Haiku Club Challenges, Book II
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "haiku (roots ground in darkness)"an anthology of haiku written by fanstory poets
15 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Teresa,
I enjoyed your tree haiku. Good job on the syllable counts per line.
I like how the 1st 2 lines are connected as required. But they convey a meaning that you [I] are branching out from something be it childhood or other event. The apple rolls makes me think that life goes on as you desire. Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Teresa,
I enjoyed your tree haiku. Good job on the syllable counts per line.
I like how the 1st 2 lines are connected as required. But they convey a meaning that you [I] are branching out from something be it childhood or other event. The apple rolls makes me think that life goes on as you desire. Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Thank you Jan. Yes, though the apple may fall close to the tree, it can roll away (be who you are). :)
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Teresa. This is an interesting poem and brings to mind that no matter how far "the apple rolls," it will take itself along. Whatever our upbringing, it will always be with us. Hopefully it was a good one. Marilyn
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Hi Teresa. This is an interesting poem and brings to mind that no matter how far "the apple rolls," it will take itself along. Whatever our upbringing, it will always be with us. Hopefully it was a good one. Marilyn
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Thank you Marilyn:)
Comment from Dean Kuch
The apple may roll, Teresa. However, most claim that it never falls far from the tree.
Your 4/8/4 is well within the limits of seventeen syllables or less as the haiku form requires.
I might have found an alternative word for "my", which is an attributive adjective.
I stretch my arms,
grind roots in harsh upbringing--
the apple rolls
Or...
I stretch my arms,
roots forged in fond upbringing--
ripe apples roll
...depending upon the type of upbringing you had.
Some haiku "purists" frown on the use of personalization in haiku poetry. It's more about what you experienced than it is about self.
The concrete imagery between lines one and two are well established.
All-in-all, an excellent addition to the book.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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The apple may roll, Teresa. However, most claim that it never falls far from the tree.
Your 4/8/4 is well within the limits of seventeen syllables or less as the haiku form requires.
I might have found an alternative word for "my", which is an attributive adjective.
I stretch my arms,
grind roots in harsh upbringing--
the apple rolls
Or...
I stretch my arms,
roots forged in fond upbringing--
ripe apples roll
...depending upon the type of upbringing you had.
Some haiku "purists" frown on the use of personalization in haiku poetry. It's more about what you experienced than it is about self.
The concrete imagery between lines one and two are well established.
All-in-all, an excellent addition to the book.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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I like your suggestions very much. I am going to ponder them and probably change it.
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I'm more than happy to be of help, Teresa.
~Dean :)
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I changed it, changed the lines around. Would you mind taking a look?
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Sure, absolutely.
I'll be right back...lemme open another tab window...
"roots ground in darkness
I stretch my arms toward sunlight
the apple rolls"
Perfection, Teresa!
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Thank you so much Dean. You're a peach!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written haiku. We always stay close to the roots of our upbringing. This haiku reminds me of the old saying 'the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'
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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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A very well-written haiku. We always stay close to the roots of our upbringing. This haiku reminds me of the old saying 'the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'
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Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Thank you Sandra. I appreciate your review:)
Comment from Eternal Muse
This was a bit enigmatic for me. Excuse my being dense, lol. I didn't get the second line - "ground my roots in my upbringing", and the connection to the apple rolls. But I liked the structure and the visuals. Though the offering seemed more like a senryu to me.
Thank you for contributing to the site's book, love, Y.
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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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This was a bit enigmatic for me. Excuse my being dense, lol. I didn't get the second line - "ground my roots in my upbringing", and the connection to the apple rolls. But I liked the structure and the visuals. Though the offering seemed more like a senryu to me.
Thank you for contributing to the site's book, love, Y.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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The tree has roots but I am writing this as if I were a tree. my roots are the things my parents taught me. You've heard the old say 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' - the apple rolls is a spin-off of that - it may not fall far from the tree but it can roll away. Thank you Y:)
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Oh, I get it now.
