Tomorrow Never Comes
Time Stood Still34 total reviews
Comment from jodim
The way you entwined the contest words into this story was powerful. Your descriptions in Tomorrow Never Comes are superb. Good luck in the contest. jodim
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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The way you entwined the contest words into this story was powerful. Your descriptions in Tomorrow Never Comes are superb. Good luck in the contest. jodim
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious review.
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Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
You have managed to paint a very clear picture of the setting as the troops board the ship, and indeed as they return too.
You have also managed to convey the feelings of those who left and returned very poignantly, although you do not consciously mention feelings.
A great contest entry.
Juliette
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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You have managed to paint a very clear picture of the setting as the troops board the ship, and indeed as they return too.
You have also managed to convey the feelings of those who left and returned very poignantly, although you do not consciously mention feelings.
A great contest entry.
Juliette
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Thank you for stopping by and for your wonderful review.
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Comment from another jim
Great writing, fastdigits! It wasn't until I got to the end, and began my second reading, that I realized this was a contest entry with a list of required words. Seamless, yeah, and then some...
What terrific imagery. To wit:
...the wind singing as if in pain.
...the bow breached the stinging waves.
...a raging vortex of churning water that vanished into the distant horizon...
Very nicely done. Excellent theme, and your use of the IDL to make your point was both clever and poignant. One of my favorite reads this week!
Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest...Jim.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Great writing, fastdigits! It wasn't until I got to the end, and began my second reading, that I realized this was a contest entry with a list of required words. Seamless, yeah, and then some...
What terrific imagery. To wit:
...the wind singing as if in pain.
...the bow breached the stinging waves.
...a raging vortex of churning water that vanished into the distant horizon...
Very nicely done. Excellent theme, and your use of the IDL to make your point was both clever and poignant. One of my favorite reads this week!
Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest...Jim.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Thank you for stopping by and for that wonderful review.
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Comment from grassroots08
I don't care what others think. This is a hard prompt to do. I commend you for your valiant attempt. It meets the critera and its well penned and the story is a good one. Cheers, Don
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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I don't care what others think. This is a hard prompt to do. I commend you for your valiant attempt. It meets the critera and its well penned and the story is a good one. Cheers, Don
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Thank you for stopping by and for your kind review.
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Comment from rama devi
Second review
I am very pleased that those comments helped you improve this work and that you gracioulsy took the points into consideration! Happy to give five stars after your edits. Bravo!
First review (THREE stars)
This is well written and utilizes the stipulated words in a seamless fashion. The idea and content makes it an excellent entry.
However- please note that I think this might be improved by cutting down the rather long opening sentence...
We lined up on the beach, the troop ship towering above us, the wind singing as if in pain as we carried our knapsacks up the gangway, one of a family of heroes on a mission of necessity.
into two-
We lined up on the beach, the troop ship towering above us, the wind singing as if in pain. We carried our knapsacks up the gangway, one of a family of heroes on a mission of necessity.
Also, some spag to note-
We stood at the railing of this giant ship(COMMA) watching as the bow breached the stinging waves and expelled a white(COMMA) foamy fountain of water(COMMA) traveling the length of the vessel until it disappeared in a raging vortex of churning water that vanished into the distant horizon where clouds meet the sea.
Again- a run on sentence. Suggestion-
We stood at the railing of this giant ship, watching as the bow breached the stinging waves. It expelled a white, foamy fountain of water that traveled the length of the vessel until it disappeared in a raging vortex of churning water and vanished into the distant horizon where clouds meet the sea.
Same thing with third paragraph-
Two years later, there were fewer of us lining the railing, and as we crossed the International Date Line, where today once more became today, I thought back to those that would never get their tomorrow back, lost forever in the madness of war.
Much better as two sentences-
Two years later, there were fewer of us lining the railing as we crossed the International Date Line, where today once more became today. I thought back to those that would never get their tomorrow back, lost forever in the madness of war.
Best of luck.
Do let me know if you make edits.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Second review
I am very pleased that those comments helped you improve this work and that you gracioulsy took the points into consideration! Happy to give five stars after your edits. Bravo!
