Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Chapter 6; part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
48 total reviews
Comment from Kellytr
Barbara, This is an excellent chapter. I enjoyed the interaction and dialogue between the characters and found the story engaging and entertaining - I can see trouble ahead for Peggy if she keeps defying the boss. A bit of jealousy going on there, no doubt. A good read! Kelly
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Barbara, This is an excellent chapter. I enjoyed the interaction and dialogue between the characters and found the story engaging and entertaining - I can see trouble ahead for Peggy if she keeps defying the boss. A bit of jealousy going on there, no doubt. A good read! Kelly
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from FredCollingwood
You have a solution for how to use ellipsses--don't use them! Great story and very well written. I looked hard for spags, but found none. Well done!
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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You have a solution for how to use ellipsses--don't use them! Great story and very well written. I looked hard for spags, but found none. Well done!
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. You make me laugh with the ellpises issue. You're a sweetie.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hiya Barbara,
Seems to me that Peggy is the one to watch, there is something going on in that lady's head that isn't professional! Well written and certainly holds the attention. I like the description of Leya and the kitten.
Patrick
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Hiya Barbara,
Seems to me that Peggy is the one to watch, there is something going on in that lady's head that isn't professional! Well written and certainly holds the attention. I like the description of Leya and the kitten.
Patrick
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from eliz100
This is another well-written chapter. You leave me wondering why Steven is going to town, so now I am really looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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This is another well-written chapter. You leave me wondering why Steven is going to town, so now I am really looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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I am so glad you are wondering. I had a reviewer state that the hook was not strong enough. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Katiesherrill
Good chapter, the dialogue is really good and believable. I can't wait til Peggy get's her, (I hope she does, lol) Cant wait to read another.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Good chapter, the dialogue is really good and believable. I can't wait til Peggy get's her, (I hope she does, lol) Cant wait to read another.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from fictionwriter
another good chapter here. I wonder why Peggy is so jealous. Did I miss something, was there a relationship between her and Steven before. Well done.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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another good chapter here. I wonder why Peggy is so jealous. Did I miss something, was there a relationship between her and Steven before. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Yes, Steven and Peggy went to West Point together, so there a previous relationship.
Comment from empire76
Do you really need Peggy's scene at the beginning? It doesn't really add much to the story.(just my thoughts)
-Steven knew Peggy had a valid point. Peggy's judgment is usually sound. If Leya is a spy, she could have listening devices attached to her jewelry.
Since the first sentence has Peggy in it, I'd recommend you change the one in the second sentence to HER. Also, the use of italics isn't necessary. It is understood that we're in Steve's POV so these are his thoughts.
Might flow better too: Steven knew Peggy had a valid point. Her judgment was usually sound. If Leya was a spy, she could have...
- Steven nodded for Leya to [hand] over the wedding band.
-After she [handed] it to Peggy, Peggy grabbed her right hand...
Hand over and handed ... change one
- Peggy sighed before she left the room carrying the jewelry.
Suggestion: Peggy sighed before leaving the room with the rest of the jewelry.
- ...There's a full carat of diamond chips surrounding that large dark green emerald stone.
Here's another place where I think the active thought doesn't really work well. The line sounds like you just want the reader to know what the ring looks like (which is what you want, but you don't have to make it sound like it)
Suggestions:
- This had to be expensive, judging from the full carat of diamond chips surrounding the large dark green emerald stone.
- ...and studied the detail on it--a large dark green emerald stone surrounded by a full carat of diamond chips. This had to be expensive.
- The contempt in her voice made him feel guilty and he stared at the floor.
Use stronger, more visual expressions. I like the beginning of this sentence but the end softens the impact.
e.g. The contempt in her voice brought on unexpected guilt. He couldn't even look at her.
(or something)
- Wanting to go after her, he instead picked up the receiver and discussed with Matt Peggy's latest suspicions of Leya...
Sounds a little odd. Try alternative sentence structures.
- He walked away, as a grin erupted across his lips.
What's he thinking here? I mean, it must take a pretty special person to have her life in chaos and still be able to enjoy little pleasures like candy bars.
Remember that thought doesn't always have to be expressed as active thoughts.
