THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Fragrance of Clarna's Grief"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
34 total reviews
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
It's a nice piece of Fantasy Fiction having impressive wording, smooth and captivating flow almost throughout, especially in the beginning and towards the end.
On the whole, Interesting!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Hello Jay Squires,
It's a nice piece of Fantasy Fiction having impressive wording, smooth and captivating flow almost throughout, especially in the beginning and towards the end.
On the whole, Interesting!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Hey, RP. I'm so happy you enjoyed reading this. The six stars was grand! Thanks.
Comment from Dashjianta
Nice timing with Axtilla's intervention, and with Doctrex's using his magic to destroy the second bolt/arrow. Good ending too, with Kyre's return and his interference once more.
I'm assuming Gorzi's not gone to fetch the battalion. Given the way he protected Hyl before, I'd expect his priority to be on getting Hyl to safety.
A couple of things to consider:
During Glnot's discussion with Justiz, it might be worth weaving in a few more thoughts from Doctrex--one's where he's reassessing his situation and considering his next action. He's feeling like a passive observer which seems out of character for him.
Also, with the action sequence, from the moment the arrow explodes until the time Kyre appears (with Doctrex becoming detached here, a slower pace works), I'd suggest trying to tighten up as much as possible. Shorten sentences where you can, so each is focused on the single subject/action, and cut out as much of Doctrex's thought as possible. I've given a few examples in my suggestions, but think it's worth going through again to try and speed up reading tempo.
Suggestions:
the arrow ricocheted
--With a traditional handheld crossbow, it's more likely to be firing bolts, which would be shorter and without the feathered fetching arrows have. Modern crossbows would fire arrows.
I don't know what I expected in the instant Rhuether's arm dropped.
--Is there a stronger way to say this? Something along the lines of his bracing for the impact even as he grabbed futilely for his magic? It would make it more active and keep the tension higher, I think.
Modern crossbows, on the other hand, do use arrows.
--In this paragraph, maybe throw an ironic thought into the mix about how he'd been pleading with Kyre to kill him not long ago, but now he... what? Wants to live? Is glad they'll be together in a second?
caressed my cheek, lips and ear, earlier.
--delete last comma
"Are you telling me what I felt?
--consider popping in a tag here, as Doctrex's thought intrudes on the flow of the conversation.
In the meantime ..." he motioned to the guard who had constrained me before. "We
--Should it be a capital letter for 'he'? Or would it be better to use em dashes at the end and start of dialogue?
"Yes, Almighty (M)master."
"Why will you need two?" Rhuether asked. (")How many arrows does it take to pin him to the wall?"
I smiled, surprising myself (when?) I kept it steady.
"Understood, as well, Almighty Master. May I load my bow? ...."
--Do you need the ellipses at the end? It doesn't seem to add anything.
I watched the ease with which Justiz prepared the bow, first putting the front of the barrel, which was fitted with a cocking stirrup, against the floor.
--Do you need to go into this much detail? I think it's the mention of the 'cocking stirrup' that's making it seem too much. Also makes me wonder when Doctrex learnt so much about crossbows.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him leaning toward me about to pounce.
--You're slowing the action with the 'out of the corner of my eyes' addition. Strip to back to its bones for better pacing "He leaned towards me..."
With the speed of thought, I recalled from the myth how Pondria had, spun himself--Rhuether attached
--Same here with 'with the speed of thought'. Also, delete the comma.
Now, before the guard's hands reached my shoulder, with a gasp, he proceeded to spin up the wall to the ceiling,
--Can you rearrange this to be more active? Maybe start with Doctrex as the subject. eg: I saw the guard reaching, his fingers millimetres from my shoulder, and willed him..." Then a new sentence to show the guard spinning away. That way Doctrex is being actively resistance.
I turned in time to feel the heavy slap against my side and back, and look(ed?) down see the white serpent wrap his body
--delete comma
My feet lifted from the floor.
--add a physical sensation to this, like a squeezing, or maybe a second's disorientation at the sudden movement?
as I felt myself up to my chest in the embrace of the warm coils.
--Go for something more active here. Rather than have him feel the coils, show them curling around him.
The air forced out of my lungs caused my eyes to snap open.
--Add in a sentence before this to show the air being forced. Something like "My ribs creaked as the serpent's coils continued to squeeze..."
Again, my breath squeezed out of me.
--When did he manage to take a new breath?
With no more foothold(,) and my muscles flaccid from the effort
became suddenly detached from everything
--delete 'suddenly'.
below the calves, and up from the bottom of my feet(,) and again I f
--delete comma after 'calves'.
again I felt the dreaded intimacy as I once again broke through the surface.
--delete second 'again'.
The pink blossoms' name. Let me help you. They are called 'Clarna's Grief'.
--Should this be in italics?
