Happy Birthday Bobby
A celebration with a difference32 total reviews
Comment from patwannabe
Marijke, this is a wonderful story. I'm always so delighted when someone can throw off the shackles that bind them. I was caught in a controlling marriage and had no way out. I'm very happy now.
Next to last sentence:...freed myself (OF) my shackles.
Well done, pat
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Marijke, this is a wonderful story. I'm always so delighted when someone can throw off the shackles that bind them. I was caught in a controlling marriage and had no way out. I'm very happy now.
Next to last sentence:...freed myself (OF) my shackles.
Well done, pat
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thank you Pat, for your review and generous rating, and your good wishes. I corrected that nit, thanks.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment from Sissy
Hi fionageorge,
Hope all is well! This is a really good contest entry. You've made it seem really authentic, especially through your dialogue, and Bobby's voice. Nice job! There actually is a whole book in here somewhere, I think. Bobby is a character we have sympathy for, as readers, and you've left me wondering what will become of her, Ma (although it seems her life will only change for the worse), and Bobby's relationship with Peter.
I cut and pasted a few things below. See what you think:
I have my coat on(+,) ready to leave this prison.
When I was born Pa was disappointed I was a girl
(I know you are speaking in a certain voice here, but watch the three 'was's in a row here. See if you can kick one.)
Ma was timid and abused, she'd come to accept her lot in life. (consider either putting a semicolon after 'abused' to connect the two complete sentences, or rephrasing to something like: 'Ma, timid and abused, had come to accept her lot in life.')
our farm-hands (in my Merriam-Webster dict., it lists 'farmhand' as one word. Consider adjusting all.)
Eighteen candles were lit, and a rowdy Happy Birthday was sung. (watch the passives 'were lit' and 'was sung'. Can adjust second to something like: ')and they sang a rowdy happy birthday.'
Peter said in a no(-)nonsense voice.
Git off me property, (<--consider breaking this up into two complete sentences.) how dare ya speak to me like that!"
Pa stomped out of the shed, and was (<--consider changing this 'was' to 'came'?) back in a matter of seconds with his money sock
"See what ya've done? Made me own daughter go against me!" Pa spluttered, outraged.(<--'spluttered' implies outrage to me, so consider kicking 'outraged'.)
Once in my bedroom I emptied the sock; (consider a dash here, or even a colon. The semicolon doesn't quite work.) over a thousand dollars, that should do me for a while.
Put that gun down!" I screamed at him (<--can kick 'at him'. Implied.)
I looked at Ma, and asked her if she'd come( can kick: with me)
"No, Bobby, I can't leave your Pa, (consider period here.) I need to look after the farm until he comes home."
Goodbye, Bobby, (same here, consider period here.) I hope you'll be happy
I hope this helps! Good luck in the contest!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Hi fionageorge,
Hope all is well! This is a really good contest entry. You've made it seem really authentic, especially through your dialogue, and Bobby's voice. Nice job! There actually is a whole book in here somewhere, I think. Bobby is a character we have sympathy for, as readers, and you've left me wondering what will become of her, Ma (although it seems her life will only change for the worse), and Bobby's relationship with Peter.
I cut and pasted a few things below. See what you think:
I have my coat on(+,) ready to leave this prison.
When I was born Pa was disappointed I was a girl
(I know you are speaking in a certain voice here, but watch the three 'was's in a row here. See if you can kick one.)
Ma was timid and abused, she'd come to accept her lot in life. (consider either putting a semicolon after 'abused' to connect the two complete sentences, or rephrasing to something like: 'Ma, timid and abused, had come to accept her lot in life.')
our farm-hands (in my Merriam-Webster dict., it lists 'farmhand' as one word. Consider adjusting all.)
Eighteen candles were lit, and a rowdy Happy Birthday was sung. (watch the passives 'were lit' and 'was sung'. Can adjust second to something like: ')and they sang a rowdy happy birthday.'
Peter said in a no(-)nonsense voice.
Git off me property, (<--consider breaking this up into two complete sentences.) how dare ya speak to me like that!"
Pa stomped out of the shed, and was (<--consider changing this 'was' to 'came'?) back in a matter of seconds with his money sock
"See what ya've done? Made me own daughter go against me!" Pa spluttered, outraged.(<--'spluttered' implies outrage to me, so consider kicking 'outraged'.)
Once in my bedroom I emptied the sock; (consider a dash here, or even a colon. The semicolon doesn't quite work.) over a thousand dollars, that should do me for a while.
Put that gun down!" I screamed at him (<--can kick 'at him'. Implied.)
I looked at Ma, and asked her if she'd come( can kick: with me)
"No, Bobby, I can't leave your Pa, (consider period here.) I need to look after the farm until he comes home."
