THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Manipulation of Arklyn Zarbs (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
29 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
I read at recreational reading pace and don't claim to catch every glitch and SPAG, but this looked as free of flaws as your other posts. I commend your thorough descriptive abilities.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
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I read at recreational reading pace and don't claim to catch every glitch and SPAG, but this looked as free of flaws as your other posts. I commend your thorough descriptive abilities.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
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Coming from someone whose gifts I am in awe of, I can only thank you, Red.
Comment from Mastery
Hi,,Jay. Good solid write this time once again. I would put an "It was" in the beginning were it me though.
You tend to make your fantasy writing almost believable because of your concrete images, Jay. Like:
"I brought my gaze full on Zarbs and studied his face.":
And: "I fanned through the sheets until I found one that was plain, pulled it out, and then removed a quill and the ink jar, setting them between us on the seat."
Suggestions: "and alongside the other two bodies, also wrapped in clean, white sheets. (leave off the "and" in the beginning ...use a comma instead)
Were it me, (and it isn't LOL) but if it were, I'd not list all that many characters at the end, Jay. m The rule of thumb is...only list the ""key" players in the story. If you have that many key players, something ism wrong. If not, as I suspect, because i have not read the entire book, list just the main people and call it a day...just msakes for a muddle and really...who,do you tink mis referring to it here on FS? But, as I said, I am not you. LOL
Great job of writing. Bob
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Hi,,Jay. Good solid write this time once again. I would put an "It was" in the beginning were it me though.
You tend to make your fantasy writing almost believable because of your concrete images, Jay. Like:
"I brought my gaze full on Zarbs and studied his face.":
And: "I fanned through the sheets until I found one that was plain, pulled it out, and then removed a quill and the ink jar, setting them between us on the seat."
Suggestions: "and alongside the other two bodies, also wrapped in clean, white sheets. (leave off the "and" in the beginning ...use a comma instead)
Were it me, (and it isn't LOL) but if it were, I'd not list all that many characters at the end, Jay. m The rule of thumb is...only list the ""key" players in the story. If you have that many key players, something ism wrong. If not, as I suspect, because i have not read the entire book, list just the main people and call it a day...just msakes for a muddle and really...who,do you tink mis referring to it here on FS? But, as I said, I am not you. LOL
Great job of writing. Bob
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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As usual, Bob, your analyses are pert and useful. I changed the sentence you suggested by leaving out the "and". It does read more smoothly.
I agree about the character list and at one time culled out all the characters who weren't players in the chapter at hand. As you might imagine, that got to be quite a chore. I will definitely consider that. Of course in novel format (e or print book) I wouldn't have a list at all. But a chapter a week over the course of over a year a list becomes an asset. Bob, you are an amazing help. Thank you.
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It's just that looking at it with "new eyes" it tends to make a person think there are too many characters to keep up with. Thanks, Jay. Bob
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Now I see more what you're saying. A person might get discouraged before giving it a chance. Something to think about.
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Exactly...Complication takes on a strange face...even though what you are doing makes perfect sense. :) Bob (If they are that interested they will go bsck and catch up...if not, just the key players will give them enough to capture attention. :) Bob
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Your comments on the expressions on faces makes the story more real and more visible in our minds. Your characters are very alive and the feelings of them are tangible, Jay. This was a most enjoyable chapter and Doctrex makes a great hero, Giddy
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Your comments on the expressions on faces makes the story more real and more visible in our minds. Your characters are very alive and the feelings of them are tangible, Jay. This was a most enjoyable chapter and Doctrex makes a great hero, Giddy
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Giddy, thanks again for the 6 stars. You're spoiling me. I'm just so pleased your enjoying the ride.
Comment from boxergirl
Good job with your continuation of your story line, Jay. I enjoyed watch Doctrex make Zarbs squirm when he threatened to reveal how he and his men were treated and how they are going to fix things. 8-)
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Good job with your continuation of your story line, Jay. I enjoyed watch Doctrex make Zarbs squirm when he threatened to reveal how he and his men were treated and how they are going to fix things. 8-)
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Thank you so much for your kind words and rating, Karen. I'm tickled to have you with me on this journey.
Comment from Gloria ....
Excellent philosophical point, Jay, that just because a man is weak it doesn't mean he's bad, but weakness can cause people to do questionable things.
This chapter is intelligent, detailed, deep and some really excellent descriptors and now I want a perfumed bath. Pout.
Very well written.
Gloria
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Excellent philosophical point, Jay, that just because a man is weak it doesn't mean he's bad, but weakness can cause people to do questionable things.
This chapter is intelligent, detailed, deep and some really excellent descriptors and now I want a perfumed bath. Pout.
Very well written.
Gloria
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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I don't think you'd want that same lady giving you one, though. Hey, Gloria, thank you once again for the six stars. It's such a thrill to get one from you.
