THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "You Will Dine With Us Tonight"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. I understand about the character list. I put mine at the top for my scripts. Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
  |
This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. I understand about the character list. I put mine at the top for my scripts. Well done.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, Tomes, for reading. Glad you enjoyed this.
-
I did indeed
Comment from Eigle Rull
This is an intense conversation. The dialog is very good and does not become boring. It casts a fear that the brothers might kill one another yet. I hope not. Best wishes, my friend.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
This is an intense conversation. The dialog is very good and does not become boring. It casts a fear that the brothers might kill one another yet. I hope not. Best wishes, my friend.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 09-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Thanks, Elgie. Happy you enjoyed it.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
You nicely set up the motivation and the goal--in this case early. Which feels good to me and helps me get right back into your story after reading so much other stuff.
You don't waste any time getting to the conflict either. I like the pacing.
Then WHAM--disaster--Rhuether's hesitation.
Nice transition into relevant (and interesting) backstory.
I like how the give and take of backstory between the characters builds tension and leads to dilemma.
And nice touch having Rhuether finally finish his thought right at the cliffhanger.
There's a big typo in the 3rd from the last paragraph, but never mind that. You've got a good show going here. Excellent writing.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
 |
You nicely set up the motivation and the goal--in this case early. Which feels good to me and helps me get right back into your story after reading so much other stuff.
You don't waste any time getting to the conflict either. I like the pacing.
Then WHAM--disaster--Rhuether's hesitation.
Nice transition into relevant (and interesting) backstory.
I like how the give and take of backstory between the characters builds tension and leads to dilemma.
And nice touch having Rhuether finally finish his thought right at the cliffhanger.
There's a big typo in the 3rd from the last paragraph, but never mind that. You've got a good show going here. Excellent writing.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Such generous praise, Robert. Thank you for making me blush. I took care of the typo. I must scour my chapters four or five times before I post--and still these slip through. I'm so pleased you're following this because of the care you take in reading. The six was a bonus! Thank you so very much!
-
Know what you mean about finding typos. I see what I want to say. Being your own editor is like being your own lawyer. Not advised. Good job! Keep writing.
Comment from boxergirl
Good job, Jay, with the continuation of your story line. I am not sure Doctrex should trust Ginot. He is good at miscontruing facts. Hopefully Axtilla still cares for him.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
Good job, Jay, with the continuation of your story line. I am not sure Doctrex should trust Ginot. He is good at miscontruing facts. Hopefully Axtilla still cares for him.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
If I do it right you'll never know. Thanks, Karen. I'm honored to have had you along for so long.
Comment from Teri7
I hoped didn't betray my fear
looks like you need {it} after betray
That was the only thing I saw that you might want to correct. This was a very interesting chapter. You had great dialog and very good imagery through your wording. Great job. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
I hoped didn't betray my fear
looks like you need {it} after betray
That was the only thing I saw that you might want to correct. This was a very interesting chapter. You had great dialog and very good imagery through your wording. Great job. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Thank you Teri for your keen eye. I had removed a key word, "that", which I thought I could do without. This is how it reads with it: "I shook my head with a half-smile on my face that I hoped didn?t betray my fear". "That" is one of those words (that) we put in without thinking. And it's not always needed. As your comment points out, it's sometimes needed. I appreciate your being here, Teri.
Comment from June Estep Fiorelli
Hi, Been busy. Need to be quick on this tonight. Sorry.
Another good chapter.
When Ginot says he must explain his change of feelings for Axtilla, Pondria responds, "Why?" This seems inconsistent with what follows when Pondria says, "You need to tell me." and even goes on to beg. Maybe give it a look.
The use of "Okay" seemed inappropriate for this story. Their language is usually so formal, and it's an imaginary place. It struck me right in the face.
In the part near the end where they speak of chopping off Ziltinaur's knees. Has this been covered in the chapters I missed? If so, I would shorten the reference to it, because it impedes the flow of their dialogue, in my opinion.
Otherwise, all is going well. Good job. June
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
Hi, Been busy. Need to be quick on this tonight. Sorry.
