Down the rabbit hole
Time travel isn't always fun22 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Earl, this is a great story and it's very well written. Fancy that, you went to war with Davy Crockett, and you even came back with a souvenir. I liked it and good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
  |
Hi Earl, this is a great story and it's very well written. Fancy that, you went to war with Davy Crockett, and you even came back with a souvenir. I liked it and good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
-
Thank you Ulla. I don' go anywhere without getting a souvenir. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from damommy
Excellent job with this story. It was very realistic, right down to the dialogue. Good touch in the end with the rabbit's foot in his pocket. Good luck in the contest. This should be very well. 8-)
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
|
Excellent job with this story. It was very realistic, right down to the dialogue. Good touch in the end with the rabbit's foot in his pocket. Good luck in the contest. This should be very well. 8-)
Comment Written 04-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
-
Thank you, not bad for my first one. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was very good, Earl, I especially loved the ending when he found the rabbit foot the Davy Crockett gave him, was in his Levis pocket. But, we both know time-travel is possible, don't we, my friend? lol. Well done, this is an excellent contest entry. Good luck! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
|
That was very good, Earl, I especially loved the ending when he found the rabbit foot the Davy Crockett gave him, was in his Levis pocket. But, we both know time-travel is possible, don't we, my friend? lol. Well done, this is an excellent contest entry. Good luck! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 04-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
-
Of course time travel is possible. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from papa55mike
This is a wonderfully written tale of meeting your hero in real life. Who knows, maybe time travel is through the mind and not physical. Please look it over one more time, there are a couple of periods out of place.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
|
This is a wonderfully written tale of meeting your hero in real life. Who knows, maybe time travel is through the mind and not physical. Please look it over one more time, there are a couple of periods out of place.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 04-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
-
Thank you for reading and reviewing my work. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Comment from eltwelve
Well that was very enjoyable to read. Flowed smoothly for easy reading and well written. I had excitement, chuckles and holding my breath waiting for what next. Great work
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
 |
Well that was very enjoyable to read. Flowed smoothly for easy reading and well written. I had excitement, chuckles and holding my breath waiting for what next. Great work
Comment Written 04-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
-
Thank you. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Oceanna Sands
Excellent story. I could see myself there at the Alamo with your character and Davy Crockett. I would be proud to take second place to this story, though I won't be sad with first.
Oceanna
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
|
Excellent story. I could see myself there at the Alamo with your character and Davy Crockett. I would be proud to take second place to this story, though I won't be sad with first.
Oceanna
Comment Written 03-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
-
Thank you. This was actually the first piece I wrote on Fanstory. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Lance Polin
Oh come on! Yours is very cool. It doesn't even have to be a time travel story. I have noticed you have an affinity for westerns and clearly like dialectic language. This is great. Nice work.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
|
Oh come on! Yours is very cool. It doesn't even have to be a time travel story. I have noticed you have an affinity for westerns and clearly like dialectic language. This is great. Nice work.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
-
Thanks. This was my very first piece on Fanstory. I grew up reading Louis LaMour and watching Fess Parker playing Daniel Boone, so yeah I kind of veer towards westerns. Thank-you for the five star rating. Looking forward to more of your writing.
Comment from kiwijenny
I liked your travel....I just couldn't get over the calm...would you be that calm knowing you were going to be killed...and a few seconds before you were playing a video game?
I liked the bee passing your ear...
God bless
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2018
|
I liked your travel....I just couldn't get over the calm...would you be that calm knowing you were going to be killed...and a few seconds before you were playing a video game?
I liked the bee passing your ear...
God bless
Comment Written 30-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2018
-
thank you for your kind words
Comment from RodG
You had me hooked as soon as I knew we were at the Alamo facing sure Death from the Mexican Army. I really like how you characterized Davy Crockett and Colonel Travis. I do have questions however. Who was the narrator replacing in time? I assume he was as no one questioned his suddenly being among them. I also would like more explanation of how and why he time traveled. You skim over it in a single sentence regarding video games. But overall the story was well told and showed you have done some research on the topic of the Alamo. Thus the five star rating.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2018
|
You had me hooked as soon as I knew we were at the Alamo facing sure Death from the Mexican Army. I really like how you characterized Davy Crockett and Colonel Travis. I do have questions however. Who was the narrator replacing in time? I assume he was as no one questioned his suddenly being among them. I also would like more explanation of how and why he time traveled. You skim over it in a single sentence regarding video games. But overall the story was well told and showed you have done some research on the topic of the Alamo. Thus the five star rating.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2018
-
The narrator wasn't replacing anybody. he could have traveled back to a past life or was it a dream? I did gloss over how he went back in time because I was trying to keep the length close to 1,000 words. Thank you for the great rating, not bad for my first attempt.
-
Not bad at all, Earl. But I have learned from experience competing here on FanStory to use a few extra words if there is not a word limit. It can make all the difference when the voting starts and you have nothing to lose here if you add words. Rod
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You need to rework your opening. The line can't be added to but you've clearly done that here so it runs the risk of outright disqualification. As it's a site competition you won't be notified about it either. The line needs to end with a full stop / period after possible.
It may also be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for any dialogue helps to make a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen (it's something of a convention on site too). Also, many folk simply skip over blocks of unbroken text.
A bee buzzed past my ear then I realized rather than a bee it, was a musket ball - move the comma to after bee. You may also need another one following ball.
"Aw shit," I thought to myself. Then the realization hit me, "I'm in the Alamo!"- it may be an idea to use the single marks to denote thought to differentiate it from dialogue, although as you're using the tags, you could dispense with marks altogether.
"You all right young'un, you look a little peaked," Crockett asked me. - should probably have a question mark in here.
I'm getting' low on powder - no need for the mark following getting as there is no contraction.
You have a tendency to not include question marks when a question is asked. It's best to include them.
I would suggest another read through for missing punctuation around the dialogue, missing question marks and most importantly alter the opening.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2018
 |
Hi there,
You need to rework your opening. The line can't be added to but you've clearly done that here so it runs the risk of outright disqualification. As it's a site competition you won't be notified about it either. The line needs to end with a full stop / period after possible.
It may also be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for any dialogue helps to make a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen (it's something of a convention on site too). Also, many folk simply skip over blocks of unbroken text.
A bee buzzed past my ear then I realized rather than a bee it, was a musket ball - move the comma to after bee. You may also need another one following ball.
"Aw shit," I thought to myself. Then the realization hit me, "I'm in the Alamo!"- it may be an idea to use the single marks to denote thought to differentiate it from dialogue, although as you're using the tags, you could dispense with marks altogether.
"You all right young'un, you look a little peaked," Crockett asked me. - should probably have a question mark in here.
I'm getting' low on powder - no need for the mark following getting as there is no contraction.
You have a tendency to not include question marks when a question is asked. It's best to include them.
I would suggest another read through for missing punctuation around the dialogue, missing question marks and most importantly alter the opening.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2018
-
Thanks for the pointers. Do I need a space between each paragraph?
-
Probably best to
