Jealous of Robert Faraday
Short Story30 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow! Kind of drastic way to end the affair, killing herself out of guilt. Adding sin to sin.. not a good idea for a churchgoer who believes in Heaven and Hell. Luke will have fun with her! LOL! Good story, though, even if one of your characters isn't wrapped too tight. THere ARE people like that.:)
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Wow! Kind of drastic way to end the affair, killing herself out of guilt. Adding sin to sin.. not a good idea for a churchgoer who believes in Heaven and Hell. Luke will have fun with her! LOL! Good story, though, even if one of your characters isn't wrapped too tight. THere ARE people like that.:)
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from gypsycaravan
Very kind and clever of the lady to cover your butt and name you Robert Faraday. Ha Entered too many prompts? Is there a limit? Your story is well-written as are all your offerings, tension building throughout. I expected the husband to be upstairs. Good job.
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Very kind and clever of the lady to cover your butt and name you Robert Faraday. Ha Entered too many prompts? Is there a limit? Your story is well-written as are all your offerings, tension building throughout. I expected the husband to be upstairs. Good job.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from adewpearl
Intriguing opening lines
You convey the narrator's innermost feelings well as he explains their rendezvous and how they made him feel
Their cycle of desire, passion, guilt - you portray that so well as it leads up to her ultimate act of guilt, the suicide
I love how she covers for her friend and lover even in death and finally, his reaction to her cover story. This one is a definite keeper, Mikey :-) Brooke
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Intriguing opening lines
You convey the narrator's innermost feelings well as he explains their rendezvous and how they made him feel
Their cycle of desire, passion, guilt - you portray that so well as it leads up to her ultimate act of guilt, the suicide
I love how she covers for her friend and lover even in death and finally, his reaction to her cover story. This one is a definite keeper, Mikey :-) Brooke
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from Sankey
Ha! Good one mate. Very eerie and mysterious and full of intrigue for sure. No spags what a surprise from you haha.
Good work looking forward to more on the Bard. Have added a couple of new chapter setups to expand on my Biography.
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Ha! Good one mate. Very eerie and mysterious and full of intrigue for sure. No spags what a surprise from you haha.
Good work looking forward to more on the Bard. Have added a couple of new chapter setups to expand on my Biography.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from Nosha17
Well written story about a passionate love affair that was not meant to be. You have captured the passion of the affair well in your choice of words and the story read really well. Well drawn characters and sad ending which came as a surprise. Enjoyable read. Faye
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Well written story about a passionate love affair that was not meant to be. You have captured the passion of the affair well in your choice of words and the story read really well. Well drawn characters and sad ending which came as a surprise. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from faragon
Very well written. The story flowed freely and was easy to read. I do like the little twist at the end with the introduction of the "ficticious" Robert Faraday. Nicely done!
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Very well written. The story flowed freely and was easy to read. I do like the little twist at the end with the introduction of the "ficticious" Robert Faraday. Nicely done!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
Very realistic telling of a steamy affair. This is what it is like for real people that fall for each other. It happens and not everyone in an affair is a dog. Yes, it is wrong, but some forces are irresistable. A lot different than fools that think thete's nothing wrong with it, no big deal. Great writing here. NG
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Very realistic telling of a steamy affair. This is what it is like for real people that fall for each other. It happens and not everyone in an affair is a dog. Yes, it is wrong, but some forces are irresistable. A lot different than fools that think thete's nothing wrong with it, no big deal. Great writing here. NG
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from seaglass
This is a really good short story. The description of the tension that accompanies forbidden and guilty love makes it all very real.
I chuckled when you referred to the characters being active in the Nazarene church. In fact. I know couple in that very religion , the male a Sunday school superintendent, and the woman the church secretary, who had a steaming affair for about 3 months.
They were discovered in bed by the mans wife, then hell broke loose. They had to go before the church and confess their sin. Very very messy. Maybe knowing that was going to be her lot made this woman end it all. good writing.
