The Red Door
Do you dare step through the Red Door? Some do.26 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I like the story. Nice characters.
linked to Ab - oops
His momentum broken he viewed - not sure about the rule, but I'd slap a comma after 'broken'.
What one does for a story he thought. - same as above. Comma after 'story'?
Why not he thought. - ditto (maybe it's me???)
have been painted red.? - oops
lock of the doors.? - oops
of humor but I do remind you, - needs a comma after 'humor'.
enquiries - (inquiries)
noticing the stare of Tom: - a period would work here
and emphasised - Here would be a good place to stick that colon, I think.
Tom was puzzled " Surely, someone would notice where you went to after your shop. '" - Comma after 'puzzled'. Don't need the comma after 'Surely' (no matter what Word says). You instead of 'your' would be better. And you don't need the single quote after 'shop'.
psychologist " muttered Tom. - needs a comma
Tom was intrigued". Your protectors?. - Tom was intrigued. "Your protectors?"
A three -legged dog.. - extra space in the hyphenated word. And an extra period
A story there was and he was eager - comma or even a semicolon after 'was'
What was this ?. - no period
Sorry about only four stars for a very nice story, but as you can see, there is a bit of work to be done.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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I like the story. Nice characters.
linked to Ab - oops
His momentum broken he viewed - not sure about the rule, but I'd slap a comma after 'broken'.
What one does for a story he thought. - same as above. Comma after 'story'?
Why not he thought. - ditto (maybe it's me???)
have been painted red.? - oops
lock of the doors.? - oops
of humor but I do remind you, - needs a comma after 'humor'.
enquiries - (inquiries)
noticing the stare of Tom: - a period would work here
and emphasised - Here would be a good place to stick that colon, I think.
Tom was puzzled " Surely, someone would notice where you went to after your shop. '" - Comma after 'puzzled'. Don't need the comma after 'Surely' (no matter what Word says). You instead of 'your' would be better. And you don't need the single quote after 'shop'.
psychologist " muttered Tom. - needs a comma
Tom was intrigued". Your protectors?. - Tom was intrigued. "Your protectors?"
A three -legged dog.. - extra space in the hyphenated word. And an extra period
A story there was and he was eager - comma or even a semicolon after 'was'
What was this ?. - no period
Sorry about only four stars for a very nice story, but as you can see, there is a bit of work to be done.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2023
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Wayne,
Thanks for the review and also the comments re many thaings to be rectified. I will sit down tomorrow and go through all of those and see if I cannot improve my chances. I still have a couple of days to edit.
Thanks again and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from giraffmang
Well, the towns people thought so - townspeople can be a single word here.
In the opening few paragraphs, instead of juts describing the building and garden, you could have Tom move through the scene and introduce the description more organically. Actually you go on to do this a few paragraphs later. With this being the case, I would remove the telling description of the second sentence entirely. In essence you tell us what it's like and then go on to show us. Don't do both. I'd opt for the organic way Tom experiences it as he moves through the scene every time.
Was there a clue, was there something left behind.?- you have double punctuation at the end here. I'd delete the period and leave the question mark.
he pulled up in his classical Chevrolet.- this doesn't tell the reader much. You don't need to describe the car as it isn't germane and could just say since he'd parked. if you want to have the added colour, give the make and model as this could be anything.
and unsurprisingly it resisted his first tug. His momentum broken he viewed the home more closely - watch out for adverb usage, especially pairing them close together. It makes them stand out more and can expose a weakness in verb choice.
His hand reached out and the doorknob filled his fist. - I'm not sure of this description using fist - a clenched hand.
Had no one broken the lock of the doors.?- double punctuation again. Also, logically, if there were broken windows, why bother with forcing the door. Windows are far easier to enter and leave by for would-be intruders.
