Miranda's Trouble In Paradise
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Over Easy"Miranda tries to find Dougie.
22 total reviews
Comment from Daisy Tiarks
Hi, I like the back and forth- what if you swap the dialogue and descriptions in the first part for a different pace? e.g.:
*I open the paper napkin and spread it across my lap. "What's up with you?" I ask.*
**"What's up with you?" I ask as I spread the paper napkin across my lap.**
*My stomach seems to draw up like a coin purse. "Are you breaking up with me?"*
**"Are you breaking up with me?" My stomach draws up like a coin purse.**
**"No. Why in the world would you think something like that?"** [he sputters]
*I bite my lip. Despite my being wrong about his intentions, he's up to something. And, if he's scared to tell me, I'm definitely nervous to hear it. "You're acting all nervous. It's not a good look on you, Mitch."*
**"You're acting all nervous. It's not a good look on you, Mitch." I bite my lip. He's up to something. And, if he's scared to tell me, I'm definitely nervous to hear it.**
also, chop some?:
"I study the yolk on my egg. It's little dome perfect until I pop it with my fork."
The yolk on my egg is a little perfect dome until I pop it with my fork.
Rando suggestion:
continue naming as Dr:
**Carrie Tate says nothing. I let him wallow in silence for a few seconds before I decide to throw him a bone.**
*Dr. Carrie Tate is silent. I let [Mitch] wallow in silence for a few seconds before I decide to throw him a bone.*
Zero negativity, I like your writing, just suggestions -
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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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Hi, I like the back and forth- what if you swap the dialogue and descriptions in the first part for a different pace? e.g.:
*I open the paper napkin and spread it across my lap. "What's up with you?" I ask.*
**"What's up with you?" I ask as I spread the paper napkin across my lap.**
*My stomach seems to draw up like a coin purse. "Are you breaking up with me?"*
**"Are you breaking up with me?" My stomach draws up like a coin purse.**
**"No. Why in the world would you think something like that?"** [he sputters]
*I bite my lip. Despite my being wrong about his intentions, he's up to something. And, if he's scared to tell me, I'm definitely nervous to hear it. "You're acting all nervous. It's not a good look on you, Mitch."*
**"You're acting all nervous. It's not a good look on you, Mitch." I bite my lip. He's up to something. And, if he's scared to tell me, I'm definitely nervous to hear it.**
also, chop some?:
"I study the yolk on my egg. It's little dome perfect until I pop it with my fork."
The yolk on my egg is a little perfect dome until I pop it with my fork.
Rando suggestion:
continue naming as Dr:
**Carrie Tate says nothing. I let him wallow in silence for a few seconds before I decide to throw him a bone.**
*Dr. Carrie Tate is silent. I let [Mitch] wallow in silence for a few seconds before I decide to throw him a bone.*
Zero negativity, I like your writing, just suggestions -
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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Thank you for the suggestions. I am always up for helpful comments. Thank you for reading. Gretchen
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I really like Miranda... which is, obviously, a testament to your writing.
You made a good character of Dr. Carrie Tate.
You almost blew it with Mitch's shyness, taking Miranda right to the edge. I could see her leaving and not listening once on her feet.
Best wishes.
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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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I really like Miranda... which is, obviously, a testament to your writing.
You made a good character of Dr. Carrie Tate.
You almost blew it with Mitch's shyness, taking Miranda right to the edge. I could see her leaving and not listening once on her feet.
Best wishes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2023
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You're probably right about Miranda not listening. She would be stubborn about it, for sure. Glad you enjoy her character. Gretchen