Comment from rhymelord

Excellent

Dear Sue, Another evocative and interesting piece with excellent rhyme structure. A nit pick, I'm afraid. I find the line "In unknown territory, then changed gears" awkward to say without forcing a pause after "territory". I know you have a comma there, but I still can't get it. It could well be that other readers have no problem at this point, but I am just being, apologetically, honest. Could you consider a minor change to, for example:
"In unknown places, so I just changed gears"

Regards
Reg

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009

The only problem I had was "then changed gears". So I changed it to "In unknown territory, shed with tears". I've been skiing a lot and if you get on the wrong run, you are lost! So, the word "places" can't work in regards to the mountain. Maybe if I put a hyphen there, what do you think?? Or do you think it reads better with my change? You can nit pick all you want. I love honest reviews. Has been the only way I have learned and will continue to learn. So I really appreciate your candor. Have another read when you have time and let me know what you think. Perhaps I'll put a hyphen there now and see what it looks like. Again thank you for your review and honesty. With regards, Sue

reply by rhymelord on 10-Feb-2009

Sue,
It reads a lot better, but now I don't know what "shed with tears" means or relates to. What about "filled with tears" or "blind with tears" or even a switch to " # # years"???. Of course only you can decide what you wish to say here.

Regards, Reg

PS I don't have a clue what that "double-diamond black" thingy is either. I now presume it is some incredibly challenging ski gismo, or is it a rattle snakey thing, or even the Dark Side of a two of diamonds. Maybe, for idiots like me, a note could help.
Regards,
Reg

reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009

I do like "filled with tears". It's basically about me being on an easy ski run, getting lost on the run and no way down except the steepest way possible. A black diamond run is tough! A double-black is almost vertical. Yikes!

So, if I say, I've gotten lost up there in unknown territory and show that I am scared, "filled with tears", then that makes sense. Because after that line, I go on to say that I dared my self to take the double-black.

I really appreciate your immense help on this piece. Going to go back to the drawing board in that stanza and see what happens. But, thank you for helping me!!

With warm regards,
Sue

Comment from becky7777

Excellent

very nice form of poetry and the flow is great. we all need to challange ourselfs even if in dreams. inspiring poem.
Becky

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

Comment from joan marie

Excellent

So many obstacles but so much to learn from them. If we let ourselves. You write minimalisly and I have always liked that. You get right to the point. joan marie

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2009

I'm not one to mince words! HA!! Thanks so much for your review. :-)) Sue

Comment from Joan E.

Excellent

The picture you chose embodies the epitome of freedom. You are a brave lady to have even thought about "skied the mountain top" and the "double diamond black"--very fresh phrases--and then the greatest challenge of Everest. You've had your moments in the sun completing other life's journeys.

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

Sue, I so do not dream of climbing cold, rocky mountains! LOL
I am so happy to hear you have an adventurer's spirit but have not been so foolish as to try these particular things out - your concluding couplet about the obstacles you have overcome is quite meaningful. You're right, we don't have to engage in spectacular deeds of daring to be proud of those hardships and challenges in life we have met head on. Brooke

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2009

Well, I have skied a black diamond, but not a double one!! Yikes!! Yeah, we don't have to go out begging for feats to surmount. They are right here in our homes! LOL! Thanks for your great review, Brooke. Now go back to writing some more naughty poems! :-)) Sue

Comment from MJMuraco

Excellent

This was a great poem about reaching for the sky. You did a nice job with rhythm and making the poem flow. I loved the photo of jumping along the beach with arms up and I could feel the enthusiasm. Nice work.

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

Comment from Annelisa

Excellent

Very enjoyable read. I love the imagery you painted with your words. The victorious, triumph ending was an uplifting pleasure. Well done. Annelisa

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 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2009

Annelisa, so glad you enjoyed this poem. And thank you very much for your kind review and compliments. Regards, Sue

Comment from jaeladarling

Excellent

Oh no, you mentioned the "i" word! LOL Those pentameters confused me in high school, and I never got over it. :p

Anyway, some poems are worth commenting on just for the member dollars, but yours are worth every star and comment for the sheer joy of content and imagery. I wish I had an extra sixer for you, but I already used mine for this week.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem with us!

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 Comment Written 09-Feb-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2009

Jaela, the "i" word is something so many fear. Just think "sing-song". Ha! Your compliments go straight to my heart! Thank you so much for your most generous review. Always....Sue