THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "All Spruced Up For an Execution?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
30 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay, read through this chapter. I think it's a fine reflection chapter, with a balance of interaction added with the tailor to keep from going too long into reflection. The interaction/ scene is secure and thought flows in a believable way.
Now I'm going to babble my nitpicks and rambling thoughts for your consideration to use as you like.... though these are mostly just my thoughts as they happened.
Leaning against it, my legs crossed at the ankles, I stared past the table at the four sconces in the shadows, tipping their unlit torches toward the center of the room. (modifier confusion? were the sconces tipping their light toward the center of the room... or was his staring causing the tipping. I paused to try and understand what is meant by the modifying 'tipping their unlit torches' maybe no comma... or maybe your mean the four sconces in the shadows that had their unlit torches tipped ... )
If I were going to survive as Rhuether's prisoner until I [eventually]? joined with Axtilla to defeat him, I needed to stay one step ahead of him [now]?.
(My thought for your consideration only... killing some adverbs here for a tighter sentence here, maybe?)
That meant not being reckless. How important [was it] (had it been?) to ask him
(not sure about this, before the question... was it. but now it is after the question has been asked, so I wondered if it should be had it been, because it's after the question has been asked. Not sure though.)
My thoughts went to Zurn[,] and brought a smile to my face.
(suggesting no comma, the thoughts did two things... turned to Zurn and brought a smile My thoughts did A and B. No comma.)
escape. Then, while his men [were cleaning](cleaned?) up the carnage, they saw a
I pushed off the bed board[,] and went around to the side of the bed, hoisting
(suggesting remove comma)
side of the mattress. "Yes."
(This Yes made me think of Picard's... .... Enter, I think he used to say. Dotrex is showing his mindset as a officer, or maybe just ... Answering the question of a knocked door, yes you can come in... instead of asking "Yes, are you looking for me?" No point to me pausing here... other than these thoughts started happening, as I considered Doctrex's behaviors as part of his personality.)
He seemed uncomfortable standing there holding something wrapped, hanging over his extended forearm while I observed his shoes.
(I paused on this sentence ... holding something wrapped and hanging? I was very tempted to just delete mentioning I paused here, but I paused both times I hit the sentence, so I'll just let you know I paused)
at their lightness and [that there were no](lack of?) wrinkles.
my Kabeezan uniform, [I realized](is the I realized needed?) there was no zipper, a
(Once?) Finished, I looked down at my boots,
"I'm almost finished with the jacket and will bring it by. And now ... if you don't mind ...['](") He was
(Still got that wrong quote mark here last I checked...)
"I'm just curious, Corl; as busy as you must be
(I paused to stare at the semicolon here. Pondering for a minute. Then laughed at myself and moved on... )
One last smile, and he turned and made his way briskly to the door.
(The interaction between Corl and Doctrex is consistently endearing and awkward in a pleasing way. I assume a total man-crush but even if not, there is some regard and touching feelings/ kindness and gratitude about it that comes through. It makes me like Doctrex more.)
My thoughts went to Zurn[,] and brought a smile to my face.(Thoughts of Zurn brought a smile to my face?) He had the mind of a child and the heart and
massacred; an assumption--but (one?) without proof. And Eele was my friend.
I pulled my feet onto the bed, rolled to my side, brought my knees up(I was trying to ignore it,... but there are a lot of 'up' s in this chapter ... 7? I noticed. maybe a stronger verb for one or two?) toward my chest[,] and stared at the
(A refection chapter, this. I recognize these types of chapters as so needed. Where normally, as the lazy reader I usually am, this is where the hero's thinking feeds and reminds me important questions and give opportunity to make connections to clues that have been spread out over his journey... remind him of his others and his goings ons in his thoughts, it helps the reader make those connections and review plot points long ago done, as well as adding in a few points of self-awareness of his own flaws and preparations on what will happen next.)
The door opened(,) and the voice I recognized as the tailor's asked if he could come in. (suggest comma)
Removing the wrapper[,] and riffling through the garments, I was amazed at how many were packed into it. ((As I removed the wrapper and riffled through the garments, the amount of clothes packed inside amazed me. ?)
"Good point. There isn't much use." (laughed at this... ties, what a weird male decoration that is. A strange shackle of the workforce.
He didn't answer, but occupied himself (with?) removing the shoes from their wrapper, which he folded and creased, and then placed the shoes side-by side on
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2015
  |
Hi Jay, read through this chapter. I think it's a fine reflection chapter, with a balance of interaction added with the tailor to keep from going too long into reflection. The interaction/ scene is secure and thought flows in a believable way.
Now I'm going to babble my nitpicks and rambling thoughts for your consideration to use as you like.... though these are mostly just my thoughts as they happened.
