another spin :)
I just loved it!

Always justafan,
Missy

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thank you, missy.

I appreciate that you stopped to read. John