From the myth ... Clarna's(,) Rhuether's and
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
 |
Nice timing with Axtilla's intervention, and with Doctrex's using his magic to destroy the second bolt/arrow. Good ending too, with Kyre's return and his interference once more.
I'm assuming Gorzi's not gone to fetch the battalion. Given the way he protected Hyl before, I'd expect his priority to be on getting Hyl to safety.
A couple of things to consider:
During Glnot's discussion with Justiz, it might be worth weaving in a few more thoughts from Doctrex--one's where he's reassessing his situation and considering his next action. He's feeling like a passive observer which seems out of character for him.
Also, with the action sequence, from the moment the arrow explodes until the time Kyre appears (with Doctrex becoming detached here, a slower pace works), I'd suggest trying to tighten up as much as possible. Shorten sentences where you can, so each is focused on the single subject/action, and cut out as much of Doctrex's thought as possible. I've given a few examples in my suggestions, but think it's worth going through again to try and speed up reading tempo.
Suggestions:
the arrow ricocheted
--With a traditional handheld crossbow, it's more likely to be firing bolts, which would be shorter and without the feathered fetching arrows have. Modern crossbows would fire arrows.
I don't know what I expected in the instant Rhuether's arm dropped.
--Is there a stronger way to say this? Something along the lines of his bracing for the impact even as he grabbed futilely for his magic? It would make it more active and keep the tension higher, I think.
Modern crossbows, on the other hand, do use arrows.
--In this paragraph, maybe throw an ironic thought into the mix about how he'd been pleading with Kyre to kill him not long ago, but now he... what? Wants to live? Is glad they'll be together in a second?
caressed my cheek, lips and ear, earlier.
--delete last comma
"Are you telling me what I felt?
--consider popping in a tag here, as Doctrex's thought intrudes on the flow of the conversation.
In the meantime ..." he motioned to the guard who had constrained me before. "We
--Should it be a capital letter for 'he'? Or would it be better to use em dashes at the end and start of dialogue?
"Yes, Almighty (M)master."
"Why will you need two?" Rhuether asked. (")How many arrows does it take to pin him to the wall?"
I smiled, surprising myself (when?) I kept it steady.
"Understood, as well, Almighty Master. May I load my bow? ...."
--Do you need the ellipses at the end? It doesn't seem to add anything.
I watched the ease with which Justiz prepared the bow, first putting the front of the barrel, which was fitted with a cocking stirrup, against the floor.
--Do you need to go into this much detail? I think it's the mention of the 'cocking stirrup' that's making it seem too much. Also makes me wonder when Doctrex learnt so much about crossbows.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him leaning toward me about to pounce.
--You're slowing the action with the 'out of the corner of my eyes' addition. Strip to back to its bones for better pacing "He leaned towards me..."
With the speed of thought, I recalled from the myth how Pondria had, spun himself--Rhuether attached
--Same here with 'with the speed of thought'. Also, delete the comma.
Now, before the guard's hands reached my shoulder, with a gasp, he proceeded to spin up the wall to the ceiling,
--Can you rearrange this to be more active? Maybe start with Doctrex as the subject. eg: I saw the guard reaching, his fingers millimetres from my shoulder, and willed him..." Then a new sentence to show the guard spinning away. That way Doctrex is being actively resistance.
I turned in time to feel the heavy slap against my side and back, and look(ed?) down see the white serpent wrap his body
--delete comma
My feet lifted from the floor.
--add a physical sensation to this, like a squeezing, or maybe a second's disorientation at the sudden movement?
as I felt myself up to my chest in the embrace of the warm coils.
--Go for something more active here. Rather than have him feel the coils, show them curling around him.
The air forced out of my lungs caused my eyes to snap open.
--Add in a sentence before this to show the air being forced. Something like "My ribs creaked as the serpent's coils continued to squeeze..."
Again, my breath squeezed out of me.
--When did he manage to take a new breath?
With no more foothold(,) and my muscles flaccid from the effort
became suddenly detached from everything
--delete 'suddenly'.
below the calves, and up from the bottom of my feet(,) and again I f
--delete comma after 'calves'.
again I felt the dreaded intimacy as I once again broke through the surface.
--delete second 'again'.
The pink blossoms' name. Let me help you. They are called 'Clarna's Grief'.
--Should this be in italics?
From the myth ... Clarna's(,) Rhuether's and
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Thanks, Alex for taking your review to another level. Many of the suggested changes I had to put into a folder, but unlike others I've done that to and addressed the suggestions a few days after the post drops, this one I'm pasting in my Scrivener notes for that chapter. Some of the changes would be far-reaching. I hope that makes sense. Here're the comments I made on your suggestions:
In the meantime ..." he motioned to the guard who had constrained me before. "We
--Should it be a capital letter for 'he'? [I anguished over that, myself. It follows a three dot ellipsis. If I capped ?He? I?d have to make the ellipsis a ?four dot,? right? And yet it?s not a complete sentence. Arrrrr.]