Leaning against it, my legs crossed at the ankles, I stared past the table at the four sconces in the shadows, tipping their unlit torches toward the center of the room. (modifier confusion? were the sconces tipping their light toward the center of the room... or was his staring causing the tipping. I paused to try and understand what is meant by the modifying 'tipping their unlit torches' maybe no comma... or maybe your mean the four sconces in the shadows that had their unlit torches tipped ... )
If I were going to survive as Rhuether's prisoner until I [eventually]? joined with Axtilla to defeat him, I needed to stay one step ahead of him [now]?.
(My thought for your consideration only... killing some adverbs here for a tighter sentence here, maybe?)
That meant not being reckless. How important [was it] (had it been?) to ask him
(not sure about this, before the question... was it. but now it is after the question has been asked, so I wondered if it should be had it been, because it's after the question has been asked. Not sure though.)
My thoughts went to Zurn[,] and brought a smile to my face.
(suggesting no comma, the thoughts did two things... turned to Zurn and brought a smile My thoughts did A and B. No comma.)
escape. Then, while his men [were cleaning](cleaned?) up the carnage, they saw a
I pushed off the bed board[,] and went around to the side of the bed, hoisting
(suggesting remove comma)
side of the mattress. "Yes."
(This Yes made me think of Picard's... .... Enter, I think he used to say. Dotrex is showing his mindset as a officer, or maybe just ... Answering the question of a knocked door, yes you can come in... instead of asking "Yes, are you looking for me?" No point to me pausing here... other than these thoughts started happening, as I considered Doctrex's behaviors as part of his personality.)
He seemed uncomfortable standing there holding something wrapped, hanging over his extended forearm while I observed his shoes.
(I paused on this sentence ... holding something wrapped and hanging? I was very tempted to just delete mentioning I paused here, but I paused both times I hit the sentence, so I'll just let you know I paused)
at their lightness and [that there were no](lack of?) wrinkles.
my Kabeezan uniform, [I realized](is the I realized needed?) there was no zipper, a
(Once?) Finished, I looked down at my boots,
"I'm almost finished with the jacket and will bring it by. And now ... if you don't mind ...['](") He was
(Still got that wrong quote mark here last I checked...)
"I'm just curious, Corl; as busy as you must be
(I paused to stare at the semicolon here. Pondering for a minute. Then laughed at myself and moved on... )
One last smile, and he turned and made his way briskly to the door.
(The interaction between Corl and Doctrex is consistently endearing and awkward in a pleasing way. I assume a total man-crush but even if not, there is some regard and touching feelings/ kindness and gratitude about it that comes through. It makes me like Doctrex more.)
My thoughts went to Zurn[,] and brought a smile to my face.(Thoughts of Zurn brought a smile to my face?) He had the mind of a child and the heart and
massacred; an assumption--but (one?) without proof. And Eele was my friend.
I pulled my feet onto the bed, rolled to my side, brought my knees up(I was trying to ignore it,... but there are a lot of 'up' s in this chapter ... 7? I noticed. maybe a stronger verb for one or two?) toward my chest[,] and stared at the
(A refection chapter, this. I recognize these types of chapters as so needed. Where normally, as the lazy reader I usually am, this is where the hero's thinking feeds and reminds me important questions and give opportunity to make connections to clues that have been spread out over his journey... remind him of his others and his goings ons in his thoughts, it helps the reader make those connections and review plot points long ago done, as well as adding in a few points of self-awareness of his own flaws and preparations on what will happen next.)
The door opened(,) and the voice I recognized as the tailor's asked if he could come in. (suggest comma)
Removing the wrapper[,] and riffling through the garments, I was amazed at how many were packed into it. ((As I removed the wrapper and riffled through the garments, the amount of clothes packed inside amazed me. ?)
"Good point. There isn't much use." (laughed at this... ties, what a weird male decoration that is. A strange shackle of the workforce.
He didn't answer, but occupied himself (with?) removing the shoes from their wrapper, which he folded and creased, and then placed the shoes side-by side on
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2015
-
Again, Turtle, this is in such depth I needed to past it into a folder for when I have the time to examine it in a full edit. Otherwise I'm not doing justice to the time you put into this, and not getting the full benefit of your astuteness. I hope you understand.
Jay
Comment from justafan
Impressive chapter, Mr Squires.
This was a little more laid back... Not so much tension as the last.
Well done, Jay!
Thanks for sharing.
Always,
Missy
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
 |
Impressive chapter, Mr Squires.
This was a little more laid back... Not so much tension as the last.
Well done, Jay!
Thanks for sharing.
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
-
Thank you, Missy. There was a lot of necessary back story to this chapter. It turned some people off. I so appreciate your six stars, my dear. Love having you aboard.
Comment from Dashjianta
Good afternoon, Jay. Have you recovered from your week as chauffeur yet?