First review (THREE stars)
This is well written and utilizes the stipulated words in a seamless fashion. The idea and content makes it an excellent entry.
However- please note that I think this might be improved by cutting down the rather long opening sentence...
We lined up on the beach, the troop ship towering above us, the wind singing as if in pain as we carried our knapsacks up the gangway, one of a family of heroes on a mission of necessity.
into two-
We lined up on the beach, the troop ship towering above us, the wind singing as if in pain. We carried our knapsacks up the gangway, one of a family of heroes on a mission of necessity.
Also, some spag to note-
We stood at the railing of this giant ship(COMMA) watching as the bow breached the stinging waves and expelled a white(COMMA) foamy fountain of water(COMMA) traveling the length of the vessel until it disappeared in a raging vortex of churning water that vanished into the distant horizon where clouds meet the sea.
Again- a run on sentence. Suggestion-
We stood at the railing of this giant ship, watching as the bow breached the stinging waves. It expelled a white, foamy fountain of water that traveled the length of the vessel until it disappeared in a raging vortex of churning water and vanished into the distant horizon where clouds meet the sea.
Same thing with third paragraph-
Two years later, there were fewer of us lining the railing, and as we crossed the International Date Line, where today once more became today, I thought back to those that would never get their tomorrow back, lost forever in the madness of war.
Much better as two sentences-
Two years later, there were fewer of us lining the railing as we crossed the International Date Line, where today once more became today. I thought back to those that would never get their tomorrow back, lost forever in the madness of war.
Best of luck.
Do let me know if you make edits.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Thank you for stopping by and for your constructive comments on my work, which I agree with your review that it would read better with the cutting down of those long run on sentences.
Since you did believe this was an excellent entry, I hope this changes your valuation of my work.
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Comment from Prabs_Ranjan
A winner for me, for sure. More so, when it brings out the futility and poignance of war, which for me has been the worst thing humans have incurred and continue doing so on themselves.
Your description from the railing of the ship is vivid. International Date Line surely amplifies the meaning of today and tomorrow. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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A winner for me, for sure. More so, when it brings out the futility and poignance of war, which for me has been the worst thing humans have incurred and continue doing so on themselves.
Your description from the railing of the ship is vivid. International Date Line surely amplifies the meaning of today and tomorrow. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
-
Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious review.
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Comment from c_lucas
You are right, War is a madness kept alive by a sick society. This is very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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You are right, War is a madness kept alive by a sick society. This is very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Thank you for stopping by and for your kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from PUPA
I love how you told us a whole story about the cruelty of war, by choosing to describe only the way to and back from war, losing that one day, a great metaphor for those lost lives. Very well thought out and expressed. Good Luck, I find this a very powerful contest entry and deserves all the stars I can send you.
Love
Pupa
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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I love how you told us a whole story about the cruelty of war, by choosing to describe only the way to and back from war, losing that one day, a great metaphor for those lost lives. Very well thought out and expressed. Good Luck, I find this a very powerful contest entry and deserves all the stars I can send you.
Love
Pupa
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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As always, thank you for stopping by and for your wonderful review and brilliant stars that will shine all day and night.
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Comment from Bryana
Very well written. You told a story, a war, sad story.
You are right, many didn't get those romorrows back.
I like your authors notes. I've been to the Far East and it was confusing because we lost a day, I was glad to get it back at our return.
I enjoyed yout short story.
I wish you good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Very well written. You told a story, a war, sad story.
You are right, many didn't get those romorrows back.
I like your authors notes. I've been to the Far East and it was confusing because we lost a day, I was glad to get it back at our return.
I enjoyed yout short story.
I wish you good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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Thank you for stopping by and for your kind review and well wishes.
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Comment from Begin Again
fastdigits
A time of mixed emotions for those coming back from war, knowing that they will be with their families again but many of their friends lost their lives. Vietnam was like that for some that I know. You touched the emotions perfectly.
Carol
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
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fastdigits
A time of mixed emotions for those coming back from war, knowing that they will be with their families again but many of their friends lost their lives. Vietnam was like that for some that I know. You touched the emotions perfectly.
Carol
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
-
Thank you for stopping by and for your kind review.
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