Heart, soul and Love
Kind of political and spiritual34 total reviews
Comment from writerfan2013
This is obviously heartfelt, and individual verses have a structure and rhyming pattern. However, I could not see an overall pattern of rhyme, and as a result it felt rather scattered. Towards the end, rhyme is abandoned, adding to this feeling.
The other thing that struck me is the use of 'we' and then 'you'. "Open your mind" and "I beg you" - who is this that the narrator is addressing? Who are the 'we' who have all these desires? It feels a little generic here.
I felt the ending with 'amen' could have been tronger too. Maybe end with a verse that reflects the first verse, either contrasting with, or repeating its message?
Overall this is a piece with a strong sentiment and some neatly rhymed lines.
-Sef
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
   |
This is obviously heartfelt, and individual verses have a structure and rhyming pattern. However, I could not see an overall pattern of rhyme, and as a result it felt rather scattered. Towards the end, rhyme is abandoned, adding to this feeling.
The other thing that struck me is the use of 'we' and then 'you'. "Open your mind" and "I beg you" - who is this that the narrator is addressing? Who are the 'we' who have all these desires? It feels a little generic here.
I felt the ending with 'amen' could have been tronger too. Maybe end with a verse that reflects the first verse, either contrasting with, or repeating its message?
Overall this is a piece with a strong sentiment and some neatly rhymed lines.
-Sef
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
-
Well, thank you for being the reviewer with the critical eye. It felt like one of my old Engl;ish teachers from 30 years ago! I must say however, you are spot on and I sincerely thank you for your knowledge and organized thoughts about this poem. Your absolutely correct that this piece is written from the heart, and correct again that I become scattered! In my excitement, I become inpatient overlooking errors and rushing to complete, rather than trying my best to come up with a true masterpiece! My style is very simple, and generally used as a platform for something I believe in. My work expesses my emotions as I use writing for my own therapy. I don't aspire to be a great author and yet at the same time I would like to do this correctly. Thank you for your review and your comments which have been useful and beneifcial. Thank you.
Comment from melyuki
Hi moon baby, what a fantastic message delivered in your verse. Not long winded at all ... I enjoyed every word and the poem's depth of meaning. If only our world could ALL relate this globe would be a better place. great image used to portray your thoughts. thanks for sharing them with us. I'm glad I found your poem tonight.. fruitful thoughts beautifully presented. and I have to comment on your profile picture. The Labrador looks exactly like my doggy , now passed. such a wonderful four legged friend. cheers and smiles, mel xx
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
 |
Hi moon baby, what a fantastic message delivered in your verse. Not long winded at all ... I enjoyed every word and the poem's depth of meaning. If only our world could ALL relate this globe would be a better place. great image used to portray your thoughts. thanks for sharing them with us. I'm glad I found your poem tonight.. fruitful thoughts beautifully presented. and I have to comment on your profile picture. The Labrador looks exactly like my doggy , now passed. such a wonderful four legged friend. cheers and smiles, mel xx
Comment Written 02-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
-
Thank you for your nice review and your upbeat comments! Thank you for reading this piece and enjoying it. My profile picture is of my beloved "Cody", who passed away 2 years ago and miss him still. Thank you again, you are very kind.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Moon Baby, as you say 'Instead we should insist 'Our leaders lead with heart, soul and love'. In an ideal world this would be the case, but we do not. The pressures on leadership are immense and much as they would love to rule the way you suggest, with the occasional exception, it is not always possible. This is well written Moon Baby in a very idealistic way. We can but pray there may be a better world someday, as you suggest. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
Hi Moon Baby, as you say 'Instead we should insist 'Our leaders lead with heart, soul and love'. In an ideal world this would be the case, but we do not. The pressures on leadership are immense and much as they would love to rule the way you suggest, with the occasional exception, it is not always possible. This is well written Moon Baby in a very idealistic way. We can but pray there may be a better world someday, as you suggest. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 28-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Thank you for your review and your comments as well. I appreciate what you had to say and I know what you say is true. Still, there is this piece of me that really believes miracles do happen! Thank you again!
Comment from lyenochka
This is a wonderful and much needed message today! Thank you for penning this. There are a couple changes I'd suggest in these lines:
It time we planted a new kind of seed (should be It's)
All God's want what's best for their people (All God wants? or all gods?)
Yes, I agree we need a leader who has a servant's humble heart and the willingness to listen and encourage mutual love and understanding.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
This is a wonderful and much needed message today! Thank you for penning this. There are a couple changes I'd suggest in these lines:
It time we planted a new kind of seed (should be It's)
All God's want what's best for their people (All God wants? or all gods?)
