THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Pondria Leaves the Theater"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
I tried to sign up but they tell me they cannot locate my account. I tried twice but it apparently doesn't like me. Sorry. I will try again and see what happens. I will save this until next week when I get my NEW glasses. I had cataract surgery and had to wait a month for my eye to heal before getting the glasses. What a pain!
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
  |
I tried to sign up but they tell me they cannot locate my account. I tried twice but it apparently doesn't like me. Sorry. I will try again and see what happens. I will save this until next week when I get my NEW glasses. I had cataract surgery and had to wait a month for my eye to heal before getting the glasses. What a pain!
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
-
Sasha, it's because I've already signed you up. Didn't you get Vol. I about a month ago? I'll send you the link for the two novelette bundle for your enjoyment. In the meantime, I know I've said this before, but don't forget to open up the newsletter coming in about a week. You're gonna get a huge kick out of one part of it. *wink* Agh, I never could pull off a good wink!
-
Thanks, I'll be sure to open it.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
I am really looking forward to reading your work in it's entirety, you will get an honest review from me, I am not a nit-picker but anything major I will definately let you know! Well done and good luck kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
|
I am really looking forward to reading your work in it's entirety, you will get an honest review from me, I am not a nit-picker but anything major I will definately let you know! Well done and good luck kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
-
Meia, now I am confused. Are you talking about the RSVP novel? You're part of the Book Launch Team and I sent you the PDF copy. It sounds like that's what you're referring to, but that you haven't got your copy. I'm going to email you the latest version of the PDF book. Even if you DID receive the first one, use this newer, fresher version with some of the minor distractions corrected. I'll send it in a few minutes.
Also, please DO open up your February Volume of "Sticky Words" Newsletter. I've tucked away a surprise in it and I just know you're gonna enjoy it. Now, off to send the PDF.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, great to see you back on the site, and with my favourite story. Pondria doesn't trust what Kyle is saying. Cant say I blame him. It's very well written, and I can't wait for the next installment. As a by de by. I'm still looking out for the monthly article you said you would be emailing. All the best. Ulla :))
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
Hi Jay, great to see you back on the site, and with my favourite story. Pondria doesn't trust what Kyle is saying. Cant say I blame him. It's very well written, and I can't wait for the next installment. As a by de by. I'm still looking out for the monthly article you said you would be emailing. All the best. Ulla :))
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
Hey, Ulla, thanks for the kind words. You've got me a bit confused about the "monthly article." Are you referring to the "sticky words" newsletter? I'm going to be posting it in about a week. Make sure you open it. I've got a surprise you won't want to miss. Do you mean you didn't get Vol. 1? That went out about a month ago. If you didn't get that one then the email address might be faulty. Please PM me your email address so I can compare it with the one I have. Okay? THanks again for reading the Trining chapter. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it.
Jay
Comment from RGstar
I am not used to the narrative, but I am still in awed how comfortable it is to immerse in one of your writings. It is not like reviewing, it is just as though reading for pleasure.
I must ask, was not Pondria a name I heard in that extraordinary novel you wrote when I first landed on FS?
Excellent writing.
My best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
I am not used to the narrative, but I am still in awed how comfortable it is to immerse in one of your writings. It is not like reviewing, it is just as though reading for pleasure.
I must ask, was not Pondria a name I heard in that extraordinary novel you wrote when I first landed on FS?
Excellent writing.
My best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
Hey, RG. I don't know when you first came to FS, but The Trining has a long history here, part one posting probably four or five years ago. You've complimented me highly with your kind words, for which I can't find adequate ones to thank you. You've warmed me, though.
While I have you here, RG, make sure you check your email box in about a week for Vol. II of "Sticky Words" Newsletter. I've got a bit of an audio surprise for you in it. I don't have your classically trained voice, but I manage to squeak through a narrative clip from my RSVP novel back-cover blurb. So please open and have a listen.
Jay
-
Will do. I am trying to get my Paypal sorted out as to be able to purchase a couple of author's books from FS. I so look forward to hearing that audio.
Best wishes
-
Great news!
Comment from robina1978
Lovely artwork that complements your chapter very well. They did not manage to kill Pondria, a monster. Then one weird thing after the other happened. Congratulations on your two books published. That must have been a lot of writing. No changes needed.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
Lovely artwork that complements your chapter very well. They did not manage to kill Pondria, a monster. Then one weird thing after the other happened. Congratulations on your two books published. That must have been a lot of writing. No changes needed.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
Thank you for your kind words, Robina, and the fine rating. By the way, I hope you grab that book bundle and subscribe to the newsletter. The next one, Vol. II posts in about a week and it has an audio surprise that should surpass the subscription price ... which is FREE. Here's the link again, which you'll have to paste into your browser: https://mailchi.mp/706b2a53cda6/sticky-words-by-jay-squires
Once again, thank you!
Jay
Comment from Dashjianta
Hi Jay,
Is good to see Pondria/Doctrex back again, although I had to go back and reread the last chapter to try to figure out what was going on. Am not still not sure about what invaded Rhuether though. The physical magic? Any chance of your posting a more detailed synopsis as a catch-up?
