Car Bomb
Stranded stranger seeks help. Should he get it?45 total reviews
Comment from kathleenspalding
Great story! Good for you! Six stars because I loved the way you included learning from the kid at the gas station, and especially for the way you wrote a 'silent' conversation into the expressions you and Gabino exchanged. Wonderful descriptions and story!
picky bits-
From my vantage point in (a - my) car (idled - , idling?) at my workplace exit, the pearl handle (which - that) sheathed the (knife - blade) appeared five inches long. The back edge of the folded (blade - knife) glinted silver in the shade of eucalyptus trees (which - that) lined the...
I bring a cell phone and charger when I drive, I know a person I can call for help, I have a Triple A - these are all comma splices. Can use semicolons or break into separate sentences, since this sentence is pretty long.
honest Abe - capitalize Honest (it's part of the nickname)
exhausted pickup with little more than a promise - actually, I guess it was 'no' more than a promise?
red can (which - that) sat on the ground
blue uniform(,) which sagged (or you can use 'that' instead of 'which' if you don't want the comma)
http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/which-versus-that-0
cement truck (had) almost entombed
down the eleven(-)percent grade.
The front gate of my (work - workplace?) came into view.
rubberneck and then accelerate(d).
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Great story! Good for you! Six stars because I loved the way you included learning from the kid at the gas station, and especially for the way you wrote a 'silent' conversation into the expressions you and Gabino exchanged. Wonderful descriptions and story!
picky bits-
From my vantage point in (a - my) car (idled - , idling?) at my workplace exit, the pearl handle (which - that) sheathed the (knife - blade) appeared five inches long. The back edge of the folded (blade - knife) glinted silver in the shade of eucalyptus trees (which - that) lined the...
I bring a cell phone and charger when I drive, I know a person I can call for help, I have a Triple A - these are all comma splices. Can use semicolons or break into separate sentences, since this sentence is pretty long.
honest Abe - capitalize Honest (it's part of the nickname)
exhausted pickup with little more than a promise - actually, I guess it was 'no' more than a promise?
red can (which - that) sat on the ground
blue uniform(,) which sagged (or you can use 'that' instead of 'which' if you don't want the comma)
http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/which-versus-that-0
cement truck (had) almost entombed
down the eleven(-)percent grade.
The front gate of my (work - workplace?) came into view.
rubberneck and then accelerate(d).
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Thank you, Kathleen, again for your generous, six star review and edits. I appreciate them.
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You're very welcome.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Andre,
A great piece of writing here which held me captive right the way through. The emotions are well delivered and affecting.
His fingers grimed from gardening or contracting fluttered the bills. "I have money." - maybe commas after fingers and contracting.
I left off, "but you'll figure it out - I think this may need to start with a capital as the previous dialogue is closed off.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Hi Andre,
A great piece of writing here which held me captive right the way through. The emotions are well delivered and affecting.
His fingers grimed from gardening or contracting fluttered the bills. "I have money." - maybe commas after fingers and contracting.
I left off, "but you'll figure it out - I think this may need to start with a capital as the previous dialogue is closed off.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Oh, thank you, G, for your generous, six star review and minor edits. I am surprised that the incident happened a week ago today. I am glad I shared "a great piece pf writing" with you. Thanks again.
Comment from robina1978
I love the photo that complements your story very well. Good use of narrative and dialogue. I see why he got a scare when he saw the knife come out. But you did not hesitate a second putting him straight.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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I love the photo that complements your story very well. Good use of narrative and dialogue. I see why he got a scare when he saw the knife come out. But you did not hesitate a second putting him straight.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Oh, thank you, Robina, for your generous review. I am glad things turned out great between us.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Excellent work, Andre! I really enjoyed this piece and thought it brought out all those feelings you have with strangers, not to mention race or sex. It's unfortunate that's the way it is with so many bad people taking advantage of a good Samaritan. The story also sheds a positive light, that we're not all bad out there. There is hope ...
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Excellent work, Andre! I really enjoyed this piece and thought it brought out all those feelings you have with strangers, not to mention race or sex. It's unfortunate that's the way it is with so many bad people taking advantage of a good Samaritan. The story also sheds a positive light, that we're not all bad out there. There is hope ...
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Yes, Russell, there is hope. Thank you for your generous, six star review. It is hard for me to believe that this event happened last Tuesday and that I transformed it into a story. Thanks again.
Comment from Thesis
I am so glad that this is a real story. It's also something I would have done, and I am happy to see that you are also a compassionate, caring person who took a chance to help someone else, not really knowing if you were safe.
Good job, my friend! We can't give up on people.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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I am so glad that this is a real story. It's also something I would have done, and I am happy to see that you are also a compassionate, caring person who took a chance to help someone else, not really knowing if you were safe.
Good job, my friend! We can't give up on people.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Yes, Thesis, I took a chance to help someone else, creating a spectacular, real story. I like that I drove the narrative. In life it is so easy to be a passive bystander or someone who passes by. I am glad I made another choice even though I did not know if I was safe.
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
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You are more than welcome. It takes courage to trust. Hurah for your bravery!
