Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 1 Part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
35 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This is another well- written chapter, full of suspense. I was engaged from beginning to end. I do not see any SPAG's. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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This is another well- written chapter, full of suspense. I was engaged from beginning to end. I do not see any SPAG's. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Barbara, I'm lagging with all my private readings. I loved this descriptive chapter with all the tension and action going on. Boy, but we have a wad of new Task Force members with whom to acquaint.
Well written. Not a gremlin to spy. luv jada
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Hi Barbara, I'm lagging with all my private readings. I loved this descriptive chapter with all the tension and action going on. Boy, but we have a wad of new Task Force members with whom to acquaint.
Well written. Not a gremlin to spy. luv jada
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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I already have novels written on some of them and a few just notes.
Comment from adewpearl
I cannot even begin to imagine the panic one would feel at finding their five hour old baby is missing, but you help me imagine it better through your description of their reactions to this most frightening and horrible event. Now, of course, I am intrigued at the woman who claims to know the infant's whereabouts. This is one heart wrenching and dramatic chapter. Brooke
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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I cannot even begin to imagine the panic one would feel at finding their five hour old baby is missing, but you help me imagine it better through your description of their reactions to this most frightening and horrible event. Now, of course, I am intrigued at the woman who claims to know the infant's whereabouts. This is one heart wrenching and dramatic chapter. Brooke
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from mjfande
An excellent second chapter. I love how you leave the suspense at the end like you did with the first one. Everything flowed very nicely, and I spotted no mistakes. I can't wait to read more of this book.
Good luck in the book, and in your writing.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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An excellent second chapter. I love how you leave the suspense at the end like you did with the first one. Everything flowed very nicely, and I spotted no mistakes. I can't wait to read more of this book.
Good luck in the book, and in your writing.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. My next post had an equally suspenseful ending. I hope you like it.
Comment from Belinda
This is a double review, chapter one and two. I hope you don't mind. Things are getting somewhere here, compared to the 'foundation' chapter. I like the way you write, the clarity of your language, and the plot of the story. I rarely review books as I just joined FS after all the books are halfway. I hope I can continue reading yours, Barbara.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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This is a double review, chapter one and two. I hope you don't mind. Things are getting somewhere here, compared to the 'foundation' chapter. I like the way you write, the clarity of your language, and the plot of the story. I rarely review books as I just joined FS after all the books are halfway. I hope I can continue reading yours, Barbara.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I hope you can continue reading also.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi, I'd suspected a kidnapping incident, poor Dani. Check these suggestions:
-As he glanced to his left, large, dark brown[,] penetrating eyes stared at him. - don't think you need that comma.
-Matt, Joe, and Steven recognized the voice crying out and ran to the nursery[.]
-"Nobody took her." The nurse stood over the incubator.
I thought the scene jumps here. Maybe have the nurse walk over to the incubator to check.
-When the pediatrician entered, he stared at the nurse. "The infant's in her incubator." [When she wasn't - awkward here], he rubbed the back of his neck
When the pediatrician entered, he stared at the nurse. "The infant should be in her incubator." Upon noting the baby's absence, he rubbed the back of his neck
-"Someone accidentally placed her in the wrong incubator." - this sounds as if he found the baby in another incubator. Try:
"Someone could have accidentally placed her in the wrong incubator."
-"I'm sorry Miss, but you're in the wrong room. This is a private room." [Joe slowly released a deep breath]. - this part doesn't quite match the situation. One usually releases a breath when in relief. Maybe something like:
Joe observed her with wary eyes. (just an example)
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Hi, I'd suspected a kidnapping incident, poor Dani. Check these suggestions:
-As he glanced to his left, large, dark brown[,] penetrating eyes stared at him. - don't think you need that comma.
-Matt, Joe, and Steven recognized the voice crying out and ran to the nursery[.]
-"Nobody took her." The nurse stood over the incubator.
I thought the scene jumps here. Maybe have the nurse walk over to the incubator to check.
-When the pediatrician entered, he stared at the nurse. "The infant's in her incubator." [When she wasn't - awkward here], he rubbed the back of his neck
When the pediatrician entered, he stared at the nurse. "The infant should be in her incubator." Upon noting the baby's absence, he rubbed the back of his neck
-"Someone accidentally placed her in the wrong incubator." - this sounds as if he found the baby in another incubator. Try:
"Someone could have accidentally placed her in the wrong incubator."
-"I'm sorry Miss, but you're in the wrong room. This is a private room." [Joe slowly released a deep breath]. - this part doesn't quite match the situation. One usually releases a breath when in relief. Maybe something like:
Joe observed her with wary eyes. (just an example)
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Thank you. I get right on them. Again, I appreciate your help.
Comment from Laidy
i think i remember reading about this topic, maybe an earlier post. i loved the story line. aren't all the hits related to drugs, sex, or alcohol? great job!
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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i think i remember reading about this topic, maybe an earlier post. i loved the story line. aren't all the hits related to drugs, sex, or alcohol? great job!
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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I appreciate your review. You're right without drugs,sex or alcohol we wouldn't have anything to write about.
Comment from L.lora
Your off and running, excellent start. Now let them complain that you didn't get into the action quick enough, you set the scenes just right, everything fell into place as it should and as it could really have happened. Yes, your apostrophe stayed where it is suppose to..*smile*. Could find no nits or make any suggestions at this point, well done. Lora
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Your off and running, excellent start. Now let them complain that you didn't get into the action quick enough, you set the scenes just right, everything fell into place as it should and as it could really have happened. Yes, your apostrophe stayed where it is suppose to..*smile*. Could find no nits or make any suggestions at this point, well done. Lora
Comment Written 03-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
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Thank you. I'm happy I haven't disapointed you.
Comment from Arkine
Every parents nightmare, especially since the baby was in an incubator. I couldn't even imagine how I'd feel. Matt's taking it very well, maybe a little too well? I would expect more emotion out of him, but he's also a highly trained person so maybe he can keep it in check. Not that more emotion would do any good, it's just human nature.
No errors that I saw. Great job!
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
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Every parents nightmare, especially since the baby was in an incubator. I couldn't even imagine how I'd feel. Matt's taking it very well, maybe a little too well? I would expect more emotion out of him, but he's also a highly trained person so maybe he can keep it in check. Not that more emotion would do any good, it's just human nature.
No errors that I saw. Great job!
Comment Written 02-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
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Matt's training prohibits him from showing too much emotion. My first novel explains his training, since he's a secondary character here, I didn't want to spend a lot of time. He and Dani will only have bit parts after Dani leaves the hospital.
Comment from Readywriter52
Dani was right. Her baby is missing. They turned the hospital upside down trying to find the baby but nothing. Their only hope is a mysterious woman who claims to know where the baby is.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
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Dani was right. Her baby is missing. They turned the hospital upside down trying to find the baby but nothing. Their only hope is a mysterious woman who claims to know where the baby is.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate you taking the time to read. Thank you.