Doctrex's reality has taken a major shift in this chapter, and it appears Kyre's pulled him through the fresco into an altered reality. One where he and Axtilla escaped the palace and became farmers: though how they evaded captured and remained there for seven years cast a big cloud over the reality Kyre's created. Maybe something Doctrex will pick at later?
I wonder if a few memories could poke at Doctrex when the false Axtilla is explaining what happened to give her words more weight. Or maybe looking at his hands will give him half-memories of receiving the cuts. It would help add to the doubt at the end, give him reason to question what's real, if that's the intention.
Notes:
the whites were stretched to their limit in a sightless gaping.
--Not sure about this description. Are his eyes bulging, and that's why they're stretched? Or is just that they're open wide so more of the white is exposed? In which case the whites aren't really stretched. Also, you could delete 'were' to tighten without affecting the meaning.
the whites were stretched to their limit in a sightless gaping.
--Consider 'leaving' instead of 'and that left' or make this part a new sentence.
and his entire body was wracked in a fit of vibration.
--Should it be 'by a fit...'? Also, 'vibration' seems a weak word to use. Is there something more precise and stronger you could use instead?
fingers loosed from the rope of the bridge(,) and I began my fraction-of-a-second descent.
--Also, this is a quite a long sentence. Any way to break it up?
As General Doctrex, during a number of those uneventful nights in my tent,
--This paragraph breaks the tempo, pausing the action to tell the reader something which could have been shown in an earlier chapter. This would then allow you to slip in a single, short sentence referring back to those times in place of this para and keep the reader in the moment.
that settled its pressure just beneath my rib cage.
--I think this would be better as a new sentence. It feels a bit tacked on as it is.
Within darkness(,) I opened my eyes.
My eyes roved only that space they could take in without (my) moving my head.
--Otherwise it sounds like his eyes can move his head.
Good, if I need to I can make a dash for it later.
--Consider making 'good' a separate sentence for better flow.
I released my grip on the sheet and sent my hand to my side as stealthily as I could, feeling for a dagger, then realizing at the same time its folly.
--Should it be 'my folly'?
The slosh, as of water in a container, followed, then its flow as it was poured out.
--Suggest "A slosh". "The slosh" makes it seem like he expected the sound.
"I'd have woke you earlier, but oh! you were having night terrors as you never had before!"
--Be careful of overuse of exclamations. You have four in two short paragraphs here, and one is mid-sentence.
This couldn't be.
--Change to "This can't be" if it's direct thought.
"G-go away," I managed to free from my sobs.
--This tag made me pause a moment to decipher it. A simpler 'said between sobs' might work better.
rolling me to my back, then [the] (my) other side.
--Phrasing made me pause to wonder what other side.
"Don't do this to me, Darling.
--I was conscious of the number of times s/she said "Darling." Maybe re-read and trim a few?
jelly-bean-popping Viktor Brueen that Kyre had manufactured
--delete 'that'
from the same place as his tears."
--Quote mark's in the wrong place.
Has your night terrors wiped that clean from your mind?
--Change to "Have your night terrors" or "has your night terror."
you knew it was the right thing, didn't you(,) Darling?
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
Hi Jay,
Is good to see Pondria/Doctrex back again, although I had to go back and reread the last chapter to try to figure out what was going on. Am not still not sure about what invaded Rhuether though. The physical magic? Any chance of your posting a more detailed synopsis as a catch-up?
Doctrex's reality has taken a major shift in this chapter, and it appears Kyre's pulled him through the fresco into an altered reality. One where he and Axtilla escaped the palace and became farmers: though how they evaded captured and remained there for seven years cast a big cloud over the reality Kyre's created. Maybe something Doctrex will pick at later?
I wonder if a few memories could poke at Doctrex when the false Axtilla is explaining what happened to give her words more weight. Or maybe looking at his hands will give him half-memories of receiving the cuts. It would help add to the doubt at the end, give him reason to question what's real, if that's the intention.
Notes:
the whites were stretched to their limit in a sightless gaping.
--Not sure about this description. Are his eyes bulging, and that's why they're stretched? Or is just that they're open wide so more of the white is exposed? In which case the whites aren't really stretched. Also, you could delete 'were' to tighten without affecting the meaning.
the whites were stretched to their limit in a sightless gaping.
--Consider 'leaving' instead of 'and that left' or make this part a new sentence.
and his entire body was wracked in a fit of vibration.
--Should it be 'by a fit...'? Also, 'vibration' seems a weak word to use. Is there something more precise and stronger you could use instead?
fingers loosed from the rope of the bridge(,) and I began my fraction-of-a-second descent.
--Also, this is a quite a long sentence. Any way to break it up?
As General Doctrex, during a number of those uneventful nights in my tent,
--This paragraph breaks the tempo, pausing the action to tell the reader something which could have been shown in an earlier chapter. This would then allow you to slip in a single, short sentence referring back to those times in place of this para and keep the reader in the moment.
that settled its pressure just beneath my rib cage.
--I think this would be better as a new sentence. It feels a bit tacked on as it is.
Within darkness(,) I opened my eyes.
