THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "UNDER THE BED, BEHIND THE EYES (Pt1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Great chapter! Lots of action, some mysterious mental manipulation - all sorts of things going on. Really enjoying this story. :) Can't wait for the next!
And...the list:
"the moaning, and whimpering" (No comma)
"Beyond them the moaning continued, but" (Move the comma to after "them")
"At breakfast, it was the topic of heated conversation: not just a little teasing; in at least one case, full blown anger that ended in a brief scuffle." ("At breakfast, it was the topic of heated conversation, not just a little teasing. In at least one case, full blown anger ended in a brief scuffle.")
"Before I could dress myself" (Comma after "myself")
"one in front of him and both" (Comma after "him")
"I called him over and we walked" (Comma after "over")
"They're possessed by something and I" (Comma after "something")
"I point my arrow in his direction, but don't" (No comma)
"toward an approaching soldier, motioning to me." (No comma)
"were standing, but appeared" (No comma)
"about this and if I heard" (Comma after "this")
"And, I was off to look" (No comma. Also, this would sound better as, "And then I was off to look")
"for the second reckless soldier the young man mentioned who was shooting arrows into the void." (You could sum this up by saying, "for the second reckless archer the young man mentioned.")
"Men, I shouted. Those in the front lines, stay." (Is he telling the men he shouted? I think you missed some quotation marks. LOL Try, "Men!" I shouted. "Those in the front lines, stay.")
"were cleverly, and magically designed" (Either remove the comma or add another one after "magically")
"As soon as this incident was over I would" (Comma after "over")
"Even before we got to the northern front I strained" (Comma after "front")
"leaving the bows and the ground" (Comma after "bows")
"But, here I was surprised" (No comma)
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Great chapter! Lots of action, some mysterious mental manipulation - all sorts of things going on. Really enjoying this story. :) Can't wait for the next!
And...the list:
"the moaning, and whimpering" (No comma)
"Beyond them the moaning continued, but" (Move the comma to after "them")
"At breakfast, it was the topic of heated conversation: not just a little teasing; in at least one case, full blown anger that ended in a brief scuffle." ("At breakfast, it was the topic of heated conversation, not just a little teasing. In at least one case, full blown anger ended in a brief scuffle.")
"Before I could dress myself" (Comma after "myself")
"one in front of him and both" (Comma after "him")
"I called him over and we walked" (Comma after "over")
"They're possessed by something and I" (Comma after "something")
"I point my arrow in his direction, but don't" (No comma)
"toward an approaching soldier, motioning to me." (No comma)
"were standing, but appeared" (No comma)
"about this and if I heard" (Comma after "this")
"And, I was off to look" (No comma. Also, this would sound better as, "And then I was off to look")
"for the second reckless soldier the young man mentioned who was shooting arrows into the void." (You could sum this up by saying, "for the second reckless archer the young man mentioned.")
"Men, I shouted. Those in the front lines, stay." (Is he telling the men he shouted? I think you missed some quotation marks. LOL Try, "Men!" I shouted. "Those in the front lines, stay.")
"were cleverly, and magically designed" (Either remove the comma or add another one after "magically")
"As soon as this incident was over I would" (Comma after "over")
"Even before we got to the northern front I strained" (Comma after "front")
"leaving the bows and the ground" (Comma after "bows")
"But, here I was surprised" (No comma)
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Jaela, if you only knew the headache that one line gave me that you so effortlessly re-wrote and I am going to plagiarize, word-for-word. And, the harder I work with the commas (a line by line search with this chapter), the longer your list seems to get. Hurry with that posting on "commas", LOL.
By the way, The suggested verbiage and the quotation mark insertion have been taken care of.
Have I told you what an asset you are to me? Thanks.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hello!
What? What did he see?! You left us dangling--but I expect no less. Great hook.
Good, fast paced chapter.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Hello!
What? What did he see?! You left us dangling--but I expect no less. Great hook.
Good, fast paced chapter.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Jax. Now, I think I'll have to wait until Friday to build up the bucks to post the next chapter. Glad to have you on board for this one.
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That's where I am, reviewing to garner those special bucks!
You were NOT kind to me. You did not award me a pump. Bad boy! (*.*)
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A long read for only a buck! Once after a particularly dry spell, I received 2 consecutive double pumps with banner and the Leprechaun thingies. Someone's keeping score.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Time is up, the march and the move, hunger fill, mind in melt, should be sleeping with clothes on, warmer that way, short comings, Sgt emptied his pistol into the closet, mighty unhappy boggy man.. keep the movement going.. Walt
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Time is up, the march and the move, hunger fill, mind in melt, should be sleeping with clothes on, warmer that way, short comings, Sgt emptied his pistol into the closet, mighty unhappy boggy man.. keep the movement going.. Walt
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Walt! Mind in melt, indeed! I appreciate your input, friend.
Comment from James Dooney
Interesting work here, and it looks like it involves dealing with places and things where the eyes cant always see what is happening. I liked it !
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Interesting work here, and it looks like it involves dealing with places and things where the eyes cant always see what is happening. I liked it !
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Thanks, James. Glad to have you reading this. Hope you come back.