You missed
100 word dash26 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
the nose which is always nice.
!00 words right on
"Think, Sadie." She whispered - she, following speech tags are lower case unless a proper noun or name.
"You missed my heart, asshole!" She said above a whisper, - she.
Sadie is remarkably calm and pain-free it seems given there's a knife buried in her shoulder.
The mechanics of using that compound bow would have her in a lot of pain.
I get what you're going for here but it doesn't add up.
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Hi there,
the nose which is always nice.
!00 words right on
"Think, Sadie." She whispered - she, following speech tags are lower case unless a proper noun or name.
"You missed my heart, asshole!" She said above a whisper, - she.
Sadie is remarkably calm and pain-free it seems given there's a knife buried in her shoulder.
The mechanics of using that compound bow would have her in a lot of pain.
I get what you're going for here but it doesn't add up.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you, GMG for the awesome advice. I revised and reposted. If you would like to take a look I would be honored. Thank you.
God bless!
Comment from Bill Schott
This one-hundred-word story, You Missed, has the required word count, but I feel it is cobbled from a longer story which may help identify the stabee, the slob in the bathroom who may or may not be receiving a well-deserved arrow in the torso, and a bit of a reason why all this is happening.
I found this:
"Think, Sadie(,)" (s)he whispered...
"You missed my heart, asshole!" (s)he said...
When the dialog ends with a period and is joined with a speaker tag, the period reverts to a comma and the speaker tag completes the sentence.
On the same token, if the dialog ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, it remains that way, but the speaker tag word is lower case, as it is within the same sentence.
Happy day.
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reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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This one-hundred-word story, You Missed, has the required word count, but I feel it is cobbled from a longer story which may help identify the stabee, the slob in the bathroom who may or may not be receiving a well-deserved arrow in the torso, and a bit of a reason why all this is happening.
I found this:
"Think, Sadie(,)" (s)he whispered...
"You missed my heart, asshole!" (s)he said...
When the dialog ends with a period and is joined with a speaker tag, the period reverts to a comma and the speaker tag completes the sentence.
On the same token, if the dialog ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, it remains that way, but the speaker tag word is lower case, as it is within the same sentence.
Happy day.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you, Bill, for the awesome help in this review. This is why I love this site. People like you who help one better their craft.
God bless!
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Nice job! I keep telling folks it is possible to tell an entire story in these few words -- and you just proved it. *smile*
Just a couple of clean up spots:
1.) "Think, Sadie(,)" (s)he whispered, noticing a knife buried deep in her left shoulder.
2.) "You missed my heart, asshole!" (s)he said above a whisper,
Here's my favorite (cut and paste) website to remind yourself about punctuation for dialogue. I have it bookmarked so I can return to it easily AND pass it on easily (like this). You may want to do that too.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Nice job! I keep telling folks it is possible to tell an entire story in these few words -- and you just proved it. *smile*
Just a couple of clean up spots:
1.) "Think, Sadie(,)" (s)he whispered, noticing a knife buried deep in her left shoulder.
2.) "You missed my heart, asshole!" (s)he said above a whisper,
Here's my favorite (cut and paste) website to remind yourself about punctuation for dialogue. I have it bookmarked so I can return to it easily AND pass it on easily (like this). You may want to do that too.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Robyn, you rock young lady! Thank you for the awesome review and much needed help. The website will be well used.
God bless!
Comment from papa55mike
You need to make sure she's dead before searching the room. I love the twist and the cliffhanger. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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You need to make sure she's dead before searching the room. I love the twist and the cliffhanger. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Something they never seem to do in horror flick's lol. Thank you for the awesome review, my friend.
God bless
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Oh my goodness! Revenge is sweet and this violent struggle ended in at least one death. I was on the edge of my seat here, good luck with the contest, my life flashed before me here, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Oh my goodness! Revenge is sweet and this violent struggle ended in at least one death. I was on the edge of my seat here, good luck with the contest, my life flashed before me here, love Dolly x
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you for the awesome review, Dolly. I enjoyed trying to harness this one within 100 words.
God bless!
Comment from Fleedleflump
An interesting scene from a thriller story with a good sense of place and character. I enjoyed reading it, but think it might be more powerful without the conclusion - it could end when she releases the arrow, leaving us to wonder whether she was successful.
spag notes:
'Sadie grabbed the bow sliding the arrow into place. She held the bow with her feet pulling it back with her right hand.' - need commas after 'bow' and 'feet'
'Sadie's eyes opened, scanning the room in silence; her vision blurred.' - the last bit feels like wasted words as it doesn't add anything. Perhaps 'Sadie's eyes opened, scanning the blurry room in silence.'
Just a thought - I very much enjoyed.
Mike
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reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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An interesting scene from a thriller story with a good sense of place and character. I enjoyed reading it, but think it might be more powerful without the conclusion - it could end when she releases the arrow, leaving us to wonder whether she was successful.
spag notes:
'Sadie grabbed the bow sliding the arrow into place. She held the bow with her feet pulling it back with her right hand.' - need commas after 'bow' and 'feet'
'Sadie's eyes opened, scanning the room in silence; her vision blurred.' - the last bit feels like wasted words as it doesn't add anything. Perhaps 'Sadie's eyes opened, scanning the blurry room in silence.'
Just a thought - I very much enjoyed.
Mike
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you for the awesome review and suggestions. I have revised this on a bit if you don't mind looking it over once more.
God bless!
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It reads much better now - I can see you've done a thorough redraft. It's a great little scene :-)
Mike