THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Assassinate the One Who Loves You"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
31 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
I read this yesterday and always get caught up in your descriptiveness and Doctrex's insane hallucinations. Just when I think he's sane, he starts seeing things on the ceiling again.
Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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I read this yesterday and always get caught up in your descriptiveness and Doctrex's insane hallucinations. Just when I think he's sane, he starts seeing things on the ceiling again.
Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
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It posted this time. You're very welcome.
:) e
Comment from innerworlds
I have a lot of catching up to before this chapter reveals its full meaning. But the intrigue and suspense that develops (even in just one chapter), and the creation of believable characters (good or evil) are still very much your trademark. And, once again, I'm hooked on the Trining.
Nice work, Jay!
innerworlds
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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I have a lot of catching up to before this chapter reveals its full meaning. But the intrigue and suspense that develops (even in just one chapter), and the creation of believable characters (good or evil) are still very much your trademark. And, once again, I'm hooked on the Trining.
Nice work, Jay!
innerworlds
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
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Either your replies have a thing for you and want to stay close by, or we're talking about a computer that likes to have the last laugh. I'd put my money on the latter. This is the second time I've had to type this reply. The first one disappeared into thin air. ?????
A thank you is always nice to receive...but hugs are even better!
It's nice to have the Trining in my head again. Gotta find out how it ends!!!
Blessings!
Randi
Comment from Fridayauthor
Rather long but I read it twice and it moves along smoothly. Very descriptive with good dialog. The ending is especially well done.
I did wonder a bit over the transition from the opening to the calmness making the bed and picking up the clothes.
Also, a couple of picky things that just sounded a bit better to me...
pulse throbbed in my throat and I cowered against
pulse throbbed,my throat constricted and I cowered against
and I cowered against the vision
and I cowered from the vision
Very good posting, very well written as usual.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Rather long but I read it twice and it moves along smoothly. Very descriptive with good dialog. The ending is especially well done.
I did wonder a bit over the transition from the opening to the calmness making the bed and picking up the clothes.
Also, a couple of picky things that just sounded a bit better to me...
pulse throbbed in my throat and I cowered against
pulse throbbed,my throat constricted and I cowered against
and I cowered against the vision
and I cowered from the vision
Very good posting, very well written as usual.
Thanks!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug. I know, Ray, rude, but I'm so damned frustrated. See you end of month.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, another fine chapter which I thoroughly enjoyed. Your prose is flowery and on the brink of being wordy, something I would never get away with. But you master it, somehow. It does take concentrating to read and that is a good thing I suppose, as it still keeps me reading rather than skipping over it. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Hi Jay, another fine chapter which I thoroughly enjoyed. Your prose is flowery and on the brink of being wordy, something I would never get away with. But you master it, somehow. It does take concentrating to read and that is a good thing I suppose, as it still keeps me reading rather than skipping over it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
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Aww, Jay, I don't know what can have happened there. But thanks a lot for this great message. :)))
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Jay. It's been a while since you've posted a chapter, mate, I hope you have been well and relaxing.
"I reminded myself, as I had before, it was all torchlight and shadows--but why then could I now feel the wind of their whipping wings?" (That is some scary psychedelic imagery right there, Sir.)
"Over what seemed like a half-hour, but what was, in all likelihood--given the pliancy of time--" (Perfect placement.)
"He nodded. "You said 'Glnot', and then you started smiling." He stared at me, waiting.
"(Ouch!)
"A bramble of voices outside the door drew Rhuether's attention away from me." ( A lucky break.)
Very nicely written and has your usual, expert dialogue. A powerful finish to keep me in suspense. I think those chaps had better start talking, soon. Great job.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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G'day Jay. It's been a while since you've posted a chapter, mate, I hope you have been well and relaxing.
"I reminded myself, as I had before, it was all torchlight and shadows--but why then could I now feel the wind of their whipping wings?" (That is some scary psychedelic imagery right there, Sir.)
"Over what seemed like a half-hour, but what was, in all likelihood--given the pliancy of time--" (Perfect placement.)
"He nodded. "You said 'Glnot', and then you started smiling." He stared at me, waiting.
"(Ouch!)
"A bramble of voices outside the door drew Rhuether's attention away from me." ( A lucky break.)
Very nicely written and has your usual, expert dialogue. A powerful finish to keep me in suspense. I think those chaps had better start talking, soon. Great job.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
Comment from Spitfire
I know it's your style, Jay, but the long sentences coil around my brain like serpents. Example:
My pulse throbbed in my throat and I cowered against the vision of a viper slithering across the bullfrog's face, over the surface of one eye, while the other eye blinked tranquilly.
To me, this is wordy. Same as:
Simply thinking of my earlier terrors caused my eyes to flicker toward the ceiling before an act of the sheerest will brought them back.
His eyes roved from my chin to my mouth, causing me to wonder if I was trembling, and then settled on my eyes.
(Notice how many times you say "my". )
A bramble of voices outside the door drew Rhuether's attention away from me.
Why not:
Voices outside the door drew Rhuether's attention.
Just my opinion, but as I say it's not my genre. An editor might love what I see as smothering prose.
Five stars anyway since I don't know how valid my critique is anyway.
Shari XX
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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I know it's your style, Jay, but the long sentences coil around my brain like serpents. Example:
My pulse throbbed in my throat and I cowered against the vision of a viper slithering across the bullfrog's face, over the surface of one eye, while the other eye blinked tranquilly.
To me, this is wordy. Same as:
Simply thinking of my earlier terrors caused my eyes to flicker toward the ceiling before an act of the sheerest will brought them back.
His eyes roved from my chin to my mouth, causing me to wonder if I was trembling, and then settled on my eyes.
(Notice how many times you say "my". )
A bramble of voices outside the door drew Rhuether's attention away from me.
Why not:
Voices outside the door drew Rhuether's attention.
Just my opinion, but as I say it's not my genre. An editor might love what I see as smothering prose.
Five stars anyway since I don't know how valid my critique is anyway.
Shari XX
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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Don't change, Shari. I love your review. Almost as much as I love long, serpentine sentences. LOL, but what were you thinking about trying to get me to remove "Bramble" from the voices in the hall. Puh-leeze. I love you, Shari, but you can't get me to be a Hemingway, when my soul is with Faulkner. You rock, Shari!
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I knew you'd fight for
bramble.
It was an interesting use of the word and made me sit up and pay attention.
That's a good thing.
Faulkner is so difficult to get through.
Hemingway is like a branch without leaves although I did like The Old Man and the Sea.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Your writing is not necessarily and easy read. My husband keep coming in to speak with me and I would have to go back and reread so it made sense. I couldn't just pick up where I left off. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It actually has substance to it. I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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Your writing is not necessarily and easy read. My husband keep coming in to speak with me and I would have to go back and reread so it made sense. I couldn't just pick up where I left off. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It actually has substance to it. I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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You gotta learn to tell your hubby to butt out! LOL, it isn't easy to read. That will have to be addressed in the edit.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Another very fine post, Jay. And another good hook! Leave us hanging, why dontcha!
Notes and observations:
I lay on my back, arms like taut ropes, bed sheet fisted in both white-knuckled hands at my side. I gaped at the coiling, constrictor-like creatures on the ceiling, some the girth of a man's thigh; a myriad of eyes pulsed yellow-to- red-to-orange, like fanned coals; elsewhere, gray, spoked wings flapped and slapped against each other as massive bat-like birds tried to disentangle themselves and lift off. - Great 'trip', Jay! This entire paragraph.
my throat burning from the claws of new sobs. - love that!
the sheaf of his sword, - do you mean 'sheath'? In the case of a sword, it's a scabbard.
by a wave of acidy nausea. - I think it should be 'acidic'
Was he wearing it when he greeted his throngs of new followers, the commoners who knelt before their Almighty Master, posing on the dais above them? Did the Almighty Master deign a glance down also at the 4 stakes, one bearing the head of the deposed emperor, looking a little naked and embarrassed, and the others of his generals, staring with fish-eyed bewilderment? - awesome writing.
Solid as ever. Bravo. Look forward to the next.
Av
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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Another very fine post, Jay. And another good hook! Leave us hanging, why dontcha!
Notes and observations:
I lay on my back, arms like taut ropes, bed sheet fisted in both white-knuckled hands at my side. I gaped at the coiling, constrictor-like creatures on the ceiling, some the girth of a man's thigh; a myriad of eyes pulsed yellow-to- red-to-orange, like fanned coals; elsewhere, gray, spoked wings flapped and slapped against each other as massive bat-like birds tried to disentangle themselves and lift off. - Great 'trip', Jay! This entire paragraph.
my throat burning from the claws of new sobs. - love that!
the sheaf of his sword, - do you mean 'sheath'? In the case of a sword, it's a scabbard.
by a wave of acidy nausea. - I think it should be 'acidic'
Was he wearing it when he greeted his throngs of new followers, the commoners who knelt before their Almighty Master, posing on the dais above them? Did the Almighty Master deign a glance down also at the 4 stakes, one bearing the head of the deposed emperor, looking a little naked and embarrassed, and the others of his generals, staring with fish-eyed bewilderment? - awesome writing.
Solid as ever. Bravo. Look forward to the next.
Av
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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Thrilled you enjoyed this, Av, and maintained enough critical composure to gently whisper the SPAG in my ear. They've been attended to, thanks to you.
Comment from lancellot
A very nuanced chapter. I like the great detail to the smallest of movements and how their minds are so keen on body language. They are desperate to know. Good ending also, makes the reader hunger for more.
Feeling nauseous, I concentrated on slowing my heartbeat.
( Good line. This is what most people to do.)
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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A very nuanced chapter. I like the great detail to the smallest of movements and how their minds are so keen on body language. They are desperate to know. Good ending also, makes the reader hunger for more.
Feeling nauseous, I concentrated on slowing my heartbeat.
( Good line. This is what most people to do.)
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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So kind, Lance. Thanks for the gracious rating and wonderful words. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from krprice
I glanced. . . delete that.
Excellent chapter. You do such a wonderful job of getting into Doctrex's head of showing what is going on.
Karlene
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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I glanced. . . delete that.
Excellent chapter. You do such a wonderful job of getting into Doctrex's head of showing what is going on.
Karlene
Comment Written 20-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016
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Many thanks, Karlene. I'll put "glanced" in the find/delete function and see how I use it. It's more difficult, in the first person, to avoid those kinds of abrasions, but I try.