Do you need to go into this much detail? I think it's the mention of the 'cocking stirrup' that's making it seem too much. Also makes me wonder when Doctrex learnt so much about crossbows. [The detail was intentional. I wanted the reader to feel the growing tension, but your point about Doctrex knowing so much about crossbows is important. I?ll have a close look at that.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him leaning toward me about to pounce.
--You're slowing the action with the 'out of the corner of my eyes' addition. Strip to back to its bones for better pacing "He leaned towards me..." [Great advise]
With the speed of thought, I recalled from the myth how Pondria had, spun himself--Rhuether attached
--Same here with 'with the speed of thought'. [Also changed this. The reason I included the ?rather comic-bookish ?With the speed of thought? was that I needed to include (before his pounce) the mythic memory of the spinning twins. It was a timing thing. I changed them anyway. I know when I read it through as an edit if the timing thing still exists it will be a prominent problem.]
I turned in time to feel the heavy slap against my side and back, and look(ed?) down see the white serpent wrap his body [I had intended it to read: ?I turned in time TO feel the heavy slap against my side and back, and [TO] look down (which was why I didn?t go past tense ?. However since you?re the second person to mention slipping tenses, it probably would be better to keep it active past tense.]
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Makes sense. I pop the trickier things into my scrivener notes all the time.
With the crossbow, maybe if you put in details, but have Doctrex not know the proper names for the parts it would work as a compromise?
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Oh... use British punctuation for the ellipsis, then you won't need the fourth dot either way. ;) (sorry, couldn't resist.)
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That's a way. I used "darts" with the "automatic crossbow that was developed by the Kabeezan Army. I like bolts better.
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Jay, this is impressive writing. I held my breath, I smiled, and even laughed and then back to be serious. It's not only a fascinating story it's a fascinating write. All the best, Ulla:))
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Wow, Jay, this is impressive writing. I held my breath, I smiled, and even laughed and then back to be serious. It's not only a fascinating story it's a fascinating write. All the best, Ulla:))
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Thanks, Ulla. I feel so privileged having you reading so much of my story. Almost over, you know.
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Aww, I will miss it so much!!
Comment from Spitfire
This was an engrossing chapter from beginning to end, Jay. I enjoyed Axilla's successful attempts to save her lover.
Have you forgotten you almost died the last time you used physical magic? Don't be a fool, again, Brother."
Looks as if Rhuether should have paid attention.
Breath taking (pun intended) description of Pondria trying to battle the serpent. Violent chapter and very well done.
A virtual six. All out by Tuesday this week!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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This was an engrossing chapter from beginning to end, Jay. I enjoyed Axilla's successful attempts to save her lover.
Have you forgotten you almost died the last time you used physical magic? Don't be a fool, again, Brother."
Looks as if Rhuether should have paid attention.
Breath taking (pun intended) description of Pondria trying to battle the serpent. Violent chapter and very well done.
A virtual six. All out by Tuesday this week!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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I'll take the virtuous six, Shari. Virtue is so hard to come by in this day and age. LOL, thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I feel exhausted from the struggles of the characters in this chapter. So much is happening in the room that it's difficult to keep focused on the scene. One has to eliminate the minor characters and concentrate on the centre of the story. Having a snake phobia, I did not enjoy the bad odours produced, Jay.LOL Giddy
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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I feel exhausted from the struggles of the characters in this chapter. So much is happening in the room that it's difficult to keep focused on the scene. One has to eliminate the minor characters and concentrate on the centre of the story. Having a snake phobia, I did not enjoy the bad odours produced, Jay.LOL Giddy
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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I remember your contacts with snakes in your memoir. They were a bit littler, I believe. Yeah, I was running out of descriptions of the snake, so I thought I'd get into the odors. Thanks again for reading.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
Great chapter. Nice lead in to the next. Clarna's Grief was very clever. Nice and circular going back to last chapter and now forward. Ties all three together, magnifies the effect.
[I don't know what I expected in the instant Rhuether's arm dropped.] Nice opening sentence. And the first paragraph flows extremely smooth. I was to the dialogue before I knew it.
["I don't know how else you'll get the job done .... Go!"] I don't know if the humor was intentional, but Rhuether does seem a bit flustered. Good evil henchmen are really hard to find.
[I had the uncanny sensation of having a handful of leaves thrown in my face.] Nice. An unusual description but easy to visualize.
[The creatures began to crawl like thick gruel in a pot.] Nice description. I'd almost forgotten about them.
[With no more foothold a...] another nice description. This whole paragraph has excellent flow.
