Just Desserts
The jungle hides many sins.24 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very well done. Good work.
The only question I had was Coy moving to Brazil. Did he speak Portuguese as well as English and Spanish?
Amber being worse than Coy is a nice twist.
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reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Very well done. Good work.
The only question I had was Coy moving to Brazil. Did he speak Portuguese as well as English and Spanish?
Amber being worse than Coy is a nice twist.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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You are correct,Sir! I added a line to catch that . Thank you!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Perfection. Using a sneaky little bland picture. Your writing was so involving, I just followed wherever you led. He was so narcissistic. His personality absorbed me. Extremely good work. Karen
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Perfection. Using a sneaky little bland picture. Your writing was so involving, I just followed wherever you led. He was so narcissistic. His personality absorbed me. Extremely good work. Karen
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you for the sweet sixer, Karen. I thought this might be a little too dark to win, but so far so good. You are always so very supportive! Hope all is well.
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I thought at first how naughty you were. You wrote so fiendishly, It was so raw and visceral I cringed, but I kept reading. This writing was marvelous. Pat yourself on the back. Karen
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Everybody needs a spanking every now and then, Karen. But I made sure that Coy got his just Desserts in the end.
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Only bare handed dear :-)
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Butt of course.
(You see what I did there?)
Comment from karenina
Yikes! Congratulations on a spine chilling story!
(And I thought you were such a nice man!)
That so much of Coy is based on your interaction with Froude makes this another whole level of terrorizing!
Metaphorically I delighted that Amber morphed into the animal in control...and you wrote her transformation brilliantly.
I rarely attempt to dive into suggestions for prose, as I realize my shortcomings...
Yet I was so taken with this story, Doug, forgive my awkward attempt at suggestions below...
Maybe there will be one or two things you'll see fit to consider.
If not, know I am invested enough to try!
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Question: The story began with him in a cabin...
Further on you write:
"He made his way to the abandoned cabin a few hours later and waited."
I'm unclear what transpired here.
He relocated to another cabin?
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Note:
"He was born as Wayne Muller," (I think you could eliminate the "as")
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"Coy was in his late thirties and had dark black hair and bore a five 'o'clock shadow."
Tighten it up by eliminating the first "and"
"Coy was in his late thirties, had dark black hair, and bore a five o'clock shadow"
(Isn't all black hair dark?)
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"he never gave it much further thought."
maybe choose much or further but not both?
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"but when talking the locals picked up on his dialect immediately, which identified him as a foreigner. "
how about "but when the locals heard his dialect they immediately identified him as a foreigner"
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"only this time he finished the sexual act with her in a dark alleyway."
"sexual act" seems too detached.
This perv calls it as it is!
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"That was when he grasped the realization that nobody cared ..."
How about "that was when he realized nobody cared..."
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"and dead seventeen-year-old girl photos were slid across the table."
Maybe "photos of the dead seventeen-year-old were slid across the table..."
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"A few other discoveries were that the boat pilot left each night, for at least a half-hour, to collect firewood."
Maybe, "He observed that the boat pilot..."
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"He would dominate her so completely until she.."
Maybe eliminate "so"
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"He had to pass through a small grove of trees"
How about "He passed through..."
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Check spelling-
"He would never masterbate". (masturbate)
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I'm way out over my skis!
This hooked me fast and reeled me in!
Karenina
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Yikes! Congratulations on a spine chilling story!
(And I thought you were such a nice man!)
That so much of Coy is based on your interaction with Froude makes this another whole level of terrorizing!
Metaphorically I delighted that Amber morphed into the animal in control...and you wrote her transformation brilliantly.
I rarely attempt to dive into suggestions for prose, as I realize my shortcomings...
Yet I was so taken with this story, Doug, forgive my awkward attempt at suggestions below...
Maybe there will be one or two things you'll see fit to consider.
If not, know I am invested enough to try!
--
Question: The story began with him in a cabin...
Further on you write:
"He made his way to the abandoned cabin a few hours later and waited."
I'm unclear what transpired here.
He relocated to another cabin?
----
Note:
"He was born as Wayne Muller," (I think you could eliminate the "as")
----
"Coy was in his late thirties and had dark black hair and bore a five 'o'clock shadow."
Tighten it up by eliminating the first "and"
"Coy was in his late thirties, had dark black hair, and bore a five o'clock shadow"
(Isn't all black hair dark?)
-----
"he never gave it much further thought."
maybe choose much or further but not both?
----
"but when talking the locals picked up on his dialect immediately, which identified him as a foreigner. "
how about "but when the locals heard his dialect they immediately identified him as a foreigner"
----
"only this time he finished the sexual act with her in a dark alleyway."
"sexual act" seems too detached.
This perv calls it as it is!
-----
"That was when he grasped the realization that nobody cared ..."
How about "that was when he realized nobody cared..."
----
"and dead seventeen-year-old girl photos were slid across the table."
Maybe "photos of the dead seventeen-year-old were slid across the table..."
----
"A few other discoveries were that the boat pilot left each night, for at least a half-hour, to collect firewood."
Maybe, "He observed that the boat pilot..."
----
"He would dominate her so completely until she.."
Maybe eliminate "so"
-----
"He had to pass through a small grove of trees"
How about "He passed through..."
------
Check spelling-
"He would never masterbate". (masturbate)
----
I'm way out over my skis!
This hooked me fast and reeled me in!
Karenina
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, dear friend! I incorporated many of these changes and am hoping your fixes send me smiling into victory while stomping out my adversaries at every turn while howling with glee!!!
Okay, maybe just a high five will do.
Thank you!
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Ha ha ha....
I suffer from prose imposter syndrome and worried you would be thinking, "Who the devil dog does she think she is?"
Still!
I loved your story and wanted to try to offer some suggestions!
May fives and sixes be with you!
May I hear you howling!
:)
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I will never turn down constructive help! Especially from you, my friend. For some reason I miss a lot of errors in my own works. Ha!
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Me too. Odd, that!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, beautiful and intense story with a happy ending, well not for the monsters, but what goes around comes around. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Wow, beautiful and intense story with a happy ending, well not for the monsters, but what goes around comes around. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2023
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Thank you, Iza! We shall see how it does! Appreciate the Six Stars!
