Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "My Nightmare."memiors from my life experiences.
34 total reviews
Comment from Chris Tee
This is an absolutely well penned story and a Villanelle poem that you composed here for us and thrown in old sport.
Well done indeed with this splendid entry and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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This is an absolutely well penned story and a Villanelle poem that you composed here for us and thrown in old sport.
Well done indeed with this splendid entry and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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thanks for the review
Comment from anabellapongasi
What a nightmare indeed. I hope it didn't really happen. You have told the story really well, very vivid and very believable. This is a very good entry to the horror story contest. Well written Villanelle too. Good luck!
Anabella
Soon it started to rain. We all headed to our perspective (respective?) homes to seek shelter from the storm.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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What a nightmare indeed. I hope it didn't really happen. You have told the story really well, very vivid and very believable. This is a very good entry to the horror story contest. Well written Villanelle too. Good luck!
Anabella
Soon it started to rain. We all headed to our perspective (respective?) homes to seek shelter from the storm.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Thanks for the review. Ill take a look at the perspective thing thanks
Comment from Jade Johnson
This is a good story and a warning too. But if the workman had uncovered his body surely his parents would know what had happened. You were all so young.
I enjoyed the read, my interest was kept throughout.
Blessings Jade
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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This is a good story and a warning too. But if the workman had uncovered his body surely his parents would know what had happened. You were all so young.
I enjoyed the read, my interest was kept throughout.
Blessings Jade
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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Thanks for the kind review.
Comment from Gungalo
Wow, what a story. It seems the only one hurt by this action was poor little Adam. Why didn't you dig him up? Sigh, what a way to die. Good story and dynamite ending. I love your Villanelle.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Wow, what a story. It seems the only one hurt by this action was poor little Adam. Why didn't you dig him up? Sigh, what a way to die. Good story and dynamite ending. I love your Villanelle.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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thank you thats high praise comming from a great poet like you.
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My pleasure!!!
Comment from sailaway7289
Great story. I liked the sentence about the mother pouring her sadness into the main character - it is vivid. You should have entered this into the Horror writing contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Great story. I liked the sentence about the mother pouring her sadness into the main character - it is vivid. You should have entered this into the Horror writing contest.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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I did I think. Ive been trying to olish it up for that reason alone. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from debskatz
There's still quite a lot. For example:
"There was Michael, a year younger than I at 8 whose back yard was attached to mine. You would think we were good friends living so close, but we weren't and his sister Barbara, who was about my sister's age around 6 years old. Then there was Adam my closest friend plus three or four more kids playing that day from around the neighborhood. They were all kids of the neighborhood and we were having a good time playing hide and seek."
I would rewrite it like this:
"There was Michael, a year younger than I at eight, and his sister, Barbara, who was around my sister's age, six. Although their back yard was attached to mine, we weren't close. Then there was Adam, my closest friend, plus three or four more kids playing that day from around the neighborhood. We were all having a good time playing hide and seek."
The rewrite gives it more focus by taking out extraneous words and you need to write ALL numbers out, except for the year and very large numbers. And you have a LOT of numbers in this story.
Still needs work, my friend. :-)
Hi keimosobie,
What a sad story. Your poem is quite good. The story itself is told well, but the reason I gave you a 3 is because of all the spag. TONS of it!
It would take me over an hour, maybe longer, to list it all here & tell you how to fix it.
But I'll tell ya what I will do, if you want. I can copy/paste onto my microsoft word, just simply correct it, & send it to you via PM. Would you want me to do that? Then after you revise, I could review it again & up those stars.
Let me know!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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There's still quite a lot. For example:
"There was Michael, a year younger than I at 8 whose back yard was attached to mine. You would think we were good friends living so close, but we weren't and his sister Barbara, who was about my sister's age around 6 years old. Then there was Adam my closest friend plus three or four more kids playing that day from around the neighborhood. They were all kids of the neighborhood and we were having a good time playing hide and seek."
I would rewrite it like this:
"There was Michael, a year younger than I at eight, and his sister, Barbara, who was around my sister's age, six. Although their back yard was attached to mine, we weren't close. Then there was Adam, my closest friend, plus three or four more kids playing that day from around the neighborhood. We were all having a good time playing hide and seek."
