THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Mystery Visitor & the Timid Tailor"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
The attentive tailor was scared to death to even hear Ginoth Ruether's name and with respect only called him Almighty Master.
I loved the dialogue depicting the tailor as he interacted with Doctrex.
Excellent character descriptions. You don't need the blue fonts in your chapter. They kind of made me feel that I should immediately look at the character list. It's enough that it's there. A reader can refer to it when needed..
Suggestions:
- Suddenly(,) he bent from the waist so far(delete a space) the tape
- [he said] his voice quavery.(His voice quavered.)
- measurements(,) so I can make you other clothing to wear."
-cleared on the bed.(Skip a line.)
He set the package down, but his expression indicated something troubled him. "You see ... I need to take your measurements, sir."
Then he(suddenly) laughed[, suddenly,] in an odd, chittering sort of way. "It will take only a few moments. I'm told I make quite handsome clothing."
- I took them [from his arm](we know where they are)
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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The attentive tailor was scared to death to even hear Ginoth Ruether's name and with respect only called him Almighty Master.
I loved the dialogue depicting the tailor as he interacted with Doctrex.
Excellent character descriptions. You don't need the blue fonts in your chapter. They kind of made me feel that I should immediately look at the character list. It's enough that it's there. A reader can refer to it when needed..
Suggestions:
- Suddenly(,) he bent from the waist so far(delete a space) the tape
- [he said] his voice quavery.(His voice quavered.)
- measurements(,) so I can make you other clothing to wear."
-cleared on the bed.(Skip a line.)
He set the package down, but his expression indicated something troubled him. "You see ... I need to take your measurements, sir."
Then he(suddenly) laughed[, suddenly,] in an odd, chittering sort of way. "It will take only a few moments. I'm told I make quite handsome clothing."
- I took them [from his arm](we know where they are)
Comment Written 07-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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You are so helpful, Ellen. Thank you for your catches. I corrected most of them. On the different placement of the "suddenly", I wanted it nearer to "odd, chittering".
I agree with you on the blue font for the characters, especially since I moved the character list down to the Author Notes after all and you can't use a different font there. So next chapter I shall not include them.
Thanks again for your help.
Comment from boxergirl
I like the exchange between Doctrex and the young tailor boy. You paint vivid imagery of the most minute details with your descriptions. I could sense his nervousness and his shyness. 8-)
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I like the exchange between Doctrex and the young tailor boy. You paint vivid imagery of the most minute details with your descriptions. I could sense his nervousness and his shyness. 8-)
Comment Written 07-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Oh, Karen, you are so kind. I'm not getting the response from this chapter I'd like, so a six is such an encouragement.
Comment from --Turtle.
Read through this chapter... a transitional shift of pace, but not dull, a lot of the information, I know my mind would deem as not for retaining... but in a, this is where the room is described, this is where the scene is happening, and in the processing of that information, it would become paraphrased and placed on a mental shelf, but the effect is that the pace slows in an appropriate way. It's an important thing... like speed bumps of information. I tend to worry that I don't put enough of this type of information in my writing, and in forgetting to do so, the pace lacks that subtle slowdown for which to get immersed, even though I might not think I'm retaining information. To clarify. That's a compliment to the pace slow down and a recognizing that I'm the kind of girl who doesn't always pay attention to the rooms I walk into. If any of that makes sense.
The cumulative effects of the last five days[,] had taken their toll on my
(no comma, verb and subject separation)
physical after-effects(aftereffects) of the narcotic. Time would take care of that.
(aftereffects is a real one word)
I needed to be in top form for my encounter with Glnot Rhuether, not [be]? in a
(suggesting only, when I read it out loud, flowed better without 'be')
thirds the distance between my bed and the back wall(,) a small, plain-looking
(suggesting introductory element comma)
round table sat, with three chairs[,]? pushed in. That was the only furniture.
(Not sure, but my gut said: Look at the table with those three chairs pushed in.
So all those commas in that sentence made me pause. but the one between three chairs and pushed in especially.)
Angled out about thirty degrees from the wall, the six of them about three feet apart, threw off a lot of light. (paused on this sentence, read it several times. It feels out of order in some way) Read it out loud. Maybe: The six of them were angled about thirty degrees from the wall and spaced three feet apart, and they threw off a lot of light. Or something else... but as is, I think it could be clearer.
opened. I directed my attention to that, but felt no urgency to open my eyes [yet]?.
