Choices
Life is about choices...26 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
I'm wondering if you were trying to make this a poem by using line breaks? If not, i really wonder about so many one-line paragraphs! As this is listed under fiction, it would make more sense to me to post it in prose style, not poetry style. Please correct me if I am mistaken. Also, the use of a period at the end of each line makes it sound choppy, especially when the line sort of continues. I do wonder if this is an intention ploy to show a rhythm of tick tocks in terms of listing the choices--and that would work fine as a poem but, as prose, it does not give fluid pacing.
Also, for flash fiction, it is ideal to avoid unnecessary filler words and this current style overuses pronouns.
Two other small nits--I think it's good to use ? for questions, not periods.
May I take the liberty to offer a version in prose style, so you can compare?...
EXAMPLE:
Life is about choices.
I made bad choices: I dropped out of school, had dead end jobs, married the wrong woman, lost the respect of my kids, then hit the bottle.
Now here I am.
The biggest choice of all: the mortal sin. Pull the trigger, or not? Heaven or hell?
I pull the trigger.
Another bad choice.
This makes a compelling entry and has great substance and a superb ending. Just needs tweaking and fine tuning on deliver, IMHO.
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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I'm wondering if you were trying to make this a poem by using line breaks? If not, i really wonder about so many one-line paragraphs! As this is listed under fiction, it would make more sense to me to post it in prose style, not poetry style. Please correct me if I am mistaken. Also, the use of a period at the end of each line makes it sound choppy, especially when the line sort of continues. I do wonder if this is an intention ploy to show a rhythm of tick tocks in terms of listing the choices--and that would work fine as a poem but, as prose, it does not give fluid pacing.
Also, for flash fiction, it is ideal to avoid unnecessary filler words and this current style overuses pronouns.
Two other small nits--I think it's good to use ? for questions, not periods.
May I take the liberty to offer a version in prose style, so you can compare?...
EXAMPLE:
Life is about choices.
I made bad choices: I dropped out of school, had dead end jobs, married the wrong woman, lost the respect of my kids, then hit the bottle.
Now here I am.
The biggest choice of all: the mortal sin. Pull the trigger, or not? Heaven or hell?
I pull the trigger.
Another bad choice.
This makes a compelling entry and has great substance and a superb ending. Just needs tweaking and fine tuning on deliver, IMHO.
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 07-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Hi, this was originally written in more of a prose style, almost identically as you have demonstrated! Quite a few reviewers suggested braking it up to give it a better flow and rhythm!
Ah, the feckilness of style over substance!
The question marks were there, so I don't quite know what has happened there.
Thanks for the review and all the best
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Most welcome. Happy to help. Also happy to re-rate if you do decide to edit and revise (let me know). Warmly, rd
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Most welcome. Happy to help. Also happy to re-rate if you do decide to edit and revise (let me know). Warmly, rd
Comment from Dean Kuch
Yeah, most definitely -- a very bad choice, I would think. No more sunrises to look at, no more moon beams shimmering across a rolling river. Just blackness, and death.
Good luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Yeah, most definitely -- a very bad choice, I would think. No more sunrises to look at, no more moon beams shimmering across a rolling river. Just blackness, and death.
Good luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Thanks you for the review, Dean. It is much appreciated
Comment from Selina Stambi
Goodness - and entire life in sixty words. Quite a dash, indeed.
Well done!
Best wishes for the contest.
Sonali
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Goodness - and entire life in sixty words. Quite a dash, indeed.
Well done!
Best wishes for the contest.
Sonali
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Thanks for the encouraging review. Much appreciated
Comment from ssrr88
Wow. This piece was concise, yet poignant and poetic.
You're right. Even if one is in a tough situation, he/she made choices to get to that point. And can make choices to do something about it.
Great job.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Wow. This piece was concise, yet poignant and poetic.
You're right. Even if one is in a tough situation, he/she made choices to get to that point. And can make choices to do something about it.
Great job.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Thanks for reading and your thought. Much appreciated
Comment from mshirachot
Yep, pulling the trigger would definitely be a bad choice. Interesting poem albeit a bit depressing. You fulfilled the contest rules though. 60 words or less. Best wishes with your entry.
Blessings,
Marsha
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Yep, pulling the trigger would definitely be a bad choice. Interesting poem albeit a bit depressing. You fulfilled the contest rules though. 60 words or less. Best wishes with your entry.
Blessings,
Marsha
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Yes, it is a bit depressing but it is also true (not biographical though)in cases. It was a challenge in the word count. Thanks for reviewing. Much appreciated
Comment from Chikara
This piece is strong, but the final doesn't have punch. Honestly, "I pull the trigger" is a much better finish. I'd go with that for your end, as it leaves a shocking impression far more than "another bad choice" will.
"I made bad choices" feels redundant in words; "I made bad ones" is good replacement.
"Had dead-end jobs" I feel 'worked' is more appropriate.
The text would do well centered since you write in single sentences.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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This piece is strong, but the final doesn't have punch. Honestly, "I pull the trigger" is a much better finish. I'd go with that for your end, as it leaves a shocking impression far more than "another bad choice" will.
"I made bad choices" feels redundant in words; "I made bad ones" is good replacement.
"Had dead-end jobs" I feel 'worked' is more appropriate.
The text would do well centered since you write in single sentences.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Thanks for your thoughts on the piece. Much appreciated
Comment from daeneam
Sad! I have considered suicide too. But then God's love to me is bigger than my ego. He never left me every time I was planning to end my life. My New Year's philosophy: "You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can always adjust your sail."
God be with you! c", mae
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Sad! I have considered suicide too. But then God's love to me is bigger than my ego. He never left me every time I was planning to end my life. My New Year's philosophy: "You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can always adjust your sail."
God be with you! c", mae
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2015
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Thank for your response to this piece. Much appreciated
Comment from Jackarrie
A very sad story told in 59 words, we can make bad choices, but we are meant to learn from them. You were able to live to tell your story, which is a good sign.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Mary
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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A very sad story told in 59 words, we can make bad choices, but we are meant to learn from them. You were able to live to tell your story, which is a good sign.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Mary
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Comment from patcelaw
Choices we make are who we are and what God thinks of us. I have made bad choices and some good choices. But praise be to God that the best choice was to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Blessings, Patricia
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Choices we make are who we are and what God thinks of us. I have made bad choices and some good choices. But praise be to God that the best choice was to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Blessings, Patricia
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Thank you for reading and your comments.
Comment from jpduck
Very neat, and says it all. I think, though that it might be better if you broke up the third line into five lines to maintain the pattern of the piece.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Very neat, and says it all. I think, though that it might be better if you broke up the third line into five lines to maintain the pattern of the piece.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Thanks for the review. I will have a look at that line and see how it goes. Many thanks. Much appreciated.