Goodbye, Bobby, (same here, consider period here.) I hope you'll be happy
I hope this helps! Good luck in the contest!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thank you Sissy, for your review and rating, and your good wishes. I will go through again with a fine tooth comb, and your valued advice is much appreciated. I would appreciate if you can revisit, and reconsider your rating, if you feel it appropriate.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment from missy98writer
Marijke
I like the way you had Bobby stand up to her abusive father. If only everyone caught in a life of abuse would have the fortitude to confront their abusers. Her father was a vile man she had great restraint not to pull the trigger. Its a shame her mother didn't leave. I'm sure when the old man gets out of jail he'll come back and take out his abuse of Bobby's mother. Great story that is realistic and well written. An excellent entry in the contest.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Marijke
I like the way you had Bobby stand up to her abusive father. If only everyone caught in a life of abuse would have the fortitude to confront their abusers. Her father was a vile man she had great restraint not to pull the trigger. Its a shame her mother didn't leave. I'm sure when the old man gets out of jail he'll come back and take out his abuse of Bobby's mother. Great story that is realistic and well written. An excellent entry in the contest.
Melissa.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thank you Melissa, I truly appreciate your kind words and generous review.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment from Alison Williams
Excellent. I like this story, it's excellent. Heh. It's so nice to see a really strong character, and I love the way she stood up to her Pa, as much as Peter did, like the catalyst. It doesn't matter if they never get together, she has made that break.
It's so sad bout the mother, but it's like that, isn't it?
I didn't spot any errors whilst I was reading this either. Extremely well written, with good flow, tension, plot arc and resolution. :)
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Excellent. I like this story, it's excellent. Heh. It's so nice to see a really strong character, and I love the way she stood up to her Pa, as much as Peter did, like the catalyst. It doesn't matter if they never get together, she has made that break.
It's so sad bout the mother, but it's like that, isn't it?
I didn't spot any errors whilst I was reading this either. Extremely well written, with good flow, tension, plot arc and resolution. :)
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thank you Alison, I truly appreciate your kind review and generous rating.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment from FredCollingwood
I reallly got wrapped up in this stpry. If there are any spags, I didn't notice them. I felt disappointment and courage. Great writing.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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I reallly got wrapped up in this stpry. If there are any spags, I didn't notice them. I felt disappointment and courage. Great writing.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thanks Fred, that it a compliment. I appreciate your comments and generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from L.lora
"As I went to say thank [you to=delete] Peter,"
typo="But today I freed myself [of(f)] my shackles"
"I am free, I am strong, I am a real woman." I would suggest taking the "real" our of this sentence but it may be just a matter of preferrence.
I really enjoyed this story. It
is well formulated and flows
smoothly. Your reader is hooked
from the start and captivated
by the turn of events. Your narratives
are descriptive and the dialogues are
a delight, especially done with what
appears to be an Irish broque... An
enjoyable read, thank you. Lora
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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"As I went to say thank [you to=delete] Peter,"
typo="But today I freed myself [of(f)] my shackles"
"I am free, I am strong, I am a real woman." I would suggest taking the "real" our of this sentence but it may be just a matter of preferrence.
I really enjoyed this story. It
is well formulated and flows
smoothly. Your reader is hooked
from the start and captivated
by the turn of events. Your narratives
are descriptive and the dialogues are
a delight, especially done with what
appears to be an Irish broque... An
enjoyable read, thank you. Lora
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thanks Lora, I am pleased you enjoyed, and I have fixed the 'off' nit. Thanks.
Warmest regards and hugs
Marijke
Comment from Moe Dylan
You did a good job on this piece. It started with conflict and matched up well with the picture. I thought the scenes were done well too. And the dialogue was believable. Good job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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You did a good job on this piece. It started with conflict and matched up well with the picture. I thought the scenes were done well too. And the dialogue was believable. Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thank you for your generous review, ratings, and youg good luck wishes. I appreciate them.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment from hotstuff
Abuse comes in many forms and your story certainly highlights this. Poor Bobby-what a life she has led. I really enjoyed the more positive ending although I felt sorry for the mother.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Abuse comes in many forms and your story certainly highlights this. Poor Bobby-what a life she has led. I really enjoyed the more positive ending although I felt sorry for the mother.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thank you for your generous review and ratings, I appreciate you took the time, and am pleased you enjoyed.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment from nora arjuna
"Why, you ungrateful little b...," Pa lifted his hand
i think it should be presented this way:
"Why, you ungrateful little b--" Pa lifted his hand
trailing dots imply trailing speech. here, it's an abrupt stop.
other than that, i didn't find anything wrong with this great post. it was an entertaining read and i wish you lots you luck. :)
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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"Why, you ungrateful little b...," Pa lifted his hand
i think it should be presented this way:
"Why, you ungrateful little b--" Pa lifted his hand
trailing dots imply trailing speech. here, it's an abrupt stop.
other than that, i didn't find anything wrong with this great post. it was an entertaining read and i wish you lots you luck. :)
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thanks once again, Nora, for picking up on the b... I appreciate your advice, and have made the correction. I learn more about this craft every day.
Warmest regards
Marijke
Comment from Valkarie
FIONA...This is a great piece of writing I have to say, just could not keep from reading and wanting more. The vocabulary which you used captured the tension of the piece, it was both enigmatic and artistic with a powerful imagery that kept the suspense at bay all the way through.
Great write.
Valkarie...
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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FIONA...This is a great piece of writing I have to say, just could not keep from reading and wanting more. The vocabulary which you used captured the tension of the piece, it was both enigmatic and artistic with a powerful imagery that kept the suspense at bay all the way through.
Great write.
Valkarie...
Comment Written 07-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2010
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Thank you so much Valkarie, for your generosity in your review and the rating.
Warmest regards
Marijke
