Haiku Club Challenges, Book II
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Haiku(hot passion)"an anthology of haiku written by fanstory poets
18 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This is expressive and passionate (obviously!) and matches the artwork so well. Good synergy with words and imagery. My only stumble is the passive voicing IS CONSUMED. I recommend playing around with using the verb in active voice.
Also, not sure THEIR is needed, as it's implied. Since word economy is ideal, and you already have great word economy in lines one and three, I suggest editing line two.
Additionally, consumed is misspelled (only one M)
Example idea:
hot passion
consumed within soulful dance
summer's folly
or
hot passion
consumed inside soulful dance
summer's folly
or
hot passion
consumed in soulful dance
summer's folly
Big applause for the consonance and alliteration of S and the consonance of L and M and F as well.
As I know you'll fix spag and consider suggestions, five stars in advance.
Expressive work. True to form.
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2017
This is expressive and passionate (obviously!) and matches the artwork so well. Good synergy with words and imagery. My only stumble is the passive voicing IS CONSUMED. I recommend playing around with using the verb in active voice.
Also, not sure THEIR is needed, as it's implied. Since word economy is ideal, and you already have great word economy in lines one and three, I suggest editing line two.
Additionally, consumed is misspelled (only one M)
Example idea:
hot passion
consumed within soulful dance
summer's folly
or
hot passion
consumed inside soulful dance
summer's folly
or
hot passion
consumed in soulful dance
summer's folly
Big applause for the consonance and alliteration of S and the consonance of L and M and F as well.
As I know you'll fix spag and consider suggestions, five stars in advance.
Expressive work. True to form.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2017
-
Hello Rama, thanks a lot. I'm so pleased to see you back and for your great review. Not only have I corrected the spelling mistake but I've also edited. You're right, it reads so much better now. Thanks again.
I hope you still do editing because I would like to send some 30000 words for you to read and edit. Will that be alright? I've got your email address.I'll send you a message very soon with a few questions. Lots of love. Ulla:)
-
Thanks for your lovely reply, dear. yes, I still do editing and you're welcome to send your work anytime. I'd love to work with you. I've been less active on the site and more active editing for clients, but I have time for yours too, as I finished two books recently.
You might see me here intermittently...but not as much as previously.
Love, love love,
rd
Comment from marybell1
I enjoyed reading your 3-8-4 haiku "Hot Passion". Dancing close together with romantic music in the heat of summer. What else do you expect?
All the best.
Marybell1.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2017
I enjoyed reading your 3-8-4 haiku "Hot Passion". Dancing close together with romantic music in the heat of summer. What else do you expect?
All the best.
Marybell1.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2017
-
Hi Marybell, Thanks. I would really like to know all the mistakes I made as you gave me a four star. Much appreciated. Ulla
-
Dear Ulla, I am glad you told me I only gave you four stars. I am very sorry and hope I did not upset you. You definitely deserve 5 stars and I am amending it straight away. Please do not hesitate to tell me if you do not agree with me. - No excuse but I was using a different community computer (I do not have my own).
All the best
Marybell1.
-
Hi Maribell, I'm certainly not offended. I was just puzzled why. Thanks so much for changing and explaining. All best. Ulla:)))
-
You are most welcome.
Marybell1.
Comment from Sankey
Good one Ulla. I loved the picture also. Plenty of innuendo in such a short, short poem. Lets the mind wander for sure. Being alone without my wife for over 2 months does not help.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2017
Good one Ulla. I loved the picture also. Plenty of innuendo in such a short, short poem. Lets the mind wander for sure. Being alone without my wife for over 2 months does not help.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2017
-
Thanks a lot, Sanky, so glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Ric Myworld
More heat for the summer. I always enjoy reading these shorter forms of poetry, which say so much with so few words. Whatever helps our imaginations to entertain us. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
More heat for the summer. I always enjoy reading these shorter forms of poetry, which say so much with so few words. Whatever helps our imaginations to entertain us. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
-
Thank you so much, Ric. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hola, guapisima,
Como estas? Yo, tirandillo.
I love your haiku about passionate love. It's awesome and well composed. Your lines connect smoothly and your satori is insightful.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
Hola, guapisima,
Como estas? Yo, tirandillo.
I love your haiku about passionate love. It's awesome and well composed. Your lines connect smoothly and your satori is insightful.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
-
Ayayay. muchisimas gracias. So glad you liked my wee musing about a summer love. Un besito. Ulla:)))
Comment from sharonlshelley
nice little poem you have written, i really enjoyed the read also i liked the picture
you used for it, thanks for sharing you work nice to read sharon
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
nice little poem you have written, i really enjoyed the read also i liked the picture
you used for it, thanks for sharing you work nice to read sharon
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
-
Thank you so much. So glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Heather Knight
Your poem is very powerful and so is the accompanying picture. The colors are perfect to reflect the passion you speak about.
I love the phrase 'soulful dance'.
BTW, lovely profile pic.
Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
Your poem is very powerful and so is the accompanying picture. The colors are perfect to reflect the passion you speak about.
I love the phrase 'soulful dance'.
BTW, lovely profile pic.
Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
-
Thanks a lot for your lovely review, Maria Jose. The Pic is taken in Madrid by the way. Glad you like it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It seems in this contest entry more is heating up than just the air temperature. LOL. I really enjoyed reading this poem. It caused me to smile. Good luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
It seems in this contest entry more is heating up than just the air temperature. LOL. I really enjoyed reading this poem. It caused me to smile. Good luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
-
Hahaha, yeah, right. Thanks a lot Barbara. All best. Ulla:)))