Shepherd
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "My Shepherd"poems inspired by Psalm 23
28 total reviews
Comment from Karen B.
A wonderful retelling of the gospel story. Each word well chosen to achieve smooth flow and maximum effect. The rhyming is excellent.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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A wonderful retelling of the gospel story. Each word well chosen to achieve smooth flow and maximum effect. The rhyming is excellent.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Karen B. I appreciate the very kind review and generous stars.
Comment from dmt1967
I like the flow of this poem it is great and has a great tempo my favorite line is the last one 'my Shepard calls and I will go' thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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I like the flow of this poem it is great and has a great tempo my favorite line is the last one 'my Shepard calls and I will go' thank you for sharing
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the encouraging review. I am so happy you like it.
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hello w.j.debi,
What a beautiful poem and a very heart warming sentiment. How wonderful to think that even if we may stumble and fall behind, our loving Shepherd will come back for us. This is an excellent form. Hard to believe it is your first. A pleasurable read, w.j.debi. My best to you. ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Hello w.j.debi,
What a beautiful poem and a very heart warming sentiment. How wonderful to think that even if we may stumble and fall behind, our loving Shepherd will come back for us. This is an excellent form. Hard to believe it is your first. A pleasurable read, w.j.debi. My best to you. ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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I appreciate you sharing your insights, Chrisfiore. It is good to know we are loved and that the Shepherd will look for us if we lose our way. Thank you for the kind comments. Debi
Comment from Pegcook
Trying new forms is one of things I like about FanStory. Your first rispetto (something I knew nothing about) is a stirring success! When I read it out loud, the meter and rhyme works. It reads smoothly. The short sentences "To find" "To save.", let the reader know when to pause so the listener does not have to race to keep up with the train of thought.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Trying new forms is one of things I like about FanStory. Your first rispetto (something I knew nothing about) is a stirring success! When I read it out loud, the meter and rhyme works. It reads smoothly. The short sentences "To find" "To save.", let the reader know when to pause so the listener does not have to race to keep up with the train of thought.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Pegcook. I appreciate the encouraging comments and the detailed review, especially on my first attempt at this form.
Comment from Rondeno
The meaning is clear, but ... "Where to find?" isn't quite right, is it? And "I will go" doesn't quite work, either. good effort, though.
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reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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The meaning is clear, but ... "Where to find?" isn't quite right, is it? And "I will go" doesn't quite work, either. good effort, though.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Rondeno. What doesn't work? Is it the meter, or the partial sentences? How can I get the feeling of lost and confused across better? Suggestions are welcome.
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How about ...
My shepherd called, "Come, follow me."
I wandered off and fell behind.
With no one near to hear my plea,
I stumbled, lame and blind.
He did not blame or punish, nor
Abandon me to wallow.
My Shepherd?s love I cherish, for
Where He may lead, I?ll follow.
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Thank you for the suggestions, Rondeno. I like what your wrote, but now this is your poem
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You are welcome to use it if you want.
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Thank you. I'll consider it. I just need to understand the structure better. I'll play with it some more. The word "wallow" bothers me since being kind of country girl, that is what the pigs do and that is the only way I have used the word--the pigs wallow in the mud.
Back to the drawing board. Thank you!
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Yes, That is a rispetto. Isn't it fun? I
really like your subject matter, great
words for a Sunday. I suggest though that you watch your rhyme sounds repeating. I don't know if it is a bad thing but something I avoid. In this poem me, plea, be, me. Just a thought.
Good job for the first wj!xxx Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Yes, That is a rispetto. Isn't it fun? I
really like your subject matter, great
words for a Sunday. I suggest though that you watch your rhyme sounds repeating. I don't know if it is a bad thing but something I avoid. In this poem me, plea, be, me. Just a thought.
Good job for the first wj!xxx Nancy
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Nancy. This means so much coming from you since you write so many terrific poems in the rispetto form. I thought about including this in the author notes:
To see some great examples of the rispetto, check out Honeycomb's page.
Would that be okay with you?
Thank you for the advice about repeating rhymes. I will watch that in the future. I appreciate the encouragement. Debi
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Consider this as a suggested last line summation.
WHEN shepherd calls, NEXT TIME I'LL go.
As for the rest of the piece the versing and 8 beats/line do justice. Pic has sheep but no shepherd.
Regards:
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Consider this as a suggested last line summation.
WHEN shepherd calls, NEXT TIME I'LL go.
As for the rest of the piece the versing and 8 beats/line do justice. Pic has sheep but no shepherd.
Regards:
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Stephen. I appreciate the review and the suggestions. I toyed with whether the picture should show the shepherd or have him just out of view when he calls.
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w.j.debi: The 'devil's' in the details. Just posted Canto 5. Thanks.
With Respect: Steve C
Comment from Onixxiya
I am envious, i never seem to get iambic pentameter right, iambic anything really. This is jaunty in rhythm with a meaningful message. The ninety nine? I am not as familiar with bible stories as i once was, if it could be explained in authors notes, that would be appreciated.
Really liked this.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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I am envious, i never seem to get iambic pentameter right, iambic anything really. This is jaunty in rhythm with a meaningful message. The ninety nine? I am not as familiar with bible stories as i once was, if it could be explained in authors notes, that would be appreciated.
Really liked this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Onixxiya. I appreciate the encouragement. Good idea to add details about the parable of the shepherd and his 100 sheep. He leaves the 99 that are safe and goes to look for the one that has gone astray.
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Ah, thanks so much for clearing that up for me. You are more than welcome. :)