Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Chapter 2 Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
36 total reviews
Comment from Brindle.T
Hello Barbara.
I enjoyed this segment. Its narration and dialogue were lean and the story moved along at a pace.
Because the adjective, "gorgeous" precedes the word, woman, do you reckon its a little bit of, "telling?" Look here...fully aware of the potential danger this gorgeous woman possessed...See what I mean.
I liked the ending...What man hasnt been there?
lol
Tony
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Hello Barbara.
I enjoyed this segment. Its narration and dialogue were lean and the story moved along at a pace.
Because the adjective, "gorgeous" precedes the word, woman, do you reckon its a little bit of, "telling?" Look here...fully aware of the potential danger this gorgeous woman possessed...See what I mean.
I liked the ending...What man hasnt been there?
lol
Tony
Comment Written 17-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Should I just take gorgeous out? Thank you for your review. I appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Belinda
I really don't mind the Spanish, as long as you put the meaning in brackets, like you do in this chapter. This is an interesting chapter, where you describe the beauty of Leya, the growing interest in Steven, and the suspense of Leya being in public too long. Good job, Barbara,
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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I really don't mind the Spanish, as long as you put the meaning in brackets, like you do in this chapter. This is an interesting chapter, where you describe the beauty of Leya, the growing interest in Steven, and the suspense of Leya being in public too long. Good job, Barbara,
Comment Written 17-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Than you for your review.
Comment from nor84
"Lo siento." (I'm sorry.) Leya stared at the ground>>>to show the translation, just take out the parentheses and write I'm sorry in italics.
I don't advise using long paragraphs of Spanish, as it can be a turnoff. I use German sometimes, and even a word or two of Russian -- but it's best not to keep it brief.
I think you should cut 'overly' and just say, "Try not to look conspicuous." The adverb doesn't help -- either the man's conspicuous, or he isn't. There can be no comparatives, i.e., he can't look "a little" conspicuous.
"Who could miss that round little ass in the short skirt?" he whispered. Wishing he didn't know it wasn't fully covered. >>>I think it's better without 'wishing he didn't know it wasn't fully covered.' What he wonders next is more effective.
You need to hurry. All you need are >>>close repeat of 'need', which is used again when she replies.
Needs a slight edit.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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"Lo siento." (I'm sorry.) Leya stared at the ground>>>to show the translation, just take out the parentheses and write I'm sorry in italics.
I don't advise using long paragraphs of Spanish, as it can be a turnoff. I use German sometimes, and even a word or two of Russian -- but it's best not to keep it brief.
I think you should cut 'overly' and just say, "Try not to look conspicuous." The adverb doesn't help -- either the man's conspicuous, or he isn't. There can be no comparatives, i.e., he can't look "a little" conspicuous.
"Who could miss that round little ass in the short skirt?" he whispered. Wishing he didn't know it wasn't fully covered. >>>I think it's better without 'wishing he didn't know it wasn't fully covered.' What he wonders next is more effective.
You need to hurry. All you need are >>>close repeat of 'need', which is used again when she replies.
Needs a slight edit.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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In my manuscript I use italics but when I cut and paste for posting the italics doesn't transfer. I've tried numerous times to download the advanced editor, but I use McAfee and it won't let me download, so I settled for this. I only have a few Spanish phrases, there in one more at the end of this chapter and not another phrase until the end of the book.
Thank you for your review and I'm on my way to make the corrections.
Comment from Readywriter52
Steven and Leya are thrown together while she shops for new clothes. It's Steven's job to protect her. I think they are both trying to annoy each other.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Steven and Leya are thrown together while she shops for new clothes. It's Steven's job to protect her. I think they are both trying to annoy each other.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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I'm sure of that. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Mengleoh67
This is another excellent chapter, although I'm liking Leya's character a lot less than I did in the other chapters. She seems sort of mean/nasty in this chapter. I think that's just personal taste though because the character interaction and dialogue is smooth and believable and works to move the storyline along well.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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This is another excellent chapter, although I'm liking Leya's character a lot less than I did in the other chapters. She seems sort of mean/nasty in this chapter. I think that's just personal taste though because the character interaction and dialogue is smooth and believable and works to move the storyline along well.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Leya has a little problem, once she works it out, she will be sweet again. She does have an agenda for Steven. Thank you for your review.
Comment from PrincessinPurple
This story is very intresting I am going to have to go back and read the rest of the story to see what I have missed.
I did not see any errors. Keep up the great writing.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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This story is very intresting I am going to have to go back and read the rest of the story to see what I have missed.
I did not see any errors. Keep up the great writing.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
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Your welcome!
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It's not a problem.
Comment from L.lora
typo= ""I'd like to see [of] the rest of that tattoo," he whispered."
Barbara, you've handled the language situation beautifully, don't stress about it. Actually, the interjection of the spanish phrases sort of spice it up a notch, most enjoyable. This as did the others, moves through the situations with ease. Your characters have remained believeable, that I really appreciate and by the last sentenc, they are very human.. *smile* good for you. No nits but the typo...everything in place, a great read and now I'll have to wait again.. Have a great evening. Lora
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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typo= ""I'd like to see [of] the rest of that tattoo," he whispered."
Barbara, you've handled the language situation beautifully, don't stress about it. Actually, the interjection of the spanish phrases sort of spice it up a notch, most enjoyable. This as did the others, moves through the situations with ease. Your characters have remained believeable, that I really appreciate and by the last sentenc, they are very human.. *smile* good for you. No nits but the typo...everything in place, a great read and now I'll have to wait again.. Have a great evening. Lora
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Thank you and I will take care of that of immediately. It's done.
Comment from RebelRose
Another good chapter. I have enjoyed following this story. I find it to be well written and interesting. I saw no errors.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Another good chapter. I have enjoyed following this story. I find it to be well written and interesting. I saw no errors.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kinds words.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Another interesting and well written post, Barbara.
Minor comments:
The waistband of her (demin) skirt puckered at the small of her back revealing the top of butterfly wings perching on the light blue thong now visible > denim
After this (post post) there's only one more sentence of Spanish until the end > duplicate words
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Another interesting and well written post, Barbara.
Minor comments:
The waistband of her (demin) skirt puckered at the small of her back revealing the top of butterfly wings perching on the light blue thong now visible > denim
After this (post post) there's only one more sentence of Spanish until the end > duplicate words
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Thank you. You're the only one that caught that little mistake. I wonder why my spell check didn't catch the denim, darn thing. I'll fix the author's notes, too.
Comment from Begin Again
I'd like to see of the rest of that tattoo
Barbara
Sexual without being explicit....well done. I could feel Steven's level of comfort shrinking second by second. You did an excellent job in this chapter.
Carol
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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I'd like to see of the rest of that tattoo
Barbara
Sexual without being explicit....well done. I could feel Steven's level of comfort shrinking second by second. You did an excellent job in this chapter.
Carol
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Thank you and the extra of is already taken care of. I appreciate you continued support.
