Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "An Awkward Situation"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
41 total reviews
Comment from bluemlein
Beth - what is the purpose of this story? what is its focal point? Does the unexpectedly intrusive Christmas kiss from a drunked coworker really have more impact upon you than the torments of worry in the first couple of months of Carol's life? If that is so I would save the birth and what follows for the next chapter.
While this story undoubtedly has much meaning to you, I find in it an uncomfortable flatness of presentation, too much unnecessary detail that drags the narrative down, and neither surprising highs nor moody lows. Just one example: "It was an awkward situation to put it mildly." Lack of punctuation does not help. This is, in fact, a very common problem with writers at all levels; in ignoring grammar and punctuation they are selling their readers short. You need rhythm, and breaks in that rhythm, and the occasional >bang!!< hellzapoppin', blow-yer-brains-out surprise.
Lose some of the unnecessary descriptions of the workplace. Focus more on people's reactions and interactions. Remember that sentence structure and pacing are two great tools you can use to manipulate the reader (which is what you want to do: you want the reader to be drawn into that other world and to experience it with you.)
And work on establishing your own voice. You want the reader to recognize your work from the outset. I don't hear your voice yet - but I have a feeling that I will, soon enough.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Beth - what is the purpose of this story? what is its focal point? Does the unexpectedly intrusive Christmas kiss from a drunked coworker really have more impact upon you than the torments of worry in the first couple of months of Carol's life? If that is so I would save the birth and what follows for the next chapter.
While this story undoubtedly has much meaning to you, I find in it an uncomfortable flatness of presentation, too much unnecessary detail that drags the narrative down, and neither surprising highs nor moody lows. Just one example: "It was an awkward situation to put it mildly." Lack of punctuation does not help. This is, in fact, a very common problem with writers at all levels; in ignoring grammar and punctuation they are selling their readers short. You need rhythm, and breaks in that rhythm, and the occasional >bang!!< hellzapoppin', blow-yer-brains-out surprise.
Lose some of the unnecessary descriptions of the workplace. Focus more on people's reactions and interactions. Remember that sentence structure and pacing are two great tools you can use to manipulate the reader (which is what you want to do: you want the reader to be drawn into that other world and to experience it with you.)
And work on establishing your own voice. You want the reader to recognize your work from the outset. I don't hear your voice yet - but I have a feeling that I will, soon enough.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the review and your comments and attempts at helpful suggestions. I sorry you had such an unpleasant experience reading this. Luckily it won't count toward my rating. I'm not trying to be creative in this essay. It is an account of events as they happened.
Beth
Comment from humpwhistle
Beth, I must have missed an installment. Under the weather as it were. I'll go back, and catch up--though it seems like a sad errand. I'm sorry.
As I read this, I can't help but wish the 'now' Beth would chp in her two-cents once in a while. You are telling a chronological story. But I'm wondering what's going on inside your head as you tell it. I want to watch the movie as it unfolds, but I want to hear a little hide-sight narration from the writer, too. Does that make sense?
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Beth, I must have missed an installment. Under the weather as it were. I'll go back, and catch up--though it seems like a sad errand. I'm sorry.
As I read this, I can't help but wish the 'now' Beth would chp in her two-cents once in a while. You are telling a chronological story. But I'm wondering what's going on inside your head as you tell it. I want to watch the movie as it unfolds, but I want to hear a little hide-sight narration from the writer, too. Does that make sense?
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you Lee, Your advice is great and it always makes sense. I've gotten caught up in writing a chronology of events that I plan to put in some form for my children and I'm forgetting to be creative. I do appreciate the review. The story you missed is Into Every Life Some Rain Must Fall and it is still active.
Beth
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
Beth, it's a great blessing that you're so straight forward in your autobiography. These honest chapters help in several wasy. First, this facing "awkward situations" encourages the rest of us to remain chaste; second, your candid accounts is a type of counseling for adolescents and young-married. Third, telling it like it is prepares all of us for society and especially for the job world.
You're not sugar-coating the employment world. Thanks.
Your marriage to Evan seems a model marriage.
Don
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Beth, it's a great blessing that you're so straight forward in your autobiography. These honest chapters help in several wasy. First, this facing "awkward situations" encourages the rest of us to remain chaste; second, your candid accounts is a type of counseling for adolescents and young-married. Third, telling it like it is prepares all of us for society and especially for the job world.
