Fear in a Cave
A Galloping Denturn Poem37 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
WOW! You told a great story, Yvonne. Great job with the rhymes, the imagery, the meter, the picture, & the overall appearance. This sounded great read aloud. Thanks for the notes. I have to admit I understand just a little of them. But that doesn't distract from you awesome poem. I'm like the way readers can imagine what there is in that cave with them. Thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
  |
WOW! You told a great story, Yvonne. Great job with the rhymes, the imagery, the meter, the picture, & the overall appearance. This sounded great read aloud. Thanks for the notes. I have to admit I understand just a little of them. But that doesn't distract from you awesome poem. I'm like the way readers can imagine what there is in that cave with them. Thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
A million thanks for this awesome review. I'm so happy you like it.
Comment from evesayshi
In my opinion, a stunning write in every way, regardless of its form - the beauty is in the write for me, and I appreciate the smooth flow in its rhyming rhythm and the tentative outcome of its story. I was totally absorbed by the tale, and formed my own conclusion, as recommended by the writer of this outstanding work...
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
In my opinion, a stunning write in every way, regardless of its form - the beauty is in the write for me, and I appreciate the smooth flow in its rhyming rhythm and the tentative outcome of its story. I was totally absorbed by the tale, and formed my own conclusion, as recommended by the writer of this outstanding work...
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for this wonderful review. I'm so glad you saw what I intended. I thought the ending should be up to the reader. I'm glad you think so, too.
-
You are so welcome, Yvonne, and yes, I wholeheartedly agree - this is a truly inspired write...Eve
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written and very interesting poem you have penned. You used a very interesting format style also. You used great descriptive words and very good imagery with the art work. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
 |
This is a very well written and very interesting poem you have penned. You used a very interesting format style also. You used great descriptive words and very good imagery with the art work. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you, Teri.
Comment from judiverse
What excellent word choices you've used. "Whittled from stone by the rusty dull blades of time" is just one. Excellent rhyme, too. It reads very smoothly. You really capture the narrator's terror. Who knows what was pursuing the narrator, but it's certainly frightening. Spelling alert: It's successful, like the ending on hopeful. It sounds like a bad dream to me, the feeling of having someone or something chasing you. judi
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
What excellent word choices you've used. "Whittled from stone by the rusty dull blades of time" is just one. Excellent rhyme, too. It reads very smoothly. You really capture the narrator's terror. Who knows what was pursuing the narrator, but it's certainly frightening. Spelling alert: It's successful, like the ending on hopeful. It sounds like a bad dream to me, the feeling of having someone or something chasing you. judi
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for this glowing review. And thanks for catching that typo. Sometimes I miss those things.
-
You're very welcome. Your poem did create kind of a nightmare feeling. Sometimes I have dreams like that. judi
Comment from rhonnie69
HELLO DAMOMMY: While this may not have actually happened to you....I see no end to this story. What I do see is the beginning of a story about a brave lady showing how she's clever enough to overcome. In spite of all that happened in a dark cave, you're here to show us what happened in there. And judging from the smile on your face...after all that happened, you are okay now. That is the most important thing. Your strength is that, "dark cave's," weakness. Therefore you are alive, and well. God bless you, Damommy. Cordially: rhonnie69.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
HELLO DAMOMMY: While this may not have actually happened to you....I see no end to this story. What I do see is the beginning of a story about a brave lady showing how she's clever enough to overcome. In spite of all that happened in a dark cave, you're here to show us what happened in there. And judging from the smile on your face...after all that happened, you are okay now. That is the most important thing. Your strength is that, "dark cave's," weakness. Therefore you are alive, and well. God bless you, Damommy. Cordially: rhonnie69.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for this delightful review. You'll make me blush. 8-) I appreciate your time in reviewing this. Thank you.
