Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Chapter 9; part three"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
50 total reviews
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Barbara, nice chapter. Although I haven't followed the story and the characters were unknown, I got the gist of what's going on. Seems Peggy has done herself in. I look forward to reading more.
When the doctor took Leya for (some) tests
(I don't think 'some' is needed here)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
  |
Hi Barbara, nice chapter. Although I haven't followed the story and the characters were unknown, I got the gist of what's going on. Seems Peggy has done herself in. I look forward to reading more.
When the doctor took Leya for (some) tests
(I don't think 'some' is needed here)
Cassandra
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
I have wondered about the some myself. I will take it out. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Tellis
I know I've been hit and miss on reviewing this story, but I do enjoy reading it. The descriptions are well written and the only thing I can fault is there is a lot of telling instead of showing. This is something I've begun to try and eliminate from my own work so it sticks out to me. Some of my reviewers like Dave M, Buctar and turtlestage5 have really helped me with this.
Tellis
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
|
I know I've been hit and miss on reviewing this story, but I do enjoy reading it. The descriptions are well written and the only thing I can fault is there is a lot of telling instead of showing. This is something I've begun to try and eliminate from my own work so it sticks out to me. Some of my reviewers like Dave M, Buctar and turtlestage5 have really helped me with this.
Tellis
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
Dave M reviews my work on a regular basis and has gigged me for other things but not for telling and not showing. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara,
I am so glad Peggy got caught so that everyone will stop thinking Leya was at fault. Now if she can stop blaming herself...maybe Steven and her can make their marriage real. Great chapter...
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
|
Barbara,
I am so glad Peggy got caught so that everyone will stop thinking Leya was at fault. Now if she can stop blaming herself...maybe Steven and her can make their marriage real. Great chapter...
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
Peggy will return. Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is another good chapter from you. it had good flow, was interesting to the reader and kept the reader involved. change of characters was done very well.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
|
this is another good chapter from you. it had good flow, was interesting to the reader and kept the reader involved. change of characters was done very well.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Queenise
Barbara,an amazingly wonderful chapter. I enjoyed reading it very much. You really did a good job on the plot,descriptions,flow,pace. This kept me on edge and did not disappoint at all. Happy to be a part of the people who are reading this book. Blessings. I had to give you a six on this one. Queenise
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
 |
Barbara,an amazingly wonderful chapter. I enjoyed reading it very much. You really did a good job on the plot,descriptions,flow,pace. This kept me on edge and did not disappoint at all. Happy to be a part of the people who are reading this book. Blessings. I had to give you a six on this one. Queenise
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and the stars. I really appreciate your support.
-
You're welcome. Queenise
Comment from Alaskastory
It's fun to get back to Peggy. This is quite a development and I can't guess how it will be resolved. I look forward to more!
My only suggestion is: 'Once Bob took her(Peggy) away...' since this comes after the **** break.
Good job, Barbara.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
|
It's fun to get back to Peggy. This is quite a development and I can't guess how it will be resolved. I look forward to more!
My only suggestion is: 'Once Bob took her(Peggy) away...' since this comes after the **** break.
Good job, Barbara.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
Thank you. I will take care of that immediately.
Comment from mshugh
Good write.
Now we get to the lesson of strong verbs.
Everytime, you are tempted to use the verbs, speak, walk, reach or any other simple verb - the challenge will be to find a powerful verb that gives the action, but at the same time , spins an image in the reader's mind.
Let's try it with the first sentence - When the doctor took Leya for some tests, Steven went to Task Force
With Leya being subjected to an intensive examination by the doctor, Steven took the opportunity to finally shower anbd shave.
Something like that.
Nice tempo and pace. picking it up nicely
Well done
Michael
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
|
Good write.
Now we get to the lesson of strong verbs.
Everytime, you are tempted to use the verbs, speak, walk, reach or any other simple verb - the challenge will be to find a powerful verb that gives the action, but at the same time , spins an image in the reader's mind.
Let's try it with the first sentence - When the doctor took Leya for some tests, Steven went to Task Force
With Leya being subjected to an intensive examination by the doctor, Steven took the opportunity to finally shower anbd shave.
Something like that.
Nice tempo and pace. picking it up nicely
Well done
Michael
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
I am on it. Thank you again. I sit on pins and needles and wait for your review. I think since yesterday, I chewed two fingernails.
Comment from Jay Squires
I really enjoyed this chapter, Barbara. I'll look for more of your writings in the future. I few things I've noticed:
Leya watched him replace the weapon. "What's going on? And 'nothing' is the wrong answer." [I like this dialogue. It shows her power position, as well as her wit.]
When Peggy turned around, she bumped into Matt. You began the previous sentence with "When". You might look for a synonym.
He called Task Force's security department and ordered an intensive background check on Peggy's previous seven years. [Can this be less narrative and, though dialogue, be made more of the action? As a reader I got the strong feeling that you were trying to rush to the climax.]
You've done an excellent job with this chapter, Barbara.
Blessings,
Jay
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
|
I really enjoyed this chapter, Barbara. I'll look for more of your writings in the future. I few things I've noticed:
Leya watched him replace the weapon. "What's going on? And 'nothing' is the wrong answer." [I like this dialogue. It shows her power position, as well as her wit.]
When Peggy turned around, she bumped into Matt. You began the previous sentence with "When". You might look for a synonym.
He called Task Force's security department and ordered an intensive background check on Peggy's previous seven years. [Can this be less narrative and, though dialogue, be made more of the action? As a reader I got the strong feeling that you were trying to rush to the climax.]
You've done an excellent job with this chapter, Barbara.
Blessings,
Jay
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
-
I will check those areas. One thing I try to be careful of; is because it's a romance and the Task Force business is secondary to the the romance I can't put too much information on the second plot or it loses the romance. I will recheck this area.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Barbara, It's always a pleasure to read your chapters. Interesting story, and well written.
Only a couple suggestions.
Matt held out his hand. "I need your credentials and weapon. You're under arrest." He called Task Force's security department and ordered an intensive background check on Peggy's previous seven years. ---
Did he make this call right then and there in front of Peggy, or had he done it earlier? It sounds like he made the call right in front of Peggy.
After taking her weapon, Matt motioned for Bob to take her to Task Force, as he answered, --- I think "and answered" might be smoother.
Roberta
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
|
Barbara, It's always a pleasure to read your chapters. Interesting story, and well written.
Only a couple suggestions.
Matt held out his hand. "I need your credentials and weapon. You're under arrest." He called Task Force's security department and ordered an intensive background check on Peggy's previous seven years. ---
Did he make this call right then and there in front of Peggy, or had he done it earlier? It sounds like he made the call right in front of Peggy.
After taking her weapon, Matt motioned for Bob to take her to Task Force, as he answered, --- I think "and answered" might be smoother.
Roberta
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
-
I will take another look at those areas. Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from chaswriter
Barbara - An interesting chapter. So Peggy is giving information as to Leya's whereabouts to her family. Good continuation of the plot line. Well done.
Charlie
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
|
Barbara - An interesting chapter. So Peggy is giving information as to Leya's whereabouts to her family. Good continuation of the plot line. Well done.
Charlie
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