I enjoyed this chapter. Doctrex's reflection helped recap the situation, gave a natural way to remind the reader of Zurn and the army, plus showed Doctrex's self-recrimination and concern.
Good interaction between Doctrex and the tailor. Has me wondering what it is Rhuether wants Doctrex dressed for. With there being more than one outfit it suggests whatever it is might not be quick, but the tailor's looking ready to cry also implies it's going to be something bad. You show glimpses of the tailor's humour, too, though he appears fearful to let it show, and too scared/sensible to answer Doctrex's question at the end.
Suggestions:
I had to assume(,) when Rhuether left, he'd come back.
--(I think) Do you need to say 'when Rheuther left'? or would it work if you changed it to 'I had to assume Rheuther would come back (return?)'?
Zurn would even have seen through it.
--Consider changing to 'Even Zurn would...' for better flow.
My thoughts went to Zurn, and brought a smile to my face. He had the mind of a child...
--If you want to tighten this, you could shorten to something like. 'I smiled. Zurn had the mind of a child...' As the last line of the previous para is showing he's thinking of Zurn.
have been the first information Zarbs would have given him.
--Noticed you have a lot of 'have been/would have/had' phrases in this chapter--might be worth going through it and seeing if you can snip any of them out. eg. you could use 'gave' instead of 'would have given' here.
A thought agitated me.
--Can you show this in some way? A snort/head shake/chuckle--something like that?
"So I wasn't supposed to wear my boots."
--Should this be a question?
"Well, thank you(,) sir."
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2015
|
Good afternoon, Jay. Have you recovered from your week as chauffeur yet?
I enjoyed this chapter. Doctrex's reflection helped recap the situation, gave a natural way to remind the reader of Zurn and the army, plus showed Doctrex's self-recrimination and concern.
Good interaction between Doctrex and the tailor. Has me wondering what it is Rhuether wants Doctrex dressed for. With there being more than one outfit it suggests whatever it is might not be quick, but the tailor's looking ready to cry also implies it's going to be something bad. You show glimpses of the tailor's humour, too, though he appears fearful to let it show, and too scared/sensible to answer Doctrex's question at the end.
Suggestions:
I had to assume(,) when Rhuether left, he'd come back.
--(I think) Do you need to say 'when Rheuther left'? or would it work if you changed it to 'I had to assume Rheuther would come back (return?)'?
Zurn would even have seen through it.
--Consider changing to 'Even Zurn would...' for better flow.
My thoughts went to Zurn, and brought a smile to my face. He had the mind of a child...
--If you want to tighten this, you could shorten to something like. 'I smiled. Zurn had the mind of a child...' As the last line of the previous para is showing he's thinking of Zurn.
have been the first information Zarbs would have given him.
--Noticed you have a lot of 'have been/would have/had' phrases in this chapter--might be worth going through it and seeing if you can snip any of them out. eg. you could use 'gave' instead of 'would have given' here.
A thought agitated me.
--Can you show this in some way? A snort/head shake/chuckle--something like that?
"So I wasn't supposed to wear my boots."
--Should this be a question?
"Well, thank you(,) sir."
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2015
-
Sorry it's been so long since I got to this. Yours and Turtlestags are the longest crits I get. They are always so valuable, but time consuming, so I wanted to wait until I had time to do it justice. Today was that time. Almost every change I made. I take that back. Every change I made, and my writing is much the better for it.
Thanks you, Alex!
-
No worries. Have done the same thing myself in the past. Glad you found it helpful.
Comment from JTStone
Okay, I'm intrigued by the dialog and the need for the suit.
It got better with the thought process of Doctrex. Now I know how and why he was captured. I'm left to assume some sort of treachery was behind that. The idea behind the prophecy and the inevitable providence of Axtilla's inclusion in an upcoming chapter to forge that prophecy into reality is a forgone conclusion; but why the suit?
Excellent little piece of mystery to conceal your plot.
JT
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
|
Okay, I'm intrigued by the dialog and the need for the suit.
It got better with the thought process of Doctrex. Now I know how and why he was captured. I'm left to assume some sort of treachery was behind that. The idea behind the prophecy and the inevitable providence of Axtilla's inclusion in an upcoming chapter to forge that prophecy into reality is a forgone conclusion; but why the suit?
Excellent little piece of mystery to conceal your plot.
JT
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
-
Many thanks, JT. I'm glad you're enjoying this. Lots of people asking about the suit. The answer will reveal itself in one future chapter.
Comment from boxergirl
Doctrex spends time pondering his situation, trying to put all the pieces together. Good use of back story info as reminders.
Corl is turning into a favorite character. Sweet but mysterious a bit too. Hope you had a great time with your grands! 8-)
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
|
Doctrex spends time pondering his situation, trying to put all the pieces together. Good use of back story info as reminders.
