The Killing Wall
Ready... Aim... Listen37 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
I'm glad you survived to tell the tale, a visceral one at that. In the olden days, they only decimated the prisoners. Nine out of ten seems excessively barbarous! I'd have pissed myself, too.
I'm no soothsayer but wouldn't be surprised to see this one take a prize.
In any event, I've awarded it a sixth star. Well deserved.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2020
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I'm glad you survived to tell the tale, a visceral one at that. In the olden days, they only decimated the prisoners. Nine out of ten seems excessively barbarous! I'd have pissed myself, too.
I'm no soothsayer but wouldn't be surprised to see this one take a prize.
In any event, I've awarded it a sixth star. Well deserved.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2020
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Tony, six stars from you is truly an honor! Thank you so much. And for your prognostication! Keep stirring the pot and toss in an extra newt's tongue.
Comment from Gloria ....
Oh my land, Jay. This is one powerful write. I very much like how you showed us right from start how the prisoners were facing forward against a wall with hands bound behind their back.
And how remarkable clever Socrates quote, because you wouldn't know if you were dead.
Wishing you much luck with the Contest Committee with this 75 word gem. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2020
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Oh my land, Jay. This is one powerful write. I very much like how you showed us right from start how the prisoners were facing forward against a wall with hands bound behind their back.
And how remarkable clever Socrates quote, because you wouldn't know if you were dead.
Wishing you much luck with the Contest Committee with this 75 word gem. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2020
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Ha! I'm glad you hit on the Socrates quote. It was so oddly placed in the prisoner's mind, but it seemed to belong in a mind stricken with panic. Thank you so much for your validation, Gloria.
Comment from juliaSjames
This is really an amazing write. I'm not into the subject matter but good writing is good writing regardless.
Couple of possible nits.
"My wrists bound behind, I trace pocks in the wall."
Suggest
"Wrists bound behind me, I trace pocks in the wall."
"I listen intensely."
Suggest
"I listen intently"
Love the "Socrates" quote. Just like that the reader gets into the terrified mind of your protagonist..
Best of luck in the contest.
Stay safe
Blessings Julia
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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This is really an amazing write. I'm not into the subject matter but good writing is good writing regardless.
Couple of possible nits.
"My wrists bound behind, I trace pocks in the wall."
Suggest
"Wrists bound behind me, I trace pocks in the wall."
"I listen intensely."
Suggest
"I listen intently"
Love the "Socrates" quote. Just like that the reader gets into the terrified mind of your protagonist..
Best of luck in the contest.
Stay safe
Blessings Julia
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much, Julia. Readers have been split down the middle between intensely vs. intently. I've gotta say, I prefer the emotionality of intensely.
I just might change the first line as you suggested.
Again, I'm so privileged to have your input.
I may very well change
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Whatever reviewers suggest, your gut tells you what decision to make. It's all good.
Stay safe
Julia
Comment from Cynthia Adams1
I very much like the beginning line. It brings us right into the action and uses a touch image (feeling the pocks on the wall.) I often lament that we writers love to use sight images but few do much work with images related to the other senses. There are five or six senses all told, aren't there! :)
You do a good job placing the reader in the action. I can almost smell the sweat.
The urine smell is nasty but appropriate. I can go another week without hearing about urine again, but this smell image definitely added to the realism.
"Fish gulp" is a good adjective.
I think "listening intently" is a strong way to end it...the anticipation of being murdered is at least as bad, or worse than the deed.
For some reason, I find it rather easy to imagine your face behind the blindfold...don't know why:)
Terrific job.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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I very much like the beginning line. It brings us right into the action and uses a touch image (feeling the pocks on the wall.) I often lament that we writers love to use sight images but few do much work with images related to the other senses. There are five or six senses all told, aren't there! :)
You do a good job placing the reader in the action. I can almost smell the sweat.
The urine smell is nasty but appropriate. I can go another week without hearing about urine again, but this smell image definitely added to the realism.
"Fish gulp" is a good adjective.
I think "listening intently" is a strong way to end it...the anticipation of being murdered is at least as bad, or worse than the deed.
For some reason, I find it rather easy to imagine your face behind the blindfold...don't know why:)
Terrific job.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Thanks a lot, Cynthia! I'm a pretty good guy. I don't deserve to have you imagine me behind the blindfold. LOL. Now, let me really thank you for the six lovely stars. Chartreuse is my favorite color here.
Strange you should mention "listening intently" as the last line. Strange because someone else said I should have considered using intently. Actually, though, I used "intensely." Do you think intently is better?
Once again, thank you so much for the six and the wonderful, constructive criticism.
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I think you should you whatever the Hell word you want, you're the poet :) Intensely, to me implies emotion. Whereas intently is more rational and cerebral.
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I agree with you, but I thrive on well-intentioned suggestions.
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I was saying it tongue in cheek.
I agree with you. Suggestions are how we grow. I could probably use more. But in the end, following instinct is good too.
Hope you and yours have a nice Thanksgiving.
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You too, my dear!
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Quite the cliff-hanger! Did he hear the shot? Will we ever know? These provocative stories set our minds to wondering and thinking about how awful it would be to be in such a situation.
Ralf
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Quite the cliff-hanger! Did he hear the shot? Will we ever know? These provocative stories set our minds to wondering and thinking about how awful it would be to be in such a situation.
Ralf
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Yes, it would be horrible, wouldn't it, Ralf. The stuff that nightmares are made of. Thanks for reading, my friend, and your kind remarks.
Comment from Irish Rain
Wow.
I can't imagine being in either
position here, the bound, or the armed.
This is so wonderfully written, and
suspenseful....it HAS to win.
I loved it!!
Blessings....
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Wow.
