THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "The End of Days?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
Wow! Great job, Jay! I was so thoroughly engrossed in the chapter that I didn't notice the length. Your cliffhanger ending is killing me, lol. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
splay-fingered,-- I don't know, but this sounded weird to me. Suggest splayed fingers?
potentate whose words must be obeyed, simply said, "no."-- Being that this is the first dialogue in the paragraph, I would suggest capitalizing No. Thoughts?
a mistake for which that one--" -- I stumbled on this. I would pick which and delete that.
The guard must have realized Rhuether's ineffectiveness because he balled his fist on the arm whose grip was against my flesh, and ground his knuckles just under my rib-cage.-- I consider 'whose grip was against my flesh' to be an aside. I would use offsetting commas.
He raised his eyebrows to me and his lips curled to a smirk.--Suggest a comma before your conjunction.
Overall, great story. The descriptive quality of the piece is top notch. Well done!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Wow! Great job, Jay! I was so thoroughly engrossed in the chapter that I didn't notice the length. Your cliffhanger ending is killing me, lol. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
splay-fingered,-- I don't know, but this sounded weird to me. Suggest splayed fingers?
potentate whose words must be obeyed, simply said, "no."-- Being that this is the first dialogue in the paragraph, I would suggest capitalizing No. Thoughts?
a mistake for which that one--" -- I stumbled on this. I would pick which and delete that.
The guard must have realized Rhuether's ineffectiveness because he balled his fist on the arm whose grip was against my flesh, and ground his knuckles just under my rib-cage.-- I consider 'whose grip was against my flesh' to be an aside. I would use offsetting commas.
He raised his eyebrows to me and his lips curled to a smirk.--Suggest a comma before your conjunction.
Overall, great story. The descriptive quality of the piece is top notch. Well done!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Bless you, Russell! For the six, but most especially for taking the time to give such a thorough review. I'm honored!
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very dramatic, Jay! The tension is unremitting and you carry it so very well. The dialog works for you too. I enjoyed this is spite of the length which didn't present a problem whatsoever.
Excellent job!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Very dramatic, Jay! The tension is unremitting and you carry it so very well. The dialog works for you too. I enjoyed this is spite of the length which didn't present a problem whatsoever.
Excellent job!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Ahhhhh, a sixer! Thanks, Ray. I'm so anxious for this whole thing to get finished, but the climax is so important I don't want to lop it off prematurely.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I think this is one of your best chapters yet. The emotion, drama and tension are well drawn and expressed. Grief and anger from Glnot, stoicism from Pondria/Doctrex.
The arm has dropped. Did the arrow fire? Did it hit its mark? I guess we'll have to wait and find out.
Great job, Jay.
Only one thing that kind of nudged me: simply said, "(N)o."
Look forward to the next!
Av
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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I think this is one of your best chapters yet. The emotion, drama and tension are well drawn and expressed. Grief and anger from Glnot, stoicism from Pondria/Doctrex.
The arm has dropped. Did the arrow fire? Did it hit its mark? I guess we'll have to wait and find out.
Great job, Jay.
Only one thing that kind of nudged me: simply said, "(N)o."
Look forward to the next!
Av
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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I'm so happy you came along, not just with a sixer, but a nudge. I capped the "No." Thanks for spotting it. I thought the next chapter would close out the climax, but I'm in the middle of it now and it looks like it'll go on for another chapter, then one for the denouement. So ... 3 more chapters and I get to start editing. I'm actually looking forward to that. Again ... thanks for the six stars!
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Time oh good time where have you gone, into the shadow, as with all a face smiles, u write beyond, taking us to the wonder you share, excellent and more, Walt
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Time oh good time where have you gone, into the shadow, as with all a face smiles, u write beyond, taking us to the wonder you share, excellent and more, Walt
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Ahhhh, Walt. Thanks so much. The six is great, your rhapsody greater. I think I've narrowed it down to 3 more chapters. Two for the climax, one for the denouement.
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et the good times ro;;
Comment from GWHARGIS
Well now, things certainly have turned south for Pondria. I am wondering if the Almighty Master will have the guard shoot Hyl just to mess with Pondria. It seems obvious the Pondria cares about people. Another strong chapter. Gretchen
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Well now, things certainly have turned south for Pondria. I am wondering if the Almighty Master will have the guard shoot Hyl just to mess with Pondria. It seems obvious the Pondria cares about people. Another strong chapter. Gretchen
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Gretchen. I'm glad you're so "into" this. I'm anxious for it to end. THanks for being here, for the long haul!