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Oh heaven's no. Even though she was able to bring forth an adequate amount of seduction with a plain face. ;-)
Comment from Writingfundimension
You hit just the right balance in Doctrex's exchange with Arklyn. There's a mixture of contempt, disgust and rage that comes through very well and is to be expected. Very well done, Jay.
Bev
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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You hit just the right balance in Doctrex's exchange with Arklyn. There's a mixture of contempt, disgust and rage that comes through very well and is to be expected. Very well done, Jay.
Bev
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Bev. It is a balance not easy to keep. I'm afraid his sarcasm well make him lapse into pettiness. I appreciate your kind words and rating.
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You're welcome, Jay. :)
Comment from Dashjianta
Doctrex has read Zarbs character well and is using it to manipulate him into following his request (what else will Doctrex add to the letter, I wonder.) A less self-obsessed enemy might have ignored Doctrex no matter the consequences, but Zarbs is clearly desperate to avoid Glnit's wrath.
I really like the way you describe people's features. Its much more vivid than the normal hair colour/eye colour people tend to write (a charge to which I'm guilty) and it gives adds a sense of who the people are as well as, in this case, how they've changed.
Looking forward to seeing what Doctrex does next.
Suggestions (just punctuation stuff):
and who, just last night(,) repeated the offer
"That was not my doing," General Doctrex. Zarbs' voice left his throat just above a whine
--Second " should be after 'General Doctrex'.
He sank back against the sideboard of his corner of the seat, his jowls slack(,) and stared
"This just won't do,(") I told him. (")I need plain, not personalized paper."
Still he was unable(,) for just an instant(,) to conceal his disappointment
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Doctrex has read Zarbs character well and is using it to manipulate him into following his request (what else will Doctrex add to the letter, I wonder.) A less self-obsessed enemy might have ignored Doctrex no matter the consequences, but Zarbs is clearly desperate to avoid Glnit's wrath.
I really like the way you describe people's features. Its much more vivid than the normal hair colour/eye colour people tend to write (a charge to which I'm guilty) and it gives adds a sense of who the people are as well as, in this case, how they've changed.
Looking forward to seeing what Doctrex does next.
Suggestions (just punctuation stuff):
and who, just last night(,) repeated the offer
"That was not my doing," General Doctrex. Zarbs' voice left his throat just above a whine
--Second " should be after 'General Doctrex'.
He sank back against the sideboard of his corner of the seat, his jowls slack(,) and stared
"This just won't do,(") I told him. (")I need plain, not personalized paper."
Still he was unable(,) for just an instant(,) to conceal his disappointment
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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You know, it's so funny how I read this chapter over and over again, making sure I didn't leave out any quote marks (commas I'm sure I'll never understand), and didn't post until I was certain there would be no misses. But I'm so happy your eye was out trolling in the wake of my writing (don't bother to understand it), and found those nits. You are appreciated, Alex!!!
Comment from lynglyng
Your story is very good. It draws the reader in and your dialogue and details are excellent. The imagery you provide paints a picture in the readers mind that takes them into the story and our of reality. That is what a true novelist does. Thank you for sharing your great work.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Your story is very good. It draws the reader in and your dialogue and details are excellent. The imagery you provide paints a picture in the readers mind that takes them into the story and our of reality. That is what a true novelist does. Thank you for sharing your great work.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Lynglyng, for your kind words and generous rating. Your words thrill me. Hope to have you along for the long haul.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Your descriptions are perfect! I felt like I was there watching the action myself. I am still not too happy that Jed died, but you are doing a good job.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Your descriptions are perfect! I felt like I was there watching the action myself. I am still not too happy that Jed died, but you are doing a good job.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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But if Jed didn't die, what would I do with the next chapter? LOL, thanks Barbara for being such a loyal follower always there with the kind words and, when necessary, a little boot in the bee-hind!
Comment from Walter L. Jones
I am lost in the story, the writing carries me along, there is a place for the mind to drift, so many unanswered questions, lots of whys, and more, what is the closeness with medics, it is war after all, or is it? other: book is out of publication, been sold out for a number years, cost to run a second edition. Not worth it, the group of authors have all moved on to other more lucrative writing. Walt
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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I am lost in the story, the writing carries me along, there is a place for the mind to drift, so many unanswered questions, lots of whys, and more, what is the closeness with medics, it is war after all, or is it? other: book is out of publication, been sold out for a number years, cost to run a second edition. Not worth it, the group of authors have all moved on to other more lucrative writing. Walt
Comment Written 08-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2015
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Being lost in the story--that's not good. Tell me where and maybe I can fill you in. Thanks though for the Six Stars. Whitman was close with medics. LOL, thanks m'man, for your loyalty.