Hi there,
Some good stuff in here and the pacing works well. I think you have the bones of a good tale (which can be developed further with the open-ending conclusion)
There are a few things you might want to take a look at and I made some notes as I read through -
Run through again, checking for double punctuation. It tends to happen when ending with a ?, there's no need for a period beforehand. There are more instances but I've stop pointing them all out. You can check for yourself if so inclined.
I really think you could push the envelop of this piece much further in terms of mood and atmosphere. They can play a much larger role in creating a truly eerie tone.
In dialogue when it's a direct addressment, put a comma before the names.
Daily Globe. A good paper for the most part. Why would you need a story about this house.? - double punctuation and missing closing speech marks.
he was still tentative about Hanks real intentions. - Hank's.
Hanks rather deformed half face was not a help for his confidence. - Hank's. Also this seems a bit forced in description at this point. Maybe the mention of Hank's face should come earlier. It would make more sense and aid Tom's feeling unrest and unease.
An acid attack by a rather mixed up individual. But enough of that, let the tour begin"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks. A period.
Finally, Hank lifted his index finger from the map and emphasised - need a comma after emphasised. Also the dialogue here could come straight after without the need for a new paragraph.
Tom was puzzled " Surely, someone would notice where you went to after your shop. '"- need a period after puzzled.
Check your punctuation around the dialogue. Frequently there is missing punctuation before the closing speech marks. there always needs to be some form of punctuation there.
Also check the dialogue for closing speech marks as there are quite a few missing.
Blood lust here does the rest. But not many people do come this far."- maybe Bloodlust
You were out to it for over an hour. - out of it.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Well, the towns people thought so - townspeople can be a single word here.
In the opening few paragraphs, instead of juts describing the building and garden, you could have Tom move through the scene and introduce the description more organically. Actually you go on to do this a few paragraphs later. With this being the case, I would remove the telling description of the second sentence entirely. In essence you tell us what it's like and then go on to show us. Don't do both. I'd opt for the organic way Tom experiences it as he moves through the scene every time.
Was there a clue, was there something left behind.?- you have double punctuation at the end here. I'd delete the period and leave the question mark.
he pulled up in his classical Chevrolet.- this doesn't tell the reader much. You don't need to describe the car as it isn't germane and could just say since he'd parked. if you want to have the added colour, give the make and model as this could be anything.
and unsurprisingly it resisted his first tug. His momentum broken he viewed the home more closely - watch out for adverb usage, especially pairing them close together. It makes them stand out more and can expose a weakness in verb choice.
His hand reached out and the doorknob filled his fist. - I'm not sure of this description using fist - a clenched hand.
Had no one broken the lock of the doors.?- double punctuation again. Also, logically, if there were broken windows, why bother with forcing the door. Windows are far easier to enter and leave by for would-be intruders.
Hi there,
Some good stuff in here and the pacing works well. I think you have the bones of a good tale (which can be developed further with the open-ending conclusion)
There are a few things you might want to take a look at and I made some notes as I read through -
Run through again, checking for double punctuation. It tends to happen when ending with a ?, there's no need for a period beforehand. There are more instances but I've stop pointing them all out. You can check for yourself if so inclined.
I really think you could push the envelop of this piece much further in terms of mood and atmosphere. They can play a much larger role in creating a truly eerie tone.
In dialogue when it's a direct addressment, put a comma before the names.
Daily Globe. A good paper for the most part. Why would you need a story about this house.? - double punctuation and missing closing speech marks.
he was still tentative about Hanks real intentions. - Hank's.
Hanks rather deformed half face was not a help for his confidence. - Hank's. Also this seems a bit forced in description at this point. Maybe the mention of Hank's face should come earlier. It would make more sense and aid Tom's feeling unrest and unease.
An acid attack by a rather mixed up individual. But enough of that, let the tour begin"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks. A period.
Finally, Hank lifted his index finger from the map and emphasised - need a comma after emphasised. Also the dialogue here could come straight after without the need for a new paragraph.
