THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Pressure on a Bruise"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
37 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
Really good work, Jay! I think this is probably the cleanest piece I've seen from you. I am following your series well and have begun to see the bigger picture. I didn't find any errors.
All the best,
Russell
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Really good work, Jay! I think this is probably the cleanest piece I've seen from you. I am following your series well and have begun to see the bigger picture. I didn't find any errors.
All the best,
Russell
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Quite a compliment, Russell. Thank you for your kindness. I'm happy the bigger picture is starting to materialize.
Comment from krprice
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Excellent chapter. I wonder what Doctrex has up his sleeve for his 'brother'. Sounds nasty and well deserved.
Karlene
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Excellent chapter. I wonder what Doctrex has up his sleeve for his 'brother'. Sounds nasty and well deserved.
Karlene
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Haha ... Back to the "thats" You need to show me some of them. Honestly I don't post until I go over each that. Some can be removed and the sentence is still understandable, but not as smoothly written. I've actually had reviewers tell me that it looks like there should be a "that" in a particular sentence.
I do appreciate your pointing them out, but please try to specify which one.
Meanwhile, thanks for enjoying the chapter as a whole.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay
= Interesting hook--I'm hooked. (*>*)
= I believe you are slowly leading up to a whiz-banger ending.
= Fun times ahead indeed!
= Great chapter.
*Cheers & Blessings...*
Keep Smilin'... Jackie (*>*) Jax
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Hi, Jay
= Interesting hook--I'm hooked. (*>*)
= I believe you are slowly leading up to a whiz-banger ending.
= Fun times ahead indeed!
= Great chapter.
*Cheers & Blessings...*
Keep Smilin'... Jackie (*>*) Jax
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Many thanks, Jax. There will be an ending you won't believe.
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Bring it on! (*<*)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. great writing as usual. I'm afraid some of your paragraphs are a bit long again, though.
Suggestions: "When Rhuether would sketch the image of my poring over the tomes of Mojo magic in the sacred libraries in order to understand Mojo's monumental role in the Variations to the Sacred Rites of Conjugality, she'd deal him back an oh-so-placid, even serious, expression. Perhaps rewrite to
Bravo! Bob
"When rhuether sketched the image of me poring over the tomes of Mojo magic in the libraries, in order to comprehend Mojo's monumeental role with the Sacred Rites of Conjugality, she'd deal etc...."
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Hi, Jay. great writing as usual. I'm afraid some of your paragraphs are a bit long again, though.
Suggestions: "When Rhuether would sketch the image of my poring over the tomes of Mojo magic in the sacred libraries in order to understand Mojo's monumental role in the Variations to the Sacred Rites of Conjugality, she'd deal him back an oh-so-placid, even serious, expression. Perhaps rewrite to
Bravo! Bob
"When rhuether sketched the image of me poring over the tomes of Mojo magic in the libraries, in order to comprehend Mojo's monumeental role with the Sacred Rites of Conjugality, she'd deal etc...."
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Perhaps rewrite to Bravo Bob? I don't know. That just doesn't have the same ring to it. Now the part below that might work. I'll give that some thought. Thanks, my friend. You are what I need here at FS.
Comment from chasennov
Waiting for Rhuether. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Pressure on a Bruise.' An excellent start to the new year, Jay, although I'm still on holiday in Sydney, and have not been active on FS. Very well done. I'll try to catch up to your postings.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Waiting for Rhuether. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Pressure on a Bruise.' An excellent start to the new year, Jay, although I'm still on holiday in Sydney, and have not been active on FS. Very well done. I'll try to catch up to your postings.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Chas. Don't worry about catching up unless you need to for your sake. I appreciate your reading this, though.
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You are most welcome, Jay.
Comment from boxergirl
Slowly you are weaving your tale but with vivid inagery that keeps me hanging on every sentence. I am always fearful when the protagonist gets a little too relaxed and confident. You have me nervous now with Glnot's boisterous laughing at the end. 8-)
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Slowly you are weaving your tale but with vivid inagery that keeps me hanging on every sentence. I am always fearful when the protagonist gets a little too relaxed and confident. You have me nervous now with Glnot's boisterous laughing at the end. 8-)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Karen. I like to keep the reader a little off balance with Rhuether and Doctrex/Pondria. Makes for good tension.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
You are still squeezing a maximum of restrained expectation out of your readers, Jay. We have learned not to expect action too quickly, but to enjoy the exhibition of thrust and parry between the main characters, and enjoyable it is, a reward for those with staying power! LOL Giddy
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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You are still squeezing a maximum of restrained expectation out of your readers, Jay. We have learned not to expect action too quickly, but to enjoy the exhibition of thrust and parry between the main characters, and enjoyable it is, a reward for those with staying power! LOL Giddy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Now if I can just keep the climax from fizzling out, we'll be okay. Thanks, Giddy. I always enjoy entertaining you.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hmmm, now what could Rhuether have up his sleeves? Surely he isn't going to throw a wrench into Pondria's well laid plan? And why didn't Axtilla play along and act shocked? Hopefully that doesn't cause alarm.
I like the way you mix dialogue with non dialogue to move the story and explain mood and setting. You don't have too much of either. I also notice you used the # to perform a passage of time, not feeling the need to use words like, "and so he fell asleep, and time passed," or "much later in the day," and so on. That's one of the problems I have in always wanting to account for all the time. Note to self: not necessary!
Great story, and, as always, flawless!
Rhonda
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Hmmm, now what could Rhuether have up his sleeves? Surely he isn't going to throw a wrench into Pondria's well laid plan? And why didn't Axtilla play along and act shocked? Hopefully that doesn't cause alarm.
I like the way you mix dialogue with non dialogue to move the story and explain mood and setting. You don't have too much of either. I also notice you used the # to perform a passage of time, not feeling the need to use words like, "and so he fell asleep, and time passed," or "much later in the day," and so on. That's one of the problems I have in always wanting to account for all the time. Note to self: not necessary!
Great story, and, as always, flawless!
Rhonda
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Well, when he's there by himself and goes to sleep, short of creating a dreamscape, it seems easier to use the #. I'm tickled you enjoyed this to the extent of giving it a six, Rhonda. I love having you aboard.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
Well done! It certainly held my attention and progressed in a logically fluid manner. I am curious now about the "frog" as I really do not think you would devoted a highlight to it unless it has some deeper meaning down the road. Your use of description is clever as you never provide more than is necessary to enhance the story and heighten the scene being played out. I love the way you ended this as it seems quite apparent the two are reading different outcomes to the same scenario. Thank you very much for sharing this.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Well done! It certainly held my attention and progressed in a logically fluid manner. I am curious now about the "frog" as I really do not think you would devoted a highlight to it unless it has some deeper meaning down the road. Your use of description is clever as you never provide more than is necessary to enhance the story and heighten the scene being played out. I love the way you ended this as it seems quite apparent the two are reading different outcomes to the same scenario. Thank you very much for sharing this.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Keep the frog in the back of your mind. Of course, if I don't use it you'll have to find some way of getting it out. Sorry, I'm a tad giddy tonight. Thanks so much for reading, and evidencing a deeper read than most.
Comment from foxangie123
Caught yea. This us exactly where you have been so no need to ask where...Listen, you'll always rock the house. People naturally don't get worse unless they were born on the 90's. Great Man... Love it. X
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Caught yea. This us exactly where you have been so no need to ask where...Listen, you'll always rock the house. People naturally don't get worse unless they were born on the 90's. Great Man... Love it. X
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Angie. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. Hey, my grands were born in the 90's. I sure hope they don't get worse. LOL, Rock on!