This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Veronica's Disappointment part 2"Veronica is sent back again
23 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Another home run Sandra! I've got faith in Veronica. She's GOING to find a solution to Francis' dilemma.
How sweet, pun intended, that Joe was so proud of his culinary efforts. :-)
One correction, right at the end: my words seem (ed) to calm her.
Stay warm!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Another home run Sandra! I've got faith in Veronica. She's GOING to find a solution to Francis' dilemma.
How sweet, pun intended, that Joe was so proud of his culinary efforts. :-)
One correction, right at the end: my words seem (ed) to calm her.
Stay warm!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for the lovely review and all those stars, Sue!! I had to laugh at your 'pun' lol, now we know who is responsible for the sudden growth of overweight people and the birth of Weight Watchers! LOL. Thanks for finding that error for me, I've added the 'ed' :)} Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx
Comment from estory
The opening scene, while full of charming mannerisms of speech and a warm relationship between characters, didn't really seem a part of the rest of this installment. I thought after that opening scene, the story seemed to move to the heart of the matter at hand, and the tempo picked up and the emotions seemed to work up between characters. The dialogue was crisp and full of emotion, and we get a good sense of what is at stake here; and we find out that Jacob could be far away in the wide world, and that this is going to take a lot more effort to sort out. You kind of leave it up in the air, and the suspense is building and you did a good job with that. You did seem to rush around into scenes, and while the characters are there and the dialogue springs to life, we don't have a good grip on our bearings. you can set the scene a bit better, pay attention to details and keep in mind the symbolic nature of the surroundings, make sure they relate to what's going on between characters. estory
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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The opening scene, while full of charming mannerisms of speech and a warm relationship between characters, didn't really seem a part of the rest of this installment. I thought after that opening scene, the story seemed to move to the heart of the matter at hand, and the tempo picked up and the emotions seemed to work up between characters. The dialogue was crisp and full of emotion, and we get a good sense of what is at stake here; and we find out that Jacob could be far away in the wide world, and that this is going to take a lot more effort to sort out. You kind of leave it up in the air, and the suspense is building and you did a good job with that. You did seem to rush around into scenes, and while the characters are there and the dialogue springs to life, we don't have a good grip on our bearings. you can set the scene a bit better, pay attention to details and keep in mind the symbolic nature of the surroundings, make sure they relate to what's going on between characters. estory
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you, estory, for your detailed review. You've raised some very valid and I'll make notes of them for my final editing. It was kind of you to read and review, thank you! :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Rasmine
Hello! :)
I hope your New Year is going well.
I am happy that I fanned you -- if not I would be missing out on all these great chapters.
I did find one thing that I am not sure of:
I would tell you if it wasn't (weren't -- if you want her to speak more formally then it would be 'weren't' but 'wasn't' is more informal; but do your own research cause I am reading more of American grammar.)
Take care, Sandra,
Nome
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Hello! :)
I hope your New Year is going well.
I am happy that I fanned you -- if not I would be missing out on all these great chapters.
I did find one thing that I am not sure of:
I would tell you if it wasn't (weren't -- if you want her to speak more formally then it would be 'weren't' but 'wasn't' is more informal; but do your own research cause I am reading more of American grammar.)
Take care, Sandra,
Nome
Comment Written 06-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you, Rasmine, yes, I've had a great start to my year. I hope you have too. Thank you for another lovely review! :) Sandra xx
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This is a story of action endeavour for a resolution but disappointment continues fatefully or consequentially, helpless stand of helper; a nice work done, well said; curious ending. DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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This is a story of action endeavour for a resolution but disappointment continues fatefully or consequentially, helpless stand of helper; a nice work done, well said; curious ending. DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Thank you for another lovely review, my friend! I'm so pleased you are still supporting me and my book!! :) Sandra xx
Comment from royowen
Well done, a good episode, Joe's got his chocolate thingy going, and a frustrated Veronica, and a despairing Gwendolyn, start thinking it's pretty hopeless, but Veronica reassures Gwendlyn, she'll do everything in power to save the little boy. Ignorance is a terrible thing. Well done, Sandra. Blessings, Roy
Typo : see how Franc(e)s is doing. 2 see if Franc(e)s is there. 3: it meant Franc(e)s would be there. (You might have to check them all dear Sandra, I won't typo any more, in fact every mention of Francis dear girl. My wife said in this age of gender fluidity...it doesn't matter! Just try and call me a girl! Heh heh.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Well done, a good episode, Joe's got his chocolate thingy going, and a frustrated Veronica, and a despairing Gwendolyn, start thinking it's pretty hopeless, but Veronica reassures Gwendlyn, she'll do everything in power to save the little boy. Ignorance is a terrible thing. Well done, Sandra. Blessings, Roy
Typo : see how Franc(e)s is doing. 2 see if Franc(e)s is there. 3: it meant Franc(e)s would be there. (You might have to check them all dear Sandra, I won't typo any more, in fact every mention of Francis dear girl. My wife said in this age of gender fluidity...it doesn't matter! Just try and call me a girl! Heh heh.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
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Oh, thank you, thank you, Roy!! I had 10 spelt wrong when I went back into it! Goodness me, and, I had two Gwendolyn's wrong, too! Goodness knows what happened to my brain. Thank you so very much for letting me know, and no, I can't see you wearing a girl's name too kindly, either! LOL. Big hugs for the lovely review, my dear friend! :) Sandra xx
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We are all in the same boat dear Sandra, good to watch each other's backs.