Comment from Dashjianta
Good levels of tension and drama in this chapter, Jay. Strong ending, too. I'm wondering if Doctrex will try to use Pondria's magic to sway the guard, or if something else will happen interrupt events.
One minor thing I didn't out in the suggestions: It felt like there were a lot of exclamation marks early on, before Axtilla's death's announced, so might be worth a skim to double check that.
Suggestion:
He told me it was urgent to speak to the Almighty Master.
--Consider 'he' in place of the first 'to'.
he raised a trembling hand and pointed at me--(")this one's name."
"So? There's more ...(?)"
and since his head (was) bowed, spilled, leaving tiny splats on the tile between his boots.
but realizing what was happening, in the time it took to suck in a mouthful of air, I heard an unmistakable smack of flesh-against-flesh.
--I was expecting Doctrex to do/say something when you say "realizing what was happening". It doesn't quite gel with "I heard..." as he'd hear it regardless of what he realised. Hope that's making sense.
mere children lured by the promise of adventure and glory of the Almighty Master's Great March to the Southern Provinces.
--This sentence doesn't work. I want to put 'the' in front of glory because it's referring to a specific glory, than than a general one, but that's not sounding right either. Maybe change 'of' to 'with'? Though that might not fit either as the March is a thing, rather than the army doing it.
With that, his eyes rolled back(,) and he collapsed in a tangle of limbs.
His hands, splay-fingered, hung suspended on either side of his slow, side-to-side moving head.
--I normally enjoy your descriptions of people's actions (even though I'm not great at picking them out) but this one is feeling overworked to me. The 'side-to-side moving head' part sounds awkward. 'shaking head' may be a better fit here.
--Also, would it be better to have Glnot hold his hands to his ears to shut out the news here?
He whimpered(,) and his shoulders sagged
pulled them back up straight again, and cleared his throat.
--Delete comma: no new subject after 'and'.
Remarkably, the nocked arrow had survived the fall to the tile without firing.
--It seems a little late to note this now. Might be better to make the observation when the crossbow's first dropped, or omit altogether.
Rhuether's eyes snapped open, but didn't seem to focus on anything.
--Delete comma.
"You did (it?). You killed her."
--Otherwise the 'you did' feels like it should follow what he last said, but it doesn't.
used your magic on the guards, went inside and you killed her.
--Delete 'you' for better flow.
The image was so bizarre it took the effort of will not to smile.
--Not sure about 'the effort of will' here. Maybe 'all my will'?
I saw the stretched(,) white skin
I woke to realize someone's fingers--Rhuether's?--(were) lifting my jaw from my chest.
--OR change 'realize' to 'find'.
The blood oozed from a tuft of mangled skin on my inner cheek[,](.) I swallowed, grimaced.
The other guard didn't bother to help, but just pulled his attention away from the drama that was unfolding thirty feet away, to give them a desultory glance.
--Delete the 'but' and the second comma. (Not 100% on this.)
The guard considered Hyl(,) who was recuperating, but still groggy.
--delete comma before 'but'.
He raised his eyebrows to me(,) and his lips curled to a smirk.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2016
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Good levels of tension and drama in this chapter, Jay. Strong ending, too. I'm wondering if Doctrex will try to use Pondria's magic to sway the guard, or if something else will happen interrupt events.
One minor thing I didn't out in the suggestions: It felt like there were a lot of exclamation marks early on, before Axtilla's death's announced, so might be worth a skim to double check that.
Suggestion:
He told me it was urgent to speak to the Almighty Master.
--Consider 'he' in place of the first 'to'.
he raised a trembling hand and pointed at me--(")this one's name."
"So? There's more ...(?)"
and since his head (was) bowed, spilled, leaving tiny splats on the tile between his boots.
but realizing what was happening, in the time it took to suck in a mouthful of air, I heard an unmistakable smack of flesh-against-flesh.
--I was expecting Doctrex to do/say something when you say "realizing what was happening". It doesn't quite gel with "I heard..." as he'd hear it regardless of what he realised. Hope that's making sense.
mere children lured by the promise of adventure and glory of the Almighty Master's Great March to the Southern Provinces.
