What You Don't Know
A surprise during a meeting in a moonlit park.37 total reviews
Comment from Evilyn Sang
This is a very well-written story. I really liked that the story started out with Brandon's desire to see Nicolette, but then becomes almost revolted when he finds out what she is. It adds a twist to the story that other vampiric stories I've read don't have. Good luck in the contest and keep on writing!
Regards,
Elise
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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This is a very well-written story. I really liked that the story started out with Brandon's desire to see Nicolette, but then becomes almost revolted when he finds out what she is. It adds a twist to the story that other vampiric stories I've read don't have. Good luck in the contest and keep on writing!
Regards,
Elise
Comment Written 01-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2008
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Thank you very much.
Comment from angels blue eyedgirl
Loved it red. As always terrific. I got a real feel for the character of Nicolette, I could easily picture her in my mind. her feelings especially rang out and I was right there with her. Brandon wasn't quite as descriptive, but his emotions were. I liked the fic though and would read more if you did more with it.
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Loved it red. As always terrific. I got a real feel for the character of Nicolette, I could easily picture her in my mind. her feelings especially rang out and I was right there with her. Brandon wasn't quite as descriptive, but his emotions were. I liked the fic though and would read more if you did more with it.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
Comment from vertigo50
This was an interesting piece, but it needs some prunning in my opinion. See my "Rules for Writers" that I posted on this site. They are from various books on writing, and they really helped me.
You wrote:
?What, no vampire boyfriends?? Brandon hated the snide tone in his voice, but he felt betrayed.
You are telling the reader, rather than showing him.
Better: Brandon raised his eyebrows. "What, no vampire boyfriends?"
The reader will know from the question that the tone is "snide."
Rule: Always assume that the reader is smarter than you are.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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This was an interesting piece, but it needs some prunning in my opinion. See my "Rules for Writers" that I posted on this site. They are from various books on writing, and they really helped me.
You wrote:
?What, no vampire boyfriends?? Brandon hated the snide tone in his voice, but he felt betrayed.
You are telling the reader, rather than showing him.
Better: Brandon raised his eyebrows. "What, no vampire boyfriends?"
The reader will know from the question that the tone is "snide."
Rule: Always assume that the reader is smarter than you are.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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I appreciate the valuable advice. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from ktartandude
This is a good story very well written. It flows very well and is comfortable to read.
I can make no suggestions on improving it. It seems pretty good as it is. The ending, in particular, is very good with him having struggled over making the decision and then deciding to go further even than she was expecting of him by joining her kind.
One thing did strike me as questionable in terms of grammar, and I'm not sure if it's technically correct or not. During the flashback to when they had met, the narrative begins in the past perfect tense ("They had met one evening...") but then falls into the simple past tense ("...he was much later than usual...") before reverting back to the past perfect once more at the end of the flashback ("Brandon had looked into...").
I'm not sure if this would make for uncomfortable reading if it were all in the past perfect. Perhaps so, therefore it may be better left as is. A thought for your consideration, nonetheless.
A good story, anyhow. Well done.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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This is a good story very well written. It flows very well and is comfortable to read.
I can make no suggestions on improving it. It seems pretty good as it is. The ending, in particular, is very good with him having struggled over making the decision and then deciding to go further even than she was expecting of him by joining her kind.
One thing did strike me as questionable in terms of grammar, and I'm not sure if it's technically correct or not. During the flashback to when they had met, the narrative begins in the past perfect tense ("They had met one evening...") but then falls into the simple past tense ("...he was much later than usual...") before reverting back to the past perfect once more at the end of the flashback ("Brandon had looked into...").
I'm not sure if this would make for uncomfortable reading if it were all in the past perfect. Perhaps so, therefore it may be better left as is. A thought for your consideration, nonetheless.
A good story, anyhow. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2008
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hehe, it was originally all past perfect until someone else suggested the change. Just another example of the subjective nature of reading. Thanks for the great review.
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I was actually going to pm you regarding the point I made about the past perfect. I read a very helpful piece yesterday on tips for writers by somebody on here. I think it was called 'Every Word is NOT Sacred.'
In it, the author makes reference to flashbacks, and mentions to do it exactly as you did, so it appears you were exactly correct in the way you did it.