Corl is turning into a favorite character. Sweet but mysterious a bit too. Hope you had a great time with your grands! 8-)
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015
-
THank you so much, Karen, for the sixes. Had a great time with the grands.
Comment from barkingdog
Doctrex keeps trying to get information out of Corl but the tailor only smiles as he adjusts Doctrex's new clothing or remains silent.
Worried about his troops and whether or not they have made new plans since his capture, he seems to have no plan of his own as to how to escape. He assumes he'll be alive for a while longer because, otherwise, why would he not have new clothes.
I got a bit lost in the first part, but the end was quite good. I guess I'm one for characters delivering the story.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
Doctrex keeps trying to get information out of Corl but the tailor only smiles as he adjusts Doctrex's new clothing or remains silent.
Worried about his troops and whether or not they have made new plans since his capture, he seems to have no plan of his own as to how to escape. He assumes he'll be alive for a while longer because, otherwise, why would he not have new clothes.
I got a bit lost in the first part, but the end was quite good. I guess I'm one for characters delivering the story.
:) ellen
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
I did have a lot of backstory. Another said he was confused. I believe it would be perfectly legit in a non serialized novel. This is one of the problems with the series. The trilogy is over 400,000 words. Naturally, the reader needs multiple flashbacks and backstory to remind him of important things. For example, Doctrex is exactly where he wants to be. He and Axtilla (betrothed to Rhuether) must destroy Rhuether to satisfy the prophesy and prevent the Trining.
Thank you so much, Ellen. I always appreciate your comments.
-
Doctrex is exactly where he wants to be. He and Axtilla (betrothed to Rhuether) must destroy Rhuether to satisfy the prophesy and prevent the Trining. (This sentence brings me up to date. It's direct and to the point.)
Simple is better. Attention spans are fleeting.
-
Haha, try this 76 year-old attention sp, sp, what were we talking about?
-
Hell if I know. We're we talking?
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Why all the sprucing up? What has Glnot got planned? - surely not for an execution?
Most enjoyable read, Jay. You set the scene so well.
All All Spruced up - one too many "All" here???
backed into a canyon [in] by the enemy during a blizzard. - lose redundant "in"
before I tackled that task(.) - period
Well worth a six
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
Why all the sprucing up? What has Glnot got planned? - surely not for an execution?
Most enjoyable read, Jay. You set the scene so well.
All All Spruced up - one too many "All" here???
backed into a canyon [in] by the enemy during a blizzard. - lose redundant "in"
before I tackled that task(.) - period
Well worth a six
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
All three changes made. Thanks, Margaret. How in the world to these things happen. If you only knew how closely I edit! Bless you and thanks for the sixer.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Jay
goo part where Doctrex is trying to make sense out of what Rhuether's concern why he is so cavalier about Doctrex's army?
The one thing that makes me worry is when Cori brought in the tailored clothes etc. to Doctrex ---
Instead of answering, Cori looked about to cry.
Gert
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
Hi Jay
goo part where Doctrex is trying to make sense out of what Rhuether's concern why he is so cavalier about Doctrex's army?
The one thing that makes me worry is when Cori brought in the tailored clothes etc. to Doctrex ---
Instead of answering, Cori looked about to cry.
Gert
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
Thanks so much for the six stars and the lovely crit. Bless you.
-
My usual smile to you Jay
Gert
Comment from Mai Mai
This is an interesting piece. It held my attention and is well written and easy to read. Good job and good luck.
Mai Mai
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
This is an interesting piece. It held my attention and is well written and easy to read. Good job and good luck.
Mai Mai
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
Many thanks, Mai mai.
Comment from robyn corum
1.) Wasn't having me measured for clothing the first thing (he'd) arranged when
2.) how far afield the movement of my thoughts' had taken me,
--> I'm pretty sure there's no possessive on the thoughts
3.) and backed into a canyon in by the enemy during a blizzard.
--> delete 'in' after canyon?
This was an interesting chapter, Jay. But I'm not sure how much it added to your plot line...?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
 |
1.) Wasn't having me measured for clothing the first thing (he'd) arranged when
2.) how far afield the movement of my thoughts' had taken me,
--> I'm pretty sure there's no possessive on the thoughts
3.) and backed into a canyon in by the enemy during a blizzard.
--> delete 'in' after canyon?
This was an interesting chapter, Jay. But I'm not sure how much it added to your plot line...?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
Thanks for your astute catches, Robyn. Changes made. This was the time, if this was read as a novel, and not serialized as it is here, when the backstory was essential to remind the readers who had already read the 400,000 plus words of the trilogy, what was at stake. Unfortunately, it doesn't slot well into the serialized format we have here. Several others were confused, and if pressed would have said, as you, that the plot wasn't moved forward by its inclusion. As far as the "tailor scene" part of it, I felt that was needed to reflect the fear Rhuether's subjects felt in the face of his power. I hope that clarifies my intent.