--This sentence doesn't work. I want to put 'the' in front of glory because it's referring to a specific glory, than than a general one, but that's not sounding right either. Maybe change 'of' to 'with'? Though that might not fit either as the March is a thing, rather than the army doing it.
With that, his eyes rolled back(,) and he collapsed in a tangle of limbs.
His hands, splay-fingered, hung suspended on either side of his slow, side-to-side moving head.
--I normally enjoy your descriptions of people's actions (even though I'm not great at picking them out) but this one is feeling overworked to me. The 'side-to-side moving head' part sounds awkward. 'shaking head' may be a better fit here.
--Also, would it be better to have Glnot hold his hands to his ears to shut out the news here?
He whimpered(,) and his shoulders sagged
pulled them back up straight again, and cleared his throat.
--Delete comma: no new subject after 'and'.
Remarkably, the nocked arrow had survived the fall to the tile without firing.
--It seems a little late to note this now. Might be better to make the observation when the crossbow's first dropped, or omit altogether.
Rhuether's eyes snapped open, but didn't seem to focus on anything.
--Delete comma.
"You did (it?). You killed her."
--Otherwise the 'you did' feels like it should follow what he last said, but it doesn't.
used your magic on the guards, went inside and you killed her.
--Delete 'you' for better flow.
The image was so bizarre it took the effort of will not to smile.
--Not sure about 'the effort of will' here. Maybe 'all my will'?
I saw the stretched(,) white skin
I woke to realize someone's fingers--Rhuether's?--(were) lifting my jaw from my chest.
--OR change 'realize' to 'find'.
The blood oozed from a tuft of mangled skin on my inner cheek[,](.) I swallowed, grimaced.
The other guard didn't bother to help, but just pulled his attention away from the drama that was unfolding thirty feet away, to give them a desultory glance.
--Delete the 'but' and the second comma. (Not 100% on this.)
The guard considered Hyl(,) who was recuperating, but still groggy.
--delete comma before 'but'.
He raised his eyebrows to me(,) and his lips curled to a smirk.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2016
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Just finished going over your suggestions. There's a reason I usually wait until much later to consider them. They are ALWAYS so cogent and helpful. I don't want to give them a cursory glance. I had some time, though, now so I went over them. GOLD! Pure GOLD!
Does this help with the sentence you had trouble with?
"...mere children lured by the promise of adventure and the glory of participating in the Almighty Master's Great March to the Southern Provinces."
Also, would it be better to have Glnot hold his hands to his ears to shut out the news here? [brilliant! And it will sound like MY brilliance. See it this is closer. Still not happy with it, but it?s better: Slack-mouthed, Rhuether stared straight ahead through the empty space that Hyl had occupied before he fell. Slowly he raised his hands and clamped them over his ears, and he began to shake his head.
Remarkably, the nocked arrow had survived the fall to the tile without firing.
--It seems a little late to note this now. Might be better to make the observation when the crossbow's first dropped, or omit altogether. [Absolutely! It has been changed, and fits so nicely there. There?s a reason, shown in next chapter, why it can?t be omitted.]
The blood oozed from a tuft of mangled skin on my inner cheek[,](.) I swallowed, grimaced. What? What?s that? I gibbet writers for their run-on sentences. Are you sure you didn?t just sneak that in to embarrass me? LOL, thanks, Alex.
The other suggestions for flow and concerning commas I took care of. All good advise.
Thank you so much, Alex.
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Both those sentence changes are much better. Adding 'participating in' has got the first flowing now. A couple of suggestions for the other:
Slack-mouthed, Rhuether stared straight ahead through the empty space [that] Hyl had occupied before he fell. Slowly(,) he raised his hands and clamped them over his ears, and he began to shake his head.
--And, can you show him being slow. You could have his hands rising in judders, for example. eg: "He raised his hands, in by juddering inch, and"
--Also, for the second sentence, I'm tempted to say kill the first 'and' so you can remove the second 'he' for smoother flow.