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You are so right! It makes a big difference to have our error pointed out. I don't know what I'd do without you and a few others. You are such a good friend. :) xx
Comment from rama devi
Superb deep POV. You drew me right into Veronica's head and heart. Excellent chapter. It's well paced but slows down a bit with all the run on sentences *suggestions below). Sentence mechanics could use fine tuning but it's a solid good chapter and an easy read. Good dialog, diction and characterization. Excellent plot development...what a unique situation!
Drew me in and held my attention fully. Good descriptive detail as well.
NOTES
* I shook my head as comprehension finally hit me, and (I) looked at the chocolate before I broke off a piece and popped it into my mouth, very conscious of the anxious look on Joe's face as he waited for my reaction.
Consider making that two sentences to avoid a run on.
*
Love Joe's diction - brings his character to life. Since the previous diction has no 'g' on ing words, it needs to be here too:
'I made it while me family be out. I didn't want 'em to know, and if they'd come 'ome early and caught me while I was talking t'you, they'd think I'd gone loopy cause it would look like I be talking to meself. That be why I gave it to you out 'ere. Yeh like it then?'
*
If she was here, it meant Frances couldn't be far away, and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I moved over to the smaller bed and looked down at him as he slept.
Bit wordy. Plus, passive voicing. Suggest a trim and also making it two sentences. Example;
If she was here, it meant Frances couldn't be far away. My heart pounded in my chest as I moved over to the smaller bed to look down at him as he slept.
You might also add a simile to the above:
If she was here, it meant Frances couldn't be far away. My heart pounded in my chest, like a hammer, as I moved over to the smaller bed to look down at him as he slept.
*
'Nothing, really. John doesn't go out much now, and (he) hasn't entertained since ... since I left Randolph at the altar.
*Maybe make this two sentences:
Her voice was barely a whisper, and when she raised her eyes, my heart went out to her.
*After taking another glimpse at her child(,) she followed me down the stairs, and when we reached her room, we sat down on the window seat(,) and I told her what I'd learned at the records office back in my time.
Consider making it two sentences (run on):
After taking another glimpse at her child, she followed me down the stairs. When we reached her room, we sat down on the window seat, and I told her what I'd learned at the records office back in my time.
*
'Now(,) listen to me, Gwendolyn.
*but surely a missionary with bright blue eyes and white hair would stick out like a sore thumb. I
but a missionary with bright blue eyes and white hair would surely stick out like a sore thumb.
*I asked a now very despondent(-)looking Gwendolyn.
* The fact that Jacob could be thousands of miles away for years to come,(no ,) had never occurred to me.
*
'It's hopeless, isn't it,(?)' Gwendolen suddenly wailed,
Five stars in advance...
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Superb deep POV. You drew me right into Veronica's head and heart. Excellent chapter. It's well paced but slows down a bit with all the run on sentences *suggestions below). Sentence mechanics could use fine tuning but it's a solid good chapter and an easy read. Good dialog, diction and characterization. Excellent plot development...what a unique situation!
Drew me in and held my attention fully. Good descriptive detail as well.
NOTES
* I shook my head as comprehension finally hit me, and (I) looked at the chocolate before I broke off a piece and popped it into my mouth, very conscious of the anxious look on Joe's face as he waited for my reaction.
Consider making that two sentences to avoid a run on.
*
Love Joe's diction - brings his character to life. Since the previous diction has no 'g' on ing words, it needs to be here too:
'I made it while me family be out. I didn't want 'em to know, and if they'd come 'ome early and caught me while I was talking t'you, they'd think I'd gone loopy cause it would look like I be talking to meself. That be why I gave it to you out 'ere. Yeh like it then?'
*
If she was here, it meant Frances couldn't be far away, and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I moved over to the smaller bed and looked down at him as he slept.
Bit wordy. Plus, passive voicing. Suggest a trim and also making it two sentences. Example;
If she was here, it meant Frances couldn't be far away. My heart pounded in my chest as I moved over to the smaller bed to look down at him as he slept.
