Tanka (golden afternoon)
Poetry34 total reviews
Comment from PoemsOfDD
This is a great tanka poem. I like how the first two lines -
sunbeams lean down to
sip summer's rippling puddles - grabs the reader instantly. It's the leaning down and sipping. So metaphorical which then walks the reader onto golden afternoons. A positive show that sees off the fading thunderclouds. This is a pleasurable and descriptive tanka :-)
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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This is a great tanka poem. I like how the first two lines -
sunbeams lean down to
sip summer's rippling puddles - grabs the reader instantly. It's the leaning down and sipping. So metaphorical which then walks the reader onto golden afternoons. A positive show that sees off the fading thunderclouds. This is a pleasurable and descriptive tanka :-)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much, DD. There is something about seeing the sun come out after a hard rain that just speaks to me :). Had to try to put it into words ~ LOL. Thanks again!
Melissa
Comment from Pantygynt
The essential two parts of this Tanka, the upper and lower poems, both stand out and merge together as one. So the central line, 'golden afternoons' makes an excellent pivot.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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The essential two parts of this Tanka, the upper and lower poems, both stand out and merge together as one. So the central line, 'golden afternoons' makes an excellent pivot.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Hi Jim... I thought of you as I was writing this and all of those Tankas you wrote a few years ago... fun times! Thank you for the lovely review!!
Melissa
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Yeah! 365 of them. Some of them were OK but a lot were not.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Wonderful tanka rich in imagery and nice presentation. Good syllables count and connection between lines.
I have a couple of suggestions. Also, the syllables count doesn't have to be 5-7-5-7-7 just 17 syllables or less
>>>>>>>>
sunbeams lean down *( to)
to sip summer's rippling puddles (dash here)
golden afternoons
stretch and wave lazily at
grumpy, fleeing thunderclouds
...............
sunbeams lean down
to sip summer's rippling puddles --
golden afternoons
stretch and wave lazily at
grumpy, fleeing thunderclouds
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
|
Wonderful tanka rich in imagery and nice presentation. Good syllables count and connection between lines.
I have a couple of suggestions. Also, the syllables count doesn't have to be 5-7-5-7-7 just 17 syllables or less
>>>>>>>>
sunbeams lean down *( to)
to sip summer's rippling puddles (dash here)
golden afternoons
stretch and wave lazily at
grumpy, fleeing thunderclouds
...............
sunbeams lean down
to sip summer's rippling puddles --
golden afternoons
stretch and wave lazily at
grumpy, fleeing thunderclouds
Comment Written 24-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Thanks Gypsy. I will look theses over. I always feel like I need to follow the traditional structure. I haven't ventured too far beyond that. I will have to stretch my wings and try the shorter versions. Much appreciated!
Melissa
Comment from juliaSjames
Hello Melissa
A thoroughly enjoyable tanka. I love the teasing playful personification and the effortless flow. The imagery is wonderful especially in the creative alliterative opening lines.
And as with all good writing, one can dip below the surface to discover layers of meaning. The message for me is to relax and allow the storms of life to pass on by.
Thanks for sharing this beauty.
Blessings, Julia
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Hello Melissa
A thoroughly enjoyable tanka. I love the teasing playful personification and the effortless flow. The imagery is wonderful especially in the creative alliterative opening lines.
And as with all good writing, one can dip below the surface to discover layers of meaning. The message for me is to relax and allow the storms of life to pass on by.
Thanks for sharing this beauty.
Blessings, Julia
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much, Marilyn. There is something about seeing the sun come out after a hard rain that just speaks to me :). Had to try to put it into words ~ LOL. Thanks again!
Melissa
Comment from Paul McFarland
Nice Tanka, Melissa. The picture goes really well with your poem. The first two lines are really strong and set up the remainder of the poem very nicely.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Nice Tanka, Melissa. The picture goes really well with your poem. The first two lines are really strong and set up the remainder of the poem very nicely.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2023
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Thank you very much, Paul. There is something about seeing the sun come out after a hard rain that just speaks to me :). Had to try to put it into words ~ LOL. Thanks again!
Melissa
Comment from lyenochka
Great use of alliteration and personification of sunbeams and thunderclouds in your tanka poem! I like the transition from sunny sipping to the grumpy thunderclouds. I guess the thunderclouds were upset that their hard work of rain was being sipped up.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Great use of alliteration and personification of sunbeams and thunderclouds in your tanka poem! I like the transition from sunny sipping to the grumpy thunderclouds. I guess the thunderclouds were upset that their hard work of rain was being sipped up.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Haha... a fun thought Helen. I was having fun characterizing Mother Nature and all of her glory.... but, there is just something about the sun coming out after a heavy rain that speaks to me :). Thank you.
Melissa
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Showing some meteorologist skills? Did you know thunder-bumpers scientifically are cumulus-nimbus and the higher they stretch the more likely their tops will blow off and you add with anvil to the previous term?
I was a Navy weather-geek for nine years.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Showing some meteorologist skills? Did you know thunder-bumpers scientifically are cumulus-nimbus and the higher they stretch the more likely their tops will blow off and you add with anvil to the previous term?
I was a Navy weather-geek for nine years.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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How fun to know these facts about the weather. Thank you Tom. I appreciate the shared knowledge and will always defer weather facts to you from now on :). LOL.
Melissa
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Anytime, yet it was September '74 when I left Fleet Weather Central.
Comment from Sally Law
Ah, you know I love a good Tanka! Yours is delightful, in free flowing thought. Sensory divine!
Sending you my best today as always, dear Melissa.
Sally XOs
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Ah, you know I love a good Tanka! Yours is delightful, in free flowing thought. Sensory divine!
Sending you my best today as always, dear Melissa.
Sally XOs
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Thanks so much, Sally! Hugs!
Melissa
Comment from Frank Malley
Five lines of carefully counted syllables using well-chosen and resonant verbs cooperate with selected nouns - sunbeams, gold sky, and grumpy thunderclouds - to animate a summer day. In the afternoon and morning, the sun's rays do "lean." In as much as its energy causes evaporation, the sun does "sip" at puddles which "ripple" from air movement or the vibration traffic causes the ground to experience. This tanka poem by Sugarray77 does it right and makes a moment with words into an experience.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Five lines of carefully counted syllables using well-chosen and resonant verbs cooperate with selected nouns - sunbeams, gold sky, and grumpy thunderclouds - to animate a summer day. In the afternoon and morning, the sun's rays do "lean." In as much as its energy causes evaporation, the sun does "sip" at puddles which "ripple" from air movement or the vibration traffic causes the ground to experience. This tanka poem by Sugarray77 does it right and makes a moment with words into an experience.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Thank you so much, Frank! I loved your review and how you spread it out with your perceptive thoughts. Such fun!! So glad you liked it!!
Melissa
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Be well, Melissa. Nice job! Frank
Comment from kahpot
What a beautiful Tanka, I love the image of sunbeam's leaning down for a sip, great alliteration, very well written with gorgeous artwork, very well presented****kahpot
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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What a beautiful Tanka, I love the image of sunbeam's leaning down for a sip, great alliteration, very well written with gorgeous artwork, very well presented****kahpot
Comment Written 23-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2023
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Hey there!! Thanks so much! I'm happy that you liked it!
Melissa