I've started my read throughs of Jared so I can get back in his head, and I'm driving myself mad. Got to the part where the Canri host the welcome feast and games and there are chunks of it where I'm going, "no, no, no, far too listy." So, after the best part of a day arguing with myself, I've decided to carry on reading, fix the minor SPAG (a few typos and comma errors, mostly), read through book 2 and 3 as planned, do the big edit on book 3 (which should be relatively straightforward, apart from the start, which needs reworked into the start of a book), and then print off all 3 books again, grab a highlighter, and just highlight anything that gives me the 'no, no, no' feeling. In a way following the editing advice in the 2k-10k book, but somewhat in reverse, lol. And hopefully by that stage I'll have figured out HOW to fix those 'no, no, no,' bits, which is where I'm hitting a wall at the moment.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
There was so much action in this chapter, it seemed short rather that long to me, Jay. But what happened to the revolt they were planning? I expected more soldiers to appear and kill Rheuter. I picked up on the detail you do so well when describing his actions - tears and everything. Really appreciate seeing that, a great teaching tool, Giddy
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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There was so much action in this chapter, it seemed short rather that long to me, Jay. But what happened to the revolt they were planning? I expected more soldiers to appear and kill Rheuter. I picked up on the detail you do so well when describing his actions - tears and everything. Really appreciate seeing that, a great teaching tool, Giddy
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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You made me feel great about the length of the chapter, Giddy. I'm so thrilled you enjoyed it. Next chapter should prove even more exciting ... I hope. Thanks SO much for the six stars.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter earlier in the day, well by the time I get finished with my review, it might be tomorrow, but the point is... I read this through without my reviewing hat on, just because I wanted to see what was happening, what was going to happen. I enjoyed the protective nature of one guard to the other in the face of the Almighty. I liked the anxiety of Ruether finding out that Axtilla is dead and his reaction... the immediate call for execution added great suspense. Not sure what Kyre expects to happen, or if Pondria/Doctrex will even survive... A very strong and entertaining chapter.
me--(")this one's name."
(missing quote)
He stopped briefly to smile over at the lean young guard who held the crossbow.
(odd that he smiled, kind of mean really... made the sweating and nervousness seem odd to smile over)
eaving tiny splats on the tile between his boots.
(nice details showing his distress, good flow)
blur of Rhuether's open palm coming around into view.
(nice show reminder of Rhuether's ruthlessness, his callous side)
the sound a child might make after his father has given him the first whack, and he {cowers}(cowered?), anticipating the pain of the second, knowing it's coming, yet not knowing when it will arrive.
(paused here... the flow of this analogy might be mixed. Gives the flow of. And he whined, making the sound a child might make, and he cowers... (feels like a tense jump... not sure if this is supposed to be the figurative child cowering but it seems off)
side of his slow, side-to-side moving head. The remaining guards had
(not sure about the 'side-to-side' moving head. odd)
"No, there has been a mistake; a mistake for which that one--(")he pointed to the unmoving Hyl (")--will assuredly pay."
(I thought that with motion in dialog still has the quotes for the interrupts)
fullest depth, as I had?
(nice compromise of understanding while acknowledging that Glnot's monsterousness has to be stopped )
I watched the small, convulsive movements of his back[,]? and the wide-eyed perplexity
He whimpered and his shoulders sagged just an instant, before he pulled them back up straight again[,] and cleared his throat. "No, no, no ... This one--I don't
(this pair of commas paused me... the second, I'm thinking could be part of the interupt... otherwise... I couldn't make sense of the first comma. I'm questioning both of them though.)
Rhuether, his sword and I tumbled away from them.
(nice abrupt action)
"Almighty Master, should I get the medic?" he asked[,] in a soothing voice.
(suggest no comma)
The blood oozed from a tuft of mangled skin on my inner cheek, I swallowed,
(Really strong visuals and sense of taste. Like mangled and oozed.)
against my flesh[,]? and ground his knuckles just under my rib-cage.
The guard considered Hyl(,) who was recuperating[,] but still groggy. He gave a
(my suggestion on the commas move it over...)
"Goodbye, Pondria," he said[,] in weary disdain.
(suggest no comma)
Nice cliff-hanger too.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter earlier in the day, well by the time I get finished with my review, it might be tomorrow, but the point is... I read this through without my reviewing hat on, just because I wanted to see what was happening, what was going to happen. I enjoyed the protective nature of one guard to the other in the face of the Almighty. I liked the anxiety of Ruether finding out that Axtilla is dead and his reaction... the immediate call for execution added great suspense. Not sure what Kyre expects to happen, or if Pondria/Doctrex will even survive... A very strong and entertaining chapter.
me--(")this one's name."
