On Wings of Love
Contest Entry27 total reviews
Comment from ModaStan
Please forgive me for this 'review' and not commenting on your work.
Also, I won't have time to reply.
Today, my best friend and fellow 'Fanstorian' has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is very religious and I am not. I have prayed for her but she needs more.
The only way I can think of is to post a tribute to her on FS as high as possible. Hopefully then she will get the prayers she needs.
Unfortunately, I have no job or money to pay for this and hope to earn FS 'dollars' to do so with this 'pretend review'.
I have no wish to gain ranking or credit, so as long as 'Tom' allows me to, I will post and request no rating - thus gain nothing.
In the meantime, any prayers can't do harm for the sweet Joyce ('jshep')
Thanks for your understanding.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
  |
Please forgive me for this 'review' and not commenting on your work.
Also, I won't have time to reply.
Today, my best friend and fellow 'Fanstorian' has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is very religious and I am not. I have prayed for her but she needs more.
The only way I can think of is to post a tribute to her on FS as high as possible. Hopefully then she will get the prayers she needs.
Unfortunately, I have no job or money to pay for this and hope to earn FS 'dollars' to do so with this 'pretend review'.
I have no wish to gain ranking or credit, so as long as 'Tom' allows me to, I will post and request no rating - thus gain nothing.
In the meantime, any prayers can't do harm for the sweet Joyce ('jshep')
Thanks for your understanding.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
-
OH goodness, thanks for sharing this information. Joyce is a beloved Fanstorian and I will definitely place her in my prayers.
Comment from patmedium
This is bang-on with the Spiritual aspects. Congratulations on an extremely well-told report. Your word control is such that I could see every bit of the action in my mind's eye. I could feel every single jot of emotion throughout. Thankyou. Pat.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
|
This is bang-on with the Spiritual aspects. Congratulations on an extremely well-told report. Your word control is such that I could see every bit of the action in my mind's eye. I could feel every single jot of emotion throughout. Thankyou. Pat.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for the most encouraging review, very much appreciate it.
-
this one is still clearly in my memory, all this time later. Best wishes. Pat.
Comment from Charlene0513
A contest entry decribing a very powerful and tragic event that took place just as you thought there was going to be a love affair turn into an etenity of commitment when everything gets overturned and angel enters your midst to take away the pain and suffering.
Charlene
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
|
A contest entry decribing a very powerful and tragic event that took place just as you thought there was going to be a love affair turn into an etenity of commitment when everything gets overturned and angel enters your midst to take away the pain and suffering.
Charlene
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review, very much appreciated.
Comment from DrCarter2001
This is a beautiful story and a wonderful entry for the contest. At first I wasn't sure if it made sense to tell the story from your perspective since it's more a story abuot Sarah and Ron, but you managed to weave in your observations and interactions in a way that make your perspective logical and adds another layer to the story. Plus the fact that this is non-fiction makes your observations more valuable and understandable.
I really like the introductory paragraph and the foreshadowing. I do think you may have foreshadowed Ron's death a little too much (not really foreshadowing when you specifically point out his death several times). the first paragraph tells us we're witnessing Ron's funeral; good foreshadowing. The following paragraphs have: "I would be saying my farewell to Ron", "Who knew the greatest love story would be found in Ron's death," and "What we didn't realize was the fact he would never come back to us again."
In creative non-fiction as in fiction, it's best to leave the reader guessing a little bit about the ending. While showing a funeral at the beginning and not specifically stating that it's Ron's funeral is a great way to hint at the conclusion, if you repeatedly remind the reader that he's going to die at the end it takes away some of the suspense. Yes, I do want to know how he dies, but that's only helpful if something really unusual happens later on. I wouldn't change any of you descriptions of what happens, but I might take out a couple of those lines that I mentioned above, if for no other reason than to let the reader hope that, maybe I read this wrong...maybe he's going to pull through and have a happy life with Sarah before dying of some other reason later on.
A couple of nits: "The court ordered Ron moved from the rehab center into a nursing facility due to (the) cost (for rehab). (I wondered about this decision.) I wondered if by making this move..." The "for rehab" is unnecessary; it's clear what costs we're talking about. Also you have two back to back sentences starting with "I wondered." You could delete the first sentence altogether and not lose anything.
