Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Chapter 11; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
55 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written and explicit, like you warned. i just read over those parts quickly because i don't like to read about the sex in books. you handled it very well though from what i skimmed over(just the sex area)
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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this is very well written and explicit, like you warned. i just read over those parts quickly because i don't like to read about the sex in books. you handled it very well though from what i skimmed over(just the sex area)
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I tried to keep it in good taste. I struggle with many sex scenes written on this site.
Comment from Laidy
I thought this chapter was a well written chapter and deserving of the 6 i gave. i enjoyed reading and found the chapters are getting more interesting.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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I thought this chapter was a well written chapter and deserving of the 6 i gave. i enjoyed reading and found the chapters are getting more interesting.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and the 6. I appreciate it and your support.
Comment from Metal Head
Hi Barbara
I know the last time I reviewed one of your chapters we disagreed about POV, and I still think you mix up POV's from time to time.
For example: Before she shut the door, she heard Steven's voice, "Leya, wait, I need to speak with you."
I think it should be either
Before she shut the door, Steven asked if he could speak with her.
Or
Before she shut the door, she heard Steven's voice.
"Leya, wait, I need to speak with you."
The following lines seem to contradict each other.
Before she shut the door, she heard Steven's voice, "Leya, wait, I need to speak with you."
"Yes?" She stood at her door, without turning toward him.
"May I come in? We need to talk privately."
"I guess," she said, but hesitated before entering her room.
The reason why they seem to contradict is because Leya must be in the room as she's about to shut the door, yet she then pauses before entering.
The above were the only nits I noticed.
But everything that occured after, wow. That was exceptionally written. I don't know why you are nervous, you have no reason to be.
The nits usually warrant a four star rating as far as I'm concerned, but the second half writing has easily elevated it to a five.
Regards
Michael D
this was exceptionally written.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara
I know the last time I reviewed one of your chapters we disagreed about POV, and I still think you mix up POV's from time to time.
For example: Before she shut the door, she heard Steven's voice, "Leya, wait, I need to speak with you."
I think it should be either
Before she shut the door, Steven asked if he could speak with her.
Or
Before she shut the door, she heard Steven's voice.
"Leya, wait, I need to speak with you."
The following lines seem to contradict each other.
Before she shut the door, she heard Steven's voice, "Leya, wait, I need to speak with you."
"Yes?" She stood at her door, without turning toward him.
"May I come in? We need to talk privately."
"I guess," she said, but hesitated before entering her room.
The reason why they seem to contradict is because Leya must be in the room as she's about to shut the door, yet she then pauses before entering.
The above were the only nits I noticed.
But everything that occured after, wow. That was exceptionally written. I don't know why you are nervous, you have no reason to be.
The nits usually warrant a four star rating as far as I'm concerned, but the second half writing has easily elevated it to a five.
Regards
Michael D
this was exceptionally written.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your review. Out of the 33 reviews I have you are the only one who sees a problem with that area and I have had reviews where people had indicated problems.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
You have nothing to be nervous about, this post was excellent. sex scenes are so hard to write it's difficult to get the balance between porn and corn :) but you have got it spot on. You have moved the story along and taken their relationship to another level. Don't be nervous, you did a fine job x
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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You have nothing to be nervous about, this post was excellent. sex scenes are so hard to write it's difficult to get the balance between porn and corn :) but you have got it spot on. You have moved the story along and taken their relationship to another level. Don't be nervous, you did a fine job x
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Mariea
Hello Barbara. A good continuation of previous chapter. Story developing well and an easy uncluttered read.
Have a great day. Regards Mia
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Hello Barbara. A good continuation of previous chapter. Story developing well and an easy uncluttered read.
Have a great day. Regards Mia
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Very nicely done! Steven wasn't the only one surprised that Leya was a virgin ;p
Liked these lines: They moved in cadence to the dance of old.:).. Please explain how a virgin can be so knowledgeable in the art of making love?" "I read a lot." LOL!!!
Well done and not tacky at all!!!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Very nicely done! Steven wasn't the only one surprised that Leya was a virgin ;p
Liked these lines: They moved in cadence to the dance of old.:).. Please explain how a virgin can be so knowledgeable in the art of making love?" "I read a lot." LOL!!!