{The pain he feels now, though, is nothing so severe as he is about to feel.] Excellent. So a little bit of rope-a-dope! Nice timing on Kyre's return.
['Clarna's Grief'] this is good. So you pulled bits of this through the chapter, and it becomes your hook to pull them into the next. Nice and smooth. A family parable...
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Great chapter. Nice lead in to the next. Clarna's Grief was very clever. Nice and circular going back to last chapter and now forward. Ties all three together, magnifies the effect.
[I don't know what I expected in the instant Rhuether's arm dropped.] Nice opening sentence. And the first paragraph flows extremely smooth. I was to the dialogue before I knew it.
["I don't know how else you'll get the job done .... Go!"] I don't know if the humor was intentional, but Rhuether does seem a bit flustered. Good evil henchmen are really hard to find.
[I had the uncanny sensation of having a handful of leaves thrown in my face.] Nice. An unusual description but easy to visualize.
[The creatures began to crawl like thick gruel in a pot.] Nice description. I'd almost forgotten about them.
[With no more foothold a...] another nice description. This whole paragraph has excellent flow.
{The pain he feels now, though, is nothing so severe as he is about to feel.] Excellent. So a little bit of rope-a-dope! Nice timing on Kyre's return.
['Clarna's Grief'] this is good. So you pulled bits of this through the chapter, and it becomes your hook to pull them into the next. Nice and smooth. A family parable...
Comment Written 04-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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You have a unique reviewing style, Reed, and oh! so encouraging. I'm happy you're getting something personal out of the chapters. I can't wait for this to end and for the editing to get started. I want to use some seeding and foreshadowing to keep things like the myth and the types of magic in the readers' minds as they progress through the trilogy.
Thanks for doing your part in keeping my enthusiasm afloat.
Comment from barkingdog
The gust of wind and the arrows missing Pondra really threw Rheuther into a rage, forcing him to use his wrong, dangerous magic.
Great scene with Pondra near death, gasping for air, then Kyre asks him about the flower's name. Kyre divulges it and with that it appears that Rheuther's magic has turned against him. (I think.)
:) e
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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The gust of wind and the arrows missing Pondra really threw Rheuther into a rage, forcing him to use his wrong, dangerous magic.
Great scene with Pondra near death, gasping for air, then Kyre asks him about the flower's name. Kyre divulges it and with that it appears that Rheuther's magic has turned against him. (I think.)
:) e
Comment Written 04-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Thanks for reading, Ellen. Some complicated things are happening in this and the next chapter, with the full import not spelled out until the denouement. When I do the edit, I'll be strengthening the backstory by seeding and foreshadowing so it won't be so confusing now. It's just that I can't do a massive information dump in the chapter without being disingenuous to the readers.
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Foreshadowing would have helped. I'm pretty lost waiting for clarity, but trust that it's coming.
Comment from Ravenbrok
Such incredible imagery in this piece. I am a new Fanstory member, so I only have this chapter to review, but I plan on seeking out the others that preceded this one. I did have a bit of a problem following, however, I feel it is because of a lack of background information on my part, not yours. I look forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Such incredible imagery in this piece. I am a new Fanstory member, so I only have this chapter to review, but I plan on seeking out the others that preceded this one. I did have a bit of a problem following, however, I feel it is because of a lack of background information on my part, not yours. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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So good to have you aboard, Ravenbrok. This is the last of book III you are reading of the Trining trilogy. Perhaps 3 more chapters to go. You are very kind with your compliments. Thank you for that.
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Thank you, Jay. I have enjoyed my experience immensely, thus far. Your tale has left lasting images in my mind. I look forward to reading the entire compilation! But first, I must try to earn dollars to boost my little stories.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very strong, very descriptive chapter, building to something even larger, no doubt.
Well written with tension from start to finish. It's difficult to know how much can be sustained without it becoming repetitious. You did just enough.
great posting, Jay.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Very strong, very descriptive chapter, building to something even larger, no doubt.
Well written with tension from start to finish. It's difficult to know how much can be sustained without it becoming repetitious. You did just enough.
great posting, Jay.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Well! Thanks, Ray. I appreciate the six and the kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Just a couple more chapters and the editing begins. I'm hoping I can pop over to that British site and read your story today. I've been doing yard work today and now I feel so incredibly sleepy.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Hmmm, I am at a loss of what to write as a review. This post is extremely well written. You did a wonderful job writing the action and the descriptions. I always visualize the descriptions I write and with magic, I think that would be difficult. Good job.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Hmmm, I am at a loss of what to write as a review. This post is extremely well written. You did a wonderful job writing the action and the descriptions. I always visualize the descriptions I write and with magic, I think that would be difficult. Good job.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Thanks, Barbara. For the six and the kind words. I worked hard on this chapter. Thanks for recognizing it.