I can't imagine being in either
position here, the bound, or the armed.
This is so wonderfully written, and
suspenseful....it HAS to win.
I loved it!!
Blessings....
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Such kind words, Judy. So happy you enjoyed reading it. We'll have to wait and see what the judges think.
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If I were a judge....you'd win!! Happy tomorrow!!
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
I enjoyed your firing squad flash fiction in exactly 75 words. I learned a while back that hyphenated words count as one word.
You can't imagine what it's like unless it happened to you. And believe it or not, I had a rifle pointed at me once. Some years back, I was at Darrell Liston's camp on the thoroughfare between Round and Nelson lakes. We had breakfast, and then headed out for a deer hunt, making our way (first) to Belvidere Lake. Roly Palmer and I took one route north towards Ready Pond. Darrell and Blaine Anderson took another route towards Ready Mountain. We knew we'd hit the Pond before Darrell & Blaine, and we did. Roly and I made our way to a small bump of land in the middle of the bog, and waited, hoping Darrell and Blaine would scare a buck our way. We talked a bit, sitting there in the open, watching intently. Suddenly, we noticed a hunter on the far side of the Pond. He was on the Ready Mountain Trail. (We knew it was over there.) Whoever it was had hunter orange on, carrying a rifle. We could tell that he came off the road to the edge of the bog, and he gave us a wave. We waved back. And he walked back to the road. We looked away from the lone hunter to the east where Darrell & Blaine should soon show up. Then back to the hunter, still moving along the road. All of a sudden, he moved to the edge of the bog again. But this time, he put the rifle up and aimed it right at us! I was up in a flash, hollering at Roly to do the same! "He's aiming at us!" We couldn't get away. We were right out in the open, and he had a clear shot! It scared us to death, and we told Darrell & Blaine about it when they finally came along. The man was trying to see who we were, looking through his scope. What a thing to do! That's how people get shot in the woods! It may not have meant anything to him. But it ruined hunting for me after that. I quit hunting when I was 33 years old. Every time I was out in the woods in deer season, I always felt like someone was aiming a rifle at me.
I like your line,
"If you hear the shot, yours was the blank."
It's no wonder they were pissing their pants, knowing a second later a bullet was going to tear your heart and lungs apart.
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Hi Jay,
I enjoyed your firing squad flash fiction in exactly 75 words. I learned a while back that hyphenated words count as one word.
You can't imagine what it's like unless it happened to you. And believe it or not, I had a rifle pointed at me once. Some years back, I was at Darrell Liston's camp on the thoroughfare between Round and Nelson lakes. We had breakfast, and then headed out for a deer hunt, making our way (first) to Belvidere Lake. Roly Palmer and I took one route north towards Ready Pond. Darrell and Blaine Anderson took another route towards Ready Mountain. We knew we'd hit the Pond before Darrell & Blaine, and we did. Roly and I made our way to a small bump of land in the middle of the bog, and waited, hoping Darrell and Blaine would scare a buck our way. We talked a bit, sitting there in the open, watching intently. Suddenly, we noticed a hunter on the far side of the Pond. He was on the Ready Mountain Trail. (We knew it was over there.) Whoever it was had hunter orange on, carrying a rifle. We could tell that he came off the road to the edge of the bog, and he gave us a wave. We waved back. And he walked back to the road. We looked away from the lone hunter to the east where Darrell & Blaine should soon show up. Then back to the hunter, still moving along the road. All of a sudden, he moved to the edge of the bog again. But this time, he put the rifle up and aimed it right at us! I was up in a flash, hollering at Roly to do the same! "He's aiming at us!" We couldn't get away. We were right out in the open, and he had a clear shot! It scared us to death, and we told Darrell & Blaine about it when they finally came along. The man was trying to see who we were, looking through his scope. What a thing to do! That's how people get shot in the woods! It may not have meant anything to him. But it ruined hunting for me after that. I quit hunting when I was 33 years old. Every time I was out in the woods in deer season, I always felt like someone was aiming a rifle at me.
I like your line,
"If you hear the shot, yours was the blank."
It's no wonder they were pissing their pants, knowing a second later a bullet was going to tear your heart and lungs apart.
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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What a story you had to tell, Kimbob. And the irony is that he probably never gave it a second thought. Wow! I would give up hunting too. Hey, thanks for reading and finding relevance in the story.
Comment from royowen
I'm wondering how Socrates knew, if he lived 400BC, heh heh, good one Jay, I guess we'd have ask a person who's been shot...and lived. Heh heh. This is brilliant my friend, well done, Jay, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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I'm wondering how Socrates knew, if he lived 400BC, heh heh, good one Jay, I guess we'd have ask a person who's been shot...and lived. Heh heh. This is brilliant my friend, well done, Jay, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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You know, Roy, I wonder how many people read the Socrates part without questioning its ill-logic. The original version, before I started whacking out words had, right after the Socrates reference, "Or was it Aristotle." But that was four words!
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Well done
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, this is scary stuff indeed and so well presented in just seventy-five words. It's an usual story told in such a short flash. Very well done and good luck in the contest. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Hi Jay, this is scary stuff indeed and so well presented in just seventy-five words. It's an usual story told in such a short flash. Very well done and good luck in the contest. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Thank you, Ulla! I'm really kind of a happy fella.
Comment from Mastery
Outstanding presentation Jay. well written with the pacing on the firing line from beginning to the certain end for somebody.
Clever way you presented it though, Jay. Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Outstanding presentation Jay. well written with the pacing on the firing line from beginning to the certain end for somebody.
Clever way you presented it though, Jay. Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Muchas gracias, Bob. The six is lovely. Chartreuse is my favorite color here.
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You are entirely welcome my friend. Bob