The rewrite gives it more focus by taking out extraneous words and you need to write ALL numbers out, except for the year and very large numbers. And you have a LOT of numbers in this story.
Still needs work, my friend. :-)
Hi keimosobie,
What a sad story. Your poem is quite good. The story itself is told well, but the reason I gave you a 3 is because of all the spag. TONS of it!
It would take me over an hour, maybe longer, to list it all here & tell you how to fix it.
But I'll tell ya what I will do, if you want. I can copy/paste onto my microsoft word, just simply correct it, & send it to you via PM. Would you want me to do that? Then after you revise, I could review it again & up those stars.
Let me know!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Thanks Deb I have word 2010 so I did what you said. very helpful thanks. I could really use an upgrade on the stars can u check it again and see if it warents one.
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I did check it out & you'll find my comments on the review page. :-)
Comment from ScarletClearwater
There were a few areas where you lost me with the writing. I was confused in places and I wanted to know more about the girl instead of skipping through her life so fast. Good job with the tension and the build up though.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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There were a few areas where you lost me with the writing. I was confused in places and I wanted to know more about the girl instead of skipping through her life so fast. Good job with the tension and the build up though.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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what girl? did you read this?
Comment from Deorre Leonard
Wow! What a nightmare.. We have all at sometime in our lives did or said things that we wish,prayed never happened. Its a sad story of a young child playing a childs game. Who knew that the outcome would be so tragic. Well written. Deorre
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Wow! What a nightmare.. We have all at sometime in our lives did or said things that we wish,prayed never happened. Its a sad story of a young child playing a childs game. Who knew that the outcome would be so tragic. Well written. Deorre
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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thank you. you are very kind.
Comment from TammyGail
Fuck sakes this was indeed horrific
It's far more than the others can produce
How could they its true
What stupid things we do as children
I'm shocked I survived past 10
I'll be following this novel
Please do write it
A smal taste isn't enough
Excellent work I haven't a six
I'll be lookin out for the contest though
You got my vote for sure
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Fuck sakes this was indeed horrific
It's far more than the others can produce
How could they its true
What stupid things we do as children
I'm shocked I survived past 10
I'll be following this novel
Please do write it
A smal taste isn't enough
Excellent work I haven't a six
I'll be lookin out for the contest though
You got my vote for sure
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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this is just part of the novel it's going to be good but I have alot of work to do and I'm lazy and my grammer sucks.
Comment from adewpearl
There was Michael. He was - I added the period, or you could write - There was Michael, a year younger
younger then I - than I
his sister Barbara, who was about - add comma
my sister's age - add apostrophe for possessive
Then there Adam - was Adam
while my mother was five months pregnant with me. - change that period to a comma
I was her little Teddy bare - bear
pain and sadness into me, and I soaked - add comma
mom met a man - Mom
Now fatherless and motherless, I was - add the comma and don't capitalize Fatherless/Motherless
I was lonely and friendless their - there
I helped him dig the whole - hole
His last words to me where - were
I wont - I won't
Adam's mom showed up - add the apostrophe for possessive
Barbara, the young girl - add comma
My little sister new - knew
This is definitely one horrific horror story
You have an engaging narrative style
The 4 is for technical problems, not the story itself. Brooke
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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There was Michael. He was - I added the period, or you could write - There was Michael, a year younger
younger then I - than I
his sister Barbara, who was about - add comma
my sister's age - add apostrophe for possessive
Then there Adam - was Adam
while my mother was five months pregnant with me. - change that period to a comma
I was her little Teddy bare - bear
pain and sadness into me, and I soaked - add comma
mom met a man - Mom
Now fatherless and motherless, I was - add the comma and don't capitalize Fatherless/Motherless
I was lonely and friendless their - there
I helped him dig the whole - hole
His last words to me where - were
I wont - I won't
Adam's mom showed up - add the apostrophe for possessive
Barbara, the young girl - add comma
My little sister new - knew
This is definitely one horrific horror story
You have an engaging narrative style
The 4 is for technical problems, not the story itself. Brooke
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
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thank you thank you for all the corrections :)