Apologies for bringing it up. It's a learning process for us all, isn't it :)
Comment from carolm5415
Whew. Never having been up close and personal with a vampire I'm not sure what to make of this! Very well written. Brandon is a brave young man or is he just thinking with his lower brain? God did give men two brains you know - but just enough blood to get to one of them at a time! Lol.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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Whew. Never having been up close and personal with a vampire I'm not sure what to make of this! Very well written. Brandon is a brave young man or is he just thinking with his lower brain? God did give men two brains you know - but just enough blood to get to one of them at a time! Lol.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2008
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hehe, thanks so much, carol, glad you enjoyed it
Comment from amadan01
I thought this was pretty good. There is just the right amount of suspense from the very beginning. I also like the way the revelation and Brandon's reaction was handled. It wasn't too much (Back, you bitch of Satan!) or too little (gee, babe, well I know we can work with that). The only thing that bothered me in the slightest is the very last couple of lines. It does need to be communicated to the reader, but I think in a different way, something more intimate. But over all, a very fine story I thought.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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I thought this was pretty good. There is just the right amount of suspense from the very beginning. I also like the way the revelation and Brandon's reaction was handled. It wasn't too much (Back, you bitch of Satan!) or too little (gee, babe, well I know we can work with that). The only thing that bothered me in the slightest is the very last couple of lines. It does need to be communicated to the reader, but I think in a different way, something more intimate. But over all, a very fine story I thought.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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More intimate? Hmmm, not sure how to accomplish that, but I will think about it. Thank you very much for the great review.
Comment from empire76
Only thought here is that I'd like to see a continuation.LOL
I enjoyed the story very much. It has a good flow and you don't waste words as you narrate.
- They think we?re freaks.?
Funny
- In the end it was all the things he did know about her that made up his mind.
I liked this line
Empi
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Only thought here is that I'd like to see a continuation.LOL
I enjoyed the story very much. It has a good flow and you don't waste words as you narrate.
- They think we?re freaks.?
Funny
- In the end it was all the things he did know about her that made up his mind.
I liked this line
Empi
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Thanks, empi! Glad you enjoyed and the continuation comment made me smile. Someone else suggested this would make a good novel.
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LOL. Definitely should be longer. It could even be a short novel but at this point we definitely want to know what hapens next.
E
Comment from Showboat
Hey Red,
Truly super. Beautiful, descriptive words drew me into the story right from the beginning.
Moonlight filtered through the leaves, dappling the ground and making the shadows deeper.... Be-U-tiful! Really!
His reaction to her announcement is absolutely perfect, very real life.
This is such a tiny nit, but...."he tried to grasp what she was telling him."
Okay....was telling, very passive and we can improve.
How about..."grasp her words.." That little par. has too many "she's". You might want try some interior dialogue...something like..."oh, I don't want to do this but there's no other way to convince him. ??? Just an idea, use or lose.
Great philosophical question here, by the way.
This is an excellent piece of short story writing, a distince start, middle and end...and the end, thal about open.
Red, this is excellent, you have my vote in the contest.
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Hey Red,
Truly super. Beautiful, descriptive words drew me into the story right from the beginning.
Moonlight filtered through the leaves, dappling the ground and making the shadows deeper.... Be-U-tiful! Really!
His reaction to her announcement is absolutely perfect, very real life.
This is such a tiny nit, but...."he tried to grasp what she was telling him."
Okay....was telling, very passive and we can improve.
How about..."grasp her words.." That little par. has too many "she's". You might want try some interior dialogue...something like..."oh, I don't want to do this but there's no other way to convince him. ??? Just an idea, use or lose.
Great philosophical question here, by the way.
This is an excellent piece of short story writing, a distince start, middle and end...and the end, thal about open.
Red, this is excellent, you have my vote in the contest.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Well, thank you so much Gayle. I really appreciate the awesome review. I will def fix that part with the passive voice--my biggest downfall!--and look at the crowd of 'she's. You rock!
Comment from c_lucas
You lure the reader into your story as suptle as luring a new lover into intimacy. This is well written with gentle flow of words that leads to a smooth read. Good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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You lure the reader into your story as suptle as luring a new lover into intimacy. This is well written with gentle flow of words that leads to a smooth read. Good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Thanks so much, c. I appreciate the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it.
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you/re welcome.
Comment from auswag
Hi redrider6612,
I must confess, vampire stories are off my chart, but it is impossible to ignore how strong and eloquent your descriptions are. In my view they are outstanding.
Leaving the more helpful reviews to others, I did notice one small correction that seems in order. 'She fit in his arms perfectly, neither too tall or too short, the missing piece to his puzzle.' Perhaps, 'She fitted..' Good luck with the contest. auswag
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Hi redrider6612,
I must confess, vampire stories are off my chart, but it is impossible to ignore how strong and eloquent your descriptions are. In my view they are outstanding.
Leaving the more helpful reviews to others, I did notice one small correction that seems in order. 'She fit in his arms perfectly, neither too tall or too short, the missing piece to his puzzle.' Perhaps, 'She fitted..' Good luck with the contest. auswag
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Wow, thank you so much for the kind words and the nit, though I don't agree with it. "Fitted" doesn't sound right to me.
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Hi, redrider.
Good heavens. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I was right with 'fit or fitting'. Perhaps see what the other reviewers have to say, because I am not too strong on grammar.
Ps My comments on your descriptive talents are sincere. There are few who could match your skill in this area I feel. Each description flows freely with no feeling of being forced and that strength makes the story an excellent read.