Well done and not tacky at all!!!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thank you very much for your kind words. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Donovan
Yikes, Steven beats the heck out of Eddie Rock. I see I need better pictures and absolutely better description. This is well written. I think you have handled this well. A lot of western novels have a couple pages of description and I think this is done as well as any of those. Descriptive but the imagination can still work. I am going back and catching up. Donovan
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Yikes, Steven beats the heck out of Eddie Rock. I see I need better pictures and absolutely better description. This is well written. I think you have handled this well. A lot of western novels have a couple pages of description and I think this is done as well as any of those. Descriptive but the imagination can still work. I am going back and catching up. Donovan
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I am not into heavy graphics when it comes to love making, but it seems to work.
Comment from Joan E.
Your evocative picture choice captured our attention. I do not read much prose on FS but like to catch up with your work when time permits. I certainly picked up the story at a climactic moment! --I couldn't avoid the pun. (It seems in paragraph five that the comma isn't necessary before "but" and that a colon would be better after "team.") I enjoyed the "squirrel" comparison and the "dance of old" metaphor. It will be hard for you to top this chapter! I'm sorry--I just couldn't resist.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Your evocative picture choice captured our attention. I do not read much prose on FS but like to catch up with your work when time permits. I certainly picked up the story at a climactic moment! --I couldn't avoid the pun. (It seems in paragraph five that the comma isn't necessary before "but" and that a colon would be better after "team.") I enjoyed the "squirrel" comparison and the "dance of old" metaphor. It will be hard for you to top this chapter! I'm sorry--I just couldn't resist.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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I laughed and smiled at your review. It was funny. Thank you for brighting my day.
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I guess you can also say you learned about all the sensuality by reading too! Happy Sunday- Joan
Comment from dragonqueen1983
yeah they finally became one :) you have another well written chanpter here and i really like the pic that you used as its sexy but not over the top
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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yeah they finally became one :) you have another well written chanpter here and i really like the pic that you used as its sexy but not over the top
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from HAWordsmith
Good chapter and a pleasure to read. Nice development of the emotions between the two from start to finish. Some corrections are noted below. Thank you for this posting and many blessings. Can't wait for the next chapter. I don't know why you would be nervous about this post, I did notice that your writing seemed to tighten up, no pun intended, when you got to the romance scene and you had typing errors that you would normally not have. This tells me you might be in new territory here and either uncomfortable writing about such things, uncomfortable with your own sexuality, of simply inexperienced in either. Either way, just open up. We don't really know you, we are your readers and we are looking for it to pleasurable... don't be afraid to express it in fully your writing. That being said, always be careful as to how far you push it, keeping in mind what kind of story you want it to be and who you want your audience to be. I believe this was nicely done.
"and fondled with her breasts." (no "with" needed)
He paused( )kissing her lips, before switching breasts. (comma needed)
Hummm, bikini ready. (odd phrasing...Hmmm would be more appropriate here since Hmmm is more a sound of pleasure or thought)
"Man, I want you," (your use of "Man" here kinda ruined the whole 'first time, I love you' thing... perhaps a heartfelt 'my God you feel so good, I want more or something else)
causing her to stiffen as she immdeidately climaxed (and instead of as and immediately instead of immdeidately)
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Good chapter and a pleasure to read. Nice development of the emotions between the two from start to finish. Some corrections are noted below. Thank you for this posting and many blessings. Can't wait for the next chapter. I don't know why you would be nervous about this post, I did notice that your writing seemed to tighten up, no pun intended, when you got to the romance scene and you had typing errors that you would normally not have. This tells me you might be in new territory here and either uncomfortable writing about such things, uncomfortable with your own sexuality, of simply inexperienced in either. Either way, just open up. We don't really know you, we are your readers and we are looking for it to pleasurable... don't be afraid to express it in fully your writing. That being said, always be careful as to how far you push it, keeping in mind what kind of story you want it to be and who you want your audience to be. I believe this was nicely done.
"and fondled with her breasts." (no "with" needed)
He paused( )kissing her lips, before switching breasts. (comma needed)
Hummm, bikini ready. (odd phrasing...Hmmm would be more appropriate here since Hmmm is more a sound of pleasure or thought)
"Man, I want you," (your use of "Man" here kinda ruined the whole 'first time, I love you' thing... perhaps a heartfelt 'my God you feel so good, I want more or something else)
causing her to stiffen as she immdeidately climaxed (and instead of as and immediately instead of immdeidately)
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your support and will get on those areas.