Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "A Cast of Characters"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
34 total reviews
Comment from lakeport
A cast of characters, indeed I knew someone almost got killed somking in bed and falling asleep.I enjoyed reading the story.God bless you. Hugs!Lakeport.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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A cast of characters, indeed I knew someone almost got killed somking in bed and falling asleep.I enjoyed reading the story.God bless you. Hugs!Lakeport.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and comments. I've also know people who died by falling asleep smoking. We were very concerned after that happened. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Beth
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your welcome,Hugs!Lakeport.
Comment from janalma
Enjoyed reading this. You had quite a household there. Can't think of anything scarier than a house on fire. Good it wasn't really. You wrote this well and I noticed no spag. It is consistent in timeline and doesn't spiral off into vagaries. The tone shows the sensibleness of the main characters and the sometimes taxing inclinations of the other members of the house. Well done.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Enjoyed reading this. You had quite a household there. Can't think of anything scarier than a house on fire. Good it wasn't really. You wrote this well and I noticed no spag. It is consistent in timeline and doesn't spiral off into vagaries. The tone shows the sensibleness of the main characters and the sometimes taxing inclinations of the other members of the house. Well done.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and the nice comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Beth
Comment from screamingcandle
First review. I was torn between 3 and 4.
While I liked the characters, the phrasing seemed odd. There are a lot of "had"'s, especially in the first part, that could have been written in a more active voice. ex: "In our second year of marriage, we moved from the apartment and said goodby to the leering landlord and the walkup bathroom"
You are doing a lot of telling here and not much showing. It's a style thing, but it reads more like a letter than a story to me.
Please watch that you do not repeat the same word or sentence structure too much. For instance, in the paragraph about Ms. Jack, you said She in just about every sentence. Yes, she's the point of the paragraph, but the repetition reduces this woman to bullet points.
I think you can afford to go longer here if the intent is not just to inform but to entertain. You have a half dozen characters, a move in and a fire all in this short piece. That's a lot. It might be worth the exercise to take a smaller bit of this and flesh out the scene with more showing and less telling. These really are characters and it might be nice to get to know them a little better.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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First review. I was torn between 3 and 4.
While I liked the characters, the phrasing seemed odd. There are a lot of "had"'s, especially in the first part, that could have been written in a more active voice. ex: "In our second year of marriage, we moved from the apartment and said goodby to the leering landlord and the walkup bathroom"
You are doing a lot of telling here and not much showing. It's a style thing, but it reads more like a letter than a story to me.
Please watch that you do not repeat the same word or sentence structure too much. For instance, in the paragraph about Ms. Jack, you said She in just about every sentence. Yes, she's the point of the paragraph, but the repetition reduces this woman to bullet points.
I think you can afford to go longer here if the intent is not just to inform but to entertain. You have a half dozen characters, a move in and a fire all in this short piece. That's a lot. It might be worth the exercise to take a smaller bit of this and flesh out the scene with more showing and less telling. These really are characters and it might be nice to get to know them a little better.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you for reviewing this. You're the only one who actually criticized it, so I found your remarks interesting some of them worthwhile. Since this is an essay and more like a diary type account, I wouldn't think the show don't tell wouldn't apply here.
Actually this is only a part of a much longer account. Posting it in smaller segments seems to work better. I will rethink some of the "has" words and the "she's"
I wanted to read something you'd written but I only saw a small paragraph under your profile. I thought this sentence from you page contained a bit of strange phrasing too.
"I've been on fanstory before but it's be a while."
Beth
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You know, I went back and forth about putting a coma in there, but in the end I left it out. That probably would have smoothed out the sentence. :) Everyone has something to learn and you never get done, eh?
I just rejoined last night and I don't want to post anything that still seems half baked. I'll post some in a week or so, I'm sure. I understand what you mean about essay/diary vs. story. If I can make a further suggestion though, consider how Garrison Kellor does his "Tales from Lake Wobegon". He burns through a lot of exposition by telling but dives deeper into a scene that illustrates the point of the day. So if you wanted to illustrate that the people were interesting and nice, you can focus on the old woman, but if you wanted to focus on how they were borderline dysfunctional, you can focus on the fire.
Again, just a thought. Well met and have a good day.
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I did take some of your suggestions a did a bid of revising. I love reading and listening to Garrison Kellor's Lake Wobegon tales.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am enjoying reading about your early marriage. I think we have all gone through similar experiences. Great job.
The light in he hall gave of an eerie reddish glare. (THE???)
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2013
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I am enjoying reading about your early marriage. I think we have all gone through similar experiences. Great job.
The light in he hall gave of an eerie reddish glare. (THE???)
Comment Written 20-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Barbara. I appreciate the review and comments. Thanks for catching the typo.