Tom was puzzled " Surely, someone would notice where you went to after your shop. '"- need a period after puzzled.
Check your punctuation around the dialogue. Frequently there is missing punctuation before the closing speech marks. there always needs to be some form of punctuation there.
Also check the dialogue for closing speech marks as there are quite a few missing.
Blood lust here does the rest. But not many people do come this far."- maybe Bloodlust
You were out to it for over an hour. - out of it.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Thanks so much for your very helpful comments. I will be working through your suggestions and getting the story into better shape. There is certainly an opportunity to take the story further.
Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Very interesting indeed!
Some catches:
"My name is Hank Lincoln and I am not aiming to hurt you in any way Mister Hart."
" Call me Tom. I like informal Hank. Your welcoming skills may need some work though."
(Two separate people speaking needs to be two separate paragraphs.)
"Seems you are bit of a psychologist " muttered Tom.
"Yes I am a bit, well I will say a whole lot. The red door provided some real opportunity to study people's reaction.
(Same as above)
Minor fixes. Great read!
D
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Very interesting indeed!
Some catches:
"My name is Hank Lincoln and I am not aiming to hurt you in any way Mister Hart."
" Call me Tom. I like informal Hank. Your welcoming skills may need some work though."
(Two separate people speaking needs to be two separate paragraphs.)
"Seems you are bit of a psychologist " muttered Tom.
"Yes I am a bit, well I will say a whole lot. The red door provided some real opportunity to study people's reaction.
(Same as above)
Minor fixes. Great read!
D
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Doug,
Thanks again for your helpful comments. I will clean it up tonight.
Glad you enjoyed the read. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold
Comment from Paul McFarland
Is this the first chapter of a project, Barry? You certainly have the reader curious. The suspense and intrigue that you have introduced should help you do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Is this the first chapter of a project, Barry? You certainly have the reader curious. The suspense and intrigue that you have introduced should help you do well in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Thanks Paul,
Yes I am quite happy with the outcome. Maybe I do a follow up . Has potential for more. Have a great day and keep on writing.
Cheers
Barry
Comment from RodG
You have written a story that is intriguing but unfinished. Like Tom, this reader is curious about the grand house that appears abandoned. You do good job of characterizing Tom and the house's mysterious occupant Hank through dialog. Yes, I'm hooked and want to know what will happen next.
Rod
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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You have written a story that is intriguing but unfinished. Like Tom, this reader is curious about the grand house that appears abandoned. You do good job of characterizing Tom and the house's mysterious occupant Hank through dialog. Yes, I'm hooked and want to know what will happen next.
Rod
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Thanks for the review Rod. Yes there is some pressure to do a follow up. Will try to accommodate as soon as possible. Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Nicely done! Leaving it all up to the reader to take it from there rather than the writer spoon-feeding. This is a very well written and considered prose - great descriptive detail, good pace to the story and clearly set out text. Is he a ghost, Barry? His name rather indicates he might be related to Abe. Silly, of course he is! There are some very small edits: sentence starting 'Tom inched closer..' - Hank(')s; Well I mislead them (into) - but this is only dialogue so optional; para starting - No worries - you were out (of) it for over an hour. An excellent write and strong entry. Good luck! Debbie
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Nicely done! Leaving it all up to the reader to take it from there rather than the writer spoon-feeding. This is a very well written and considered prose - great descriptive detail, good pace to the story and clearly set out text. Is he a ghost, Barry? His name rather indicates he might be related to Abe. Silly, of course he is! There are some very small edits: sentence starting 'Tom inched closer..' - Hank(')s; Well I mislead them (into) - but this is only dialogue so optional; para starting - No worries - you were out (of) it for over an hour. An excellent write and strong entry. Good luck! Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2023
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Debbie,
Thanks for the review. I am glad you liked it. Some pressure for me to do a follow up and continue the story. I will think about it. Thanks for the hints to improve. Much appreciated.
Take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.