(missing quote)
He stopped briefly to smile over at the lean young guard who held the crossbow.
(odd that he smiled, kind of mean really... made the sweating and nervousness seem odd to smile over)
eaving tiny splats on the tile between his boots.
(nice details showing his distress, good flow)
blur of Rhuether's open palm coming around into view.
(nice show reminder of Rhuether's ruthlessness, his callous side)
the sound a child might make after his father has given him the first whack, and he {cowers}(cowered?), anticipating the pain of the second, knowing it's coming, yet not knowing when it will arrive.
(paused here... the flow of this analogy might be mixed. Gives the flow of. And he whined, making the sound a child might make, and he cowers... (feels like a tense jump... not sure if this is supposed to be the figurative child cowering but it seems off)
side of his slow, side-to-side moving head. The remaining guards had
(not sure about the 'side-to-side' moving head. odd)
"No, there has been a mistake; a mistake for which that one--(")he pointed to the unmoving Hyl (")--will assuredly pay."
(I thought that with motion in dialog still has the quotes for the interrupts)
fullest depth, as I had?
(nice compromise of understanding while acknowledging that Glnot's monsterousness has to be stopped )
I watched the small, convulsive movements of his back[,]? and the wide-eyed perplexity
He whimpered and his shoulders sagged just an instant, before he pulled them back up straight again[,] and cleared his throat. "No, no, no ... This one--I don't
(this pair of commas paused me... the second, I'm thinking could be part of the interupt... otherwise... I couldn't make sense of the first comma. I'm questioning both of them though.)
Rhuether, his sword and I tumbled away from them.
(nice abrupt action)
"Almighty Master, should I get the medic?" he asked[,] in a soothing voice.
(suggest no comma)
The blood oozed from a tuft of mangled skin on my inner cheek, I swallowed,
(Really strong visuals and sense of taste. Like mangled and oozed.)
against my flesh[,]? and ground his knuckles just under my rib-cage.
The guard considered Hyl(,) who was recuperating[,] but still groggy. He gave a
(my suggestion on the commas move it over...)
"Goodbye, Pondria," he said[,] in weary disdain.
(suggest no comma)
Nice cliff-hanger too.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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He stopped briefly to smile over at the lean young guard who held the crossbow.
(odd that he smiled, kind of mean really... made the sweating and nervousness seem odd to smile over) [[ I'll work that over, Turtle. I was trying for a smile of sympathy, not meanness. I think he realizes Hyl should be the one to explain it to Rhuether since he was the one who found her dead. Both of them are petrified of Rhuether, though. I definitely don't want a meanness to come through, though...]]
The above is why I so value your reviews. It's also why I paste them over to my folder for the final edit after my novel closes. My fear is you might go back for a reread of my chapter and see the changes haven't been made, and your suggestions not argued against, and you might say WHY BOTHER! Believe me, your suggestions are GOLD!!! (I know, multiple punctuation ... bad!)
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Yeah, his later behavior implied a concern for welfare, but the smile and words came off as initially smug? Like, ha ha, you have to tell him while he's horrified to have to. Like, phew i'll let you say she's dead. I expect the mood to be grim, and conerned, and serious but I couldn't see it over the *smile* you tell him.
Thanks for appreciating my reviews, Jay, and letting me know. I try not to look back unless asked, as I can?t seem to help but offer my thoughts, tho the other day, I did wonder about the folder.
Comment from MTF1955
Excellent chapter. The tension between the brothers is well done. Also their love for the same woman is fully realized. Great job. Look forward to the next chapter. Mary
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Excellent chapter. The tension between the brothers is well done. Also their love for the same woman is fully realized. Great job. Look forward to the next chapter. Mary
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much, Mary. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Well, I am sure I don't want Pondria to die, but according to this post I have no option, but I am wondering if you don't have something up your sleeve. I will have to wait and see.
You told me the seer demanded that I learn cooperation. Isn't that right, Pondria?" (beginning quotation marks???)
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Well, I am sure I don't want Pondria to die, but according to this post I have no option, but I am wondering if you don't have something up your sleeve. I will have to wait and see.
You told me the seer demanded that I learn cooperation. Isn't that right, Pondria?" (beginning quotation marks???)
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Barbara for catching that lack of an open quote. Fixed it, thank you. I always have something up my sleeve for the patiently waiting.