Beth
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
Your narrative of apartments, enduring "characters" less than desirable, and seeking some place still better is entertaining.
I think your experience in sharing an apartment building indicates a struggle on earth.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2013
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Your narrative of apartments, enduring "characters" less than desirable, and seeking some place still better is entertaining.
I think your experience in sharing an apartment building indicates a struggle on earth.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the review. It is always good to hear from you. I really appreciate the stars and the comments.
Beth
Comment from humpwhistle
Well, Beth, sounds as though this was quite an interesting
place to live. In the 80's I lived in a similiar apartment
carved out of a rambling Victorian right next to Brown University in Providence.
I wonder if this might be more intriguing to the reader of you started with waking up to the smell of smoke ...
Then went on to describe the place and the characters, then finished with the rest of the fire story. Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
maybe this is a regional thing, but we call the game Solitaire.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2013
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Well, Beth, sounds as though this was quite an interesting
place to live. In the 80's I lived in a similiar apartment
carved out of a rambling Victorian right next to Brown University in Providence.
I wonder if this might be more intriguing to the reader of you started with waking up to the smell of smoke ...
Then went on to describe the place and the characters, then finished with the rest of the fire story. Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
maybe this is a regional thing, but we call the game Solitaire.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2013
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Thank you, Lee. You are right. A sentence or two about the fire at the beginning might grab more attention and cause people to read something they wouldn't otherwise. You are also right about Solitaire being misspelled. I always appreciate your helpful reviews. Congratulation on your win for the month.
Beth
Comment from Spitfire
Another delightful chapter in your married life. Those victorian homes are amazing. So many room! You do get a sense of family when you live with the same boarders for even a year. I love the humorous telling of the widow consoled by JW's all through the night. That's real devotion! LOL
A LOL comment about the smoke incident:assume death by burning wasn't one of his choices for a suicide attempt.
How nice that you spent time witn the salad lady. Listening is an act of love.
Can't wait to read the next apartment.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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Another delightful chapter in your married life. Those victorian homes are amazing. So many room! You do get a sense of family when you live with the same boarders for even a year. I love the humorous telling of the widow consoled by JW's all through the night. That's real devotion! LOL
A LOL comment about the smoke incident:assume death by burning wasn't one of his choices for a suicide attempt.
How nice that you spent time witn the salad lady. Listening is an act of love.
Can't wait to read the next apartment.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for hanging in there and reading my memories from the past. I'm so glad you found the humor I attemped to add. I wasn't sure I had enough to call it a humorous piece. Those are memories we drag up often and laugh about.
Beth
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Beth, your story tells an interesting yet scary experience with the fire... :) Did you immediately move from the apartment, I wonder? Btw you made me smile as I read this: Often, they didn't leave till morning. That must have been very consoling. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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Hi, Beth, your story tells an interesting yet scary experience with the fire... :) Did you immediately move from the apartment, I wonder? Btw you made me smile as I read this: Often, they didn't leave till morning. That must have been very consoling. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for reading and commentiing on this. Yes the fire was scary. We started looking for something else but we didn't move right away. I'll tell more about that later. I hope you keep reading.
Beth
Comment from Robin1976
This is really good. The best thing you can say about a piece is that it was interesting and kept your attention. This work did both. You gave descriptions that were detailed enough to provide a mental picture without bogging down your story. You then introduced a fascinating group of characters and situations for them to deal with.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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This is really good. The best thing you can say about a piece is that it was interesting and kept your attention. This work did both. You gave descriptions that were detailed enough to provide a mental picture without bogging down your story. You then introduced a fascinating group of characters and situations for them to deal with.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the six star review and the wonderful comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed this story.
I am humbled by your praise.
Beth
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The sis stars were nothing this work didn't deserve. I would've given it a seven if that was an option.
Comment from adewpearl
typo - our new appartment - apartment
good detail of setting
and good character descriptions
I love your satiric tone in describing the "consolers" LOL
One of my childhood neighbors, a lady dear to my heart for several reasons, actually died in a fire caused when she had a few drinks too many and fell asleep on the couch while smoking. So that part particularly hit home with me.
Brooke
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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typo - our new appartment - apartment
good detail of setting
and good character descriptions
I love your satiric tone in describing the "consolers" LOL
One of my childhood neighbors, a lady dear to my heart for several reasons, actually died in a fire caused when she had a few drinks too many and fell asleep on the couch while smoking. So that part particularly hit home with me.
Brooke
Comment Written 19-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2013
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Thank you, Brooke. I appreciate the review and the fact you caught a typo. I see I spelled it right in several other spots.
We've always had a fear of fire, and after that happened, we didn't stay around much longer.
Beth