My eyes roved only that space they could take in without (my) moving my head.
--Otherwise it sounds like his eyes can move his head.
Good, if I need to I can make a dash for it later.
--Consider making 'good' a separate sentence for better flow.
I released my grip on the sheet and sent my hand to my side as stealthily as I could, feeling for a dagger, then realizing at the same time its folly.
--Should it be 'my folly'?
The slosh, as of water in a container, followed, then its flow as it was poured out.
--Suggest "A slosh". "The slosh" makes it seem like he expected the sound.
"I'd have woke you earlier, but oh! you were having night terrors as you never had before!"
--Be careful of overuse of exclamations. You have four in two short paragraphs here, and one is mid-sentence.
This couldn't be.
--Change to "This can't be" if it's direct thought.
"G-go away," I managed to free from my sobs.
--This tag made me pause a moment to decipher it. A simpler 'said between sobs' might work better.
rolling me to my back, then [the] (my) other side.
--Phrasing made me pause to wonder what other side.
"Don't do this to me, Darling.
--I was conscious of the number of times s/she said "Darling." Maybe re-read and trim a few?
jelly-bean-popping Viktor Brueen that Kyre had manufactured
--delete 'that'
from the same place as his tears."
--Quote mark's in the wrong place.
Has your night terrors wiped that clean from your mind?
--Change to "Have your night terrors" or "has your night terror."
you knew it was the right thing, didn't you(,) Darling?
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
Hey, Alex. Thanks for the meaty crit. I always appreciate the time you put into it. I'm pasting it into word so I can address each part of it individually. Part of the problem was my leaving it on the Scrivener "shelf" so long while I worked on the grooming my novel for publication. Once I decided to post this, I didn't take the usual time to give it a slow, line-by-line read and edit. I already cleaned up a few spelling and punctuation nits before you got to it.
The first thing I discovered was that the chapter if I posted it all of a piece was close to 5000 words. So I artificially lobbed it off toward the middle. Your question about Rhuether's "invasion" was explained in the first paragraph of the second half, though it was alluded to earlier.
I fully agree with you about the use of "darling" as a term of endearment. As I was going through the dialogue I had that feeling, but I didn't do anything about it. I'll work on it.
Like I said, I'll work on these marvelous points you made. I wanted to get this out for you right away, though. I didn't want you to think they'd fallen on deaf ears.
Thanks again, for everything.
Jay
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Jay;
A lovely chapter. I hadn't read what came before, but still, the writing drew me in. I didn't need to know what came before, I was into the story within this part.
The description of holding your breath for a certain length of time and the benchmarks along the way was spot on. I held my breath during labor with my children. (A big no-no.) However, I learned to tell the signs, and tested my limits over and over. It gave me something else to focus on instead of the pain.
Well done,
~patty~
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
 |
Hi, Jay;
A lovely chapter. I hadn't read what came before, but still, the writing drew me in. I didn't need to know what came before, I was into the story within this part.
The description of holding your breath for a certain length of time and the benchmarks along the way was spot on. I held my breath during labor with my children. (A big no-no.) However, I learned to tell the signs, and tested my limits over and over. It gave me something else to focus on instead of the pain.
Well done,
~patty~
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
Ahhhh, Patty, thank you so much. Especially for the sixer. What a welcome back.
By the way, something I forgot to mention. Keep your eyes open for the February "Sticky Words" Newsletter, Vol. II, I'll be posting ibn a week or so. I've got a surprise in it I think you'll get a kick out of.
Jay
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The verbal structure of the story, since begun without my being privy of the earlier part of it, still makes an interesting reading that is not only outlandish but eerie in outlook.
The work highlights Kyre's exploits as a god directing the affairs of men in a war ravaged enclave where he tries to woo Doctrex into believing that he is Axtilla.
Outstanding work! Keep the flag flying!
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
The verbal structure of the story, since begun without my being privy of the earlier part of it, still makes an interesting reading that is not only outlandish but eerie in outlook.
The work highlights Kyre's exploits as a god directing the affairs of men in a war ravaged enclave where he tries to woo Doctrex into believing that he is Axtilla.
Outstanding work! Keep the flag flying!
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
Ah, Lloyd, how happy you make me by giving such a spot on recap of the action. I was afraid the "gender-switching" might be confusing. Lloyd, thanks for the six stars.
-
Remain Blessed!
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks Pondria was to see the play's conclusion, the third act of the play could well be enjoyed now; now another climax comes in so violent; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this with us. WRITE CHANGE. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
This speaks Pondria was to see the play's conclusion, the third act of the play could well be enjoyed now; now another climax comes in so violent; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this with us. WRITE CHANGE. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
I'm so happy you enjoyed this, Dr. Alcreator. Your words are very kind.
Comment from Bichon
A very interesting and intriguing chapter of your novel/story. I will definitely be on a look out for the next chapter, and will have to go back and read the previous ones. A great read.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
A very interesting and intriguing chapter of your novel/story. I will definitely be on a look out for the next chapter, and will have to go back and read the previous ones. A great read.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
-
Thank you, Bichon. It's nice to know the words came together so well. I'm glad you enjoyed it and apparently want more.