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
wow this is very well told and I noticed not one mistake in the reading.
Iloved the interaction you had with yourself and the idea of him skipping to his truck
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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wow this is very well told and I noticed not one mistake in the reading.
Iloved the interaction you had with yourself and the idea of him skipping to his truck
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, Barb, I wanted the perfect verb to describe his return to the truck. "Skipping" fit the bill. Thank you for your generous, six star review. I appreciate it.
Comment from hvysmker
A cute story with no violence, Sis Cat. I saw no errors but, somehow, it did remind me of an occasion near a small storage depo close to Quin Yon in Vietnam. The area belonged to us during daylight hours but not as much after dark. We did counter attacks about once a month, usually by armed teenagers sneaking through the fence to see what they could steal.
Anyway, I'd snuck out myself for a little comfort at a nearby cathouse. At around two or three in the morning, while snuggled up with a willing lady, I was woke by a terrific banging at the other end of the building.
Frightened almost out of my wits, I reached down to the floor, blindly searching for my rifle, clothing or, hopefully both. All I could find was a two-foot length of sturdy wood. I had no idea where to find a light switch, so I crouched by the door, hoping nobody would open it to find me nude and swinging a stick at them.
Gradually the sound came closer, door after door, my fear increasing with each loud knock. Eventually I heard a drunken cry in English, "Mamasan, Mamason, Let me in." It was only another GI searching for a warm bed for the night.
Much relieved, I put down the stick and climbed back into bed, gratefully clutching at my own temporary comfort. No stuffed teddybear every gave a child more solace than that warm body imparted to me.
Charlie
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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A cute story with no violence, Sis Cat. I saw no errors but, somehow, it did remind me of an occasion near a small storage depo close to Quin Yon in Vietnam. The area belonged to us during daylight hours but not as much after dark. We did counter attacks about once a month, usually by armed teenagers sneaking through the fence to see what they could steal.
Anyway, I'd snuck out myself for a little comfort at a nearby cathouse. At around two or three in the morning, while snuggled up with a willing lady, I was woke by a terrific banging at the other end of the building.
Frightened almost out of my wits, I reached down to the floor, blindly searching for my rifle, clothing or, hopefully both. All I could find was a two-foot length of sturdy wood. I had no idea where to find a light switch, so I crouched by the door, hoping nobody would open it to find me nude and swinging a stick at them.
Gradually the sound came closer, door after door, my fear increasing with each loud knock. Eventually I heard a drunken cry in English, "Mamasan, Mamason, Let me in." It was only another GI searching for a warm bed for the night.
Much relieved, I put down the stick and climbed back into bed, gratefully clutching at my own temporary comfort. No stuffed teddybear every gave a child more solace than that warm body imparted to me.
Charlie
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Charlie, for sharing your delightful, hair-raising story. I enjoyed it. Thank you for your review of my story, too. I am glad it sparked warm memories.
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Applause, applaud, applause...Bravo, bravo, bravo...
My dear Andre, my Sis Cat, how splendid you are. You are indeed a marvelous man and I love your heart. This true story entry is so intriguing and well written, I possibly will not read one better than this. What an amazing story. I laughed, I smiled, I was wowed...wonderfully exceptional...
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Applause, applaud, applause...Bravo, bravo, bravo...
My dear Andre, my Sis Cat, how splendid you are. You are indeed a marvelous man and I love your heart. This true story entry is so intriguing and well written, I possibly will not read one better than this. What an amazing story. I laughed, I smiled, I was wowed...wonderfully exceptional...
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, Tier, Gabino and I went through a range of emotions doing this ordeal. I knew that when he asked my name, he was going to tell a story about it, so I decided to write mine. Thank you for your generous, six star review and applause!
Comment from Thomas Bowling
God bless you for helping a stranded motorist. The easy thing would have been to look the other way and drive by. The Bible says that sometimes we have helped angels sent here to test us.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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God bless you for helping a stranded motorist. The easy thing would have been to look the other way and drive by. The Bible says that sometimes we have helped angels sent here to test us.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, Thomas, God sends us angels to test us. Of all of the places where Gabino could have ran out of gas, he ran out of gas on the street right outside my work. When I came back with the gas thirty minutes later I was surprised that no one else had helped him during that entire time. I was it.
Thank you for your review and blessings.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Andre,
A beautiful story, very emotional and it moved me.... I hate prejudice people and I don't understand why the color of the skin separates people in groups...sometimes. What makes this story more awesome than the rest is that it is true. I will look for it in the voting booth. Excellent job.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Hello, Andre,
A beautiful story, very emotional and it moved me.... I hate prejudice people and I don't understand why the color of the skin separates people in groups...sometimes. What makes this story more awesome than the rest is that it is true. I will look for it in the voting booth. Excellent job.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, Gypsy, it is hard for me to believe that the events in this story happened six days ago. I knew that when Gabino asked my name to tell his story to family and friends that I had to tell the story, too. Running out of gas seems like a mundane subject, but I spotlighted the racism and fear that may prevent people from getting help.
Thank you for your generous, six star review. I appreciate it.