Great work. Best of luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
|
This is a beautiful story and a wonderful entry for the contest. At first I wasn't sure if it made sense to tell the story from your perspective since it's more a story abuot Sarah and Ron, but you managed to weave in your observations and interactions in a way that make your perspective logical and adds another layer to the story. Plus the fact that this is non-fiction makes your observations more valuable and understandable.
I really like the introductory paragraph and the foreshadowing. I do think you may have foreshadowed Ron's death a little too much (not really foreshadowing when you specifically point out his death several times). the first paragraph tells us we're witnessing Ron's funeral; good foreshadowing. The following paragraphs have: "I would be saying my farewell to Ron", "Who knew the greatest love story would be found in Ron's death," and "What we didn't realize was the fact he would never come back to us again."
In creative non-fiction as in fiction, it's best to leave the reader guessing a little bit about the ending. While showing a funeral at the beginning and not specifically stating that it's Ron's funeral is a great way to hint at the conclusion, if you repeatedly remind the reader that he's going to die at the end it takes away some of the suspense. Yes, I do want to know how he dies, but that's only helpful if something really unusual happens later on. I wouldn't change any of you descriptions of what happens, but I might take out a couple of those lines that I mentioned above, if for no other reason than to let the reader hope that, maybe I read this wrong...maybe he's going to pull through and have a happy life with Sarah before dying of some other reason later on.
A couple of nits: "The court ordered Ron moved from the rehab center into a nursing facility due to (the) cost (for rehab). (I wondered about this decision.) I wondered if by making this move..." The "for rehab" is unnecessary; it's clear what costs we're talking about. Also you have two back to back sentences starting with "I wondered." You could delete the first sentence altogether and not lose anything.
Great work. Best of luck in the contest!
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
-
I really appreciate your great review. I'll work on those things right away. I'm a bit new to the story writing side here, I'm usually found in poetry, so I'm really grateful for the detailed and helpful review.
Comment from dgelias
The writing itself here is excellent as a summation of a particular event. The story is incredibly downbeat. I did find myself wanting to hear more specific details on some things: why did Ron's son have such a fractured relationship with his father, but all in all, a solid, if dour effort.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
 |
The writing itself here is excellent as a summation of a particular event. The story is incredibly downbeat. I did find myself wanting to hear more specific details on some things: why did Ron's son have such a fractured relationship with his father, but all in all, a solid, if dour effort.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
-
Thanks so much for the time to read and review. I'll give some thought to that.
Comment from FredCollingwood
What a gripping story and very well written. ONly one very minor thing you might look at:
They pulled off the side of the road to check on Doreen's gear(,) something wasn't quite right and she didn't feel comfortable going further. > comma splice. Use semicolon or period.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
|
What a gripping story and very well written. ONly one very minor thing you might look at:
They pulled off the side of the road to check on Doreen's gear(,) something wasn't quite right and she didn't feel comfortable going further. > comma splice. Use semicolon or period.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
-
Thank you, sir, I'll take a look at that right now. I appreciate your help. I sometimes struggle with proper punctuation.
Comment from Begin Again
What a powerful and moving story.
We too had a death in our family after Christmas...A young adult who shared the holidays with us and her friends and then slipped away while sleeping. The autopsy said a value failed to work.
I believe with all my heart that they somehow know those who care and love them and they do try to connect. Long ago, I lost my son and I know he watches over us.
I pray that Ron is at peace and watches over you and Sarah.
Smiles, CArol
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
|
What a powerful and moving story.
We too had a death in our family after Christmas...A young adult who shared the holidays with us and her friends and then slipped away while sleeping. The autopsy said a value failed to work.
I believe with all my heart that they somehow know those who care and love them and they do try to connect. Long ago, I lost my son and I know he watches over us.
I pray that Ron is at peace and watches over you and Sarah.
Smiles, CArol
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
-
I'm sorry to hear of your son. I truly do believe they are still watching us and I think at times we can feel their presence when needed. Thanks so much for sharing your story with me and taking the time to read and review.