Comment from heavenempress

Excellent

Hie, this is a splendid piece of work and very educative. You got straight to the point and you beautifully presented your work and the flow is very good. Never thought that in few words a meaningful conversation.

 Comment Written 17-Sep-2017

---

reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017

Thank you for the kind comments. It's a challenge to try and say much in so few words - I guess that is what makes it fun. Much appreciated - Craig

Comment from Ogden

Excellent

Excellent job, CD, exemplifying the hypocrisy of your characters, regarding the treatment of animals, in a humorous manner.

Good luck in the contest.

Don (aka Ogden)

 Comment Written 17-Sep-2017

---

reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017

Thanks so much for the kind comments and the good wishes, Don. Both are much appreciated. Craig

reply by Ogden on 17-Sep-2017

You are very welcome, Craig.

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi CD,

Well, I wonder what they're BBQing up, I'm betting not giraffe or lion. How far is hypocrisy. A lot of people will say it's not as those trophy kills are just that - no purpose whereas meat to eat is fine...

A fine piece for the competition.
GMG

 Comment Written 17-Sep-2017

---

reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017

Just raising the question, GMG. I think it's something everyone needs to answer for themselves :) Thanks for the kind words. Craig

Comment from Jan Anderegg

Excellent

What a fabulous point you have made, and I didn't even see it coming. :-)
Very well done. It's a great entry in the flash fiction contest, and I wish you all the best in the contest. Very well done indeed. I checked your word count -- exactly 100 words.

The only thing I have to suggest is regarding these lines:

"How could anyone want to harm such beautiful creatures?" Amanda seemed to be on the verge of tears.

Rather than saying she "seemed" on the verge of tears, could you show us?

"How could anyone want to harm such beautiful creatures?" Amanda blinked hard and dabbed at her eyes.

or

"How could anyone want to harm such beautiful creatures?" Amanda bit her lip, and brushed away a tear.

Or something like that. Show, don't tell. :-)
Hope that helps.
Jan


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 17-Sep-2017

---

reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017

It does. Thanks for the kind review, Jan, and for the excellent point about show vs tell. I'll have another look at it. Much appreciated - Craig

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

I see many of us are posting entries for this contest at the last minute today! I just did one too. They are challenging but fun!


This should prove a contender with a good closing twist. Good pacing. Good POV. Good dialog. Fine entry! Good luck!

A few spag notes:


*

"Some people are just pathetic losers." Brian took a swig from his longneck before continuing. (as dialog continues, no line break needed here).



* $50,000

fifty thousand


*
"How could anyone want to harm such beautiful creatures?" Amanda seemed to be on the verge of tears.

Suggest trimming off TO BE, as they are superfluous filler words, which does not suit the micro-fiction genre.

Amanda seemed on the verge of tears.

HA HA HA--clever satirical closing twist:

Brian paused to pour a little extra oil onto the grill. "Rare, medium, or well done?"



Warmly, rd

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 17-Sep-2017

---

reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017

Thanks so much for the kind words, RD, and for the very helpful comments. I'll take them onboard :) Craig

reply by rama devi on 17-Sep-2017

:-))))