(wondered if yet was needed, but this is just a idle wondering)
After a full half-minute of silence, curiosity bested my prudence. "For what reason?"(extra paragraph spacing return needed here?)
The voice came now from the door. "I need no reason."
"General Doctrex? May I come in(,) sir?"
(what happened... typo)
He wore his insignia of rank, a yellow cloth measuring tape, hanging around his neck, equidistant on either side to mid shin. (paused on this sentence; it is rough to follow.) Are you saying his rank was the hanging yellow measuring tape? if so... no comma: He wore his insignia of rank--a(the) yellow cloth measuring tape[,] hanging around his neck--equidistant on either side to mid shin. The interrupt is more interupty than normal, hence why I was suggesting the emdashes,... but the comma between tape and hanging might be wrong. (restrictive?)
Suddenly he bent from the waist so far (that) the tape ends fell to two piles on the floor(.) (actually need that deleted that... and I am betting there was once a that there, because there was an extra space... like that 'that' got vacuumed away, once upon a time, when 'that' was a sin.)
He straightened, adjusting the bundle, and then[,] brushed back the errant
(suggesting no comma... strongly suggest deleting it because the 'and' isn't even connecting two independent sentences)
"General Doctrex, sir," he said, his voice quavery(quavering). "If you will(,) sir, I
(typos?)
glance around as (if)? for a place to set it. "If you have no objection, sir, once you
(suggesting)
I recognized panic[,] that was very near tears. "The Almighty--Master, himself," he
(delete comma)
I let him know I'd finished. (I will admit here, I am following his dressing, but this would be the part I would skim past and not hold details of. I gather the man Doctrx first encountered was the master, as he laid about in bed not looking at stuff. Then the tailor came and he got dressed. If someone said, Hey, what you reading...? I would sum up for them... Doctrex is in GLONT's domain, and he got dressed. The tailor is anxious and seems a nice enough fella.)
fit of coughing. I reached around his shoulder and patted his back. (A am not sure I get it... are they musing curiosity about lengths? I read this twice and I wanted to be in on the joke, but I wasn't sure I was catching on.)
"I shouldn't have, though ..." (Is this all because he pointed out a difference in arm length. Or did I miss something subtle)
I liked the exchange with the tailor, I like the pace change... I thought this chapter had a good flavor, some intrigue with Doctrex's predicament of where he's at. A few typos to fix, some comma complaining from me, and one or two sentences I paused on and pulled forward.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
|
Read through this chapter... a transitional shift of pace, but not dull, a lot of the information, I know my mind would deem as not for retaining... but in a, this is where the room is described, this is where the scene is happening, and in the processing of that information, it would become paraphrased and placed on a mental shelf, but the effect is that the pace slows in an appropriate way. It's an important thing... like speed bumps of information. I tend to worry that I don't put enough of this type of information in my writing, and in forgetting to do so, the pace lacks that subtle slowdown for which to get immersed, even though I might not think I'm retaining information. To clarify. That's a compliment to the pace slow down and a recognizing that I'm the kind of girl who doesn't always pay attention to the rooms I walk into. If any of that makes sense.
The cumulative effects of the last five days[,] had taken their toll on my
(no comma, verb and subject separation)
physical after-effects(aftereffects) of the narcotic. Time would take care of that.
(aftereffects is a real one word)
I needed to be in top form for my encounter with Glnot Rhuether, not [be]? in a
(suggesting only, when I read it out loud, flowed better without 'be')
thirds the distance between my bed and the back wall(,) a small, plain-looking
(suggesting introductory element comma)
round table sat, with three chairs[,]? pushed in. That was the only furniture.
(Not sure, but my gut said: Look at the table with those three chairs pushed in.
So all those commas in that sentence made me pause. but the one between three chairs and pushed in especially.)
Angled out about thirty degrees from the wall, the six of them about three feet apart, threw off a lot of light. (paused on this sentence, read it several times. It feels out of order in some way) Read it out loud. Maybe: The six of them were angled about thirty degrees from the wall and spaced three feet apart, and they threw off a lot of light. Or something else... but as is, I think it could be clearer.
opened. I directed my attention to that, but felt no urgency to open my eyes [yet]?.