Another good chapter.
When Ginot says he must explain his change of feelings for Axtilla, Pondria responds, "Why?" This seems inconsistent with what follows when Pondria says, "You need to tell me." and even goes on to beg. Maybe give it a look.
The use of "Okay" seemed inappropriate for this story. Their language is usually so formal, and it's an imaginary place. It struck me right in the face.
In the part near the end where they speak of chopping off Ziltinaur's knees. Has this been covered in the chapters I missed? If so, I would shorten the reference to it, because it impedes the flow of their dialogue, in my opinion.
Otherwise, all is going well. Good job. June
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, June for your always pertinent comments. I'm sorry, but you may find several of these backstory parts that are vital to the understanding of present or future events. This is a problem inherent in FanStory chapter postings.
On "Okay". You are probably right. I'll check that out.
Comment from Writingfundimension
'Regardless of how she feels about you now, Axtilla confessed she once did have feelings for you. During the Kojutake, when you danced like a clown around the fire to rile the Pomnot--do you remember that, Pondria?"
I'm not sure I believe any of what Rheuther is saying. Of course, Pondria/Doctrex has to act cool. But I smell a rat!
Very well written, as always, Jay.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
'Regardless of how she feels about you now, Axtilla confessed she once did have feelings for you. During the Kojutake, when you danced like a clown around the fire to rile the Pomnot--do you remember that, Pondria?"
I'm not sure I believe any of what Rheuther is saying. Of course, Pondria/Doctrex has to act cool. But I smell a rat!
Very well written, as always, Jay.
:) Bev
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, Bev. You have a good sense of smell, Bev. I'm happy you enjoyed this.
-
Haha. You're very welcome, Jay. :) Bev
Comment from Sis Cat
This is amazing. I read your Character List first. I was impressed by your creativity and craft to construct such a compelling story. This took a lot of planning.
As for this chapter itself, I read it out loud to avoid skimming words and to grasp your entire story. The Character List helped. I am impressed by the intricacy of your storyline and prose. The dialogue is animated, the stakes are high, and the fantasy world is believable. Will or will not the prophesies be fulfilled? I read on to find out.
I found no spags that I am aware of this time.
Thank you for sharing your exceptional craft.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
This is amazing. I read your Character List first. I was impressed by your creativity and craft to construct such a compelling story. This took a lot of planning.
As for this chapter itself, I read it out loud to avoid skimming words and to grasp your entire story. The Character List helped. I am impressed by the intricacy of your storyline and prose. The dialogue is animated, the stakes are high, and the fantasy world is believable. Will or will not the prophesies be fulfilled? I read on to find out.
I found no spags that I am aware of this time.
Thank you for sharing your exceptional craft.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, Andre. I feel so blessed to have you take each chapter under your arm, as it were, and give it a close, sensitive rendering.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay,
now is Glnot
talking to PONDRIA or am I getting confused thinking it's
DOCTREX telling the truth or not the truth about Axtilla
confessed she once did have feelings for you (Pondria)
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
Hello Jay,
now is Glnot
talking to PONDRIA or am I getting confused thinking it's
DOCTREX telling the truth or not the truth about Axtilla
confessed she once did have feelings for you (Pondria)
Gert
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
Sometimes it's not easy to see who's who. It was written to be that way. Before long there will be a commitment to character.
-
Hi Jay
so that is why I was confused-
It was written to be that way. Before long there will be a commitment to character.
Gert
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Well written as always. Is Evil Eddie getting more evil? I thought it was just me. He makes posting quite a challenge at times doesn't he? Good addition to your book. I do always appreciate the list of characters due to my propensity to forget things. Have a great Sunday, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
|
Well written as always. Is Evil Eddie getting more evil? I thought it was just me. He makes posting quite a challenge at times doesn't he? Good addition to your book. I do always appreciate the list of characters due to my propensity to forget things. Have a great Sunday, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
-
I'm glad you enjoyed this, Debbie. Sorry I was so late in answering. I've been swamped.