You're not sugar-coating the employment world. Thanks.
Your marriage to Evan seems a model marriage.
Don
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and for your nice comments. I'm so glad you think this might be helpful. I'm writing it the way I remember it.
Beth
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
Yes, back in that era it was very difficult for women. They didn't have to do anything for a guy to become aggressive. This is a very good chapter. God loves you and i do too.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Yes, back in that era it was very difficult for women. They didn't have to do anything for a guy to become aggressive. This is a very good chapter. God loves you and i do too.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you Evelyn. Probably every female who lived through that time period knows what we gals had to put up with.
I appreciate your reading and commenting on this.
Beth
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, Beth. I totally understand what you are saying in this chapter. Only thing back then, I wasn't married. I refused to socialize with married men. This is very well written. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure we grew up and worked in the same time frame.
April :o)
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Hi, Beth. I totally understand what you are saying in this chapter. Only thing back then, I wasn't married. I refused to socialize with married men. This is very well written. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure we grew up and worked in the same time frame.
April :o)
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you April, I really appreciate that six star rating. I imagine every girl who grew up during this time period can relate. Some just knew had to handle the advances better than I did.
Beth
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is a very interesting story. The author creates vivid imagery for the reader in this piece of writing. The language used here has a ring of realism and authenticity about it.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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This is a very interesting story. The author creates vivid imagery for the reader in this piece of writing. The language used here has a ring of realism and authenticity about it.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and nice comments.
Beth
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My pleasure.
Comment from adewpearl
You depict well the lovely side of joining the work force, like making friends who would give you a baby shower, and also the down sides, like having to put up with the advances of a drunken coworker. You also depict well how home life and work life can impact each other. Brooke
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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You depict well the lovely side of joining the work force, like making friends who would give you a baby shower, and also the down sides, like having to put up with the advances of a drunken coworker. You also depict well how home life and work life can impact each other. Brooke
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you Brooke. Sometimes when you take a job you have no idea what situation you may face. There are both pros and cons to working outside the home.
Beth
Comment from Samuel Dickens
It seems that Floyd might have been a good person, but weak, and let the alcohol take him over. It happens a lot, you know. The part I find really objectionable and a bit befuddling is how he continued the advances when sober. I'm glad your husband was cool about it.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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It seems that Floyd might have been a good person, but weak, and let the alcohol take him over. It happens a lot, you know. The part I find really objectionable and a bit befuddling is how he continued the advances when sober. I'm glad your husband was cool about it.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you so much for the review Samuel. I found that hard to believe too. I guess he really thought he had feelings for me but when he wasn't drinking, he should have at least used better judgement.
Beth
Comment from Sankey
Only saw one thing I wondered about "the benefit of (the?) doubt" by Susan's husband over Floyd's attentions?
Great chapter you have got me in well and truly. Thanks again.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Only saw one thing I wondered about "the benefit of (the?) doubt" by Susan's husband over Floyd's attentions?
Great chapter you have got me in well and truly. Thanks again.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you so much for the six star review. I really appreciate you continuing to read my story. Thanks also for catching the spag.
Beth
Comment from joelh605
Well told; in 'fiction' terms this piece is full of "tell" vs. "show" - but because you lived this from the inside, reconstructing enough dialog and other detail would have been a) nearly impossible, and b) far too troubling.
A pity that you fell for the "no inoculations" bit; science has shown that to be a total hoax perpetrated by a man with no real medical credentials; I pray that you get your daughter, if she's still young enough, fully immunized.
Blessings,
-Joel
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Well told; in 'fiction' terms this piece is full of "tell" vs. "show" - but because you lived this from the inside, reconstructing enough dialog and other detail would have been a) nearly impossible, and b) far too troubling.
A pity that you fell for the "no inoculations" bit; science has shown that to be a total hoax perpetrated by a man with no real medical credentials; I pray that you get your daughter, if she's still young enough, fully immunized.
Blessings,
-Joel
Comment Written 07-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the review Joel, I do so much appreciate your comments. Aparently you've not read the one just before this one and I hope you do. It is still active." It is entitled "Into Every Life Some Rain Must Fall." I think you'll realize why no innoculations. I lost my first child due to the DPT innoculation. The drug company admitted their fault and paid off. Two of my other friends also lost their babies due to the DPT innoculation.
Beth