Yes, I agree we need a leader who has a servant's humble heart and the willingness to listen and encourage mutual love and understanding.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Thank you for your excellent review and your comments as well. Corrections made! Thank you so much for pointing that out, I should be paying more attention. It's really wonderful to see that so many agree with this piece! Thank you again.
Comment from Donya Quijote
Despots are indeed dangerous and the US may have elected its first. Our politicians are terribly flawed. They have neither heart nor soul and love only themselves. A good write and I hope the worst is soon behind us...
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
Despots are indeed dangerous and the US may have elected its first. Our politicians are terribly flawed. They have neither heart nor soul and love only themselves. A good write and I hope the worst is soon behind us...
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much for your comments and for the nice review. It's good to see that a lot of people agree with my piece, even if reality is a bit more difficult to change. Getting people's attention to a cause that's only meant for good, not bad is a positive step just by bringing awareness! Thank you again.
Comment from Leineco
From your pen to Trump's eyes!!!!
We don't need a rogue leader
Who rules with a iron fist
We want a world in harmony
Not a world of arms and money
It['s] time we planted a new kind of seed. . .
When we all feel it together there is no wall
Nothing can separate us[,] no matter how tall
It's heart and soul and love we need!
Wonderfully said MB :-)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
From your pen to Trump's eyes!!!!
We don't need a rogue leader
Who rules with a iron fist
We want a world in harmony
Not a world of arms and money
It['s] time we planted a new kind of seed. . .
When we all feel it together there is no wall
Nothing can separate us[,] no matter how tall
It's heart and soul and love we need!
Wonderfully said MB :-)
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Thank you for pointing out my oversight and they have been corrected! If I would slow down and pay attention I migt have less of these corrections to make! Thank you for the excellent review and comments as well. Raising awareness is a baby step in the right direction! Thank you for being a part of it!
Comment from sue133
'The power of love, is the greatest of all'. I loved your poem. It was really heartfelt and expressed my feelings absolutely. Your photograph is delightful and expresses everything you say. Well done. Susan
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
'The power of love, is the greatest of all'. I loved your poem. It was really heartfelt and expressed my feelings absolutely. Your photograph is delightful and expresses everything you say. Well done. Susan
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Oh, thank you! Your comments and your review are also heart felt and I am pleased you feel it too! What a better world already just having two people who think alike! Thank you.
Comment from Doc Holiday
Well-written message! When are you planning on mailing it to Washington?
I agree we should look at what we can do together as one country, rather that how we fear anyone who may be different. Differences made us stronger in the last century.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
Well-written message! When are you planning on mailing it to Washington?
I agree we should look at what we can do together as one country, rather that how we fear anyone who may be different. Differences made us stronger in the last century.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Ha ha, you are so funny! But guess what I am going to. Mr. Trump needs a little nudge in a better direction. Just goes to show money doesn't buy everything! Not that he will ever read it, but who cares, I'll know I sent it! Take care and thank you for your review and comments!
Comment from Bobbi22
Well said! You say you were long-winded with this, but the flow was quick and filled with though provoking ideas. You hit a lot of key points without getting over-political. We do need harmony and we do need to choose love over hate. Very powerful poem. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
Well said! You say you were long-winded with this, but the flow was quick and filled with though provoking ideas. You hit a lot of key points without getting over-political. We do need harmony and we do need to choose love over hate. Very powerful poem. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Thank you for your comments and great review! I think a lot of people feel the same way. We may never see our world live in harmony but even raising awareness is a good thing! Thank you again.
Comment from alvina224224
My sentiments, exactly, Moon Baby. I like this poem particularly, because your words and images express what so many millions of people on this planet wish to express. Egos around the world, whether it is in North Korea, Russia, United |States or many more demographics, are like a malignant cancer invading the blue planet peace so many of us work hard to maintain. Thank you for putting such an urgent message into words.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
|
My sentiments, exactly, Moon Baby. I like this poem particularly, because your words and images express what so many millions of people on this planet wish to express. Egos around the world, whether it is in North Korea, Russia, United |States or many more demographics, are like a malignant cancer invading the blue planet peace so many of us work hard to maintain. Thank you for putting such an urgent message into words.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much for your comments and for the great review. I feel the same way, and although I can't do it alone, It's nice to know I'm not the only one who would like to see change for the better take place. Thank you again.