(wondered if yet was needed, but this is just a idle wondering)
After a full half-minute of silence, curiosity bested my prudence. "For what reason?"(extra paragraph spacing return needed here?)
The voice came now from the door. "I need no reason."
"General Doctrex? May I come in(,) sir?"
(what happened... typo)
He wore his insignia of rank, a yellow cloth measuring tape, hanging around his neck, equidistant on either side to mid shin. (paused on this sentence; it is rough to follow.) Are you saying his rank was the hanging yellow measuring tape? if so... no comma: He wore his insignia of rank--a(the) yellow cloth measuring tape[,] hanging around his neck--equidistant on either side to mid shin. The interrupt is more interupty than normal, hence why I was suggesting the emdashes,... but the comma between tape and hanging might be wrong. (restrictive?)
Suddenly he bent from the waist so far (that) the tape ends fell to two piles on the floor(.) (actually need that deleted that... and I am betting there was once a that there, because there was an extra space... like that 'that' got vacuumed away, once upon a time, when 'that' was a sin.)
He straightened, adjusting the bundle, and then[,] brushed back the errant
(suggesting no comma... strongly suggest deleting it because the 'and' isn't even connecting two independent sentences)
"General Doctrex, sir," he said, his voice quavery(quavering). "If you will(,) sir, I
(typos?)
glance around as (if)? for a place to set it. "If you have no objection, sir, once you
(suggesting)
I recognized panic[,] that was very near tears. "The Almighty--Master, himself," he
(delete comma)
I let him know I'd finished. (I will admit here, I am following his dressing, but this would be the part I would skim past and not hold details of. I gather the man Doctrx first encountered was the master, as he laid about in bed not looking at stuff. Then the tailor came and he got dressed. If someone said, Hey, what you reading...? I would sum up for them... Doctrex is in GLONT's domain, and he got dressed. The tailor is anxious and seems a nice enough fella.)
fit of coughing. I reached around his shoulder and patted his back. (A am not sure I get it... are they musing curiosity about lengths? I read this twice and I wanted to be in on the joke, but I wasn't sure I was catching on.)
"I shouldn't have, though ..." (Is this all because he pointed out a difference in arm length. Or did I miss something subtle)
I liked the exchange with the tailor, I like the pace change... I thought this chapter had a good flavor, some intrigue with Doctrex's predicament of where he's at. A few typos to fix, some comma complaining from me, and one or two sentences I paused on and pulled forward.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I'm afraid in the US after effects is two words. Are you from the UK, Australia or Canada?
Angled out about thirty degrees from the wall, the six of them about three feet apart, threw off a lot of light. (paused on this sentence, read it several times. It feels out of order in some way) Read it out loud. Maybe: The six of them were angled about thirty degrees from the wall and spaced three feet apart, and they threw off a lot of light. Or something else... but as is, I think it could be clearer. [This is something I'll check out later.]
After a full half-minute of silence, curiosity bested my prudence. "For what reason?"(extra paragraph spacing return needed here?)
The voice came now from the door. "I need no reason." [Super! Good catch!]
Also the insignia of rank thing. I used the em dash you suggested.
I saved your suggestions in my edit folder and will check out the rest of them later. I didn't want to wait any longer to get this sent out.
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Oops, Jay. Sorry. I'm in the US. I had looked at it and thought it should be aftereffect, and before making the suggestion I had checked (cause I never trust my spelling, I'm too plain awful at it) My dictionary (Marriem) and google had said, yeah, we like the word aftereffects too. My dictionary rejects colour... so I didn't have reason to think the word was only UK. Usually an only UK word will take me to a UK dictionary.
I was super curious,
I went to an oxford dictionary, instead of the Marriem... and it had:
after-effect. (for both us and uk spelling)
-
I also feel like apologizing for not doing a better job on other stuff.
-
You've convinced me, Turtle. What's odd is when I Google it, everything shows after effect. The only way I could get a definition was to type in "afereffects or after effects". Then I find nothing to explain which is preferred, but indeed Meriam Webster ONLY shows your suggested spelling. I'm going with it. Thanks for pursuing.