You might also add a simile to the above:
If she was here, it meant Frances couldn't be far away. My heart pounded in my chest, like a hammer, as I moved over to the smaller bed to look down at him as he slept.
*
'Nothing, really. John doesn't go out much now, and (he) hasn't entertained since ... since I left Randolph at the altar.
*Maybe make this two sentences:
Her voice was barely a whisper, and when she raised her eyes, my heart went out to her.
*After taking another glimpse at her child(,) she followed me down the stairs, and when we reached her room, we sat down on the window seat(,) and I told her what I'd learned at the records office back in my time.
Consider making it two sentences (run on):
After taking another glimpse at her child, she followed me down the stairs. When we reached her room, we sat down on the window seat, and I told her what I'd learned at the records office back in my time.
*
'Now(,) listen to me, Gwendolyn.
*but surely a missionary with bright blue eyes and white hair would stick out like a sore thumb. I
but a missionary with bright blue eyes and white hair would surely stick out like a sore thumb.
*I asked a now very despondent(-)looking Gwendolyn.
* The fact that Jacob could be thousands of miles away for years to come,(no ,) had never occurred to me.
*
'It's hopeless, isn't it,(?)' Gwendolen suddenly wailed,
Five stars in advance...
Love,
rd
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Hi Rama, thank you so much for another really helpful review. I've made the corrections and made some other changes, too. I read a poem dedicated to you this evening, it really was a perfect tribute. I hope you get to read it. Thank you again, my dear friend. Big hugs, Sandra xxx
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Wow, I had not seen a poem dedicated to me. Can you direct me to it, please? Thanks! Big hugs and Love, rd
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PS - I found her poem. Thanks!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Excellent chapter here. All working out for Joe hopefully with his new enterprise but trouble on the Jacob front potentially.
'It's hopeless, isn't it,' - this should maybe have a question mark.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Hi Sandra,
Excellent chapter here. All working out for Joe hopefully with his new enterprise but trouble on the Jacob front potentially.
'It's hopeless, isn't it,' - this should maybe have a question mark.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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You have totally made my day, Gareth, thank you so very much for awarding this part a 6, that is high praise from you and I really appreciate it more than you could possible know. Thank you. I've popped the question mark in! lol. Sending you a big hugs, my friend! :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Ulla
Hi Sandra, This is absolutely wonderful, but I have no six for you. What am I to do? It's a wonderful continuation, and, although Veronica is hitting a brick wall, I agree she wouldn't have been brought back with no reason at all. Can't wait to reading on.
I'm home okay now by the way. Lots of love. Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Hi Sandra, This is absolutely wonderful, but I have no six for you. What am I to do? It's a wonderful continuation, and, although Veronica is hitting a brick wall, I agree she wouldn't have been brought back with no reason at all. Can't wait to reading on.
I'm home okay now by the way. Lots of love. Ulla xxx
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Oh, I'm glad you're home, Ulla, the weather seems to be doing crazy things at the moment. I'd hate to be in the US now. Thank you so much for another lovely review, dear. It's going to be tough for a little while. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xxxx
Comment from damommy
Like Veronica, I never gave though that Jacob could be anywhere else. He just can't be.
I hope she comes up with something before it's too late. I can't believe Sir John will wait much longer to take action.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Like Veronica, I never gave though that Jacob could be anywhere else. He just can't be.
I hope she comes up with something before it's too late. I can't believe Sir John will wait much longer to take action.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Veronica does have a bit of a problem, she's going to need all her wits about her now. Sir John has an even bigger problem, what with Frances, and the fact that Joe knows about him. Things must come to a head soon! Goodness me, I hope she can sort this out! LOL. Thank you so very much for your wonderful review, my faithful friend, and for the 6 shiny stars. Big hugs, Sandra xxxx
Comment from apky
I wish I still had a six for this piece of brilliant writing.
What can I say without sounding stupid? You really can write, my friend.
And, again, you left it off where I squirm and bite my nails for the next post!
caught me while I was talking t'you, they'd think I'd gone loopy cause it would look like I be talking to meself. That be why I gave it to you out 'ere. Yeh like it then?' ~ What a delighjtful little twist here, Sandra. Brilliant!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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I wish I still had a six for this piece of brilliant writing.
What can I say without sounding stupid? You really can write, my friend.
And, again, you left it off where I squirm and bite my nails for the next post!
caught me while I was talking t'you, they'd think I'd gone loopy cause it would look like I be talking to meself. That be why I gave it to you out 'ere. Yeh like it then?' ~ What a delighjtful little twist here, Sandra. Brilliant!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much, Aki, for another of your really wonderful reviews! You really are so kind. I'm so pleased you are still enjoying my book, it gives me such a confidence boost. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx