THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 " Is the Alliance With Chiel Wise?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
45 total reviews
Comment from GWHARGIS
Good interaction between the three men. I like that Bips is smart enough to listen to Doctrex. You really did a great job showing the fear of the tailor ad he presented the jacket. Great chapter. Gretchen
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Good interaction between the three men. I like that Bips is smart enough to listen to Doctrex. You really did a great job showing the fear of the tailor ad he presented the jacket. Great chapter. Gretchen
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Gretchen. There will be further repercussion on the tailor next chapter.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Jay, I am amazed at how you've managed to resurrect your lost chapters from memory.
And now the stage is set for war. As for the poor little tailor...
Another compelling chapter, friend. Thank you!
Sonali
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Jay, I am amazed at how you've managed to resurrect your lost chapters from memory.
And now the stage is set for war. As for the poor little tailor...
Another compelling chapter, friend. Thank you!
Sonali
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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This only bears a passing resemblance to the original, Sonali. Certainly longer. I'm glad it's passing muster for you, though. I am so ready for it to end.
Comment from Loren (7)
Did I read somewhere that this was an ultimate story of redemption? If so, I'm seeing it through your characterization of Chiel in his compassion. He seems a paradox of sort. I loved this line: "...burrowing through the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power which could grow the way of tolerance or the way of tyranny." Wow, this is the type of introspective writing I enjoy. The warfare, not so much :) I've got a lot to try and catch up to/with, but you are such a prolific writer I can't/won't make any insincere promises. Loren
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Did I read somewhere that this was an ultimate story of redemption? If so, I'm seeing it through your characterization of Chiel in his compassion. He seems a paradox of sort. I loved this line: "...burrowing through the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power which could grow the way of tolerance or the way of tyranny." Wow, this is the type of introspective writing I enjoy. The warfare, not so much :) I've got a lot to try and catch up to/with, but you are such a prolific writer I can't/won't make any insincere promises. Loren
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Loren, I thank you so much for the 6 stars and the kind, kind words. I wouldn't expect you to try to catch up. Pick it up in Barnes and Noble in 5 or 6 years. Or better yet see if the movie compares with the original. LOL, where would be be without those dreams. 76 and in Bakersfield.
Comment from boxergirl
Hi Jay, This was another very engaging read. The dialogue and descriptive details were strong as Doctrex and the two others plotted their takeover. And yhen poor Corl...I certainly could feel his pain and his reluctance to conversate with Doctrex in any way. We see another example of Doctrex's compassion when he shows concern for Corl.
Good stuff! :-)
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Hi Jay, This was another very engaging read. The dialogue and descriptive details were strong as Doctrex and the two others plotted their takeover. And yhen poor Corl...I certainly could feel his pain and his reluctance to conversate with Doctrex in any way. We see another example of Doctrex's compassion when he shows concern for Corl.
Good stuff! :-)
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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You are so kind, Karen. I appreciate the generous 6 and your equally generous words. Thanks for being a loyal follower of this novel.
Comment from Dashjianta
Poor Corl! That sounds like a nasty beating he's taken--hopefully not fatal. Time to hope Chiel's choice of messenger is a good one, and that the message reaches him safely--and that nobody thinks to count the sheets of paper and notices one's missing.
A few minor nits:
security until then. We'll have a lot of details to work out between now and then.
--Use 'in the meantime' rather than 'between now and then' to avoid repeat of 'then'.
nearly(,) but not quite, sloshing its scalding
I took it from him(,) [and] set it on the bed and turned back [to him].
--Delete the parts inside square brackets.
"Thank you(,) General Doctrex."
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Poor Corl! That sounds like a nasty beating he's taken--hopefully not fatal. Time to hope Chiel's choice of messenger is a good one, and that the message reaches him safely--and that nobody thinks to count the sheets of paper and notices one's missing.
A few minor nits:
security until then. We'll have a lot of details to work out between now and then.
--Use 'in the meantime' rather than 'between now and then' to avoid repeat of 'then'.
nearly(,) but not quite, sloshing its scalding
I took it from him(,) [and] set it on the bed and turned back [to him].
--Delete the parts inside square brackets.
"Thank you(,) General Doctrex."
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thanks, Alex. Hey, is my editing getting better? This is the shortest list I've had from you in a long time. Every single suggestion made sense. I made all the changes and humbly thank you for spotting them.
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Aye. I didn't find much to pick on (err, suggest) this time.
Comment from Dawn Munro
"...burrowing through the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power which could grow the way of tolerance or the way of tyranny." - this is what sets your writing apart, Jay - just one example. This is literature, fine literature.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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"...burrowing through the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power which could grow the way of tolerance or the way of tyranny." - this is what sets your writing apart, Jay - just one example. This is literature, fine literature.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Dawn, you are a sweetheart! Thank you so much for your generous six stars and your kind remarks.
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It was my pleasure!
Comment from June Estep Fiorelli
This is a good one, Jay. There's more action and less telling, for one thing, so it moves at a good pace, and there's tension build up. Of course there are always my "few things".
In para. 3: Since his nostrils flared, isn't it clear it's through his nose? Seems redundant.
In para. beginning "Chiel's head slumped" there's an awkward sentence which reads "...and being about six inches...." How about "...and, though six inches shorter, reached up..." deleting {could do little but} as unnecessary. So, final simple sentence: Bips stepped over, and, though six inches shorter, reached up and cupped his palm on his leader's shoulder.
Next para. starting "listen..." I feel it inappropriate to have Bops smile. Maybe just cock his lip....I'll settle for a half smile.
In the scene with Corl' entrance: I think we should know about the blackened eye much sooner. Doctrex had to see the eye in order to say what he said, otherwise to what is he reacting? . Later it could dawn on Doctrex that the fear he sees is because Corl thinks he was behind it.
Later than bedtime here, and so goodnight
Good chapter.
June
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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This is a good one, Jay. There's more action and less telling, for one thing, so it moves at a good pace, and there's tension build up. Of course there are always my "few things".
In para. 3: Since his nostrils flared, isn't it clear it's through his nose? Seems redundant.
In para. beginning "Chiel's head slumped" there's an awkward sentence which reads "...and being about six inches...." How about "...and, though six inches shorter, reached up..." deleting {could do little but} as unnecessary. So, final simple sentence: Bips stepped over, and, though six inches shorter, reached up and cupped his palm on his leader's shoulder.
Next para. starting "listen..." I feel it inappropriate to have Bops smile. Maybe just cock his lip....I'll settle for a half smile.
In the scene with Corl' entrance: I think we should know about the blackened eye much sooner. Doctrex had to see the eye in order to say what he said, otherwise to what is he reacting? . Later it could dawn on Doctrex that the fear he sees is because Corl thinks he was behind it.
Later than bedtime here, and so goodnight
Good chapter.
June
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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So nice to get such a meaty review from you again, June. I took care of the flaring nostrils and breathing nose. Agreed wholeheartedly. Your rewrite of the sentence where Bips' palm was on Chiel's shoulder was so spot on I simply pasted it in.
I saw no problem with Bips' smile. It clearly wasn't seen by Chiel and it expresses a natural affinity with Doctrex that was evident earlier.
I kinda see what you mean about Doctrex noticing Corl's black eyes earlier and I'll look that over in the next edit. He responded to his injuries in general quickly enough. To me, the blackened eyes weren't as prominent as evidence of broken ribs. But I'll look it over.
Once again, June. You are an asset to me. I appreciate you!
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It's always good to be appreciated, and I thank you for saying it. I don't expect other writers to change their work according to June, but I'm glad when my observations are helpful.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay
= My Doctrex is on the rise! He be da man!
= That poor tailor. But, Doctrex was right to rock the boat.
= Excellent chapter with continuing to slowly build the timetable.
<> Comma with direct address.
"Thank you(,) General Doctrex."
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie <> Jax (*>*)
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Hi, Jay
= My Doctrex is on the rise! He be da man!
= That poor tailor. But, Doctrex was right to rock the boat.
= Excellent chapter with continuing to slowly build the timetable.
<> Comma with direct address.
"Thank you(,) General Doctrex."
* Cheers & Blessings *
Keep Smilin'... Jackie <> Jax (*>*)
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thanks again, Jax. We'll see how right Doctrex was to rock the boat.
Comment from DonandVicki
A good continuation to your story. well written and easy to follow along. I like your stlye as it flows well. Good character development.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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A good continuation to your story. well written and easy to follow along. I like your stlye as it flows well. Good character development.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Don and Vicki. Happy you're hanging on and reading them.
Comment from chasennov
Everyone On the Same Page. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Is the Alliance With Chiel Wise?' I'm cuffed to be reading another excellent chapter in the making of The Trining, Jay. This is very well done, like all the others.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Everyone On the Same Page. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Is the Alliance With Chiel Wise?' I'm cuffed to be reading another excellent chapter in the making of The Trining, Jay. This is very well done, like all the others.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thanks, Chas. Glad to see you're reading this and getting some enjoyment out of it.
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You are most welcome, Jay. Its easy to read, easy to enjoy and easy to feast on. Take care, my friend.