Comment from Eigle Rull
Wow! This well written post was very interesting. The tailor sure was timid. I enjoyed reading this very well written chapter, my friend. The General is back to himself now and I can understand what is happening. He is actually a very nice man, considering how he treated the tailor. This story held my attention very well. I know that there is something amiss . I will be waiting to find out what it is. I enjoyed this excellent chapter, my friend. Best wishes to you.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Wow! This well written post was very interesting. The tailor sure was timid. I enjoyed reading this very well written chapter, my friend. The General is back to himself now and I can understand what is happening. He is actually a very nice man, considering how he treated the tailor. This story held my attention very well. I know that there is something amiss . I will be waiting to find out what it is. I enjoyed this excellent chapter, my friend. Best wishes to you.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Many thanks, Elgie. Always the gentleman. I do appreciate your reading my chapters. It means a lot to me.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay,
I didn't have a problem with your blue list of characters good to have for reference
I like you little tailor and yes is very efficient.
Need I say more?
Gert
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Hello Jay,
I didn't have a problem with your blue list of characters good to have for reference
I like you little tailor and yes is very efficient.
Need I say more?
Gert
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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With a six, you don't need to say more. I always love your enthusiastic crits, Gert. Thanks again for the six.
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You are welcome Jay.
Gert
Comment from XGoneX
Hi,
The characters list, who they are and the general idea of what is happening to them is a good idea to better understand the story.
So I suppose Axtilla is being prepared to marr Glnot Rhuether. I just didn't get by the notes why he wants to marry her.
I'm guessing his brother, Doctrex, will try to stop it somehow.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Hi,
The characters list, who they are and the general idea of what is happening to them is a good idea to better understand the story.
So I suppose Axtilla is being prepared to marr Glnot Rhuether. I just didn't get by the notes why he wants to marry her.
I'm guessing his brother, Doctrex, will try to stop it somehow.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Jade. I appreciate your reading and the generous rating. Even with the character sketches and a bit of the history, it's still difficult to get a handle on who everyone is.
Comment from lancellot
Another perfectly written chapter. I am surprised the General didn't open his eyes when the first visitor came into this room. Did you not want to let the surprise out too soon?
Good idea.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Another perfectly written chapter. I am surprised the General didn't open his eyes when the first visitor came into this room. Did you not want to let the surprise out too soon?
Good idea.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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First of all, Lance. God Bless you! I didn't think I would get one six for this chapter. The length scares people away, I'm afraid. You hit the nail on the head. The element of surprise. When there's little physical action for a while, you grasp at what you can to keep the readers' interest up.
Comment from Sasha
I had no problem with the colored font, in fact, I found it helpful. Not the least bit annoying. Great story and I like how you conveyed Doctrex's attempt to calm the concerns of the tailor. The tailor came across as kind, respectful, and yet his fear is obvious and clearly shows the power and fear he and probably everyone else of the Almighty Master. Excellent work with this chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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I had no problem with the colored font, in fact, I found it helpful. Not the least bit annoying. Great story and I like how you conveyed Doctrex's attempt to calm the concerns of the tailor. The tailor came across as kind, respectful, and yet his fear is obvious and clearly shows the power and fear he and probably everyone else of the Almighty Master. Excellent work with this chapter.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Thanks so much for your valuable feedback on this. That's exactly what I'm looking for.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
As always, you draw the reader in and
I get lost in the conversation and, too
soon, it all comes to an end, Jay.
His body trembed - trembled
You can set the package here(.)" period
"Not to me(,) sir
Margaret
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
|
As always, you draw the reader in and
I get lost in the conversation and, too
soon, it all comes to an end, Jay.
His body trembed - trembled
You can set the package here(.)" period
"Not to me(,) sir
Margaret
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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THanks, Margaret. Appreciate the catches. I've taken care of them. I'm wondering if you were distracted by the names in blue?
Comment from barbara.wilkey
The color font isn't annoying but I am wondering why sometime the names are in blue and sometimes they aren't. I don't understand the difference of using the names. I did, however enjoy reading this post.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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The color font isn't annoying but I am wondering why sometime the names are in blue and sometimes they aren't. I don't understand the difference of using the names. I did, however enjoy reading this post.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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I only used the references for the major characters in blue. I could have missed one or two, though.