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This is a really good short story. The description of the tension that accompanies forbidden and guilty love makes it all very real.
I chuckled when you referred to the characters being active in the Nazarene church. In fact. I know couple in that very religion , the male a Sunday school superintendent, and the woman the church secretary, who had a steaming affair for about 3 months.
They were discovered in bed by the mans wife, then hell broke loose. They had to go before the church and confess their sin. Very very messy. Maybe knowing that was going to be her lot made this woman end it all. good writing.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from tbacha58
Hi MIke, what an interesting story, so romantic, so entertaining, and so enigmatic, I was wandering, if it was really you, what about your beautiful lady. Then I found out it was an essay. I felt better, and I read it was for a contest, I even felt much more better. Love Terry xoxo
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Hi MIke, what an interesting story, so romantic, so entertaining, and so enigmatic, I was wandering, if it was really you, what about your beautiful lady. Then I found out it was an essay. I felt better, and I read it was for a contest, I even felt much more better. Love Terry xoxo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
Comment from nor84
But every chance we got, I would be softly knocking on that door, my heart pounding in my chest>>>suggestion. Take out 'in my chest' as unnecessary. Everyone's heart is in his chest.
perhaps, to discuss church business. >>>comma not needed after 'perhaps'. Separates it from the verb, to discuss.
The sound of the door clicking shut signaled the attack. Passion that neither of us understood unleashed towards each other. >>> There's something about the second of these two sentences that made me stumble, so I suggest:
The sound of the door clicking shut signaled the attack and unleashed passion that neither of us understood. 'Towards each other' not needed. The reader gets it. May not even need 'the attack'.
Her husband was a friend of mine and a good man and father to their three girls.>>>I recommend replacing the first 'and' with a comma.
er. There was a note, with a pen sitting on top of it, sitting on the vanity, by the far wall.>>>Tighten. 'Sitting' is in there twice. Prepositional phrases are not the writer's friend, Mikey.
Finally, Officer Franco asked me, "do (Do)you know
Get rid of 'that' wherever you can. Usually, losing it won't change the meaning.
Good, tight little drama.
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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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But every chance we got, I would be softly knocking on that door, my heart pounding in my chest>>>suggestion. Take out 'in my chest' as unnecessary. Everyone's heart is in his chest.
perhaps, to discuss church business. >>>comma not needed after 'perhaps'. Separates it from the verb, to discuss.
The sound of the door clicking shut signaled the attack. Passion that neither of us understood unleashed towards each other. >>> There's something about the second of these two sentences that made me stumble, so I suggest:
The sound of the door clicking shut signaled the attack and unleashed passion that neither of us understood. 'Towards each other' not needed. The reader gets it. May not even need 'the attack'.
Her husband was a friend of mine and a good man and father to their three girls.>>>I recommend replacing the first 'and' with a comma.
er. There was a note, with a pen sitting on top of it, sitting on the vanity, by the far wall.>>>Tighten. 'Sitting' is in there twice. Prepositional phrases are not the writer's friend, Mikey.
Finally, Officer Franco asked me, "do (Do)you know
Get rid of 'that' wherever you can. Usually, losing it won't change the meaning.
Good, tight little drama.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Thank you. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I made quite a few little changes in addition to the ones you suggested. I realized that it didn't matter if there was a pen there or not. "There was a note on the vanity by the wall." Hahaha. I would see that in someone else's piece I think!! Actually, who cares if it's by the wall or for that matter that it's on the vanity. "There was a note." Well, It has to ramble a little.... mikey
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I'm on the lookout for prepositional phrases right now, so that's what I pounced on. Jumped right off the page. Good luck in the contest. The writer of the particular book on writing I listened to also says: "English is based on subject, plus verb, plus object." So "There was a note" fits that, except that any form of the verb 'to be' can also become a problem.
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Well, it has the dreaded "w" word in it too!