Comment from A. Willow Bends
AHHHHH! I want the ending. This is done very well. Thank you for the explanation of the poetry form. Very educational. I love what you have done here. Well, not the cliffhanger bit, but to leave it to the reader . . . genius! Very nicely done with the photo to match. Highly creative. Fantastic and I have no sixes left to award.
Good Luck!
Wendy
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
AHHHHH! I want the ending. This is done very well. Thank you for the explanation of the poetry form. Very educational. I love what you have done here. Well, not the cliffhanger bit, but to leave it to the reader . . . genius! Very nicely done with the photo to match. Highly creative. Fantastic and I have no sixes left to award.
Good Luck!
Wendy
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
I'd rather have this nice review than any six. Thank you so much, Wendy. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Yvonne,
Wow - another new poetic form. But, since this one uses a very complex meter, I doubt I will be trying it anytime soon.
But, you have certainly given me a great example to work from. I love this little poem, and how you left it for the reader to end the tale.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
Hi, Yvonne,
Wow - another new poetic form. But, since this one uses a very complex meter, I doubt I will be trying it anytime soon.
But, you have certainly given me a great example to work from. I love this little poem, and how you left it for the reader to end the tale.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you, Patty. I'm glad you like the ending. I was afraid it was a bit limp. You must try one. It's not to bad once you get started.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Yavonne. What is so striking about your Dentxurn poem is the rapid fire use of images coupled with the use of very strong verbs which when combined together render this fine read. Thanks for sharing, my friend. :) Bob
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
Hi, Yavonne. What is so striking about your Dentxurn poem is the rapid fire use of images coupled with the use of very strong verbs which when combined together render this fine read. Thanks for sharing, my friend. :) Bob
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you, Bob. This is true critique, and I appreciate it.
Yvonne
Comment from Pantygynt
Someone has been paying attention in class I see! Dactylic metre is the very devil to do really well because we naturally want to end our lines on a strong beat and the dactyl doesn't do that. If you you think of ending your lines with feminine endings you are part of the way there, so lines 1, 3, 5 & 7 work better than 2, 4, 6 & 8, which want to end on a stressed beat.
Fully anapaestic lines that you are working in the second half require two unsressed syllables at the start and this can prove tough as you found in the final stanza. I want to stress 'deep' in the final stanza and 'breathing DEEP' might have been a safer start. The last line gets a bit crossed with the metre too:
'And the ending, dear reader, I'll leave up to you' might fit the galloping gait more neatly, but this is a brave attempt at a difficult metrical form so you keep your five stars here.
I suggest you offer this to Jan as a form for the potlatch!
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
Someone has been paying attention in class I see! Dactylic metre is the very devil to do really well because we naturally want to end our lines on a strong beat and the dactyl doesn't do that. If you you think of ending your lines with feminine endings you are part of the way there, so lines 1, 3, 5 & 7 work better than 2, 4, 6 & 8, which want to end on a stressed beat.
Fully anapaestic lines that you are working in the second half require two unsressed syllables at the start and this can prove tough as you found in the final stanza. I want to stress 'deep' in the final stanza and 'breathing DEEP' might have been a safer start. The last line gets a bit crossed with the metre too:
'And the ending, dear reader, I'll leave up to you' might fit the galloping gait more neatly, but this is a brave attempt at a difficult metrical form so you keep your five stars here.
I suggest you offer this to Jan as a form for the potlatch!
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for this wonderful critique. I'll save it and do better the next time. It was something I'd started a while back and put on hold until now.
I'll address those issues you mentioned in my next attempt.
-
Of course, I pay attention in class. LOL. I'd like to do some repeats of the ones we had - meter, poetic devices, etc.
Comment from Robbie Yates
Ooh - a poem where you leave the reader in suspense (and in control) - very clever! I like your use of imagery, and your command of rhyme is excellent. Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
|
Ooh - a poem where you leave the reader in suspense (and in control) - very clever! I like your use of imagery, and your command of rhyme is excellent. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for such a compliment. I appreciate it.