- "I don't have time for these petty games.()
End quote missing
- Steven stood in the door and faced her.
You used a very similar expression a couple of lines above.
Cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Do you really need Peggy's scene at the beginning? It doesn't really add much to the story.(just my thoughts)
-Steven knew Peggy had a valid point. Peggy's judgment is usually sound. If Leya is a spy, she could have listening devices attached to her jewelry.
Since the first sentence has Peggy in it, I'd recommend you change the one in the second sentence to HER. Also, the use of italics isn't necessary. It is understood that we're in Steve's POV so these are his thoughts.
Might flow better too: Steven knew Peggy had a valid point. Her judgment was usually sound. If Leya was a spy, she could have...
- Steven nodded for Leya to [hand] over the wedding band.
-After she [handed] it to Peggy, Peggy grabbed her right hand...
Hand over and handed ... change one
- Peggy sighed before she left the room carrying the jewelry.
Suggestion: Peggy sighed before leaving the room with the rest of the jewelry.
- ...There's a full carat of diamond chips surrounding that large dark green emerald stone.
Here's another place where I think the active thought doesn't really work well. The line sounds like you just want the reader to know what the ring looks like (which is what you want, but you don't have to make it sound like it)
Suggestions:
- This had to be expensive, judging from the full carat of diamond chips surrounding the large dark green emerald stone.
- ...and studied the detail on it--a large dark green emerald stone surrounded by a full carat of diamond chips. This had to be expensive.
- The contempt in her voice made him feel guilty and he stared at the floor.
Use stronger, more visual expressions. I like the beginning of this sentence but the end softens the impact.
e.g. The contempt in her voice brought on unexpected guilt. He couldn't even look at her.
(or something)
- Wanting to go after her, he instead picked up the receiver and discussed with Matt Peggy's latest suspicions of Leya...
Sounds a little odd. Try alternative sentence structures.
- He walked away, as a grin erupted across his lips.
What's he thinking here? I mean, it must take a pretty special person to have her life in chaos and still be able to enjoy little pleasures like candy bars.
Remember that thought doesn't always have to be expressed as active thoughts.
- "I don't have time for these petty games.()
End quote missing
- Steven stood in the door and faced her.
You used a very similar expression a couple of lines above.
Cheers
Empi
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from ladybird
I think this so called 'fake' marriage means more to Steven than he's letting on. Seems as if Peggy's jealousy is bubbling over.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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I think this so called 'fake' marriage means more to Steven than he's letting on. Seems as if Peggy's jealousy is bubbling over.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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I have a feeling your assessment is correct. Thank you for your review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara
I either want to place a fist in Peggy's pretty little face or else give Steven a better backbone...I think as a supervisor he's coming off as a wimp even if he did demand the ring back...Peggy is walking all over him, demanding this check and that check...I don't think a true investigator supervisor would let that happen...especially by a woman.
Great job!
Carol
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Barbara
I either want to place a fist in Peggy's pretty little face or else give Steven a better backbone...I think as a supervisor he's coming off as a wimp even if he did demand the ring back...Peggy is walking all over him, demanding this check and that check...I don't think a true investigator supervisor would let that happen...especially by a woman.
Great job!
Carol
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Thank you for the review. Steven and Peggy have history, so he's giving her the benefit of the doubt. It will all come out in the wash.
Comment from mshugh
You're building the tempo nicely, but I think you need a stronger hook at the end of the chapter - so that I would be eager to move to the next chapter.
Other than that, I think you've done a fine job
Michael
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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You're building the tempo nicely, but I think you need a stronger hook at the end of the chapter - so that I would be eager to move to the next chapter.
Other than that, I think you've done a fine job
Michael
Comment Written 22-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2009
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Ouch, but I will check into it. Thank you for your review and continued support.
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No - don't get me wrong - I am interested to move to the next chapter
But you should always end and begin with strong hooks - make sennse?
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I was teasing, sorry I didn't make that clear. With my female friends after teasing I always put LOL, but I am cautious to do that with my male friends. I don't want them to think I am flirting. And you a wanton woman.
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Hod wid you guess? (laugh)
I can't see me in a skirt (hilarious laughter)
And with my unshaven face this morning - that would be quite a fright